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ANGRY WITH DH - HOW TO RESOLVE?

(58 Posts)
Ramblingrose22 Mon 15-Jul-19 17:01:48

DH was in hospital recently because of chest pains. Tests were done and we were relieved to be told that there is only minor damage to an artery. The only treatment he needed was to start taking blood pressure (BP) pills as his BP had shot up. He can carry on his life as he did before.

Since returning home he has been very ratty and unhelpful, saying he has no energy and mustn't overdo things. This caused no friction until last Saturday when I asked him to re-boot the Skybox. I have never been sure how to reboot it or I wouldn't have asked him. From memory it's not a strenuous job or even time-consuming.

He refused to do it point blank and when I complained he shouted at me that I wanted to "hasten his death", which was not only ridiculous but very upsetting for me. I told him so and he apologised later, but used the words "I am sorry if I offended you". I made it clear that there was no if about it. "Offended" isn't correct either - I am still very upset.

I just can't forgive or forget what he said. It struck me that he's been treating the heart problem as if it is serious or life-threatening when he knows perfectly well that it isn't. But sorry doesn't cut it - how could he accuse me of such a thing? It's hurtful and nasty and completely out of order.

Of course it's a shock to find out you have a heart problem but he only thinks of himself. I was just as shocked and stressed as he was when he was admitted to hospital and have been very stressed with his ratty mood ever since he got home.

How do others think I can resolve this?

SirChenjin Mon 15-Jul-19 17:13:20

I think I would ignore it as you would do a small child (because it was a stupid, childish, petulant thing to say) and when he's feeling a bit less terrified and has a bit more perspective then you can have a chat about it and he can explain in more detail why he was so rude and hurtful. I'd also be tempted to go and visit my sister for a few days and leave him to stew in his own Sky-free juices.

Jane10 Mon 15-Jul-19 17:14:22

With a little leeway? It's all been a shock to him and I suppose he's getting used to the idea of himself as a person with something wrong. He most likely never thought anything could go wrong with him if he's anything like my DH!
Its a pity he's been do ratty with you. Has he never been before?
Give him time. At least he tried to apologise even though it wasn't put well.
Could you ask him to show you how to rescan the Skybox?

Jane10 Mon 15-Jul-19 17:15:47

Also, maybe you're being a bit touchy too as it all must have been a shock to you too? Apply tincture of time.

Scentia Mon 15-Jul-19 17:18:18

The only way to resolve it is to learn how to reboot the sky box!

Give him a bit of time, it is extremely scary to think you are healthy to then find out you are not.

paddyann Mon 15-Jul-19 17:25:09

my other half had 2 heart attacks 7 years ago,he refuses to believe he has a health problem even though he has to take several pills a day .It really shocked him when he tried to get insurance recently and they asked for a medical report and of course the quote was very high.He still thinks he doesn't have a heart problem its everyone else who has it wrong !
The first couple of months though he was just like your OH ,terrified to do "too much" or exercise too hard.Luckily his after care included an excercise class where everyone was in the same situation and that helped him see he could still do everything he did before .Book your husband onto an NHS heart recuperation course and give him time to come to terms with what has happened to him

EllanVannin Mon 15-Jul-19 18:26:18

It's because he's a man !

Bridgeit Mon 15-Jul-19 18:31:18

He is scared, & scared to admit it, (false pride , men !) have a glass of wine & talk , best wishes

Ramblingrose22 Mon 15-Jul-19 18:39:56

Thanks for all the comments so far.

Jane10 - DH is not usually ratty with me. He had changed his medication before the chest pains happened and suffered several unpleasant side-effects not mentioned in the Patient Information Leaflet. These side effects made him ratty to start with but they have been disappearing because he's switched back to the previous meds so he should be feeling a lot better.

It is not necessary for him to behave as though he's got a serious heart problem and accuse me of upsetting things when he has been told clearly that he hasn't. I think he's become paranoid that he's going to get ill again because he has had a succession of annoying health issues which are minor but painful while they last.

