Mumsnet discussions about estrangement

Our generation was brought up to tolerate our older relatives out of respect, but sometimes the respect only went one way. Many young people put up with horrible treatment , which only ended with the death of the older person. "Going no contact" would have saved a lot of heartache I'm sure

Thank you for saying this. The generation of "mini-god," parents has quickly become obsolete, and now they are shocked at how quickly they can get disposed if they are not respectful. Like someone said on here, respect no longer comes with seniority - it has to be earned. There's no point for anyone to tolerate/maintain/stay in any relationship that they deem to be abusive/toxic/makes them unhappy (for any reason) just to make another person happy. If someone doesn't want you in their lives, why do we keep pushing back?

I didn't think there was any rivalry either but I have found some posts about estrangement on MN shocking too. I found it useful to read as it opened my eyes to a way of thinking that surprised me. In reply to SirChengine, It's not the point to say if MN doesn't suit you find a forum that does. M N is quite influential in forming opinion and there is no point posting into an echo chamber anyway.

Notanan2 no I didn't think there was any rivalry nor did I think everyone would agree by default, I just reflected on what I had seen because it shocked me. That's OK isn't it?

I have noticed more balanced responses recently on MN but I do think there is still a tendency towards advocating NC. In some situations I can see why, but sometimes it seems harsh. I think it would be frowned on to copy and paste from MN or name prolific posters from MN with strong opinions.

Sirch.. Thanks for taking the time to contribute but I'm bored now.

Maybe joyfulnanna thought there was some great NM Vs MN rivalry and we would all agree by default?

MN & GN are sister sites, theyre different but theres an intersection. And there are LOTS of nans on MN its not all young'uns

What exactly did you see on MN that would warrant this thread? Remember that MN has thousands of users and many hundreds of threads each day - and within that you will see a great number of threads on a variety of the boards, and within that number you will see a tiny minority who will advocate going NC while the vast majority of posters will offer constructive alternatives. That’s the nature of online forums - and if MN isn’t for you then there are many others to pick from.

MN has a much wider membership base than GN or Netmums

"wouldn't" not would

Sirch.. When I used the word "constant" it was in relation to 'throwaway' remarks (like going nc). There's a difference between what you have understood by my post and what I have said. It's an easy one to misunderstand. I just wanted to express my views about what I had seen on mumsnet and I would recommend anyone to take advice on there seriously. I actually think it's damaging. I have more confidence in GN. I am not weak minded so any unhelpful comments aren't taken to heart (by the way this is not meant to offend anyone)

No-one is saying that it’s not there long, just that a)it’s not constant, b)that it’s not the default position and c)it’s a tiny minority who advocate
it at the drop of a hat with the vast majority offering alternatives (when appropriate)

I personally found nethuns/netmums really shocking when I browsed it but granted its been a good few years

Posters who did reckless/dangerous/downright neglectful or stupid things getting told "happy mum happy baby" etc and told to ignore concerned family members or professionals...

...but it might have changed

I find people on "nethuns" generally more sympathetic to parents of adults than on mumsnet, there is a vibe on mumsnet that extended family aren't important.

I don't know how anyone reading mumsnet can have missed the type of advice Joyfulnanna is talking about. On the relatioship boards a few long term mumsnet posters are strong advocates of NC . They advise on very little information. Having said that estrangement is an emotive subject and I have sometimes seen posts on gransnet which show poor insight. I have also seen posts from people in a lot of emotional pain. Lots of labels like "narcissist" are also thrown around easily. We never really know the truth of a situation as posts on both sites only give one side of the story. Mumsnet is quick to jump to conclusions and recommend estrangement,

Smileless2012, I din't post on your estrangement threads, many feel as you do. Many feel I should try to talk to my own daughters to tell sils to talk to the sils mums. None of my business and I'd not consider getting in the middle to their estrangement. This seemed to be a different post. Enquiring about mumsnet. My idea is to see what is in the other persons shoes.

Oh that’s well known saying on MN - the advice is ‘Nethuns is that way ->’ if the OP wants everyone to agree with them. It’s not according to notanan

Interesting notanan2, so according to you, netmums posters are more supportive and in agreement with OP and mumsnet posters take an opposing view from OP? What is your general opinion of Gransnet posters?

I suppose the reason why NC "is so unacceptable to so many here" Norah is because the majority who post on the estrangement threads on GN are the ones who have been estranged.

If you go on there wanting to rant about hating your ILs or family for petty reasons.... youre in for a bit of a time...

Head to netmums for that... thats where posters are always told theyre right and everybody else is wrong IMO and even gentle suggestions otherwise arent tolerated

Well that is contrary to your OP isnt it....

Posters dont "back up" the OP unless they actually agree with them! There's no party line! And often the replies favour the other party rather than egging on the OP!

Yes you need a thick skin to post on there and I dont think many posters are 'well informed' at all, as someone on this thread has said earlier. More that they are opinionated and lack life experience so tend to post the most extreme "advice" without a second thought on how it would be taken by the OP. No one should be 'crucified' when seeking advice, that could be very damaging to their mental state.

I havent posted on MN since my baby days but my first post I was CRUCIFIED and told I was being unreasonable and prescious etc (I still think I was right, it was re people with a honking productive cold visiting me when I had just had a newborn and surgery!) you need a thick skin on there, dont post expecting to hear what you want to hear.

I do not think that someone considering NC will get back pats and cheer leading on MN unless they have GOOD reason for considering it!

If its reinforcement someone wants they would be brave asking for it on MN! The posters there dont hold back and often tell posters they are the unreasonable one, and the other party sounds like they are right!

Are you thinking of netmums ("nethuns") where posters are more likely to always be agreed with?

Going NC is, in some instances, a very good response to a bad situ. Not sure why NC is so unacceptable to so many here? Maybe walk on in the posters shoes?

I've had a look today, and yes of course there are occasional posts where the OP has said that her parents / ex husband / sister is being really horrible. Most people answer in a sensible and measured manner , but yes you get the odd person who will say " oh you should go no contact , OP". It's not the norm by any means , and it's just one opinion. I don't think it's common for anyone to go no contact " at the slightest thing".