Feeling quite desperate, can anyone help? I'm 71, partner of 20 years is 70 (both divorced). Nine months ago he moved into my tiny cottage (two up, two down), having lived with parents he cared for till they died and their house was sold. He was particularly close to his dad who died in September and constantly mourns his loss. At the time I was reluctant to let this happen as I felt it would be an imposition and there wasn't enough room for both of us, and although I tried to put it nicely, I did tell him I felt it wasn't a good idea. However I was basically bullied into letting him come as he told me it was his time of need and he would have done the same for me and that was what any partner should do. He also told me it was only temporary - first till Xmas and then till he sorted out his father's financial affairs and received his (considerable) legacy. Then my own dear mother (aged 95 and previously very independent) was diagnosed with advanced dementia (very sudden and shocking onset) and needs 24 hour care. So he offered to stay on in the house and give me rent money every month, to help out with her costs (I am working but have a low income which I need to live on and mother's resources are rapidly dwindling). I was feeling more and more uncomfortable with his presence (he is home basically 24/7 and doesn't work) but since I was thrown by the new situation it seemed that might be a solution. He is very fond of my mother and has been generous in the past towards her and also me. However, I am now quite desperate. He is becoming increasingly controlling and I feel it is hardly my own home any more. He takes it into his head to get my builder to do repairs and painting I didn't ask for, and although he is admittedly good at looking after things in some respects, my bedroom is a chaotic mess with his clothes and suitcases piled up there, and the loft full of things from the old family home which he never even looks at. Additionally my mother's garage is full to the brim with his stuff and when I ask if it will be cleared I get shouted at for even mentioning it and told it's not doing anyone any harm, which I suppose is true. He has even taken control of the cat (who he loves) and feeds him day and night, against my will, so the cat is getting rather obese! You may note that I say 'my bedroom ' - that's because since he came to stay he has taken up residence on the downstairs sofa (there is only one small living room) where he sits all day and sleeps all night. We rarely have any physical contact, and whenever I mention that things are not at all as they were in that department, he says it's because I am so unfriendly and never make any attempt to offer any warmth. And it's true, I feel I am turning into a bitch in the house, since I feel cramped, claustrophobic and taken over in every respect. Even when I go to make a cup of tea, he goes into the kitchen at the same time so we almost trip over each other. If I express any irritation he gets very angry and tells me not to make such a fuss as he's not in my way, and that I am rude and disrespectful. If I try to address the problem, he tells me it's all because I have refused to make space for him and that's he's not getting anything like his money's worth and I should let him buy a big wardrobe (the bedroom is small enough as it is) and clear the loft (I need it for my own storage) so he can keep his things there. I then feel very bad and guilty as know I could be doing more to make him feel at home, and be less aggressive - but that would make an intolerable situation even more permanent. And now, to cap it all, he doesn't seem to be paying me any money at all so I am covering all the bills, council tax and general expenses and he has no responsibility for anything, other than when he chooses to give a handout. I have tried to ask him about this, and he gets very angry and tells me he has paid enough over the years (taking me on holiday and paying for things) so I actually owe him money, and also paid for painting and repairs in the house etc and then asks if I'm only wanting him there for his money. He also says that if I 'throw him out' he'd never have anything to do with me or my mother again and that I'd be mad to 'look a gift horse in the mouth' and mum and I would be in a terrible position financially and otherwise, because of everything he does for us. I fear indeed that would be the case. He has also threatened he would take me to court to pay back what I owe him according to what he has given out. Since these were gifts not loans I believe he would not have a case, but he could make life very difficult for me. I really feel that having been in a long relationship, which has had many good, loving parts, he is a stable factor in my life and maybe there is too much to lose and that it would be ultimately destructive to both of us to make him go (even if I could find the means to do so). And I should make more effort to be loving and at peace with the situation - after all we are both getting on in life and