Can't take it any more

Op do you have anyone at all who could be with you when you tell him to go? Id there any chance he would be violent?
I know it sounds extreme but you could hide a secret camera - lots online- in case you need evidence of his reaction - verbal or physical.
Social services might be able to put you in touch with someone who could support you, maybe even a social worker would do it.
If you could press a button and he and all his crap would be instantly gone - but you probably wouldn’t have him in your life - would you press it?
If the answer is yes then you know that do t want him - you’re just scared of the fallout - and he knows it. That’s the part you need support with.
Good luck.
Do post again and tell us how it’s all going?
Good luck with your mum, it’s not easy.

SJ23, everybody has been wonderfully supportive and given you lots of advice. Before you do anything, please check with Citizens Advice Bureau what you can legally do. They will also have a list of Women's Help Charities in your area so you can get assistance with dealing with how to proceed.
Any relationship built on emotional blackmail and threats is not one worth saving. I realise that you may be scared of having no-one for support but there are many different forms of support available to you. Speak to someone at Age UK who can put you in contact with people who can assist you with your Mum's care plus the associated costs.
Finally, forgive me if I've misread but you don't say what has happened to your 'partners' home. If he has one, he could go back to his own home and, if he doesn't want to, it seems like his need for a relationship is greater than yours!

I ve been there Sj23 and it’s very very hard to see yourself as not being nasty or unkind but for once you have to put yourself first I had no idea how I was being work on because everything was done for me because he loved me but one day I work up to realise that although I still owned the four walls, most of my furniture and ‘things’ had gradually been replaced by his It was so gradual and always done for ‘my benefit’ I even had a wall knocked down once whilst I was at work he was ‘ working so hard to make it nice for me’
It was dreadful getting him out though, but I did I lied considerable and I m ashamed of that in a way but it was the only wayas he would plead suicide if I broke up with him so I told him we just needed a break to revive things between us he eventually agree to a short break but it was a forever break for me and eventually he gave up and I ve never seen him since I heard he got married a few weeks after our break up finalised
Get support if you can and think only of you and what you want now
And GOOD LUCK x

You aren't married, if you own the property or are sole tenant then he has no rights. It seems to me that he is trying to get his feet under the table so that he can have rights to the property. If you aren't having a relationship then if you were going to treat him as a lodger then you only have to give him reasonable notice and that can be immediate if you think that he might do you harm , or cause damage to the property. Tell him , and back it up in writing , that he has to go by a certain date. Be very clear why you want him out. If he has no proof that he 'loaned' you money then it would be almost impossible for him to prove that it was a loan.
He presumably has money so he can make his own arrangements.And you will be better off without him.

You are unhappy. It's time to make it clear. You know what to do.

I think all the advice is sound. I wonder though if what is troubling you most is quarrelling with someone who you feel has been a great friend to you. In the past, were you always contented to do what he wanted or did you assert yourself sometimes? Is his helpfulness in the past sufficient to justify your putting up with him in present circumstances?

Just a thought.

He seems well practiced in manipulation.

Was he really a good carer for his parents, or was he a bullying scrounger? What goes on behind closed doors....

I've written elsewhere on GN about a vicious elderly relative ( sweetness and light to those outside the family, of course.) After her DH died she would often comment on how she missed him and how she was lonely. My thoughts were:
1. She's lost her primary victim; she doesn't quite know what to do with her time as so much of her day was spent berating her OH. It seemed as though her entire life was consumed with being nasty to her OH.
2. She's trying to get the sympathy vote so she can wheedle her way into her next victim's life.

My assessment sound harsh, but those of us who knew her well didn't give her an inch, and for good reason.

He was really good to you and your mum when you had your accident and she was ill? Looked after you both did he? Could that have been because you were vulnerable and he could take control by any chance?

And he lived at home with his parents all that time? Did he care for (and control) them? Take over maintenance of their home? Live there rent free because he did so much for them? Choose what they should have for dinner?

