ANGRY WITH DH - HOW TO RESOLVE?

BradfordLass72 - the reaction of the friend's husband doesn't surprise me at all. Nor does the mix up.

Years ago DH got a wrong blood test result when he was in hospital to have his wisdom teeth out. The hospital said he was severely anaemic. When MIL heard about this she rang me straight away and demanded to know what I'd been feeding him on!

I am pleased to report that DH is much brighter and more relaxed now. We are just waiting for an MRI scan to check that some visual problems and giddiness weren't caused by a mini-stroke and another heart scan because he had more chest pains last week.

Banma123 - you are on the right lines. Problems with vision and giddiness can be side effects of some medication DH had switched to but the hospital has agreed to do a brain scan anyway. He has ditched that medication but only 2 weeks ago so it may still be in his system. Thanks for your post.

A friend's husband, newly diagnosed with mild diabetes at 67, took to his bed for 3 days.
His wife told me he was too shocked to speak to her.

On the 4th day, the clinic rang to say it was a wrong diagnosis, his results had become mixed up with another man of the same, fairly common, name.

Some men are really knocked back by what their tougher wives would just accept and work through.

Sorry I’m late to the post, but have had a few early starts and am just catching up.
Just wondering if your husband may be suffering side affects from his medication.
My husband found Atenolol very difficult to tolerate at first
A visit to your GP might be a thought
Hope things are improving

Glad to hear he has apologised. I hope he sticks to your three new rules.
My DH is often quite grumpy and I put it down to not feeling well. I too get accused of hastening his death!
It is not very nice at the time, but I try to shrug it off and put it down to the pain he is in or a worry about his health, or the effect of his medication.
We have just had a short break in a B & B and I kept wondering if it was worth it, as he struggled with a different routine, a less comfortable bed, no easy chair, change of diet, no chance to doze in the afternoon........and more exercise than usual. It is hard to know whether he is making a fuss over nothing, for a couple of days, or whether he was truly miserable all the time. It certainly made me realise just how much we take for granted, at home in our own routines, which help to keep us sane.
I hope things improve as your DH gets used to what has happened.

Huge panic when you have an MI. Or heart attack as we put it. In some ways it can be worse than being told you have cancer. The heart is the be all and end all in a way. It stops pumping and adios. The mind of the patient can be in a constant state of panic about all manner of things. Death, how will you cope, how will the family cope, will death be painful etc etc. It it's a minor thing he'll get better. It's just a bit of time that's needed.

It could be a side effect of the blood pressure tablets. My husband had to try 3 different ones before he felt ok. He was constantly tired and not himself at all. Totally out of character.

Everyone who hasn't had a heart attack think it's nothing until you have one. It can be very upsetting to your mind and can take time to adjust, no matter how minor you think it is. Perhaps he will come to terms with it before you come to terms with his resulting unpleasant state of mind.

I ran a ‘don’t buy sky’ campaign years ago to defeat Rupert Murdoch. No one listened to me! You could always cancel the subscription!
Hope your husband is kinder to you soon.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Can’t help wondering why posters are suggesting that an adult man should be treated in the same way as a small child. He is, after all, old enough to take responsibility for the way he treats others - his life partner in particular. But if he was to be treated like a naughty child, then the question would surely be: how do I teach him that this is not appropriate, because if I don’t, it’s only going to get worse.

Hi Rambling Rose 22. I can see both sides here. I had a massive heart attack x2 eight weeks ago and needed surgery to unblock an artery. I know your husband didn't have an actual heart attack but I do know how he's feeling! This comes as an almighty shock to the system to know you have had a warning and it makes you very scared that it could happen again and this time it could be the end. My advise is to talk honestly about how you are both feeling,because you both have had a shock, you say he has a damaged artery so there is obvious cardiac damage, this makes you very tired for weeks, as the heart needs to recover, iam eight weeks in and exhausted by the afternoon. Please cut him some slack, he's obviously shocked, worried and anxious about the future. Good luck

If he's not usually like it perhaps he's still feeling unwell or even worried.Some medications do change people's personalities. Perhaps you could google any medication he's on and see if this is a side effect. I would say bite your tongue........say nothing, men aren't exactly the best with any illness

Bonne chance Ramblingrose22 and may the force be with you

Thanks to everyone who has contributed, soothed and advised. It is greatly appreciated. And I am sorry to hear of other people's illnesses or those of their partners.

In order to resolve the situation and avoid further angry scenes I have laid down three rules for him to follow in future based on behaviour of his that I am no longer prepared to put up with.

I wrote these rules as items on his shopping list this morning so that he would definitely see them. They are:

1. He is not to accuse me of things I haven't done and often don't even know about.

2. He is not make personal attacks against me. (He is better than that.)

3. He is not to make feeble jokes to others when we are out, including feeble jokes about me that denigrate me in public.

