Retroactive Jealousy

I doubt if Coughdrop is reading these latest posts.
the op is 2 years old

It's you he loves.its you he chose.you were and still are the one he holds precious above all others. Well done you! You probs that anyone prior to you was simply no competition.he was powerless in his love for you and that was and still is all that matters. You simply won out against all comers! And now you've got him all to yourself in retirement.youll love it! You really are the Queen of all you survey. Maybe you can't believe your luck? I bet he couldn't believe his - and still can't! He's still with you and you him. Relax, enjoy being the best and having the guy you won fairly and squarely!

I want to send you good wishes, because I do understand your problem. There was something to do with a former relationship that I found after my OH died that hurt me at the time. But I deal with it like this: every time it bobs up in my mind I list good things that he did during our 50 year relationship and that sets the balance straight and allows me to carry on.

It will be harder for you as you are burdened with mental health problems at the moment; but I hope that this suggestion might help a little.

Do not doubt this man - he is the good man you married and have enjoyed a lifetime with; and the man of 28 is no longer there. He, like you, will have changed over the years. You are where you are now - a couple with a solid lengthy relationship to be celebrated.

no idea Coughdrop what will help you through the illness apart from do go and ask the doc for help
You say your illness screws up time, so you are transported back to when you were an innocent young girl and now you are experiencing what you would have felt then, and from your perspective of now you are having to rewrite your life with the new knowledge so past and present are all muddled up. You might be thinking what if I'd known then, would I have married him, no wonder your head is in a whirl
I have experience of finding out years down the line things that had I known at the time I'd not have married my now ex husband. And found out things about what happened early on and later on in the marriage, I've had to come to terms with the knowledge that it was all based on a lie, and it messes with your head,so many if onlies, had so and so yold me it would have been hard but I could hve got out of it. Instead coming to terms with the new knowledge and feeling like my head was in blender at times. I have done the best I can with the help of docs and therapists, don't panic if it akes time, things can start feeling better

Thank you Squiffy and I wish I’d thought of that name!!!! ?

Cuffetta welcome to GN!

If you click on Forums - near the top of the page - then choose which one you think is suitable - Chat/ AIBU (am I being unreasonable) etc. Click on it and you will see an option to Start a New Discussion. Click on that and away you go!

Ah ! I thought I had! As I said , very new to this and already messed up! How do I start a new thread please? Thank you