I am not only hurt but I feel like I've lost respect for him and I don't like that to happen. If he asks me how he can make it up to me I can't think of anything while I continue to feel like this.

Ellianne Mon 15-Jul-19 19:14:16

Maybe because you care so much about each other the recent event has caused you both a lot of stress and worry. He's probably still scared and instead of being happy that it wasn't serious he is now worrying it could happen again and be worse. Illness often changes people, it must be hard for you to accept things have changed but time may gradually improve the situation. We none of us really know how we will react until it happens to us, so sometimes we just have to work it through.

NanKate Mon 15-Jul-19 19:20:23

I have just looked up on the Internet how to reboot your Skybox. Just type in ‘how to reboot skybox’. Here is part of what they say.

‘It may take up to a minute before the box is ready to be switched back on.
Press and hold down the red reset button located behind the MY SKY panel at the front of your box.
Hold this down until all the lights appear on the box, then release.
All the lights will turn off and the box will go through a reboot.
More items...’

The answer is to become independent. Best of luck.

Ramblingrose22 Mon 15-Jul-19 19:37:12

Thanks, for your kind words Ellianne. He's said crass things before and makes embarrassing jokes when we are out. The last time I got really upset with him was because the "joke" was denigrating me directly. It was humiliating and in no way funny.

His parents were always saying embarrassing (as in inappropriate) things in public so he thinks that's normal.

NanKate. I should have thought of googling this! There may also be a user guide somewhere in the house.

I usually prefer to be independent but there are a few jobs that I'm still not sure how to do. This is probably one of the easier ones!

I suppose one way he could help is to stop making embarrassing jokes in public in future that make me cringe. He can still do them when he's out without me so it's not as if I'm preventing him from ever doing it.

It would also help if he thought carefully before he accuses me of anything. I am usually accused of having moved something of his that he has lost, but that is minor compared with being accused of planning his demise.

Bordersgirl57 Mon 15-Jul-19 21:02:53

Embarrassing things said in public? Oh my word I feel your pain. Why is it necessary? When he was still working and we had to go to stuff (he was the boss of a big company) I used to say to him as we went out the door -
"whatever you do, don't be yourself". I wish. Politically incorrect to the nth degree and smart remarks/jokes that are below the belt.

My H also has some fairly serious medical stuff going on but likewise has just reduced his activity and sleeps all evening.

I hope your H realises that you only have his best interests at heart and finds himself able to accept that he has a lot to take in but he mustn't take it out on you. You may even get a proper apology (I hope).

SueDonim Mon 15-Jul-19 21:06:51

It sounds like there are two things going on here. One is that your dh has a habit of denigrating you anyway, which must be hard to live with. flowers The other is that he - and you - have had a very unpleasant shock regarding his health.

I'd say that that the second has exacerbated the first and he's now really lashing out. From what I've learnt from others, heart issues in particular can trigger a lot of fear, even when eventually given the all clear. It knocks one's confidence badly and the person can feel fragile and vulnerable which leads to the ill-temper and so-on. It can a form of PTSD.

I absolutely do not think that that excuses your dh's behaviour but it might explain it and make it more understandable to you. Remember the old saying, we only hurt the ones we love? I agree with another poster who prescribes time, and I would also suggest talking, maybe when you're out and about so he is less likely to make a fuss. Also, speak to your doctor or a heart care nurse or perhaps a heart charity, because I am certain you will not be alone with this problem.

sodapop Mon 15-Jul-19 21:26:18

Give it a little time RamblingRose22 your husband has had a shock and needs to come to terms with things in his own way. Try not to take things to heart, as someone else said you are his nearest and dearest in the direct line of fire.

yggdrasil Tue 16-Jul-19 07:06:32

^ he shouted at me that I wanted to "hasten his death", which was not only ridiculous but very upsetting for me. ^

