ANGRY WITH DH - HOW TO RESOLVE?

It sounds to me that he is frightened but can't actually say it directly. He will be frightened for himself and leaving you unable to cope. Let him know that whatever he feels and thinks, you love him just as much as ever and him distancing himself is not protecting you or him.

Best of luck, it is amazing the healing power of love. From another mere male.

It isn’t unusual for people who have a heart attack to suffer fear of death, and anxiety about doing routine things afterwards. Although fortunately, there was only minor damage to an artery, it sounds as if the whole thing was frightening for him and he is still trying to cope with the psychological issues it raised for him. Years ago, he would have been able to see a Health Psychologist after this kind of incident. The Tory cuts mean that the work became so constrained that, just like me, many Psychologists took early retirement. Some were even made redundant as part of ‘efficiency savings’. There is now a shortage of Psychologists. I’d suggest being patient with your husband and encourage him to talk to you about his fears. If he sees his GP, he could be referred for counselling.

Sorry about your troubles my father had a mild heart attack and had to take beta blockers ,however my Mum had to return to work 9-3 and was only a few minutes away , he festered on this for years she was only doing what she could to pay the mortgage while he was off work, he made her pay for this forever more

Be thankful that there was only minor damage and you still have your H.
How difficult will it be to obtain help from others ?YES even something as minor as rebooting a Sky box, until he is back on his feet .

It may not be what happened for your husband (and you!) with the health scare but what might have happened and what may happen in the future. It can feel like the start of a slide into frailty. It was particularly interesting for me to read your post, Ramblingrose. I was diagnosed with artherosclerosis and angina 3 years ago. I've worked in hospitals most of my professional life and had not really thought angina was anything serious so I was amazed at how very fragile I felt. I have always been very healthy, was the 'breadwinner" most of our married life and was generally 'in control' of everything. Suddenly I was faced with my mortality and an angiogram!! I 'knew' it was a very safe procedure, often carried out as an out patient, and assured my husband I did not need him to travel to Aberdeen from Orkney with me where I was to have the procedure. However it was not straightforward and they had to stop as an artery was almost completely blocked!! He had to race down to see me on ferries and buses. I eventually had to have 3 stents inserted. The recovery period was a revelation to me. Although he did not treat me as an invalid, he did not question it when I adopted that role, despite being symptom free. He encouraged me to resume my walks which I had abandoned because the chest pain had been unbearable, only showing his anxiety if I was longer away than he anticipated, he did not complain when I left things half done and he continued to be the chief cook and shopper as well as doing all the gardening, fixing things and putting out the dustbins. We had the occasional arguments over the 2 years before I regained my confidence usually about unrelated things, and we shared our fears about what had happened. I think we could have been very angry to have had such a fright too as, latterly there were a couple of very frank exchanges which were quite harmful too. I find I am much more insecure if he is away from the house too long as we both know now exactly how fragile life is. I have made an amazing recovery but it is not so much what happened as what might have happened and may happen in the future which made us both angry and afraid. I found it particularly infuriating when people appeared to belittle my illness, although I realised that I had not understood the implications despite having worked for years with people recovering from strokes! However, I still appreciate my husbands calm acceptance of how I needed to be during my recovery and I have stopped surfing the internet on the subject of my condition......

This is laughable in a way because his angry reactions to the small things you ask are way more damaging to his blood pressure than simply pressing a few buttons on a sky box!

All of us, when scared and feeling we are mortal and will die some time (maybe soon) get upset and say silly things, there is nothing personal about it, it is merely a reflection of how fragile your DH is feeling, like an eggshell. 'Don't touch me, I might break' - and like Humpty Dumpty, all the Queen's doctors and all the Queen's nurses won't be able to put me together again.

Personally, if my DH said something like that to me it would have gone over my head and be forgotten by now because I would have understood where it was coming from.

Last week DH was 'advised' by his GP not to drive for the time being, after he had a micro sleep when driving. He is undergoing tests for sleep apnoea. He is feeling much like your DH, RR22, feeling doomed, he will never drive again etc etc. This has lead him to decline in to depression or get over-emotional about everything, (he is a glass half empty person). Not helped by me being hale hearty and in good health. I haven't yet been told that it is all my fault yet, but sooner or later I am sure that will come.

I thought that to reboot the Sky box you just unplugged it for 10 mins then plugged it in again! That's how I used to do it.

Hope DH has a change of attitude soon. If the hospital are not concerned he ought not to be either.

Dear Ramblingrose22,
I believe he's frightened and doesn't know how to express himself and talk to you about his fears of death and dying.
I would eat my anger and hurt and try and help him.
I've had a similar experience during a period when my DH was wounded and feared he'd never walk again and be free of pain. I've never forgotten the pain he caused with his remark, but I did decide to forgive and let it go.
Ultimately it more life enhancing that staying angry and hurt.

Is this uncharacteristic behaviour? If so it sounds as though he may be depressed. Perhaps he has suddenly become aware of his mortality and it has scared him and made him anxious. That's no excuse for being bad tempered and horrible but it might help explain it. Do you think he would talk you about how he is feeling? I know that is easier said than done because he sounds a bit like my DH!

Lots of positives to draw on here- though obviously not good or nice to regularly have someone be rude about you.

Be patient with the illness. It obviously is a big thing to him.

Good luck.

He's had a scare and now he's frightened. If he thinks you possibly don't understand he'll feel alone with this worry. Would he be prepared to change his diet to help bring down his BP? If so, cut out the salt 'entirely' as salt raises BP a lot. So no food containing salt either. Read 'How Not To Die', its amazing. There's a section on BP and it will surprise you. You could help him and yourself to be out of any risk. I've read it several times as its that good. And by the way, blood pressure pills only help a bit, they don't take away the problem. Good luck.

