Still angry.

I can relate to this. My story was similar. He married again. She died, having had a very difficult time with him, and he came into a huge sum from life assurance and then married a wealthy widow. They have travelled the world on luxury holidays while I can’t afford a package holiday out of season, but at least I’m not with him. It’s now payback time for him as his heavy smoking has caught up with him and he has lung cancer. They’ve had to cancel a very expensive holiday. Oh well.

When he brags about what he has, I would say, "You mean, what your wife has, and allows you to use."

It seems a lot of GNs have had similar experiences to yours as have I. I know what you mean about having to see him due to family events. I realised only recently after a family event just how detrimental it is for me to be involved in these things as my ex is always either around or at least talked about. It rakes up all the thoughts and memories best left buried. Only you can decide whether it is best for you to go NC. Be proud of how far you have come. Try to focus on other aspects of your life because it is your life. Don't give him any more brain space than he deserves. Do whatever makes you happy ☺

When you say, he brags about everything they have, can I suggest that like Mrs Brown in Mrs Browns boys you say 'How nice' but really Mrs Brown is sayin Feck off!

Beautybumble,I do feel for you. I quite understand how you felt when he said you'd not see the children if you left, it's a common thing to say and while few of them do get custody they manage to make mothers lives he'll , it's continuing a use, a way they can still control you. You were so busy with work and family I can understand you didn't have time to even find out if what he said was true. One thing I've learnt us the things they accuse you of it's likely that they are projecting onto you because that's what they're doing, ex used to keep on saying stupid things like how the children looked like the milkman, an old joke, which wasn't funny the first time the priest person told it, also our daughter has O blood and we both have A, well, her grandfather had O and someone on her father's die must have too it's common for these things to show up eventually. What I didn't know until he started to make plans for leaving is that actually he had had affairs, he admitted them because I think he thought once he left the women would tell me, I think he probably had more too but because the women didn't know me he didn't think it worth telling me. An old colleague who didn't know he'd gone rang up and it sounds like all those late nights at work were not all because he was working hard. He continued to abuse me from afar during the divorce too. When I think of all the things he stopped me doing all those years I am upset at how my life was. It's taken time but eventually I'm in a better place in my head. I did have counselling, that did help but you only get so much on the nhs. I actually sought out the freedom programme and would recommend it to any woman, don't know if there is one running near you, it's free. Women if all ages, all backgrounds, some are still with their abuser, some have left. It helps you to see the tactics abusers use, and with me it helped me see how it had begun, I learnt a lot, some women find it helpful if they enter into a new relationship so they don't end up with another abusive man, I actually kept going back for a couple of years, and have found it helpful with other people too, there are non spouses who try and control you too, and when you're in the thick of it in a marriage it is harder to deal with. Even though I feel I'm coming out the other side, I still try and help support other women in our support group, so my experiences can help other people. I'm not looking for anyone else, now I think what he's missing, am currently away camping and my son is here with his friends and my daughter will be coming for a few days. The woman he is with now will be getting a better deal as he doesn't even have the rights of a lodger so if he misbehaves he risks homelessness, she threw her husband out. He's not bought a house even though he left the marriage with the money to buy one. He could have bought a buy to let but you know he's too home idle to do this, he let out house go to rack and ruin as he would not let me get workmen in 'because'he could do it' but he never did it, and if I started to do something he'd Sabotage it and say he'd never ever touch the job, but still wouldn't let me get someone in. To have the responsibilities of a landlord would not be to his taste, even if it gave him security. I see him as little as possible, there may be family occasions coming up but I'm now at a stage where I can deal with them if they come up. Things can get better and I hope they do for you

Time to write a new script for yourself. Happy to get on with the rest of your life. It is worth bearing in mind that his blissful state may well be a show for your benefit, but it does not matter. Let it go, do some fun, interesting things and concentrate on what you have in your life. Your freedom and self respect for a start. No big thing seeing him at the grandchildren's parties etc. Get other, more important things in your life to concentrate on. Now book that holiday, meet up with friends or lunch with your children. Or whatever floats your boat.

I salute you beautybumble for your bravery in getting rid of the leech who pretended to be a husband!
Please consider counselling to rid yourself of the anger, only then will you be truly free. Remember, the best revenge is to live a happy life. Good luck! ?