have a while history to draw on. I also know that he would certainly come to my aid if anything happened - when my mother had cancer, and I had a car accident, he was there for us. I myself have no one (an only child with no children - he has a son and grandchildren who I get on well with but they live abroad). My mum was always a support to me and there for me but now she has dementia I have responsibility for her and don't know how I can give up what is now my only means of support. I am at my wit's end trying to decide what to do, I feel I can't just tell him to leave as he would do everything possible to make me feel terrible and indeed I don't know if it would be right to do that, especially with him in such a state about his father. In many ways he both need each other but are either silent, joyless and distant with each other or talking about external things like the tennis or food, or shouting and rowing. I'd dearly love to be able to have a proper honest conversation but it is not a possibility - I have tried but my words get misconstrued till my head gets in a whirl and I am unable to express what I wanted. He would not contemplate any counselling as he maintains there's nothing wrong and that I am thinking too much and should just let go a bit and see how things are. I often wonder if that's true, but I am feel so stressed and unhappy. There seems to be no life plan but I don't know if I am right to expect or ask for one. If anyone has any words of wisdom I would appreciate them,
There is a storyline on Coronation Street at present which is very revealing about this type of man. If you are not careful he will take over every aspect of your life and have you jumping at your own shadow.
Please get expert advice and reclaim your life.
Indeed there is harri and I can’t wait for that horrible little man to be found out . I know it’s not real but it just goes to prove that it is a very real situation .
Hetty58
I am sorry to say I do find him to be a bad man. I read carefully through the OP's letter which I copied out and highlighted the parts where he is being difficult and causing her problems and making her life intolerable in deliberate and knowing ways so as to manipulate her to get what he wants. This would show not a good man doing bad things but a bad man. A bad man deliberately does bad things.
I thought I would quote these to explain why I thought he was responsible for such behaviour and was deliberately using SJ to take over her house and to brow beat her so that he could take up permanent residence there and do as he pleased. I was going to explain that these showed he was a bad man, an abusive man. However, I found so many! (I think it was 33) They constitute practically the whole of the script! It would be unfeasible to keep quoting them. He is clearly a very unreasonable and selfish man. He is doing dreadful things in a house which belongs to the person he calls his Partner. A house which is not his at all but was her home and he is using it in such a way as to detrimentally alter her life, make her home into somewhere she cannot be happy. He is refusing to do as she asks regarding how she runs her home, and has effectively taken over as if it is his right to do as he pleases without permission. Now he is not even contributing to the costs of staying there! He is shouting, arguing, speaking abusively to her! He is not looking after the cat, because he is over-feeding it against her wishes and it is not his cat. He is even manipulating the cat to like him more than its owner! How low can he stoop?
Sorry, Hetty, I do not see any good in this man. I see manipulation, passive aggression, overt aggression, threatening behaviour and vast amounts of controlling and coercive behaviour. To order workmen to do work on a house that is not your own without the owner's consent is diabolical! He is behaving like a tyrant, an egomaniac. He does not show any respect for his partner, no care or concern. He does not care how unhappy she is, yet she makes it so abundantly clear she is now desperate, fighting for survival emotionally. His response is is to bully her all the more! He is not supporting her, not financially, practically, or emotionally! He is deliberately wearing her down, making her feel weaker and less able to cope, diminishing her 'sense of self', making her feel she cannot cope without him, forcing her to be dependent on him and to have to let him do whatever he likes.
He wormed his way in initially saying his stay was temporary, he was going to stay till Christmas, then a bit longer. Now he wants her to buy a wardrobe for his clothes which he keeps in her bedroom! As SJ says;
"but that would make an intolerable situation even more permanent."
He is not planning to make this a temporary stay at all! He forced her, by manipulative tactics, to allow him to stay in the first place then he put his things all over her house! He won't even allow her to make a cup of tea in peace!
He will not talk about plans, or discuss anything that she wants to sort out.
