Still angry.

Beautybumble, I wish you all the best. I was married to a serial philanderer, but for financial reasons, and foolishly I thought, for the sake of the children, I stuck with him. Big mistake!
I think my 2 older children are emotionally damaged by hearing our constant rows. The youngest was too young, well, not that young, 15. He was more concerned about where his next guitar would come from ?
Anyway, he left me, married the woman he was having an affair with, and I have to see them at family parties etc. I am single, so in the beginning it used to upset me, but not any more. I go with my head held high.
All the best

Enjoy your life. Be proud of yourself for coming through all this and leave the rest of it to Karma x

I have nothing but admiration for you "beautybumble". At least you left him. For me it was clinging on waiting for things to get better and believing my selfish exH really loved us all deep down, through all the emotional and financial abuse of 25 plus married years.

I'm truth he was spending his time with another woman, as he pretended to be working away. When he eventually walked out after a row blaming me, he had even been pretending he had a job for weeks.

It's amazing how so called intelligent women can be hoodwinked, but that was certainly the case with me. Blinded by one sided love and devotion?

That was 15 years ago now, and although our children were adults ( two at university back then) contact remains through weddings, birthdays, christening etc. I vowed I would never miss a family event because of him and his wife of 8 years ( affair lady). It's uncomfortable but I wear my best smile and let him see the powerful woman I have become.

My exH left me with a financial mess. He had re mortgaged our home twice in the year before he left and pocketed a great deal of money. He had cashed in the endowment policy we had and had also taken out loans and run up credit card card debts. He and his mistress must have been enjoying the high life.

In the end I divorced him and kept the house by paying him off. Guilt in the short term prevented him getting legal advice.

I am standing proud now. My new husband of 5 years could not be more different. We are both retired, mortgage free and happily enjoying life with my DC and GC.

As September comes.closer I will again have to see ex at my DIL 40th birthday party. I shall rise like the Phoenix once again.

My icing on the cake today was hearing from DD how her dad is unable to contribute towards GD dancing fees this year, until Nov, as they will be re mortgaging his wife's/ his? house again to free up some extra cash. (His contribution was only to expected to be less than 100!!!!? Not a fortune.) He probably spends more than that in public houses each week, but we all have our own priorities I guess.

Leopards never change their spots, do they?

You're a Pheonix too "Beautybumble". I wish you all the happiness and peace your ex probably doesn't have.

You have done fantastically well, you should be sooo proud of what you have achieved, I don’t understand what you think he’s got material things but they are nothing,, and he’s got them through this woman, I’m on the outside looking in and think it’s you that’s got everything, hold you head high, don’t understand y you have to see this parasite I certainly wouldn’t the day I left I wouldn’t be giving him a second thought love

I certainly do think you need to make an appointment to speak to a very understanding counsellor to help you work through this pent up anger you have going on. I do totally agree that your ex husband treated you appallingly and he probably still thinks his rules apply in the new relationship. He’ll never change but you can move on and find some closure- you are probably desperately seeking. Good luck to you, I wish you well.

Beautybumble - My heart goes out to you! You have suffered so much, but as others have said, you have been very brave and strong. Also, I agree that it's time to stop attending events w/ your X if it makes you so unhappy, you can see your AC and GC separately, surely. However, I also agree that X' new marriage is probably not as happy as he makes it sound. The fact that he "hast to" brag suggests he's covering up the unpleasant parts. Besides, it shouldn't matter - you are free now, as others have said. Please do get some counseling to help you sort out your feelings. And, of course, keep reaching out to us.

Greengranny - LOL!

Ooeyisit - Great story!

Jani - You have been very lucky! Wonderful! But not everyone is.

grannytotwins
I think it's incredibly sad that you are inwardly joyful about your ex having cancer.
Cancer is not payback for misdeeds in the past. Cancer is not a disease only 'visited' on bad people.
Cancer is not confined to smokers.

I hope you change your thinking on that subject.

I also have had to stay on some sort of civil level with my exhusband because of my children and grand children. There has been the wedding of my son and his 40th birthday (next year his 50th) and christenings of my grandchildren. I don't like seeing my exhusband (and his 3rd wife) but I don't want to miss out on these milestones.

Firstly you deserve a big hug because ,do you know what? You have done a great job, you kept going when many would have given up and you have the knowledge that you provided for your children when their father did sod all! Feel proud of your achievements. Now to the present. Don't see him if he upsets you, tell your children that you have made the decision and stick to it. If you want to make friends then look at events , interests that you would like to pursue . Make some time to go to anything that would interest you.
Finally I think you would definitely benefit from some counselling just so that you can get some perspective about the abuse you suffered from ; it was abuse you know. Once you have done that I think that you will be able to live a happier life . You deserve it!

