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Has anyone's estranged adult child come back to them?

(38 Posts)
Purpletinofpaint Tue 02-Jul-19 11:11:19

Posting here for traffic but also in Estrangement. Has anyone on here been estranged from their adult child for a significant period of time & then had them come back? If so, what happened? How did it go & what is the relationship like now?

HildaW Tue 02-Jul-19 12:20:27

Your question is very broad are you looking for advise or doing this for research?

Purpletinofpaint Tue 02-Jul-19 15:26:23

No it's not research, I'm in this position myself as you'll see from my other threads.

kittylester Tue 02-Jul-19 17:46:04

What is 'posting for traffic'?

BlueBelle Tue 02-Jul-19 17:58:43

I m confused too kittylester what does posting for traffic mean purple they seem strange words
I guess everyone with a reunited story will be different
If I was ever in that position and had the chance to be together again I d grab it with two hands but as I said every case will be very different

NanaandGrampy Tue 02-Jul-19 19:25:11

I think she means that the estrangement thread gets less traffic- people viewing- than the main threads like relationships .

Esspee Tue 02-Jul-19 19:35:49

I can always tell Mumsnet users. We have a language all of our own. 😄

Joyfulnanna Tue 02-Jul-19 19:37:14

Purpletinofpaint.. I think you'll find there are very few instances of estrangement being reversed. I've only read one or two examples on here. It seems that once estrangement happens, the rot sets in and the estranger writes you out of their life. In the one hand, you hope for reconciliation but on the other, you want them to be happy doing what they feel comfortable doing even if it means it doesn't include you. If you love them, you need to let them go.

notanan2 Tue 02-Jul-19 19:45:57

Purpletintofpaint is posing the same question with less detail an attempt to avoid hearing answers you dont want to hear?

You have had a LOT of advice about your specific situation on your longer thread.

By being vague you may get answers that dont apply to you.

Yes, some people get back a relationship that was previously good but became fraught

No, you cant have that. Because you never had it to start flowers

The only relationship your mother can offer you is the kind of relationships she is capable of. I.e. not what you crave from her sad

Starlady Tue 02-Jul-19 20:47:37

Notanan is making a lot of sense, Purple. Please listen to her.

Joyfulnanna Tue 02-Jul-19 21:12:07

Oh sorry.. Purpletinofpaint are you the estranger? I haven't kept up with your other posts so my comments are general and I hope I'm not overgeneralising. Are you in a push pull situation? Do you want to make contact with your mother but want some advice on that? Please explain a little..

stella1949 Wed 03-Jul-19 04:37:46

I don't think it happens very often. Maybe if the estrangement happened because of one big thing , perhaps that one thing could be rectified . But in many cases ( my own family comes to mind) it just goes on and on, and people adjust to the "new normal". Nothing happens to force a change so life goes on in a different way.

In my family, it was my two sisters who were estranged. After about 20 years of this, one sister ( the one who hadn't instigated the estrangement ) made a big effort, turned up at our mother's place when the other sister was there and made a sort of planned speech about how painful the estrangement was , how much it had hurt our parents and how she wanted to become friends again. My other sister wanted none of it and said that she had no intention of "making up". Even my mother chimed in and said it was all too late and she couldn't see the point of "rehearsed speeches" on the matter. We all went back to what passed for normal, and life went on. About 10 years later the sister who'd made the speech, died and even at that point my other sister never spoke to her.

So no, estrangement doesn't always end in reconciliation. Not in my experience anyway, OP.

Dolcelatte Wed 03-Jul-19 09:14:37

Yes. After two years of semi-estrangement my daughter is back in my life and although it will take time I am hopeful that we can rebuild the relationship. There is always hope and the emotional landscape changes as time goes on.

Smileless2012 Wed 03-Jul-19 10:13:21

stella a good postsmile. You said about estrangement going on and on and how, if nothing happens to force a change, life goes on in a different way; that's so true.

6.5 years into our estrangement we've accepted that we are not going to be GP's to our ES's children and without him and them in our lives and DS living in Aus. our lives now, are nothing like we thought they'd be.