He has threatened to take her to Court to demand back money he spent when they have been on holiday and he has paid for things! This is not a good man! A loving partner does not say that to their beloved! A loving partner does not expect a free ride, free accommodation, to be able to stay in another person's house and fill it, even the other person's private bedroom, with their things, and even fill that person's mother's garage! He is a grossly exploitative with an overwhelming attitude of entitlement and no awareness or concern for his Partner's feelings of distress and unhappiness he is causing.
I wish I could read something decent into him. I tried. But SJ's letter is a cry for help from a kind and caring person who has strong feelings of doing the right thing so is easily "guilt-tripped" into being made to do things against her will and against her better judgement. Even when she is trying to say she wants to help him for the sake of the long-standing relationship, she is overwhelmed by feeling "so stressed and unhappy". The relationship, imho only lasted before he moved in simply because he did not live with her and she had her haven of peace to which to return.
The relationship changed once he took over her house, treating it as if he owned it and thus revealed his true imperious nature.
It has been said before, we do not know how he actually treated his parents. People have quoted examples of the duplicitous behaviour demonstrated by those who, behind closed doors, were adamant bullies and cruel, but in the street and publicly were all sweetness and light. I have seen it too. I have serious doubts as to whether his behaviour in his late parents' home was any different to that which he is portraying here. People are usually consistent. (Psychology research has abundantly shown this).
Maybe, when he was divorced, he asked his parents if he could stay "just for a while until he finds his own place"? We do not know. We know he stayed about 20 years if he was there during their relationship and we can only surmise what kind of money he contributed to the housekeeping for being his parents' lodger.
He is kind and helpful when it suits his purpose, when he wants to build up his reputation in public and when he wants to make SJ think he is indispensable. Nobody is indispensable.
I really would like SJ to start taking the steps needed to make him move out. You gave her some excellent advice. On which note, may I say how I admire your advice? I have noticed several times that you speak with what seems to be experience and make concise suggestions, with reasons, as to what people might do. I think you are so helpful!
Back to this man! He needs to be looking for his permanent residence now. SJ is scared of the moment he comes up with the threat;
"if I 'throw him out' he'd never have anything to do with me or my mother again and that I'd be mad to 'look a gift horse in the mouth' and mum and I would be in a terrible position financially and otherwise, because of everything he does for us."
I would like to suggest she says something that neither agrees nor disagrees and most of all does not discuss the issue, such as;
"Yes, you said that before." When he has another try to upset her and make her talk about it (make her defend herself so he can knock her down verbally) she just repeats the "yes, you said that before." and keeps repeating it like a cracked record.
She will manage without his financial support or help in other ways. Plus she will have freedom! Freedom from blackmail and being forced to live a miserable and desperately unhappy life. She will regain her own life where she can go home and relax in her own bedroom, sit on her own sofa, or make a cup of tea in her own kitchen.
The money and other practicalities will get sorted out. They always do. Ask those of us who have been through it. Nobody has to depend upon an abusive man.
I do believe, the instances sited by SJ in her letter add up to the fact that his man is abusive.
Tillybelle, I probably agree with you far more than you think. I'm just interpreting the situation a little differently. I don't believe that bad behaviour makes a person bad. We can all (myself included) behave very badly in certain circumstances.
SJ23 is discussing her partner of 20 years and he can't be all bad or why on Earth would they have had such a long relationship. Having been married to a Psychologist, I can't agree that a person's behaviour patterns are set and stable. A breakdown or mental illness can drastically change how they react. I like to believe that we can improve as well.
Perhaps, though, you're right in that his public and private personas are very different (as seems quite common) and SJ23 has only found out the truth since living with him. I agree that he's very abusive and has to leave.
Of course, there can be no bullying without a victim. SJ23 has allowed the problem to escalate and now needs practical help and support to get him out and then stop all contact, perhaps with a restraining order.
