Retroactive Jealousy

in my experience jealousy is a good indication of what you want ! If you are imagining all sorts of sexy behaviours with beautiful women , you are hurting yourself, you may need to look at how honest or fulfilled you are in that dept. Be sexy, accept your own beauty , own up to it, don’t hide your beauty under a bush. Flirt with your husband, get a hair do, etc. Also you just gave up a job where you had a full blown sense of self - who are you now? You may need to look at your sense of identity , who are you now? A writer, traveller, researcher, painter, photographer? You’ve reached an existential crossroads , life changed, maybe you didn’t catch up with or process the change yet but are in the process. That’s enough to give anyone bit of anxiety! I wouldn’t take meds until I was being carted off. Anything that balances hormones helps. I’d ask GP about investigating hormones because lack of testosterone can make you depressed the flip side of which is anxiety . Those hormones are really something !!! Mine drove me bonkers !! ( not literally ) Your husband didn’t stay with you 50 years by accident and he sounds like a lovely faithful contented chap.

You are right to find it unbelievable Gabriella54. I am angry at my own naivety and stupid innocence. I did actually know he had lost his virginity because that is one question I did ask. It has transpired that he lied to me both about his age and the circumstance because he thought the facts wouldn't have sounded very nice and he didnt want me to think badly of him. I did not know about the other women and the lie has been a part of the shock. Yes I was ridiculously innocent and had a romantic view that something as close and intimate as sex happened in a close and loving relationship. To know that happens purely to "scratch an itch" for some people has caused me to have to question many beliefs and has also been a part of what has thrown me into turmoil. I do recognise and completely acknowledge my naivety and lack of worldly awareness back then. It is very hard when you have had a certain view of someone for all those years to now have a very different view of them. Thank you for your response. X

Bless you Blade Annie and thank you. I have recently started keeping a journal and externalising my thoughts. I have also started some art. I am all over the place. I remember, the week after retirement and getting back from holiday, suddenly thinking " now what" everything felt empty and pointless and then suddenly the intrusive thoughts and questions started, seemingly out of nowhere. Thank you again. I am getting so much help on here today. It is just heartwarming that so many people are taking the time to respond to me. X

Coughdrop my heart and hugs go out to you. When I read your eloquently written post and the comment ‘felt like someone had tossed a hand grenade in my brain’ it summed up feelings at the time of my retirement. I realise now that my working life and structure had consumed a chunk of my waking hours and once it was gone I had too many hours to fill. It’s not the same what you’re experiencing I know but I felt quite lost(?) As I slowly emerged from my ‘meltdown’ (there were many.....) and started feeling better I pursued a more active social life as I had many hours to fill (I was a cricket ‘widow’ and on his retirement husband then joined a golfing club)It is still a work in progress but I can say I am now quite happy, contented and have a varied social life with my friends. Be kind to yourself you sound a lovely caring person with a loving husband. Please continue with counselling and if your gp suggests medication then ask questions until you feel that tablets will be of benefit over this period. It will pass. You will recover. You are stronger than you think. Look forward to enjoying your retirement. I’ve found the wise and caring Gransnet posters a great help on a range of topics, it’s my daily read.

Dear FC61, oh my gosh that has resonated with me. You have definitely hit on something. Thank you, thank you! You have given me much to think about. I know I have always lacked confidence and since a radical hysterectomy 9 years ago for uterine cancer, I have been more affected than I have ever discussed with anyone. Thank you again. I am overwhelmed by the kind support and wise words of so many people today. What an amazing thing to receive so much support and love from strangers.x

Dear Deedi I hope you got my response to your very kind and supportive message. I cant see it on here but I definitely sent it a few minutes ago x

How thoughtful of you to reply to us all individually, Coughdrop!

About "meaningless sex" - I get your concerns here and your feeling that you should have had a choice as to whether you wanted to marry someone who engaged in that. However, if you had decided against it, you may never have married b/c I'm afraid a lot of men do that (some women, too, obviously). The fact that the women involved were ok w/ that or took the chance is their issue, not yours. They have all probably happily moved on and married and are totally ok. Maybe realizing that can help you put them out of your mind.

Hi there Coughdrop. There’s a lot of information on retroactive jealousy if you Google it. Zachary Stockill’s website/blog/book is worth looking at, and there’s also a linked support group if that’s your sort of thing. Mediation is good too, it helps in moments of intense rumination or panicky anxiety. Headspace is worth investigating and has multiple programmes within the app (and Andy Puddicombe has a lovely voice!). I really hope life settles for you soon. Retirement can be a tricky time to negotiate - a real “What’s it all been about? Who am I now? Where to now?....” pivot point. Take it steady, and take some time out to look after yourself. Go Well.

Look after yourself Coughdrop x

Firstly please stop saying sorry. Whatever the reason for your anxiety, you didn't want it to happen, it happened to you. It sounds very hard to deal with and I do agree with others that you need help with it. Get help now, unless you think what you're already doing is helping, but don't just let it sort itself out, because both you and your husband need to get your lives back to how it was. You AND your husband were naive back then, just as we all were when we were young. If he'd realised then that it would have been right to tell you all, I'm sure he would have done. If he's been a good husband, he deserves to live with you in peace and be happy now. He and you deserve peace at this time. I hope you feel much better soon and you get the help you need. All the best to you both.

