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Still angry.

(76 Posts)
beautybumble Fri 26-Jul-19 12:19:41

Hi all. I've been keeping things in for several years, but its just festered and I'm still wound up, which isn't good for me. I was married for 20 years to a very selfish, bad tempered and lazy man. He was cruel to my first daughter, which still affects her to this day, but when I tried to leave him he threatened that I would never see the other two babies again. So I had to stay until they were grown up. He always wanted the best, so a new detached house, different cars, clothes and smoked 30 a day. But he was so lazy he would put his suit on each morning but hardly ever actually went to work, so we couldn't afford such luxuries. The more he spent, the more I had to work to try to keep afloat. I hated having to work so hard and such long hours when I had my beautiful little ones to bring up. I worked when they were at school and would run to pick them up after school with burning feet because I'd been on them all day. Then after getting their tea, reading to them at bedtime, I'd go to my next job. Sometimes working all night. Finally I managed to leave him after a nervous breakdown and he accused me of having an affair. I did not. I carried on working hard so that I could pay off my mortgage and now have no debts and no man to worry about. In the meantime my ex found another woman to look after him and she is very wealthy. She's nice actually, but it hurts to think that after so many years of such cruelty, he's sitting pretty and brags about what 'they've' got. I'm so very lonely because I was never lucky enough to find a good man. I feel bitter and wish I could forget him, but I have to see him because of my children and grandchildren. Thank you for reading.

sodapop Fri 26-Jul-19 12:43:33

That's very hard beautybumble I think you really need to talk this through with someone so you can let go of your anger and get on with your life. You did so well bringing up your children and keeping your finances in order that is a great achievement.
You can have an enjoyable life without a partner as many people on Gransnet will tell you. Look at joining clubs, leisure activities, helping others. That way you will meet new people and make friends. Don't waste the rest of your life stressing about your ex husband.

sarahcyn Fri 26-Jul-19 12:45:09

It's amazing that you have finally got rid of this man. You are free. You are a goddess.
But -why do you have to continue to see him because of the children and grandchildren?
After all you've done, all the financial independence you've won, why can't you make your own rules for a change?
It is a mystery to me that you thought breaking up earlier would mean you would never see the children - as you were by your account the main breadwinner, I don't see why this would be the case unless he was threatening to take them abroad illegally.
So: he was blackmailing you, threatening to break the law to intimidate you. Nice.
You say "he accused me of having an affair" because you were working two shifts - so what? I can't believe after all these years you still give a flying f* what he thinks, but clearly this accusation got under your skin.
Coercive control is written all over this relationship. You are totally aware of how much he's spoiled your life. He's now spoiling some other woman's life - good! let her have him. But be very careful that when this relationship breaks up, he may come crawling back to you. I'm imagining this as a possibility only because you still seem to have him under your skin and, strangely, you are still listening to what he's saying and letting it bother you.
Again - I'm really puzzled - WHY on earth do you have to see him because of your children and grandchildren?

stella1949 Fri 26-Jul-19 12:45:44

I'm sorry you had to live through that - I had a similar first marriage and you have my sympathies as I know what it's like.

I'm not sure why you have to still see him, since you are divorced now. The fact that you have children / grandchildren shouldn't mean that you have to see or talk to him. In your shoes I'd simply choose not to see or socialise with him at all. If your children ask you to go to events where he is going to be, simply mention that you'd rather not be around him. I'm sure that they'd understand . It's not as if they are small and you have to see him because of custody requirements. Do the best for yourself and don't worry about what anybody thinks.

I haven't seen my ex for years - it's much better for my mental health. I'm sure you'll feel better if you don't have his "new life" rubbed in your face. Good luck !

Lessismore Fri 26-Jul-19 12:50:55

Please seek proper professional help. Your post is full of emotion....nothing "wrong" with that but you need to process some of this with a counsellor.