You said he’s not paying the rent he promised so you’ve gained no help in your mum’s care. In fact he’s living off you. Two up, two down isn’t big enough for people who’ve enjoyed their own space. Unless you’re prepared to move out and give him your home, you need to send him packing!

Yes that has certainly occured to me! Very fair point and I would say a resounding Yes to pretty well all of your questions..., it's a fine line, isn't it, between control of the old and weak and being kind and caring..

I am so very moved that you have taken the trouble to write so kindly, especially as you say you are not well. Everything you say has hit home and makes absolute sense, and I will certainly seek counselling so I can make a clear decision - at the moment I go backwards and forwards. You have really spelled out the situation so clearly and I can't ignore such advice. And no, he does not have a rent book because I have been advised that if he did that would give him legal rights here, so the finances remain fluid, which is good and bad.I do hope you are feeling better and once again, can't thank you enough for writing.

GabriellaG54 summed it up neatly and for what It is worth, I think you should follow her advice. He is not a partner, he is using coercive behaviour, and others have said, one does wonder just what went on with his parents. Has he ever been married? Or lived at home all his life? he sounds emotionally immature, and although it is sad, it is not a tragedy to lose a parent when you are 70. This man child is using and abusing you, you do not need counselling, you need a solicitor, get him out.

I think two or three sessions with a counsellor can be very useful, especially if you have no one with whom you can talk about this. I love knowing my counsellor is there if I need her. It's money very well spent and could help to sort out the confusion in your head. Someone mentioned CAB and an appointment with them would be helpful too and is free. But please do something now.

Sorry, my last post here was what I wrote to Tillybelle, I think I answered most of you privately, not wanting this conversation to run and run! But I can't tell you how very heartwarming it is to feel your interest and concern for me. What a wonderful bunch of people you are. No snide comments, just understanding and really good, sound practical advice and I can feel it resonates with some of your own personal experiences. I will if it's ok let you know how it's going, it is hard work but I want more than anything to find a resolution and I am so grateful to you all.

SJ23 Dear SJ, If it was I (I am guessing because you mentioned the rent book) you sent the kind message hoping I would feel better soon, thank you very much. I've been lying down feeling guilty about the enormous mess in the house.
I have just returned to see how you are. You are getting such good advice here. BlueBelle, Lock, NfkDumpling and others are so astute and have such salutary experiences of their own. I would like to add too that he might try to blackmail you by saying he will commit suicide. I had this threat made to me when I was 18, by a man of 32, so I married him because I thought his death would be my responsibility! Like Bluebell, (and others) I had years of misery.
It is not simply time to put yourself first, but necessary to do so. I thought that the advice from Hetty58 to go to the Police was very helpful as was her advice about evicting him. I think it might come to this as he is so convinced he can get the better of you. I would follow Hetty's advice and ask the Police for help regarding his bullying and coercion. He has outstayed his welcome which he did not really have anyway as he bullied his way in in the first place. I would be inclined to take your letter to the Police and ask them for advice. Say you really want him to leave now. He was meant to go at Christmas. Let them read what you have written. Ask how you can get him out. Say he frightens you. Please do not underplay his bullying and imposing nature, the fact that he does not do what you ask - even though it is your house - and that he is impossible to talk to. But please make sure they know he frightens you. He is frightening me and I'm not even there!

I am so glad you have received so much good advice SJ, remember, most of the people who have written have been through difficulties themselves and having come through it can see a bit more clearly what is going on. When you are in the middle of it, you find it impossible to sort out all the issues and see what is actually happening. The reason for this is the way he talks and manipulates you. It's called "gaslighting" when a person makes you think you aren't thinking straight or that something is your fault when it is so obviously they who are being cruel and selfish. It is a very well-known technique of controlling and coercive people.

If you can, do let us know how you get on. I imagine the first step is to put in writing that you want him to leave within a week/month/date of your choice. Whether you simply mention this to him before giving him it in writing is up to you, but do ask the Police for support.