I don't think that you have to see him because of your AC and GC.

Surely they must be aware of the hard time he gave you and the cruelty your oldest daughter suffered and still suffers, so it can't be impossible to arrange visits and celebrations without having to meet him.

If you still say it's impossible not to have those f2f occasions then you have 2 choices and I'm sure you know what they are.

Your ex's happiness with a new partner has to be accepted but he is not responsible for you not finding love again. Perhaps you need to let go of the bitterness which has accumulated over the years and work towards finding new friends and outside interests which introduce you to a different social circle.

I wonder why you thought that your ex, during your marriage, would be able to prevent you from taking/having/seeing your children if you left, as you are clear about him pretending to go to work and clear about the cruelty meted out to your daughter.

That seems unlikely given your account.

I hope you strike out on your own and create a better future, rather than inwardly stewing over the past.

Best wishes and do let us know how you get on

I am stunned and shocked at what you have had to put up with, and all i can say from the bottom of my heart is - I am so sorry for your pain and what you have had to endure. It is so deep seated and has gone on for so long that the only thing i can think of to assist you in recovery is to request therapy through your GP. I don't think councillors are knowledgeable enough but a psychiatrist who qualified first as a doctor and then went on to specialise. Please don't deprive yourself of getting help and if it were me, i would not tell anyone. News travels fast, and the last thing you need is for your ex to know about it. I wish you well xxx

beautybumble Isn't it sad how many of us (me included) have gone through similar. I won't go into detail but your experience echoes mine. We have been told we are strong, resilient and powerful and when we start believing, it is really true. Our children are a credit to us. We have friends and relatives who care for us. We have survived the past and put it well behind us. Our future is in our hands and whatever happens we know we can deal with it and be proud. I wish you continuing strength to get through to the next stage of your life.

Beautybumble, when my first husband left me for a 'younger model' I found myself in the position of having to work full time to pay the mortgage and bills alone.

I had no financial assistance from him at all, and when he condescended to have the children from school until I returned home, he and his girlfriend gave me a bill for looking after them.

Worse than that, he then went after part of my salary via the CSA at the time. He won the case and my finances were severeley depleted. Times were hard.

Throughout some of the toughest times in my life, I remained a strong woman and never gave up.

I empathise with you; eventually these feelings you talk about will pass. Focus on your own life now, how much you have achieved and your future life.

Such good, supportive advice here.

Yes, you are angry for the way your past was, but it has PASSED! And you are clinging on to an old resentment which is hurting you. STOP IT! (And yes, my capital letters are 'shouting'!

You've done wonderfully well, so far. You know how strong you are, so get on and do 'wonderfully well' now.

One fantastic way to rid yourself of old hatred towards a person who has harmed you, is to pray for them. Even if you don't believe in God or prayer, pray that he will become a better person and have a happy life. I'm aware that this sounds a bit daft - but it works! You need to forgive him, and move on. (Because all you are doing at the moment is hurting yourself!)

(He isn't happy now! Happy people don't have to boast of what they've got, and look for admiration or jealousy from those around them.)

I agree with others - don't see him unless you absolutely have to, and do get out and join clubs or groups of people with the same interests as you. In other words - Get a Life!

This is a line from a poem I wrote - and I think it could apply to you: 'The ending of love isn't hate, it's indifference.'

Good luck and hugs! (And sorry for the shouting ... )

beautybumble - I admire the way you managed to raise children, hold down jobs and manage finances even with the constant and menacing presence of a complete arsehole in your life. I really hope you can learn to enjoy life, to cherish what you do have, to avoid any social situations where you are likely to see this bastard and embrace a future over which you have control. No need to be lonely forever - when you feel ready see if there is a hobby, interest group, social group, anything that appeals to you where you can meet like-minded, nice people. You are a strong woman so don't allow your ex to continue to get at you, make you angry etc - leave him in the past where he belongs - you are so much more than 'his ex'. I wish you well and hope the future is a million times better than the past - good luck, get any help you think you would benefit from, explain to kids/relatives if you can and make life good for yourself - you do deserve it. Oh, and Gransnet is a great place to talk when you want or need to - many of us will be able to relate in one way or another, and we are generally quite a supportive lot

annsixty is quite right.