Harrigran that plot in Coronation Street is cleverly written, it took me a few episodes to start realising what was happening, just like the reality of the OP, slow, steady undermining of your ability to make decisions and to be independent.
Tillybelle, absolutely brilliant. You have filleted the problem like a fish and laid out what is actually happening like the spine in the centre.
Every action,every word he uses is coercive. hetty is beginning to show all the signs of the Stockholm Syndrome where the hostage begins to develop feelings of trust or affection towards the captor. hetty is making excuses for him and seems to think he cares. He doesn't.
Hetty58. Yes, once we get into detail we are very close in agreement. It's frustrating sometimes when writing because there is just that short "bit" to interpret. A conversation between us would almost certainly reveal a great deal of agreement! ?
I don't know if I said, I was first in Teaching in a variety of roles, then I did the Psychology degree during which my husband died. Instead of becoming an Educational Psychologist I first worked at the Institute of Psychiatry then did a post grad at The Institute of Neurology so ultimately became a Neuropsychologist. As I did a lot of Research, I decided to study Counselling because so many people who volunteered to help with the research saw a Psychologist as a Counsellor. I used to offer two or three sessions of counselling free to those people after they had finished in the Research part of the work. I felt it was the least I could do for them and I met such lovely people. Of course I met more disturbed and difficult people in my work at the Institute of Psychiatry. I found the journey excruciating otherwise I probably wouldn't have done the course at the Inst of Neurology. But I did love that!
P.S. there can be no bullying without a victim. Exactly. It has been shown that certain coercive and controlling men who are very nasty bullies, seek out a particular type of person. They look for a person high in empathy, and they test this out before they decide to invest their time in that person.
The relationship goes in stages. The beginning is wonderful for the Victim as the Controller woos her and makes her his promising all sorts of wonderful things and telling her little things about himself like how difficult his life is. This is how he tests her to see how she reacts, if she is very understanding and sorry for him he knows she will be a person he can coerce and bully. The second part is the stage when he becomes himself and is nasty to her and controls her. The third stage does not always happen but is when he discards her.
I suspect he showed signs of the controlling and coercive person he it even before he moved in but she brushed it aside. She was able to go home and be free of him, he knew he must not go too far or one day he might lose her and the chance of a place to live. Also I suspect he was very controlling with one or both parents and this was the object of his attention in that respect at the time.
M0nica. I am overcome by your very kind comments! Thank you so much! I find your messages always very helpful and so well-written. You have such a skill for seeing the point and expressing it precisely and with kindness and care. I always enjoy reading them.
MOnica, Stockholm Syndrome? Hardly (I'm not the victim) merely an attempt to explain, rather than excuse the behaviour. I see a disturbed and frightened chap, one who's been either married or living with parents, terrified of being alone and trying to control his 'partner' and world.
Tillybelle, you seem to be convinced that he is a bad man, incapable of feeling any emotion and entirely self-centred, also that he has always been that way. SJ23, who's known him for twenty years, stated that he was fond of his father and also her mother. Do you believe it's all been a big, elaborate act for such a long time and SJ23 has been hoodwinked by it. Isn't that assumption a little insulting? I'd guess that the history is a lot more complicated.
We don't have the whole picture or all the facts either. Is the OP's mum in residential or home care? Who is paying? Does he now have his inheritance and the means to house himself? SJ23 is well aware of her feelings of desperation and her desire to live alone so the bullying hasn't been successful - thank Heavens!
Tillybelle
Amazing posts from you. Great insights.
Dawn.
I think the earlier suggestion of explaining to him that you have not been able to adjust to living with him after being alone for so long is a good one. You do not need to be unpleasant, just sad but firm that this is not working for you. You could even help him look for somewhere to live.
The broken record technique does work you simply repeat over and over " This is not working for me".