Should he try to talk you out of it by saying how much he has spent, or threatening to make you pay him back or whatever, remain calm (acting it helps you think you are!) and ignore him. In your head just hear a buzzing fly and when he pauses say words to the effect "Yes, you always say that. I want you to leave on/by ..." No matter what he says, threatens, anything from then onwards, do not get drawn into his argument. Do not answer any of his questions. Do not be taken in by his threats. If necessary leave the room, remain poised and do not let him see he has upset you. Never answer any of his threats or "reasons" why he can't leave.

If he says he will kill himself have your answer ready, something like; "Well that would be very stupid. But I can do nothing about it." If he says how horrible you are and cruel etc, do not believe a word of it, just hear that buzzing fly, and say "Yes, you always say that." If you must, you can say "It is up to you what you think/do."

Please do not engage in an argument. Do not be drawn in to a discussion. Do not answer any of his arguments, do not try to explain or rationalise. That feeds his ability to manipulate and play around with your mind. Just remain aloof, serene - no matter what you feel inside - and say the above things. Repeatedly!

With love and prayers that this goes as peacefully as possible and you reclaim a lovely, calm and welcoming refuge in your home again and that you and your Mother may spend much happy time together. Love from Elle ???

SJ23 Please take this the right way when I say you are EXACTLY the type of 'victim' this kind of man loves ... kind hearted, loving, trusting and gentle (albeit perhaps insecure and lacking confidence?). This vile and manipulative man sounds like a Sociopath! Please get rid of him asap otherwise as had already been said, you'll end up depressed, controlled and brow beaten. These kind of people have no concience - it's all about them! Please see that he's using your positive qualities to achieve his own end. He's masquerading himself as this kind, considerate person only to achieve his goal of getting exactly what HE wants. Make no mistake, this is not about you or your Mother, it's all about him. I hope it's now clear to you that all of us recognise the fact that you are his victim. Do please get help asap (Women's Aid suggestion was excellent) and get rid of this leech! But please keep us informed and do keep safe while going through this traumatic situation. Huge hugs X

Sociopath:
www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html

Re: People asking "Has he ever been married?"

OP writes above:
I'm 71, partner of 20 years is 70 (both divorced). Nine months ago he moved into my tiny cottage

Thus she and he both had previous marriages. Presumably he moved back in with his parents.....

CanOnlyTry. So well said!

I can’t add anything much, but he really isn’t a kind or thoughtful person. He seems rather a ‘taker’.

You would seem to be so much better off without him. Lots of advice here about counselling, the legalities, etc.

Hope all goes well, am sure it will ?

SJ23
You have been given a lot of good advice above and not sure if I can contribute anything that hasn't already been suggested. The fact he has lived with his parents for so many years until their death does seem an unusual arrangement, for him to be your partner for such a long time living in this way. Also he has a son and grandchild/ren who live abroad. It sounds in some ways that he is actually afraid/reluctant of living on his own, but is making out that you are the one who is needy, and is using this controlling behaviour to make you feel you can't manage without him.
I would ask him, now his parents home has sold what are his plans regarding getting a place of his own, that it was only a very temporary arrangement him staying with you and you want and need your own space back. Maybe even suggest you go round the estate agents with him to look at property rentals so he realises you are serious. You said lots of his stuff is in your mum's garage, so guessing she is still in her own home, where will it all go if she had to go into care and her property is sold. It really is time to give him his marching orders, I think the CAB or even Age Concern could give you all the information you need regarding this situation, and any benefits/help you can get for your dear mum. Once you start to do this you will feel a weight lifted from you. Don't be intimidated by him - be firm and stand your ground.