Just because all looks wonderful in his life doesn’t necessarily mean that it is, he only lets you see what he wants you to believe

I am close to a situation very like this beauty and when it first began he was gloating and boasting and it was very upsetting for us all.

But one wise person said, 'A leopard doesn't change its spots, she'll get wise to him.'
And she did and threw him out.

Of course he moved on to the next woman and that was fine for the first 6 months but that too is crumbling.

PLEASE don't ever contemplate even letting him into your home and never back into your life, whatever sad story or flattery he brings with him.

Ooeyisit. just read your post
There was an elderly lady lived near to us when I was young . Flo was very fond of telling anyone who would listen her story and she would say . “My husband was one of those who ran off .I never ran after him in case I caught him”.

Soo funny and made me laugh.

Be very proud of yourself. You are a strong woman and I'm sure your grown up children realise that and admire you for your courage and hard work over those unbearable years.
I can relate to posts on this thread but instead I was married to a man I was so happy with and loved so much. I was with him since the age of 16, married in 1975 and he left for someone else in January 1987. We had three children.
He turned into someone I never would thought possible. A very long story but his uncaring behaviour and attitude and the stress and hurt he has caused constantly since then to me and our children has been unbelievable! It's been going on for the last 32 years.
I finally had a good talking to myself after this last Christmas and decided to cut him out of my life and I haven't seen him or spoken to him on the phone ever since. Our two sons don't bother with him anyway and our daughter only if she has to, birthday, Christmas as she's had enough of him using her if he wants something or taking somewhere. She has been deeply affected. He didn't want to know them when they were growing up. He tried as hard as he could to avoid paying child maintenance.
He has been on his own for a few years now and lives about five miles away since giving up managing pubs.
The young woman he left me for left him. He married someone else and she left him for another man and since lived alone.
It's a story I've heard before, they don't want to know their children while they're young and having a good time. Then they get older( he's 66 now) loose their good looks, all alone, miserable, heath issues and think they can get back into their lives as though nothings happened.
They haven't forgotten and wonders why they don't want to know.
I've told them that I've cut him out but they must do what they want to do but I don't want to hear about him anymore. As someone else said, this is for my own sanity.
You don't have to attend family do's or birthday parties beauty, you can see grandchildren before ex arrives or a tea party at your house the day before or the day after. It is easier if you don't see the ex to be honest. Mind you, I went to mutual friends funeral at the end of last year, ex helped out at the wake. I said hello to him when my daughter and I went into the hall, he ignored me so we sat down with friends and he kept walking past us. I hadn't taken any notice of how many times he walked past but daughter had. I didn't look at him, just carried on talking and I didn't say goodbye when we left.
I was really chuffed with myself for ignoring him.I never thought I could.
Stick your chest out beauty, take a big breath and take control.

There was an elderly lady lived near to us when I was young . Flo was very fond of telling anyone who would listen her story and she would say . “My husband was one of those who ran off .I never ran after him in case I caught him”. . Forget him .He is not worthy of your thoughts .He doesn’t deserve any memory space .You are allowing him residence in a broken heart. Get shut of him lock stock and barrel .He May have the world but his conscience must give him hell . On the other hand it may not which is why you should wipe him from your head ,your mind and your heart and then you may meet someone worthy of you

You are lucky to be free of him, be so happy because of that - and make sure at the next family gathering he sees that happiness

Everyone's messages have already made me stronger. Isn't it funny how support from others can give us more strength, and all I did was open up. I'm also sorry to hear of so many who have also been put through the mill by controlling men. Not one of these men have an ounce of courage. Things are going to change for me now, thanks to your kind and wise words. I'm nearly 70 but I will find happiness for sure. Thank you.

The most difficult move forward in any one's life is accepting that you cannot change the other person or the past but only yourself and the future (I tell myself this very frequently). Good men are hard to find but good friends a little easier. Is there any way you can widen your circle of friends? It's not the easiest time in life to do that and friends often come out of nowhere but if you could look at your life and know you had what you needed, it might be a little bit easier to ignore the buttons he pushes in those "family" get-togethers.

Don’t be fooled. They will not be happy. He will not have changed.. sit back and wait
But realistically you shouldn’t really care.
Be pleased you are free..

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You are a wonderful, amazing, strong and powerful woman. If you really think he's sitting pretty just remember that what goes around, comes around. It may just need some time but how wonderful that you got away from this low form of life. Also be in no doubt that "to live well is the best revenge". Don't let him continue to bring you down, be the best version of yourself now that you don't have to live with this man. The future is all yours.