Once we'd been cut out, we never thought we could be happy again but we are; happy and content with our lives. We look back to the 4 years before we moved and wonder how on earth we managed to survive our pain and how our marriage was able to grow in strength during that most painful time in either of our lives.

I don't want to reconcile with our son. I don't want to see him or have any contact with him. Our lives have changed and so have we. There will always be a place in my mind for my memories of him and a place in my heart for the love that I have for him, but there's no longer a place in my life for him.

Sara65 Wed 03-Jul-19 10:37:13

Smileless

I’m glad there has been light at the end of the tunnel for you

Joyfulnanna Wed 03-Jul-19 12:07:59

Smileless your story shows that you can be at peace with yourselves... You survived the pain of estrangement and came out better the other side, that's uplifting because the more we accept our situation, the stronger we become.

Smileless2012 Wed 03-Jul-19 16:27:12

Thank you Sarasmile.

Yes Joyfulnanna you're so right. We couldn't spend the rest of our lives waiting and hoping that things would change, not if we wanted to live our lives to the full.

IMO it's something that anyone thinking about estrangement should consider. They may decide at some point in the future that they want to reconcile but the one(s) they've estranged may not feel the same way. It may not have been intended to be that way but once begun, estrangement can be for life.

notanan2 Wed 03-Jul-19 16:34:19

Just a gentle reminder to posters that this isnt a general NC chat thread & the OP has a lot of issues going on with this person. It is worth reading or re reading the OPs other threads before replying in a way that the OP may act on!

OP, Im sorry, but you are not really the estranger in this case. I underatand that you may like to see it that way as a defense mechanism, but she is the one that rejected you. She has rejected the traditional mother-daughter dynamic. As such, its not really in your power to end your issues with her just by announcing that you are no longer NC from your point of view flowers

Have you considered going back to therapy or trying a different type of therapy, maybe PTSD treatment? Your mothers rejection of you is obviously still acutely affecting you x

Smileless2012 Wed 03-Jul-19 17:21:48

What do you mean notanan? This thread as with all threads on GN doesn't just contain posts purely for the benefit of, or in answer to the OP.

As you posted here, the OP has had lots of advice on as much longer thread that she started. Advice that she may or may not act upon.

For the record, in case it's my posts you are specifically referring too, they were responses to Stella, Sara and Joyfulnanna; not to the OP.

notanan2 Wed 03-Jul-19 17:51:26

Smileness, I thought your posts were relevant & useful to the OP, however there are some threads where it is not appropriately to chat "generally" and this is one of them. I was just suggesting that people read the OPs other thread because there could be consequences of not taking OPs frame of mind into account. We're all usernames but we're real people behind them. On most threads the OPs can take advice with a pinch of salt and an appropriate level of detatchment. Not all.

notanan2 Wed 03-Jul-19 17:51:49

This is NOT one of them..

Smileless2012 Wed 03-Jul-19 18:05:42

I don't think that anyone dealing with estrangement whether they be the estranged or the estranger, is ever able to "take advice with a pinch of salt and an appropriate level of detachment notanan.

It's far too an emotive subject.

notanan2 Wed 03-Jul-19 18:21:33

This is not a "typical" estrangement that started in adulthood smileness. As such, meandering around the generalities of the topic isnt necessarily going to do the OP a kindness in this case.

Smileless2012 Wed 03-Jul-19 18:43:06

On this thread, the OP is asking if anyone's experienced reconciliation after a significant period of estrangement and that is what's being discussed.

It's perfectly reasonable that there are posts from those who after such a period of estrangement would not wish to be reconciled or where reconciliation has not taken place.

There have been some heartfelt posts of personal experiences posted here which go much deeper than "meandering around the generalities of the topic".

Whether the posts here, or on any of the other threads the OP has started are "going to do the OP a kindness" who can say. I hope she can find what she needs in some if not all of the responses made, but I don't know if she will and neither do you.

Joyfulnanna Wed 03-Jul-19 20:14:25

I get alot from the discussion. It raises differences of opinions and personally, I value all the input. Even if the OP had a different agenda, it's still a healthy discussion.