He said nothing after he returned so I had to ask if he had seen the rules and if he agreed to them. He said "Yes, Sorry."

We will see what happens.

Ill-health is one of the things where, in my experience, men and women react very differently.

Men either behave like OP's as if they were at death's door, when there is only something fairly minor the matter, or absolutely refuse to believe there is anything wrong at all.

Women are better at discussing things that worry them, but men don't want to talk (or to listen, when we are ill).

Give him time; if he still persists in behaving like an invalid, have a word with his doctor and discuss the problem with him, before your husband gets an appointment.

I believe all wives have at times had their husband make a really hurtful remark, and to be fair, I know I on one occasion made a remark that wasn't intended to be hurtful, but which wounded my husband very badly.

When this happens, the person who made the remark cannot really do anything except apologise.

Hanging on to the hurt does no good, but give yourself time too to get what was said.

He's making a mountain out of a molehill.

My husband had triple heart surgery last year and was very ill afterwards. He is still not one hundred per cent. He carries on as normal - doing the garden, changing car tyres, etc, etc, and never complains.

I agree, it is good for a person to learn how to do the sort of job that you have mentioned because it can be a nuisance hanging around waiting for someone else to do it. But I don't think it's unreasonable to ask your husband to do it. Using this sort of reasoning, you'll end up doing absolutely everything.

It's a typical man thing.Looking back,my husband had a personality change some years ago,but he just wasn't well and didn't like to talk about it.I wish he was still here,grumpy or not

Your'e not alone in this. This happened to both my sister and cousins when their respective husbands were diagnosed with a life threatening heart condition. Both husbands treated their spouses very badly (they still are at times). Probably angry at the thought that we're all infallible and fearful of dying.

I think men dwell more on ill health than women, and if they’ve had a scare they’re sure it’s going to happen again, but worse next time.

I have no words of comfort for you. It must be horrid.

My DH was seriously ill three years ago and had to have two stents which improved matters but he's not as strong as he was and takes a wide range of medication. He seem to need a lot of sleep now and gets ratty. Since its an inherited condition there is little he can do about it, and he refuses to try to lose weight though I'm sure it would be good for him. The consultant just told him to "live a normal life" - I wish he had asked him to try to lose some weight.
I think his occasional bad temper and frustration is down to not being able to do as much as he used to do, though this would probably not be noticable to an outsider. He also lost his best friend (at 70) within less than a year of his own illness. I suppose he feels that his life will not go on for as long as he'd hoped - he actually makes jokes about it, which is good I believe.
I do find the rattiness irritating, expecially since it is always directed at me. He makes more effort when we are with others and probably appears no different to them.
The other result of the illness and medication seems to be that he walks much more slowly so it takes us ages to get anywhere. He also drives like an old fart man!

I can't help with your marriage difficulties, Ramblingrose22, although I think that perhaps a little bit of stiff upper lip until your DH gets his equanimity back might be the way forward, rebooting the Sky Box is simple. Just unplug it, leave it for a couple of minutes and then plug it back in. When it restarts, it should have cleared any gremlins, start any updates and be back to normal very quickly.

also has he been put on beta blockers? they can make some people very tired and lacking energy both physical and mental...hence the skybox outburst - like a brain fog ...he might need to change the type or lower the dose.

While intellectually your husband may understand that he need not worry about his heart. emotionally it is a different story. He is clearly frightened and may even think the doctor has missed something.
It might help to wait until you are both relatively relaxed and you can ask him how he feels about the whole thing. I suspect that you too are still slightly in shock, feeling a bit vulnerable and angry about the change to your lives. You could tell him this too. Agree to support each other in any way that you can. What you give out, you get back. it is hard to be rude or unkind to someone who is showing you unconditional love. It sometimes takes men a little longer to appreciate this concept and people will sometimes be more badly behaved with people they love because they know that their loved ones may dislike the behaviour but will still love the person. They would never be so rude to a stranger or even a friend.

minor damage to artery? is this the aorta? I ask because I have recently discovered I have dilated aorta near heart and it is life threatening and took me months to get over the shock and the fear that I was going to drop dead at any moment of high stress and was told the aorta could even burst on the loo...dont carry anything over 5kg etc. so he might know some of these things and he might think you are not taking it seriously. Make sure his blood pressure is kept low. Perhaps some of your anger is denial. Ive gone into denial now, it's much the best way but you have to go through the stages and make sure you are doing all you can. Better safe than sorry.

I think that a trip to the GP is in order so that he can get some reassurance. My husband had a heart attack nearly 4 years ago and a specialist nurse reassured him that he was now at no more risk than before. He probably needs to hear those words from a professional as he has had a scare. It would also be worth saying that sitting doing nothing is also a sure fire way to impair your health.