He's had a shock after waltzing through life with no problems then Wham! he is faced with what he thinks is his own mortality and he's frightened.
Like all males, even just suffering a cold , he's over egging and it's frustrating as well as hurtful by the way he is speaking to and treating you. I think that I'd have probably shouted back that no, he was trying to hasten you end!
No doubt he will soon be having a check up with his GP to see how his medication is suiting him - wouldn't hurt to go with him and mention to the doc how he is so he can hopefully explain just what he should be doing!

My husband seemed to have a personality change after he was diagnosed with high blood pressure and diabetes. After a while his blood pressure meds were changed & he reverted to being his usual self. Could it be the effect of the meds?

I think the heart issue has probably scared him more than he has admitted. And perhaps it has left him feeling a bit depressed. Maybe you need to give him a little leeway and just try and coax him slowly into doing a bit more. The issue of inappropriate comments is a separate issue and perhaps needs to be tackled when he is a bit more like his normal self.

oh gosh, we can make excuses, give reasons,, me? I am quite elderly, had a good life, not a lot of illness, just usual for women,, dh also, been strong, had several more illnesses and operations than me, but still strong..

now,, suddenly, due to a really life threatening op. and other stuff piling on, I have suddenly, yes, suddenly discovered that life is not permanent... believe me! so I can sort of understand your dh... having said that no excuse for lashing out, but a good apology and work on the "fear" together.

I think that could be the main problem,, getting old is not fun,, well I only just discovered that... and there are people younger than me who already know that..

it is a shock.

i needed to reboot my sky box a while ago and read how to do it on the internet. i couldn't get to the plug socket to turn it off so i took the mains lead out of the back of the box, waited a little while and reconnected it. after waiting between five and ten minutes i used the remote and pressed the "sky" button - hey presto a rebooted sky box!
i'm sorry though i can't suggest anything about how to put things right between you and your husband as it's been a long time since i had one - i've been divorced for over 20 years.

^ he shouted at me that I wanted to "hasten his death", which was not only ridiculous but very upsetting for me. ^

Don't get upset at that sort of comment, as you say, it is ridiculous. Try agreeing with him in a humorous way, pointing out how ratty he has been :-)

Give it a little time RamblingRose22 your husband has had a shock and needs to come to terms with things in his own way. Try not to take things to heart, as someone else said you are his nearest and dearest in the direct line of fire.

It sounds like there are two things going on here. One is that your dh has a habit of denigrating you anyway, which must be hard to live with. The other is that he - and you - have had a very unpleasant shock regarding his health.

I'd say that that the second has exacerbated the first and he's now really lashing out. From what I've learnt from others, heart issues in particular can trigger a lot of fear, even when eventually given the all clear. It knocks one's confidence badly and the person can feel fragile and vulnerable which leads to the ill-temper and so-on. It can a form of PTSD.

I absolutely do not think that that excuses your dh's behaviour but it might explain it and make it more understandable to you. Remember the old saying, we only hurt the ones we love? I agree with another poster who prescribes time, and I would also suggest talking, maybe when you're out and about so he is less likely to make a fuss. Also, speak to your doctor or a heart care nurse or perhaps a heart charity, because I am certain you will not be alone with this problem.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thanks, for your kind words Ellianne. He's said crass things before and makes embarrassing jokes when we are out. The last time I got really upset with him was because the "joke" was denigrating me directly. It was humiliating and in no way funny.

His parents were always saying embarrassing (as in inappropriate) things in public so he thinks that's normal.

NanKate. I should have thought of googling this! There may also be a user guide somewhere in the house.

I usually prefer to be independent but there are a few jobs that I'm still not sure how to do. This is probably one of the easier ones!

I suppose one way he could help is to stop making embarrassing jokes in public in future that make me cringe. He can still do them when he's out without me so it's not as if I'm preventing him from ever doing it.

It would also help if he thought carefully before he accuses me of anything. I am usually accused of having moved something of his that he has lost, but that is minor compared with being accused of planning his demise.

I have just looked up on the Internet how to reboot your Skybox. Just type in ‘how to reboot skybox’. Here is part of what they say.

‘It may take up to a minute before the box is ready to be switched back on.
Press and hold down the red reset button located behind the MY SKY panel at the front of your box.
Hold this down until all the lights appear on the box, then release.
All the lights will turn off and the box will go through a reboot.
More items...’

The answer is to become independent. Best of luck.

Maybe because you care so much about each other the recent event has caused you both a lot of stress and worry. He's probably still scared and instead of being happy that it wasn't serious he is now worrying it could happen again and be worse. Illness often changes people, it must be hard for you to accept things have changed but time may gradually improve the situation. We none of us really know how we will react until it happens to us, so sometimes we just have to work it through.

Thanks for all the comments so far.

Jane10 - DH is not usually ratty with me. He had changed his medication before the chest pains happened and suffered several unpleasant side-effects not mentioned in the Patient Information Leaflet. These side effects made him ratty to start with but they have been disappearing because he's switched back to the previous meds so he should be feeling a lot better.

It is not necessary for him to behave as though he's got a serious heart problem and accuse me of upsetting things when he has been told clearly that he hasn't. I think he's become paranoid that he's going to get ill again because he has had a succession of annoying health issues which are minor but painful while they last.

I am not only hurt but I feel like I've lost respect for him and I don't like that to happen. If he asks me how he can make it up to me I can't think of anything while I continue to feel like this.