We just had an upsetting experience. Yesterday was the first time we saw our grandson together with my son in laws parents. We used to be good friends with them for years until the baby was due. I was a birth partner for my daughter and this was not well received by the other set. Some comments were made which I rose above thinking that it was just a bit of jealousy.
Then lockdown started and we were my daughters support bubble. So the other GP didn’t see or have contact with GS apart from outside at a distance for 18 months.
So we’re both really close to him, I see him 5 days a week normally. My husband (step dad to my daughter since she was 11) sees him 2/3 times a week.
The problem yesterday. We were nervous that GS might be too obviously confident with us and too shy with them. Since C19 has been almost all his life (20months) he’s very shy of people except us and his parents as that’s all he’s really seen.
But not only we’re our fears unfounded but reversed!!
He’s seen more of his other GP in the last few weeks so is more comfortable with them. But yesterday was weird!
He ignored his other Granny, mostly because he was utterly monopolised by paternal GD. He picked him up immediately on coming in and that was it!
(He has other GC which he’s always done the same with ie takes them off to play away from everyone else (including his wife) and totally excludes everyone else. His other son (parents of older GC) eventually told him off for constantly taking first one, then both GC, away from the family group saying he wanted to spend quality time with his kids as well on a weekend as he works all day and obviously only sees them after work most days. I don’t know what the response was but it still happened. Till they got fed up with it and supervised their time with them more closely and stopped him taking them off.).
So this happened again yesterday. GS was totally just wanting to be with GD and play etc and ignoring his parents and us. So maybe we were just surprised and a bit confused to start with. As the visit went on, he took him off up the garden or in the summerhouse or up to the allotment several times. (GS is never not wanting to visit the allotment ). Son in law got the “go with them” look from daughter as she doesn’t trust him not to have secret snacks of chocolate to give GS.
(They both (other set of GP) think it’s funny to give GC chocolate and treats and the older ones are sworn to secrecy ie “We mustn’t tell M&D we’ve had chocolate/money to buy chocolate/biscuits “ etc because we’re not allowed it unless they say so. Which we all think is appalling and daughter and SIL have shopped them to the other parents about. But despite threatened sanctions it still secretly goes on ).
So when eventually GD left the room, I was talking to GS and asked him if he wanted to show other Granny a toy. She was very keen to share it as he hadn’t been near her all afternoon.
GD came back in just as he moved towards Granny and sat on the floor in between GS and Granny and asked to see the toy. Distracted again and then taken off again to look out the windows.
So I’m well aware this sounds a bit petty but why is he doing this? Why does he have to monopolise any child and remove them from the group for 121 interaction? What’s going on?
As my husband later remarked “ no one else need have been there! It created the most odd atmosphere “?
He was very upset by it and couldn’t understand it at all. I’m also a bit confused as to why he does this? He’s a bit of a show off and a confirmed liar but this is still odd behaviour. I felt so sorry for Granny but she always lets him walk all over her ( and his kids) without demurring so it’s not surprising that he gets away with it. My husband said he’s shot himself in the foot as they won’t be invited back when GS is here, so he’s the one who’ll miss out. I don’t know if confrontation is the answer or not. (Not from us, I’d have no problem doing it but it’s really a parenting issue). My daughter has only just accepted they have to see more of them now lockdown is eased but still has trust/dislike issues with them because of serious lying/honesty/causing her husband pain issues from long before lockdown.
Does anyone else have any experience of this?
I’ve read a few articles to try and get a handle on this but would appreciate any constructive advice please?
Just to add, 2 days before, GS saw his great Granny and some other relatives for the first time in 18 months. After a shortish while of shyness, he lost his nerves and had a lovely day playing in the garden with everyone. He was the centre of attention of course but played beautifully with all and it was a lovely relaxing day. Not one person tried to fight for his attention, everyone was just happy to share a lovely day with him.

This thread is two years old! Cuffeta, you need to start your own thread.

I think that you need to be kind to yourself.
You know from your career that conditions like yours are usually irrational and often have little grounds and I certainly agree with your theory that all of the things that have been told to you by others may well be playing a part in how you are feeling right now.
Is there any ex counsellors group that you could join so that you don't feel so alone?
If someone came to you with similar problems, what would you have advised?
You know that you may well be in for a long haul and you also know that we are all here for you. Please just follow whatever medical advice is given. Sending you a hug.

Ultra possessive grandad.

Hi. I’ve just signed up here in the hope that someone has some experience of this.

Interesting that these started when you left work. Leaving work is not always the great event that we perceive it to be. I certainly struggled, no longer felt needed or that I had a purpose.
I have also struggled with anxiety for many years (not the same type as you). I asked my GP for medication, he felt it wouldn't be helpful & suggested "talking therapy". Within a few weeks I had a phone consultation with a mental health practitioner who suggested a Stress Control course. I was dubious but agreed to it. I have now done 4 out of 6 sessions and they are really helping. It has covered many of the suggestions that posters on here have suggested, but to me there is a whole world of difference in reading what someone has written and having someone talk you through it in detail with case studies etc.
It isn't easy to get over anxiety, there is no quick fix, it takes time and effort and this is where the course helps.
By the way, I was dubious of the title of the course "Stress" Control but stress involves depression and anxiety so it is relevant. I can certainly see myself in some of the case studies.
Good luck in whatever path you decide to take.

Could l ask anybody who has experience of taking an antidepressant for OCD type of thinking if they could give me the name of same antidepressant so I could check it out with my Doctor. Thanks a mil. Dawn

Hi Coughdrop
Just to say l have sent you a private message (pm). Hope you have seen it.
Take care from Dawn.