I don't like to go for the blunt solution as a first point of call but after reading your post I do feel you might be better off without this man in your life and your home. You would learn coping strategies, make friends, be able to invite people into your home that don't cramp, coerce, control etc and make your own decisions on what you do or don't want done around the house. I can understand not wanting to be alone, but being lonely in a relationship can be even worse! You deserve a healthy happy relationship. He is using emotional and financial blackmail as well as possible physical intimidation - he knows about your car accident and your mother's cancer & dementia and is just using them as extra battering rams. As he has had a considerable inheritance he should be paying his way and you would be well within your rights to demand he pay his way - this may turn out to be just the leverage you need to rid yourself of this freeloading bully. I'm angry on your behalf and want to advise chucking all his shit and him out! You sound like a nicer person than me but the sentiment is the same - get rid for your own wellbeing and sanity (and the health of your beloved cat) - if he refuses resort to the police or anyone else but please don't continue to tolerate his crap.
Oh, and as for his threat of court action, tell him you would counter-sue for rent, bills, storage costs (big fat ones for every inch of space full of his crap) etc - don't be bullied. See a solicitor or talk to CAB or a local supportive charity, women's refuge, anyone that can help.
Thinking of you 
Tillybelle, your posts are very impressive.
Hetty, no matter if this man is a "bad man" or not, it's clear he and the OP are not really happy living together. It's time for her to reclaim her space.
Lorelie - good advice about how to answer this man's threats and about seeking legal advice!
You are being emotionally abused. Save yourself. Get him out before your identity is lost. You’ll manage. You’re stronger than you think.
Hetty As Starlady says it does not matter whether this man is a bad man or a damaged individual with mental health problems. You were not put on this earth to pander to his needs and wants at the expense of your own security, peace of mind and choices. On the other hand, you DO have a responsibility to care for your Mother whether you do that personally or arrange for her care and support via SS. She has to be your priority (if you cannot put yourself first) and you will be unable to look after her successfully while you are embroiled in all this aggravation from this bully.
As others have suggested, I would recommend that your local Women's Aid Group should be your first point of contact. They have the experience and knowledge of the issues and can offer the full package of the support you need from Counselling and emotional support, basic legal and financial advice, to a safe place to stay if that becomes necessary
I wonder why the man did not stay in his parents' home when they died? Will he inherit all the money from the sale or is it being sold to pay off debts, loans, annuities, bequests? Was there a charge on the house for care?
Perhaps he has insufficient money to live on.
Not the concern of the OP, anyway.
This situation reminds me of the book Falling by Elizabeth Jane Howard concerning a middle aged lady who falls prey to a conman. It shows exactly how a man attempts to control a woman for his own financial ends. She eventually has to evict him , and this is where husbands and adult sons of friends might come in useful. Might put the situation in perspective.
Hetty my apologies for confusing your name and that of the OP. When one is dipping in and out of a thread over days and sometimes weeks, it can get confusing.
Having said that, I do not withdraw my comment about Stockholm Syndrome. The OP lists a whole pattern of bullying and threatening behaviour - and I have just reread the OP - the OP says
^ I then feel very bad and guilty as know I could be doing more to make him feel at home, and be less aggressive -^
Why on earth should she feel it is her fault after the behaviour she has listed? She is beginning to identify with his problems and feel responsible for them.
As for his 'rights' and any threat of legal action. The OP offered him temporary accommodation after the death of his parents until he got himself sorted. He has no 'rights' of any kind. There is no tenancy or lodger's agreement, implicit or explicit, he does not have his own room. He is quite literally a 'sofa-surfer'. At one point he was making a contribution to household expenses, a standard arrangement between partners. He is now making no contribution to the household expenses at all. Even if he was paying towards them, he would still have no rights. When asked to go he has to go and she can get the police to evict him if he does not go.
As for taking her to court to make her repay him for money he has chosen to spend on you or your house is ridiculous. You did not ask him to get work done to your house and he chose to spend money on you. Any solicitor will tell him he doesn't have any leg to stand on to back such demands.
