My son has repatriated after four years and it starts!!!

I don’t think the ‘bash’ was literally meant bradfordlase I think it meant talk bad about her

Um, unless I missed or have forgotten something, BradfordLass, Cdn is worried that he son "might bash" her to other relatives. How can she stop that? All she might be able to stop, IMO, is the other relatives repeating the hurtful words to her and DH (if she asks them not to and they respect her wishes).

I am wary about just four words CdnNanny
"...he might bash me"

I don't wonder your DH is upset. Please don't put yourself or your DH in a position to ever let that happen again.

"Ex is also charging him for food"

So we know your wanting to charge him for food isn't why he went to Ex' house.

"I would have been more than happy to welcome him into my home, but the last time I did that after he was laid off from his job - his six week stay turned into FOUR YEARS until he left for Europe. I have a two bedroom condo. A little too close for comfort."

Maybe DS feels the same way? True, he could be upset that you wouldn't cosign, I'm not ruling that out. But I imagine there were a lot of tensions between you by the time he left your home for Europe. No doubt, he remembers that, just as you do, so he may not want to deal w/ it again.

Regardless, as long as he and DIL are keeping in touch, IMO, you're ok. Glad you've decided no more handouts.

It may be a good thing that he's busy b/c it's giving you some added space. Perhaps you can use this to let go of any lingering resentments from the past.

Cdn, you have introduced us all to your son very negatively. You put him down and assume the worst of him with every comment. Understand that he has known you for as long as you have known him and probably senses that you don't think much of him. I think you both need to talk this through or you need to turn a new page with new boundaries and keep moving forward. Otherwise when you do see him, this building resentment is going to be glaringly obvious to him and push him further away. You helped in the past and you can't now. Be grateful you were in a position to help and support him now by cheering him on as he finds his feet.

How are things going Cdnnanny?

Should have proofread that ‘has money’ present tense. And, his job does not pan out. On my iPhone, it’s a tiny keyboard!

Good day, and thank you again. I am keeping myself busy with several fun projects. And yes, I am overthinking things past and present and not because I have loaned him money. I realize it’s long gone. I am worried about him knocking at my door if he job does not pan out ( he did manage to find one before repatriating) but his track record is sketchy. Did I mention he worked a total of maybe 4 months in Europe? I realize he had a serious work accident (he is a welder) but he seems to relish the fact that he can live on handouts. He even constantly says his accident was ‘lucky’ because now he had money! Who thinks like that? Canada is expensive and his SD and I work 2 jobs each!!!

CdnNannyit is tough and I know it's easier said than done but try not to over think the situation.

All you can do is wait until he gets in touch and see what he has to say.

Good advice from Hetty. Do you best to focus on other things. Your next communication from him may not be as bad as you fear.

CdnNanny, I can't help thinking that you're focussing too much on this, maybe imagining problems that aren't there. Has it got out of proportion?

I'd be throwing myself into other things, new projects, plans, even decorating, gardening and a good old spring clean.

I'd make a point of meeting up with friends and other family members, of following my own interests, reading a good book, watching a film.

The more stuff you manage to pack into your days, the more 'diluted' concerns over your son will become. I know it's just a case of distracting yourself but it works.

When you do finally catch up with him you'll be more relaxed and have lots to talk about.

Feeling down tonight. This is tough.

Wonder what you might advise someone in the same position ?

Ask your husband if he can try, just for your piece of mind to be a neutral party when dealing with your son. Reassure him that you've learnt some hard lessons and have seen how things cannot be as they once were. Your husband will have seen your son as a grown man showing no respect for his mum due to how it was when he lived with you. I'm sure, like most of us do, you were still in 'mum' mode and treat him as you always had done.
Feeling as though you needed to protect him from being judged harshly you possibly let more things go than you normally would have which creates a vicious circle.
Reassurance from you that you will not let your heart rule your head and you will treat him as the fully grown man he is now might help him calm down a little.

If he see's you in a tizz and worrying over the smallest of things his protectiveness will go into overdrive.

CdnNanny

I understand exactly where you are coming from. My husbands youngest son - so my stepson - has conned us out of a lot of money over the last few years- £40,000 to be exact. He has not repaid one penny & does not bother to get in touch with us now, I suppose because we closed the bank of mum & dad. He doesn’t send any Christmas or birthday cards - we still send to him & his family. There is no contact with our grandson either, which is very hurtful.

