Hello everyone, I am reaching out for help please and also asking for understanding because this condition is so very painful. I retired at the end of last year and within a week of doing so this extreme form of anxiety/OCD started. I have been married for almost 44 years and have never felt the need to question my husband about relationships before he met me. Please forgive me as this will be long and quite upfront. He was 28 and I was 22 when we met. I know this will sound both ridiculous and unlikely, but it never occurred to me that he would have had previous sexual relationships. I was so naive and innocent and was a virgin and had very strong moral values for myself. My friends were the same and it never crossed my mind that people had sex just because they wanted to without necessarily being part of a loving relationship. As I said I was ridiculously naive and innocent.
Since this illness started I have asked my husband endless questions. Every question leads to another question. It feels like I have no control over the thoughts and questions my cruel mind comes up with. I now know how many women, none of whom meant a thing and the act was, apparently, purely in response to a biological urge and nothing more. None of the sexual relationships lasted and not one included more than two acts. They were all long before he met me and I believe him when he tells me that I was the 1st woman he had any feelings for. Because this illness scews time, it feels like these women are happening now instead of 50 years ago. - yes 50 years ago. I feel stupid telling you all that. The illness means I have constant images in my head of him having sex with other women. I am tortured by the imaginings and I feel heartbroken. It is as if I now see him differently. I thought he had the same values as me. I feel, as soon as I told him I was a virgin he should have told me about his sexual history.
I feel that would have given me a choice about what I wanted to do.
Please forgive me if I am coming across as horribly judgemental. I have never been a judgemental person with anyone else at all. I can be totally accepting of anyone else and have a really let live attitude. I cannot find that for my husband. It affects every area of my life, sleeping, eating etc. I am now having therapy and doing everything I can to get free of this dreadful condition.
I wondered if any of you have suffered from this particular form of OCD? It is, apparently, born out of extreme anxiety. Anxiety certainly triggers the thoughts and questions and the dreadful images. It feels as if he us having affairs with these women now. I am so sorry if this all sounds crazy. It feels crazy. I am also sorry for the length of this post. I hope no one will tell me to pull myself together and stop being so stupid. I have already told myself that. There is absolutely nothing logical or rational about this and it is devastating not only my life but my husband's too. I don't want to take medication as I am fearful that medication may numb everything but I would have to stop it at some point and I know there could then be a rebound of this condition. Thank you in advance for any advice or comments. I will take on board anything you have to offer.
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