annsixty Fri 26-Jul-19 12:56:18

Anger is a very negative and destroying emotion.
Hard as it for you, put it behind you and get on with your life.
Just because all looks wonderful in his life doesn’t necessarily mean that it is, he only lets you see what he wants you to believe.
If he carries on his old life ,she will see through him.
Above all, don’t see him, let family see him without you and tell them you do not want to be told anything about him.
Good luck and be happy

fizzers Fri 26-Jul-19 13:01:51

you need to let this go as much as you can, you had a hard life with a slob of a bullying man, but now you are totally free to live your life how you want , no debts, absolute freedom , yes I can fully understand the resentment that you feel, that you had to do all the hard work while he sat back and did nothing (quite reminiscent of my marriage to a lazy bully) if it eats you up so much, please think about some counselling, but also think about joining clubs , broadening your interests , fill your life full of good things

glammanana Fri 26-Jul-19 14:09:14

You should be so proud of yourself the way you have come through this,bringing up your children and keeping finances in order.You are a very strong lady indeed.
I would make sure I never attended any social events with him present and visit my children/grandchildren on my own terms,your children will surely understand your reasons for this and support you.
Get out and meet new friends and look forward to the rest of your life without listening to this bully ever again.

Grammaretto Fri 26-Jul-19 14:21:25

Still angry? Please dont be. You are far far better off without him. He certainly wouldnt be the answer to your loneliness. Remember that.
Lots of people are lonely.
You can do something about it. As others have said. Join some groups you like. Try meet up:
www.meetup.com

That other woman is welcome to this man.

BlueBelle Fri 26-Jul-19 14:22:20

Totally agree with lessismore please please seek proper professional help This is bigger than ‘just stop worrying’ it’s going to continue eating you until you can have some closure
Please stop seeing this man and his partner it will eat away at you
My ex tried very hard to come back into my life after his third divorce I refused point blank I only found out recently that he was bullying everyone to bring him to see me but luckily no one caved in they all knew I d had to work so hard to get him out my life
You will never be able to move on while you are still seeing him it will eat away at you

Smileless2012 Fri 26-Jul-19 14:41:46

beautybummble "He brags about what they've got"hmmwell let's look at what they've got.

She's got a selfish, bad tempered and lazy man who no doubt is spending all of her money. He is the selfish, bad tempered and lazy man being I would think, financially supported by his wife whose life with him apart from not having the financial worries, is probably very similar to the one you had.

He may appear to be 'sitting pretty' but for how long? Despite your reduced financial circumstances and your children, as soon as you felt able too, you left. How long will it be before she leaves him too?

Now let's look at what you've got. Your children and GC; your self respect, self esteem and integrity: your financial independence and your freedom from this horrible man.

From where I'm sitting it's you who has it allflowers.

beautybumble Fri 26-Jul-19 15:22:41

Thank you all so much for this wonderful support, some of them made me blub. I see him when my grandchildren have birthday parties, because I don't want them to miss out on seeing their grandparents. But I might say to my children that this one coming up will be the last. You're right about talking therapy, I should do that and sort this once and for all. Thank you so much.

BlueBelle Fri 26-Jul-19 16:50:56

Could you see or invite your grandkids to do something with just you at their next birthday Take them out or give them a little tea party They won’t mind having two parties will they ?
I thought my husband had a great new life after us with two new daughters ( now grown up) and us forgotten but during his illness and after his death my eldest and his second families eldest messaged each other and we then found out it was far from a bed of roses and although it lasted longer than my marriage to him I think it was not much different after the ‘honeymoon’ period and in fact I think his two children by the new wife had a worse time listening to them fight than mine had with no father figure around
Go for the counselling and Move on with a big happy capitol M

wildswan16 Sat 27-Jul-19 09:10:48

Try to change your anger into pride - for yourself. This man spoiled what should have been a wonderful time in your life, but eventually you managed to leave him behind. You can be proud of that, proud of having sorted your life out which was an amazing thing to do for you and your children.

If you have to see him now, just feel glad you no longer have to put up with him - he is somebody else's problem now. You can hold your head up as the better person and a happier person.

Nanny123 Sat 27-Jul-19 09:11:19

My past is so very similar. When he finally left to the relief of myself and two children I had to work 7 days a week for over 10 days to keep our heads above water, life was tough but it was our happiest times. We were finally free of this awful man. Enjoy the freedom of this life you once had, dont think what they have because money isnt everything, and just think - you could still be married to him!!

chris8888 Sat 27-Jul-19 09:20:18

Sounds like your still allowing him to abuse you just in a different way. Your free of him so why do you care what material things he has.

Amagran Sat 27-Jul-19 09:27:20

beautybumble, I take my hat off to you for keeping your family together and afloat, both emotionally and financially, for so long. That is a huge achievement, something to be really proud of.