Coughdrop, we are almost exactly the same age. I mentored a couple of people at work towards retirement. I always suggested that they find hobbies to take the place of work - sport/exercise, art/craft etc. Your local U3a websites will give you a huge list of possibilities. Or organise a group yourself? Meet new people.
In my opinion, based on absolutely nothing, as I know neither of you, he didn't say anything because he loved the 22 year old you, and didn't want to make you uncomfortable in bed.
You've been married 44 years, I'm the same age, and not many of my friends and family from my teenage years and 20s have managed that. I promise you, I'm in awe of couples, who've both had careers, who shared their lives successfully for over 40 years.

Reading about your hysterectomy I wonder if it was oopherectomy as well or not? Certainly if you had oopherectomy I
would strongly recommend asking to be referred to a menopause clinic and explore hormones especially testosterone. Ovaries produce testosterone and it’s that that is lost (post menopausal ) if they’re removed. Sometimes when the libido drops the mind thinks oh whys that ....oh it must be because I don’t feel attractive - er no it’s because the hormone governing sex drive dropped !! Post hysterectomy I was feeling podgy, wrinkly and more interested in watching paint dry than DH as well as waves of depression ( first time in 58 years so suspicious) Post testosterone I feel about 32 again . Someone said it can make hair grow and fall out but DH so happy he wouldn’t mind if I had a beard ! I did get my eyebrows back but nothing other than that but everyone’s different. No other side effects. I thought by now I’d be driving fast cars and causing fights lol!

I was going to say do you somehow think your husband would be comparing you to his previous women he had sex with, but i see someone has already suggested this.
If that is what is at the back of your mind, do remember that he chose you, and he loved enough to marry and stay with you, you not them they meant nothing to him, you do
I hope you can get over feeling like this,or it could spoil the relationship you have together, and all for nothing really, just your imagination

Yes FC61 my ovaries were taken too, everything intact. At the time I knew it was a life saver, literally so I never spoke about the effects on my because everyone was telling me how lucky I was xxx

Coughdrop I agree with beautybumble. In most of your posts you are apologising and saying you can't believe you are feeling like this. It's not your fault. I too suffer with irrational thoughts, although not on the same subject. No one wants it to happen but sometimes life events can overwhelm us, leading our minds to become overloaded. Accept the help offered and stop beating yourself up. Good luck.

Hi - Agree with many of the wise words already written. I think part of 'the trouble' is you have found your past was not what you believed it to be - it has been sort of rewritten without your consent. If this is part of what you are troubled by:- take heart, very few of us can be sure that the way we thought things were, was actually the truth - you know it - many people pass their whole lives with mistaken impressions and never realise. This adjustment to a different past need not make any difference to what you do have - today and tomorrow. Only you can hurt yourself with this. Take all the advice. Forgive him, forgive yourself, none of us is perfect and you both sound pretty good! Things WILL get better.

You married him because you loved him and he married you because he loved you and your marriage has stood the test of time. If you could go back in time, which you can't are you saying you would not have married him because he had experienced casual sex? I don't think your husband was unique in this respect as it was often the way things were in those days. He respected and loved you and waited for your wedding day to consummate your marriage. He did not love any of the others, only you. Please don't lose sight of that.
Obsession is a terrible thing that distorts ones perspective and stops you from enjoying life. Would it help to fill your days more by perhaps doing some volunteering where your worth will be recognised and where hopefully your brain can switch off from these continuous negative thoughts. Every time you think negative try to think of 3 positive things in your life and that might help. Getting professional help is an option to take up. Try to ride the waves for now and hopefully things will start to look brighter but it may take a time. Meanwhile we are all rooting for you.

Dear beautybumble thank you so much. I recognise that I do apologise a lot. I think that is because I feel so ashamed of the judgemental nature of what I am feeling and the anger that comes with it. I feel like a bad person because if it. I am not very good at being kind to myself. X

Dear KatyK, unfortunately someone said something to me that made me feel very guilty about all this and I have been apologising ever since. I know it is irrational and as a result of an illness bu they, unfortunately, didn't. X

Dear Sandelf it is amazing to me how people I have never met understand so much of what I am going through. This is, indeed, a big part of it. I have desperately been trying to explain all this to someone but they cannot understand it at all. Thank you so very much. Everyone's response to me have been such a relief. X

There was a lady in our Seniors' Club, whose only topic of conversation was about her husband's infidelity in the first years of their marriage. Fortunately, her husband's very sympathetic sister, took her to see her GP who started her on antidepressants. She is a totally different woman now.

Coughdrop

Thanks for replying to my comment.
I guess it's hard to accept that other women knew your husband intimately before you met and having time on your hands now, gives you a chance to look back over the years and assess your life.

In today's world where there is no mystery and the most intimate and private details are paraded for public consumption, it's kind of expected that both parties will have had previous sexual partners and you're deemed an oddity if you haven't.

I think your husband is incredibly lucky that, despite his untruths, you are still with him.

Be proud that you're now addressing issues you put to the back of your mind during your working life and regain that sense of self worth which has recently gone walkabout.

Firmly anchor it in place once you find it and smile, knowing that you are still the same woman he has loved for 50 years but, during that time, you've gained a self awareness and maturity which will make you less naive and vulnerable.

I hope you find your mojo and have a very happy future...together.

Dear 25Avalon "everyone is rooting for you" - this has brought tears to my eye. I will keep that in mind. I have felt very lonely with this, but I haven't felt lonely today. I will keep reminding myself of what you have said. I know my husband loves me and I know that at 28 he thought he would never get married. Sometimes my cruel mind will let positives in but there is always a "but" following together with the cruel thoughts and the sick, stomach churning feelings. Thank you so much. X

Well people should be more understanding. You can help it. Forget about them and concentrate on yourself. I have a little motto on my wall 'bad things sometimes happen to good people'. You sound like a good person to me.

Sorry that should be can't help it not can help it.