Golf widow anyone?

My DH is a season ticket holder for his football team and goes every other Saturday afternoon in the football season. He has been doing this since we met (52 years ago). I don't mind at all, it's only a few hours though. At one time he would not give it up for any family do or anything and I would get annoyed. When I was in hospital having had DD he said 'can you get your mum to visit you on Saturday, I'm going to the match'. He wouldn't do anything like that now, he was very young.

My Dh is a season ticket holder too katy and goes with DS1. I love my Saturdays on my own but I would be cross if dh was missing for the whole day and wouldn't change.

It must be difficult, gramaretto because weekends are likely to be the best ti.e for seeing family.

I have no solution, apart from a heart to heart, and a refusal to do any jobs.

I am a sports widow, indoors in the winter and outdoors in summer. Three times a week. Summer includes a Saturday. Getting a weekend away meant me putting my foot down. A holiday was arranged early season as late season would be too busy getting matched played.
Generally I have learned to arrange my coffee and girly lunches to suit. Also if I want to go away for the day with a friend I don't worry if he's got nothing on, after all......what's sauce for the goose etc.

This week I will be gone all of one day. It happens to be a day we have our toddler grandson for childcare. No worries, dh will cope. sometimes he has a match on a day when we've had toddler and I've done it myself. We make it work.

I'm an allotment widow. He leaves every Sunday at 8am and returns at 1.30-2.00pm. In good weather he will go during the week to water as well. I make the most of it. I lie in until 9.00ish. Have a leisurly breakfast and read the papers in peace. Then do some tidying about 12 before he's home

When he was younger he played rugby every week and didn't get home till 10pm approx. Yes it did frustrate me but I would never have tried to stop him and a lot of our social life was connected to the club. Also the good thing about rugby is it's a winter game so we could still enjoy family days in the summer.

My husband has always worked long hours and it's worked ok with us when children were here and now as we are getting older I just accept it.he does do the football on Saturdays always moaning about his team so I just find something I like to do at these times. Definitely a widow but with the husband still very much alive!

Gramaretto, I can empathise with you.
I used to get very resentful when my children were small (Three under five) and my husband would spend all day Saturday or Sunday golfing. To add insult to injury he would invite his brothers to play (We lived on the coast) and I would be left with the sisters in law and all their weans, who expected to be fed and watered, without as much as bringing a packet of biscuits. We were very short of money in those days, with a 15% mortgage. (Anyone remember that time? ). I had to think of cheap and creative ways to feed them all. The resentment would build up until I would explode and he would accuse ME of being selfish!

Nowaday, I feel the complete opposite. I love when he goes out on a Monday morning and being able to do my own thing, get up when I want, play my music etc. It does us good to have time on our own.

Grammaretto, it looks like you have to have a conversation with your husband about this, as it's obviously upsetting you very much. Please don't let it fester. I wish years ago I had a discussion with my husband and found some sort of compromise.

I do hope you can resolve this situation.

well! Thanks everyone. It's nice to know I'm not alone although you all sound as if you have managed happy compromises.
Marydoll we have just had coffee together in the garden and I've had a wee talk about how I feel . I got quite emotional but luckily no-one called the police.
I have phoned all the DC and siblings in turn and actually one answered so I let off some steam with him too.
I feel a lot better now. I think I just needed to vent.

I’d be annoyed but get over the being gone all day

I’d be livid about the expectation that it’s your job to do all the work.

You need to talk with him about that, and perhaps suggest you work together on some chores in five evenings so you can relax on Sunday . I’m sorry he’s being so unfair

My OH has always worked long hours and most weekends so I dont grudge him the hobby time he has now.He can disappear for a whole day on Saturdays an Sundays but he's spending time with like minded folk working on the vintage cars they all love
.Maybe because we never had "weekends" as such when Sunday weddings became the norm it doesn't bother me.I see him every evening which is a bit of a novelty as he'd be either processing and printing or digitally working on weddings .It does help that I am the easiest going person on the planet .

Same here. DH has always worked long hours and had outside interests in sport some evenings a week and at weekends. I'm just used to it. Now he's 'retired' he set up another business and is out all day again. BTW paddyann he's also involved in vintage car restoration and is away both days this weekend competing in one he restored/rebuilt. I wonder if our DH's know each other?
As none of this is new I've always had my own interests, friends and social stuff. It suits me. We have good holidays and, usually, one day a week on some sort of interesting outing. Best of all- the TV is mine!

That sounds great Jane10 but I should have added, he is out the other 6 days as well. Since he retired he has devoted himself to various ventures so he has a busier social life than he ever had when he was working.
No I definitely feel aggrieved as Sundays were the last hope I had for spending family time together.