Wishing you all the best sj23,be strong & do what is best for you .Do let us know how you are getting on .x

The manipulation is unbelievable and when you are in the middle of it you are all over the place and not even recognising your own feelings I so clearly remember one night when he picked up a big knife sat on the end of the bed and said ‘Look what you have brought me to’ I had no idea if it was intended for me, him or us both so I tried to talk him down and that means taking the blame and begging forgiveness (some will say that’s a great weakness but you can only work with what’s happening to you at the time, easy when you ve never been in the situation to go by the textbook) we stayed there most of the night A new day dawned and we just carried on as if it had all been a bad dream but you can’t live like that for a long period and it was then I started my mental thoughts of how to get him out of my life but it had to be done with him thinking it was his idea or at least an idea he could accept
I don’t agree with some who say ‘he is a bad man’ in my case he was a damaged man from his own childhood, he had many good things in his character too and that’s where the difficulty lies
A truly bad person would emotionally be easy to walk away from

You have a lot going on at the moment and it is not surprising that your emotions are all over the place. You are being stifled by your partner. He needs to respect the fact that he is staying in your home, if he can't do that then he needs to move out into his own place. He appears to be inflicting what I would describe as coercive behaviour, making you worry about how you would manage without him. This is typical mental abuse and is abhorrent. If you can take a step back and look at how things are you will be able to see that life would be better if you had your own space and you would manage. Mentally you would be in a much better place and thus able to cope. Good luck, you deserve better.

I don't see him as a bad man. He's a basically good man behaving in a very bad way.

He loved and cared for his parents then was cast into the overwhelmingly frightening situation of independence at an elderly stage in his life. He substituted by loving and caring for your mother and the cat, by installing himself in your home and trying to take control and become needed, ideally indispensable.

He's very scared of being alone. Unfortunately, the situation is bad for both of you. You can't force yourself to be the person he wants you to be. He can't adapt or grow while he's 'hiding' in your house. The separation will be good for both of you.

Oh BlueBelle! I am in tears when I hear of your suffering. You have been so kind to all of us here who have suffered or, like this poor lass, SJ23, is in the middle of a a crisis. I remember you telling us of your previous husband's horrible illness and how he could not help his behaviour. I had a close friend who also had a husband with the same illness. I think you are so kind, generous, decent and actually a wonderful person! You always write kind and helpful posts to people in distress and draw on your experience. You write with courage to say that you do not have loads of money to spend freely when people are getting carried away talking about their expensive tastes and you bravely remind everyone of the great need in the world where children go hungry even though you know people might attack you. (That was another thread in case people are confused - I just remember how much I respected Bluebelle - indeed admired her).

I do appreciate that not all situations of being with a terribly difficult man (sorry Grandads, I'm sure you appreciate we're talking about a man here) is because he is a calculated controlling person deliberately abusing a kind woman. In some cases, as with you, Bluebelle, the person is very seriously ill and unable to control their behaviour or have insight into the situation.
I do hope you are having a comfortable life now and know that you did everything you possibly could. Your safety is paramount. Trying to manage a person in this situation, on your own, is impossible. You did brilliantly that night! Sadly I have seen it in the Clinic too and we always advised the partner to separate because it does not support the person's illness - usually - to stay when the illness is in a severe stage and we are (were!) very concerned about their safety.
Bless you and anyone going through this terrible situation.
Good luck SJ23, try and feel strong. Everything is on your side, you have all the power. It is your home. Do not believe that you cannot manage without him. For the first years of my marriage I believed what my bullying husband said, that I could not manage on my own. But I could! Much better than with him! He really was like a mill stone round my neck. If, when he is gone, you need help, say with your mother, you will find a way to get it. People do come in to help. I have been so much happier on my own! I even had some holidays on my own. I think I met far more lovely people because I was alone than I ever met when my husband was there.

You will survive! The words are good and true! Ask any of us!
With love to everyone, I am very moved by the kindness and fantastically good advice on this topic. What wonderful people you are! I feel so lucky to be in touch with people like all of you. Good luck SJ23! ???

SJ23. I read your post with a heavy heart. Other gransnetters have offered some wonderful advice and I hope this helps you. Wishing you strength to move on! ??