SJ23 should go and talk to Citizen's Advice. They will tell her, officially, that he has no rights at all and she can counter his threats with their information.
MOnica, I agree that SJ23 should seek advice asap. Her 'partner' may claim that he has rights as he's paid for improvements although I doubt that a court would agree. There's some useful info here:
www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/your-options-for-legal-or-financial-advice-on-separation
SJ23 I am sure I’m not alone in wondering how you are and if you have managed to improve your situation. Thinking of you.
Give him a week to pack up his things and get out. Put it in writing and save a copy for yourself. This man is a leech who is using and bullying you.
I have only just returned to this thread and tillybelle thank you very much for the extremely kind words you have said about me One thing I do have to correct is I ve never had ‘a husband with a horrible disease that could not help his behaviour’ I think you have muddled that bit up with another poster on here I had two husbands and neither had any illnesses whilst with me
Now about the Stockholm Syndrome correct me if I m wrong but isn’t that more about when a captive grows to ‘love’ their captor probably from a very basic instinct to stay alive I can’t speak for the original poster but certainly in my case I fell in love with the man BEFORE he moved in and became the ultimate controller, it was my soft (I hope kind) personality that allowed it to continue too long and although it bugged me the amount of things he did without asking me or even discuss with me I didn’t want to hurt him by telling him that as they were always done ‘to make me happy’ or ‘ to help me’ so I managed to bury all the things he did and although in the back of my mind I knew it was a complete control thing I chose not to tackle it until I got to the end of my tether and then I did I have a feeling SJ23 is at that stage now
Yes I too would like to know how you are now is he still there SJ23?
My dear, dear 'friends' if that's what I can call you. I am so overwhelmed by the interest and advice and kindness I have had from you all. I hadn't actually seen the latest conversations amongst you about my situation, and am so very grateful that you have taken it on board and it obviously rang some bells with some of you.
I have indeed followed up with some counselling, though TBH it is not so helpful as some of your own comments, and can only go so far. I have also gone to a specialist organisation concerned with Women's Aid and am getting help from them. I am aware that this is indeed a specialised form of emotional and psychological abuse from a narcissist, though I am also reluctant to take refuge in labels because there is always something more subtle going on - and it's as much to do with myself inviting and condoning his behaviour as what he actually does. Certainly, I'm going through the most painful conflict because I did and probably still do love this man (yes, Stockholm syndrome) and remember all the genuine strong feelings I had for him and wanting to make him happy (mistake, I know!!) - and the generous and loving things he did for me too. But along with that is the knowledge that this is exactly what happens with such a Jekyll and Hyde character (his own mother pointed out that's what he was!) and they can switch to being a monster when they don't get their way or are being opposed and seem to have no real ability to empathise or compromise.
So, I do admit that sadly I am still battling with the situation, and more than that, with my own inner fight which is not at all resolved. If I could just think of him as a 'bad' person and hate his guts, then it would be easy (well, maybe not so easy!) to chuck out his stuff and change the locks - but unfortunately I still have moments when I ask myself if I could have done more and most of all, would like to reach a reasonable agreement that ensured he left the house rather than end it all on a screaming match or calling the police. But my attempts to discuss anything only result in him calling me crazy for wanting a change and then shutting me down and refusing to talk about it. Utter frustration! So sorry I have nothing more positive to report but I am going to re-read everything you have written and thank you with all my heart, in the hope that something may shift soon.
It is, and would be, really helpful to know from those of you who have done it the exact tipping point where you Know (rather than decide intellectually) that 'enough is enough' and then what you actually do and say to ensure there is a change. So much of the advice centres on the behaviour of the other person, and deciding that it is unacceptable, but the actual crucial process of freeing yourself is what eludes me.
Re-reading gives me such strength. Yes, a damaged and emotionally immature man with some definite personality disorders sums him up. That's why it is so difficult to hate - and I wouldn't want to end up exhibiting the kind of hatred and bitterness that he so often displays
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