Thank you PeonyRose. I am doing that and having therapy. I feel very alone with this and just wanted to hear others perspectives. People's comments have been really helpful. Thank you for your response x

Dear BradfordLass72 I could feel your virtual hug. Thank you so much. I will try to take things a day at a time. You are very kind. I do have some hope now after so many of you have responded to me. I am hoping my therapy will make a difference soon. It has been a painful road so far but thank you again. Sending a hug back. X

Dear JanaNana thank you so much for your comforting words. I keep trying to tell myself the things you have said. Someone else mentioned self esteem and I do believe that my self esteem was firmly tied up with my job. The anxiety began almost straight after retirement and brought with it this dreadful condition. Thank you again for your kind words. X

Dear Nanoftwo how kind of you to respond. Thank you so much. I recognise the 2 "mes" battling with each other. It is a dreadful thing when you get so anxious that you feel like a frightened child again. I wish you love and peace of mind. It's sad that we take peace of mind so for granted until we no longer have it. Thank you again x

Dear reelashosser thank you for your response. I am so sorry to hear about your son but very relieved that he is now coping with his life. That gives me hope. X

Oh dear, Coughdrop, I wish I could give you a hug.

Be kind to yourself and your husband and just work from day to day on getting well. You'll make it - and we are always here to listen.

GabriellaG54 I entirely disagree with you, as is my right.

I had many friends, male and female who were virgins and some of them (shock. horror) older than 28 !!!

We had strong Christian and moral principles and whatever the world (or your friends) were doing, sex before marriage was wrong for us.

I also had a darling maiden great-aunt, the primest and most innocent of ladies. At 77, she met and married a widower and scandalised my mother by talking openly about the (long postponed) joys of sex. Bless her.

Coughdrop.
Be kind to yourself. There could be a combination of several reasons why you are having such a difficult time. First of all I would say every time these thoughts come into your head, tell yourself that your husband chose you, not any of these other women, but you. Replace these negative thoughts each time with a positive one. It's you who he wanted in his life not any of these others. Until he met you he had not met the special person he wanted to be with. You have been married a long time, had a successful career, and for some people when retirement happens it's not all it's supposed to be for everyone. Think of all the help you have given to many people during your 25+ years plus as a therapist, helping to put their lives in perspective for them. CBT would be of real help to you, to help you personally to put these invasive thoughts in perspective as well. Don't beat yourself up about how naive you were, back then lots of these things were not spoken about as openly as they are today. Your GP may suggest a very low dose of an anti- depressant for 6 months to help you over this bad patch and then revue you after that, it doesn't mean you will be on them permanently.
I do wish you well, and hopefully will be able to put all of this behind you in the not too distant future and feel happy and confident again. xx

You need to seek professional help Coughdrop, you cannot sort this out on a Forum.

Coughdrop really feel for you. Our brain is such a wonderful thing but sometimes it takes us in a direction we definately don't need to travel. Do you think the way you are thinking was set off by your retirement? You are not alone with uncontrolable thoughts. When I'm particularly anxious my brain/thoughts are that of a very vunerable, messed up 8 year old girl who frets so much that it takes all my might not to cling on to my husband literally to stop him going to work or anywhere out of the house. Through experience I do recommend anti-depressants and therapy. I'd like to think of myself as a strong-minded person but in times of particular stress my mind will work against me as if there are two "me's" fighting for control. I can be my best friend but worst enemy. Please don't dismiss anti-depressants to give you that nudge that you may need to get you through this tough time. You can conquer this. All the best to you.

Coughdrop, I sympathise with you - my son has suffered from this form of OCD for many years but is managing very well with the use of medication and CBT. However, as you developed this horrible malaise when you retired, have you thought of doing some volunteering? It would give you a sense of purpose and improve your self esteem, and I think it would help to put the nasty thoughts where they belong - on the backburner.

Dear Hm999 thank you for your lovely response. I know you are right. I have started to have some hope where I had none. I will keep reading and re reading what all you wonderful ladies have written to me today. Such wise, kind, thoughtful and, above all, empathetic responses. Thank you x