Don't get upset at that sort of comment, as you say, it is ridiculous. Try agreeing with him in a humorous way, pointing out how ratty he has been :-)

Lupatria Tue 16-Jul-19 10:18:32

i needed to reboot my sky box a while ago and read how to do it on the internet. i couldn't get to the plug socket to turn it off so i took the mains lead out of the back of the box, waited a little while and reconnected it. after waiting between five and ten minutes i used the remote and pressed the "sky" button - hey presto a rebooted sky box!
i'm sorry though i can't suggest anything about how to put things right between you and your husband as it's been a long time since i had one - i've been divorced for over 20 years.

polnan Tue 16-Jul-19 10:20:00

oh gosh, we can make excuses, give reasons,, me? I am quite elderly, had a good life, not a lot of illness, just usual for women,, dh also, been strong, had several more illnesses and operations than me, but still strong..

now,, suddenly, due to a really life threatening op. and other stuff piling on, I have suddenly, yes, suddenly discovered that life is not permanent... believe me! so I can sort of understand your dh... having said that no excuse for lashing out, but a good apology and work on the "fear" together.

I think that could be the main problem,, getting old is not fun,, well I only just discovered that... and there are people younger than me who already know that..

it is a shock.

Scottiebear Tue 16-Jul-19 10:21:56

I think the heart issue has probably scared him more than he has admitted. And perhaps it has left him feeling a bit depressed. Maybe you need to give him a little leeway and just try and coax him slowly into doing a bit more. The issue of inappropriate comments is a separate issue and perhaps needs to be tackled when he is a bit more like his normal self.

Jayemwhite Tue 16-Jul-19 10:22:41

My husband seemed to have a personality change after he was diagnosed with high blood pressure and diabetes. After a while his blood pressure meds were changed & he reverted to being his usual self. Could it be the effect of the meds?

jaylucy Tue 16-Jul-19 10:25:06

He's had a shock after waltzing through life with no problems then Wham! he is faced with what he thinks is his own mortality and he's frightened.
Like all males, even just suffering a cold , he's over egging and it's frustrating as well as hurtful by the way he is speaking to and treating you. I think that I'd have probably shouted back that no, he was trying to hasten you end!
No doubt he will soon be having a check up with his GP to see how his medication is suiting him - wouldn't hurt to go with him and mention to the doc how he is so he can hopefully explain just what he should be doing!

beautybumble Tue 16-Jul-19 10:28:26

He's had a scare and now he's frightened. If he thinks you possibly don't understand he'll feel alone with this worry. Would he be prepared to change his diet to help bring down his BP? If so, cut out the salt 'entirely' as salt raises BP a lot. So no food containing salt either. Read 'How Not To Die', its amazing. There's a section on BP and it will surprise you. You could help him and yourself to be out of any risk. I've read it several times as its that good. And by the way, blood pressure pills only help a bit, they don't take away the problem. Good luck.

NotSpaghetti Tue 16-Jul-19 10:32:11

Lots of positives to draw on here- though obviously not good or nice to regularly have someone be rude about you.

Be patient with the illness. It obviously is a big thing to him.

Good luck.

EthelJ Tue 16-Jul-19 10:37:25

Is this uncharacteristic behaviour? If so it sounds as though he may be depressed. Perhaps he has suddenly become aware of his mortality and it has scared him and made him anxious. That's no excuse for being bad tempered and horrible but it might help explain it. Do you think he would talk you about how he is feeling? I know that is easier said than done because he sounds a bit like my DH!

Hawelka Tue 16-Jul-19 10:41:09

Dear Ramblingrose22,
I believe he's frightened and doesn't know how to express himself and talk to you about his fears of death and dying.
I would eat my anger and hurt and try and help him.
I've had a similar experience during a period when my DH was wounded and feared he'd never walk again and be free of pain. I've never forgotten the pain he caused with his remark, but I did decide to forgive and let it go.
Ultimately it more life enhancing that staying angry and hurt.