Reading you post was very sad and I can understand how you come to your thoughts and feeling about your Ex. You are clearly hurting and you have done really well to recognise that you are in a "Stuck Place". (When I use capital letters it's not shouting I use them for emphasis)

I'd like you to include this simple statement in your thinking and feeling because I do think it will help you make a start with some Self soothing and Self care.

" My Mind will repeat what My Heart has yet to Delete".

This has helped me and others as it has so often been the case that the thoughts we find hardest to get out of our heads are the thoughts that bring us back to the most hurtful times/people from our pasts.

Therefore, if you can find a simple way to "Name" what is happening to you (my mind will repeat what my heart has yet to delete) gives you a chance of shutting down the "WHY" questions.

"Why" questions when related to 'Feelings" just take us Round and Round and eventually Down and Down.

So I'm guessing your Self Beat Up is something like "Why" did I stay? "Why" Did I fall for his sh*t blackmail about the kids? May be he would have stopped you seeing your youngest 2. May be you really believed that he do something awful such as kill you or them. (It happens so I don't ever take that fear lightly)

IF. If you believed anything like the above then you need to realise

1) You kept your family together and 2) you kept you and them SAFE.

At the very least PLEASE give yourself some real credit for achieving that under very difficult conditions.

Also look back at the person who put up with his crap and tried to deliver everything the Prince wanted and realise that person was "Younger" and a lot less "Experienced" in life than than the you who is NOW.

Also (I'm just guessing here) she probably believe 1) she could have a life without Him 2) that she probably was brought up thinking that it is a woman's job to take care of a man's every need 3) if she lost him she would never find another man.

So is it any wonder that you put yourself through the life you had and are living with the after effects.

You can help your Heart to ease some of the hurt you are feeling, it will take work and you will have to be willing to Let Go of That Pain. You think you want to "Let Go of the Pain" but you will be letting go of some much it won't be an easy or fast process.

You will have to Let Go of a Wounded Woman. You are the Survivor of that Wounded Woman or do you still see yourself as That Wounded Woman???

You will have to Let Go of Being The HERO (the RESCUER) being the person who Did all These Hard Things, the person Who Endured All the Sh1t Things, the person Who Won Out in the End. The HERO (the RESCUER) of the situation.

Yes your were Heroic to keep (RESCUING).

Your Rescued You and your Rescued your Children

But most of all you Worked Hard at Rescuing HIS DREAMS.

AND YES your Ex DEMANDED you be The Hero (RESCUER) of the Family.

Then after ALL your SACRIFICE he's landed in CLOVER. It's a real Pisser. He's Living his Dream Life with some other POOR woman and what about you????

You are Alone and LONLEY. That is very Sad, I do feel for you but if you want to change how your life is and how you are feeling it really is long, hart work.

Do you want to find a better way to live the rest of your life ?

Or do you want GNers to say "POOR YOU" ???

IF. IF, you want to change then you also have to Let GO of "Being a Victim".

You were a victim.

But were you the Victim of a real Belief that your EX would kill you and or your children?

Or were you a Victim of your own fears? I was a Victim of my own fears too so nothing I say is about BLAME or to be Shaming.

You need to be able to be honest about what was real and what was fear.

"What Were" your FEARS"???

"What Are your FEARS" ?

F False

E Expectations

A Appearing

R Real

Taken from Richard Erskin PhD 2002 (unpublished workshop)

Re your fear of Not finding another man - your being successful at that so far. You can CHANGE this. Are your fears around finding another man related to you don't want another bullying parasite? If so they are fears that are keeping you safe.

However, you if you do the work you can open up to a new relationship with Trust in Yourself that you won't ever let anyone put you through that crap again. It takes work but you Have The Right to Be Happy. (google Bill of Human Rights)

Changing your view of yourself From Victim TO SURVIVOR will really help you. You can start to Heal the Hurt you feel. You can Heal The Shame your feel for allowing yourself to be USED.

So what I hear in your post is something like your Ex has Fully Realise His Life's Dream. He's found a woman to be his slave, his bank and is "Shit Bucket".

He's living on EASY STREET and you're lonely ...

Because you gave it all to him, your Dreams, Your Care, Your Hard Work, Your Time on Earth that we will never get back, your Pride, Your Shame, Time for you during Your Children's Childhood, your Money and more.