I can well understand your anger, but as others here have said, it will never repair what has been done. Only moving on with your life can do that. Remember, you have so much that no amount of money or a seemingly favourable marriage can ever give your ex-husband: dignity, self-respect, a sense of real achievement, strength in the face of adversity. You are a stronger, better person than your ex could ever hope to be. You can hold your head up high and turn that wholly understandable anger into a warm glow of personal satisfaction. Go for it, beautybumble, you are worth so much more than your ex and the negative feelings he has forced you into.

Elijah Sat 27-Jul-19 09:35:01

I know how hard it is to 'forget' someone when you have to see them constantly but for your own health you are going to have to find a way! You have had a tough time during your marriage and survived it which shows how resilient you are. Now is the time to start enjoying your freedom you have paid your debts so why not reduce your working hours and spend a bit more time enjoying your children and your grandchildren. I don't know if the children talk about their childhood but they will have noticed what went on between you and won't be fooled by his bragging. They've seen the sacrifices you made for them. Please take care of yourself and just try to enjoy what you have❤️

NanaAnnie Sat 27-Jul-19 09:36:26

I'd say good riddance to bad rubbish. His new wife's done you a great favour - he's her problem now, however financially well off she is - let her get on with it and keep looking forward, it's very free-ing and liberating to have no albatross around your neck holding you back. You've done brilliantly up til now so keep going!

BazingaGranny Sat 27-Jul-19 09:41:13

Wonderful that you have got rid of him, and marvellous that you have your children, grandchildren and financial freedom.

Life for your ex-husband may not be such a bed of roses, despite his wealthy wife. He won’t have changed and she may well get fed up with him, or she may have set down rules for his behaviour that he hasn’t mentioned to you!

Counselling or similar might be a helpful for you, plus getting out with others. Some have suggested Meet-up, and there’s also the U3A and other organisations.

Well done on all that you have done do far, you’re incredible 🌺✅

Coconut Sat 27-Jul-19 09:46:01

My AC’s father was exceptionally mean spirited plus mean with money, even his own mother called him Shylock. I scrimped and scraped when with him, even stealing his cash when he was drunk, to hide away for when I needed it. It made me so angry that he didn’t care how much he spent on alcohol but resented spending on everything else. We divorced after 12 years and he paid me as little child maintenance as he could, while he bought a boat etc When he met his 2nd wife, his opening line to me was “ my new girlfriends parents have a house in the country worth a million” ..... obsessed with money. Whereas we had few holidays, this new wife was a travel agent and they flew all over the place. I so resented him for the hardship my kids endured. He now has inoperable cancer and now he is facing his own immortality, he is now clinging to my AC that he has neglected all their lives. This has stirred up so many mixed emotions with me, however .... I am now just left with pity for him, for all the years he has missed out on with my kids and grandkids. My AC are amazingly grounded, DD says we will support him in this awful time but nothing takes away the years of his neglect.

ReadyMeals Sat 27-Jul-19 09:46:40

"but when I tried to leave him he threatened that I would never see the other two babies again. So I had to stay until they were grown up. "

Honestly were you fooled by this? No court was ever going to allow that! I wish you had taken legal advice all that time ago and saved all of you some misery.

Hm999 Sat 27-Jul-19 09:55:22

Well done Beautybumble, you should be so proud of what you've achieved.

25Avalon Sat 27-Jul-19 10:05:39

Don't feel angry or jealous - these are all negative feelings and you have achieved so much positively in carving out a new independent life. No one knows what goes on behind close doors and you only have his word for it. I feel sorry for his latest woman especially as you have described her as a nice lady. How long before she works out what he's really like?

Applegran Sat 27-Jul-19 10:10:52

Anger is a normal human emotion and you have had much to suffer and work through. It has been so hard and you have been courageous - and now you can free yourself from this burden of anger. I don't mean to suggest that you pretend anything - what happened did happen. But you are carrying anger around with you, which us a burden you don't need, and in no way affects your ex husband. You can be freer to live your own rewarding life - it will always have its pain, joy, sadness, and all the other emotions, as we all have, but you can be lighter as you move ahead. I agree with others on this thread - it would be good to find a good counsellor or psychotherapist- you deserve and will benefit from support to move ahead. I hope you will find the courage to do this for your own sake - you have done so much for your children, and now you can do this for yourself.