I am a bowls widow. He was out bowling three afternoons and two evenings last week. I could go with him if I wanted to but find it a boring game.

He didn't used to know many people in this area (I have lived here much longer) but now he stops to talk to more people than I do when we go to the supermarket.

Bowling has given him a new lease of life since he retired so I am happy for him. Another benefit is that I get on well with one of his fellow bowlers and we meet up occasionally for coffee or lunch.

We have a canal at the back of our house and we regularly see men sitting there fishing all day at weekends. I often wonder what their wives/partners think.

I know. I've seen them too KatyK and also the golfers but imagined that our marriage was different! Ha!
It is quite a shock when you realise that your dearly beloved doesn't want to spend time with you. He's always exhausted and goes to sleep when he is home. So you see, it's a lonely existence.

I dont think its because they dont "want to spend time with you"Grammaretto I think it quite normal for soemone who has worked for 50 years to want some down time with like minded friends.He's not sidelining you he's just enjoyinng friendships he may not have had as much time for or might not have foor many years more.
I have the added bonus of a son who is as car mad as his dad ,so he pops in most evenings on his way home from work to discuss the next steps in the rebuild .To be honest I'm delighted they have so much in common and I love seeing them heads down over plans for wiring and new colour schemes .We've been married 44 years if I cant let him enjoy time without me now then there would be something very wrong .He has worked his socks off all our lives .

I sound very selfish paddyann and part of me is very happy for him that he's happy. I am just at a loss as to how I should spend the Sunday. I don't want another like today. I feel like his mum. People come to the door and they organise shared lifts and ignore me completely!
It's like I'm his social secretary and expected to know all his plans but not participate.

I think a lot of people will identify/empathise with you Grammaretto Personally I don't mind because I like to do my own things too.

One thing I don't understand is why your family have to have HIM there to visit you or why you can't visit them without him?

Obviously it is eating away at you so you have a choice and that is a)either straight talking - tell him you are not happy and you want him there or b) resign yourself to it and find other things to occupy yourself with.

Bear in mind the saying - be careful what you wish for though! If he is at home constantly, you may wish he had an interest outside the home? Just a point...

My husband plays golf roughly 3 times a week, but has always declined week-ends, which he deems family time. He did try explaining that to a couple of crusty old bachelors at his golf club with "I've got a wife, children and 5 grandchildren all whom I want to make time for" which he tells me was met with blank non comprehending faces I know my late m-i-law was definitely a golfing widow, she'd tell anyone and everyone frequently. She definitely had a case, he neglected her in that respect he had a business that kept him busy six days a week, as did my husband before he retired, but he was happier to delegate, the weekends were ours, unlike late f-in-law, who on the 7th day, Sunday, played golf all day, he also never took her on holiday, but would go away with his golfing cronies. His get out of jail card was throwing a lot of money at her, so materially she had everything, but alas not companionship, it wasn't the marriage she wanted, so I do sympathise Grammetto. She died first and it was only towards the end of his life he admitted he should have been a better husband.

I'm happy for my husband to have a hobby (boring as it is) it keeps him happy and healthy and I do think men enjoy the camaraderie of male companionship, although on balance I know my husband prefers female company. I don't begrudge him his time on the golf course, I think he's found the right balance since he retired. I'd just make one caveat, I don't want to hear about the game and how everyone played, cos he likes to tell me I understand no more about golf now than I did when we first got together over 35 years ago.

Yes I meant to add Grammaretto definitely find your own niche that's what my late m-i-law did, I think through something like the Women's Institute it kept her busy with theatre trips and holidays, not ideal I know. I do commiserate I felt for her she'd often pour her heart out to me

Thanks for the wise words.
I know it's not as bad as all that. DS and DiL used to call by but they've stopped. I suppose it's because they prefer to see us both and would come for Sunday lunch if we had such a thing. They have their own occasions.
You are right Tedber I should be careful what I wish for and get myself a hobby pronto.
He takes the car which is another reason for resentment.

Just ask your family to visit you even if he is not there.
If you drive ask him to arrange a lift for himself so that you can visit family.

Add to above, or friends or go somewhere you would enjoy. It may shock him into wondering why you are enjoying yourself with out him !

Yes I understand what you are saying Grammaretto

I spent the afternoon gardening and then fell asleep listening to radio.
DS popped in to see us! He didn't stay long and he was on his own but it was great to hear about the family.
He waited until his dad arrived back.
I'm not so badly off and thanks for the support I really appreciate it.