All to him, all in the past and not he's not even Grateful to you. All he wants to do is BRAGG to you. To show you what a failure you were.

And you are STILL LETTING HIM.

This is your choice.

It's YOUR CHOICE how you FEEL. They are your FEELINGS.

Get your THINKING in order and you stand a good chance of getting your FEELINGS in order.

Your post seemed to tell your life story as one of being A Victim and of Being A Survivor.

That's a fantastic start, if you can see yourself as A Survivor you can make your life so much better.

You can Move From Survivor TO THRIVER. In some ways you can already see where in your life you are Thriving and that is truly Outstanding.

As for your Ex, he's found a Rescuer to look after him. She on the other hand has found some one who finds her USEFUL not Valuable.

H's doing a good job of making you think that she is more Successful at being the BANK OF MRS ... than you were. She is BETTER THAN YOU. AND ... IF - IF YOU had been better than your were - you are ... then YOU WOULDN'T Be on YOUR OWN NOW.

Really ??? Just **ing Really ???

YOU ARE FREE. YOU HAVE CHOICES.

She has a PARASITE. A Blood Sucking, Money Sucking, Status Sucking Parasite.

Sadly, and I do really mean it is with sadness, that I see how ALL your Hard Work, All your Sacrifice helped him on his way to his New Rescuer/Provider.

You do seems to see the Value of the Family you have and the home you have built AND So You Should.

You really have done an amazing job

As you have gone through all this crap you can keep going TO a better life. AS Winston Churchill said 'If you are going Through a Tough Time KEEP GOING".

If you do the work of finding you fears, finding your achievements, finding the Trust in yourself to keep you safe you can make your life happier. I really hope you find someone to return the love you so freely gave and continue to give to your family. If you start Believing you are WORTH LOVING FOR WHO YOU ARE NOT WHAT YOU PROVIDE than you never know what fate will bring you.

I really, really wish you well. If you start to Make YOURSELF IMPORTANT and start to CARE for YOURSELF the way you Care for Others some of your loneliness will ease.

So often we are guilty of Abandonment OF the Self - BY The Self.

That's what we do without knowing it when we SACRIFICE the TIME we have in This LIFE to get others what they want when they are able to get it themselves. When we become a Slave to them.

We Abandon ourselves when we make another More Important than ourselves when all they do is make Themselves MORE Important than Anyone in their lives.

Get back to Nurturing yourself, to Loving yourself, to be Sad for the person who Gave so Much and got nothing, be Proud of the person who Survived that sh1t, Love her and find a good loving, happy future for her.

If you can get Therapy.

If you can't afford or don't feel ready for Therapy (go to a Psychotherapist not a Counsellor - you need the more in-depth work of a Therapist) then start with Google. Google "Life Scripts" 'Drama Triangle" and "Games People Play" it's from Transactional Analysis or TA.

I hope this helps, wishing you all the very best for a happier, more loving future.

Be proud of yourself. Get a piece of paper and write your acheivments down e.g providing for your family, collecting them from school, cooking, cleaning. Then put his down and see where the power lies. On your side of the piece of paper. It is a simple thing but very empowering. I hope this helps.

You say 'he brags about what they've got'. Do you still see him? If so you need to completely get him out of your life. Difficult when you have kids (Christenings, weddings etc) but is there any need for you to talk to him. Good advice about counselling - it might help.

I have to say you are looking at this from the wrong angle. Instead of being angry that you have worked hard and he is sitting pretty, look at it like this that you have earned everything you have because you are a strong and formidable woman who has succeeded despite a terrible person trying to drag you down....he on the other hand has no achievement to his name other than marrying two women who have carried him. One (you) was lucky enough to escape the other has yet to wake up and smell the coffee. You don't have to question whether you are a good parent because there can be no doubt. Sit down and focus on how amazing you have been and be a little smug with yourself that you did it on your own because you didn't need carrying. Inside he knows he is ineffectual.

Beauty....I've been through the same thing with a philanderer...fast forward about 25 years , I have reached a good place. He has remarried and they attend grandchildren 's bday parties. I am on my own, but now it doesn't hurt to see them together.
Today is one such day- my grandson's 4th bday party. They may attend, but I have noticed, recently they have chosen to go in the morning to hand over the presents etc. Their choice.
Btw, my ex was also one of those who wanted the best of everything. He was a high earning professional, but he failed to realise, we had 3 children, to educate.
Things will get better Beauty, I promise.