We are in the process of moving near to our eldest son, who lives fairly close to the youngest - but there is no contact between them either, due to this horrible situation.

I send you my best wishes & hope that things work out for you.

Your retirement and your future are at what's at stake here and that should be your number one priority.

There is more than one issue here and all enough to cause upset to varying degrees. Just try not to let them get to you, otherwise you will be 'punishing' yourself.

You laid out reasonable terms and your son rejected them so take a step back and let the chips fall where they may. Remember, as long as they're not starving or living inside the car, no action should be needed on your part.

Let them stay with his dad for a time and see how well that goes and how long it lasts. It sounds like DIL has a more reasonable outlook. If you don't get a response from your S, he probably is miffed. ....but don't react and don't let your emotions drive you. Stick to your guns calmly but firmly and have patience. Reach out to your DIL, as often as you can. More likely that when DIL arrives, he'll have to come around.

You're right CdnNanny, your GS's don't deserve to be without a grandmother, no child deserves to be without loving and caring GP's.

God forbid that should be the outcome, but if it is remember it wont because of you, it will be because of him.

Giving/lending money or helping in any other way doesn't/shouldn't come with expectations etc but give and take mutuality is a normal part of relationships so it seems entirely reasonable for the OP to feel somewhat taken for granted and used.

@PamGeo - just realized you may be speaking of my son. So very true! Yes, great comment!

@PamGeo - not really. Mine closes up but will blow on a dime to defend me. Guess its required when needed. I just wish when it comes to my son, he would shut his mouth so as not to do more damage. DH tells me I should finally voice my opinion, but again, my two grandsons do not deserve to be without a grandmother. I think we are important (grandparents I mean)

PamGeo
A great comment ??

Good news Cdn, men aren't always the best for communicating are they.

Disability, marriage, children, different culture and standing on his own feet (before wife) in a foreign country could have changed some of his outlook on life.
Who knows how he will be once he is back in his own country with his family but his relationship with you can only change if you and your husband accept him as he is now. I certainly don't mean slipping into the pattern you had before he left to grow and mature into someone's husband and dad.
I understand your fear of how you will behave when he is in your life again on the same soil but perhaps he has changed and is just as wary of how you may not see the changes in him. He may be a complete selfish manipulative twat who is just older and has a family I don't know ... but neither do you, just yet.
Treat this as a new start on the rest of your lives, all the things you and your husband have been doing for the past few years, do them, keep busy, keep your friends and hobbies and enjoy your retirement.
Families and friends can be the icing on the cake if the mix is right, too much is just too much. He doesn't need you anymore for support or nurturing or finances as he once did so find out who he now is and let him see who you now are.
If you don't like him, put a little space between you, if you do then all's well in your world and you can relax. ..... Leave social media or mobile phones alone for a while and refuse to let other family members pass on negativity.

NB - I like this group! Think I will stick around! :-)

Thank you everyone. I have read all of your responses and have considered all of them. Ironically, my son's wife whom is still in Germany is writing me and sending me photos for which I am grateful for. I realize my son is busy with a new job and trying to settle in before his family arrives. All I wanted was a 'better' worded message. He sounded cold and distant but it's hard to tell from a text. I received another message telling me essentially that he was busy, it was then that I told him to contact me when he is ready. Ex is also charging him for food so I would have been more than happy to welcome him into my home, but the last time I did that after he was laid off from his job - his six week stay turned into FOUR YEARS until he left for Europe. I have a two bedroom condo. A little too close for comfort. I truly believe it was because we flat out refused to co-sign the mortgage and now because he has no credit rating in Canada, he will have to rent. Again, thanks to everyone. He will contact me in due time, but no signing and no hand outs from me!!!

Has he asked for more money? I understand how you wanted to help him and it looks like you have to write the money you loaned off. Just try if you can, to say no, if he does broach the subject, of more cash, say that you are finding it a bit tough now you are retired and there's no money and add that you feel guilty as you haven't treated his siblings the same and you always tried to be fair. If he keeps away well you have to live with it. What you do have now should be for you. You have done what a lot of us do, it's our fault realy, we just want to help but so often in retrospect it would have been better if we hadn't.