Beautybumble, you say that he was cruel to your first daughter. Did you already have children or was she his child? Then you mention another two babies - his also? If so, why on Earth would you have more children in such circumstances? I really don't understand.

Your children are grown-up now, aren't they?

So the first thing to do is to tell them that you would prefer to visit them when their father is not visiting. Probably they realise, however much you tried to hide it when they were children, what your marriage to their father was actually like.

I honestly do not know why you feel you need to see that man.

Being angry and bitter will hurt you far more than anyone else, so find someone to help you get rid of these feelings.
They were justified, but hanging on to them does no good.

Try to find congenial people to share hobbies or other interests with, so you can do things you want to.

Wow, Jani31, Karma got him - big time!

Keep in mind he only has this new life on her terms as she is the one with the money, as soon as she sees through him and gets fed up of his nasty lazy ways he will be penniless again.
I know I wouldn’t want to live my life depending on someone else for everything including my happiness, you are better off on you own than and financially independent at least you can hold your head up proud that you have worked for everything you have which is more than he can do, he’s sounds like a parasite.
I know what you mean about having to see him in things like family events such as christenings and weddings etc but just keep thinking of him as a parasite and hold your head high. Good Luck

Karma worked wonders with my separated husband. Every year he would spend months working in America leaving me with 2 DDs for 3 months at a time. The last straw was when he had to decide if it was me or one of his female drivers. He left on our 17th wedding anniversary, coming back 3 days later as she did not want him. We separated, had our own lives, shared the girls as they grew, never divorced and never changed our wills. He became ill, dying at the age of 55. I had his house, his money and his pension ?

I can totally understand your troubled past, because I was in a similar situation. Also my ex is quite rich, and also remarried.
That's where the similarities in mine and your lives ends, because I am single and happy to be...he however does not have a goid 2nd marriage (probably his fault) nor does his money make him happy.
You be proud of yourself, and show it to the world. You don't need a man to make you happy. Join some groups and get out and have some fun.
Sending you some positive vibes xx

Well done Beautybumble.... you were much braver than me! I left it too late for common sense to let me walk away.... now I’m stuck fast,! Enjoy your freedom... for all those that , for myriad reasons, can’t!

I wonder if your anger is towards him, or towards yourself for allowing him to control you for so many years? You need to seriously unhook from this man. I would add my voice to those advising you to seek counselling. You need professional help (as many of us do) to deal with this long term issue. Once you do, you will be amazed how light and free you feel!

Oh Beautybumble I’m so sorry to read this. But me being sorry isn’t going to help you move on. As others have advised please try to get some counselling to help you get over this. You can do it, you’ve done brilliantly so far. My DD’s ex seems to “have it all” and it’s so hard for her to see so I don understand a little bit how you feel. I just want to give you a hug and say “well done” for what you’ve achieved already and to encourage you to be able to find a way to put the past behind you.

Hello amazing woman! You worked like a Trojan (which understandably) you look back and resent because doing so prevented you from spending the time you wanted to with your babies.

Sadly, what’s done can’t be undone.

Hard to do - but accept your losses, acknowledge that was then and this is now and move on so it doesn’t blight your future.

Many of us at our age have sadnesses and regrets. I do hope you can draw a line in the sand and embrace your new life. With all best wishes. x

Once again, a huge thank you for your kind and encouraging messages. This is helping me no end and giving me a 'nudge' to get past this and move on to much happier times. To Readymeals message, I do get what you're saying, but if you had been there you would understand how I was stuck. I look after myself well now, with diet and exercise, so I hope to avoid anything like illness spoil what I have now. Take care and thank you again.

He messed up your past. You are letting that mess with your present. 'The sweetest revenge is a happy life'. 'He' is over. What you have is your life. Live it. [I know this is a bit 'direct', but you have learnt by now, some parts of life are just hard - you have done amazingly - don't go looking for problems now].

You are amazing do not let this man ruin anymore of you're life , trust me what's goes round comes round he will get his cumuppence not from you but in lots of other ways ,