Pre wedding worries

We had concerns about our son's fiance a few years ago. She was controlling and at times abusive towards him...until one day she spoke to him in such a terrible manner in my presence I stepped in and told her off.

The relationship continued, but eventually my son told her he didn't want to marry her and it ended there.

He met someone new, and is now married to the most wonderful woman and they are both so happy together.

I never voiced my concerns, until that day she went too far. It's your DD's decision and whichever way it goes, I hope it will be the right one. Stand by her side and show her (and him!) she has your support.

I agree with nanal5. Rather end things now than have years of misery for her and the children. Once they are married his controlling behaviour will only get worse.
Make it clear how you will support her and she may be afraid to be left alone with the children. Then as someone else suggested look at the Freedom Programme its excellent. Or she could get an appointment for herself only at Relate.

I am so sorry you are facing this situation. No wonder you are worried. You must be concerned for your grandchild too. I am afraid he does sound an abuser. Rather than telling your daughter what you think, I would ask her what she thinks, gently and non-judgementally give her a little space and encouragement to express any concerns she may have herself. It is hard to listen to people criticising their partners and then having to be polite and kind to those partners but it is something we have to do while a relationship lasts. it is absolutely her choice. if you try to force her to see sense or are critical of her, you will only alienate her and make it easier for him to cut you out. I think it would be good to reassure their that she has choices as far as you are concerned, that it would be OK to stop the wedding or postpone it if she wanted to, that you will always be there for her whatever she chooses to do. Even if they marry, it is not the end. She has managed to get out of one bad relationship and can do so again. Making her feel that she is a good person, boosting her self esteem, admiring her good points will help her be stronger. Unfortunately we cannot take pain away from our children but we can support them in dealing with life’s pain by our love. Your own anxiety is causing you pain and not helping in any way. I know it is very hard but try to be as good and kind as you can to yourself in this situation and self soothe in any way you can. Good luck and my blessings.

Hi Karen.
Can I ask how old your daughter and GD are?
I know that after my divorce i had two young children and felt that I should be thanking the lord if anyone else wanted to ‘take me on’! Luckily I soon realised my worth and have been with DHno2 for 17 years now.

However a lot of young women stay in that headspace, thinking that now it’s not only themselves but also a child, that they should be grateful.
She may think that at her age she won’t have time to find anyone else.
I’m just thinking out loud really. But I do agree with you - your GD shouldn’t have to live with someone who has those sorts of anger issues.

My daughter has recently divorced her husband - it started small and ended up HUGE therefore I can't agree with comments to stay out of it. Your daughter's concerns are your concerns and for her future happiness and may I say for all your family, I suggest while you tread carefully you still voice all your concerns. At one time my daughter didnt even realise she was being abused until she read a domestic abuse website. I agree with burtieb26 and others above - believe me, he won't change and it will only get worse. My mother used to say 'Leopards don't change their spots!'. I am so sorry for you, I know what is like to be in this position.

To (badly) paraphrase Maya Angelou, whenever someone shows you their real self, believe them. He does sound like an emotional bully but perhaps she can cope with that - otherwise paste on that smile and be there waiting when/if it goes wrong ..... my current situation btw.

Well the writing is on the wall and it seem very unlikely that it is going to end well. He has known her less than 2 years, he has already been shouting at you on the phone, so if this is when he is on his best behaviour it does make you wonder what is in store. I would just say quietly to her that you want her to be happy but she does not have to go through with it if she has any doubts. Then leave it at that.

I would try not to get too emotionally involved with this future sil.
The signs don't look too good to me. He may not be a long term solution/ideal partner. Support your daughter as best you can but keep your space/boundary around you.
Take care from Dawn.

Well, as you say Karen, your MIL tried to talk your DH out of getting married on his wedding day, and you've now been married for 32 years and it has obviously worked out happily.

It must be such a difficult dilemma for you now. And there are times in life when it's just impossible to know what to do for the best - simply because we cannot foretell the future. No one is perfect - and nor is your prospective SIL. Does he love your DD and GD? Does your DD love him? Is her child happy with him as a future step dad? He behaves badly, but does he have a kind heart?

I presume there are other things worrying you about the man that your daughter is marrying than just the instance you mention here.

If there aren't, then forgive me, but you are making a mountain out of a molehill. Most people have pre-wedding jitters and most men don't want a big wedding, but would be much happier with a civil or church wedding with only the two witnesses demanded by the law.

Shouting is a stupid way of re-acting when things could wrong, but your daughter will just need to tell her husband so, either now or later on.

Anything you say to her right now will only lead to a quarrel between you, which if it doesn't lead to total estrangement between you, will make it impossible for your daughter to confide in you later, if it turns out she has made the wrong choice.

Would you have listened to your parents, or forgiven them, if they had tried to persuade you not to marry your husband? I know I would not have listened to mine.

Well the writing is definitely on the all. Your SIL is a controlling bully.
The question is what can you say to your DD?
I told my DD I didn't trust her future Dh and boy was I right......but I don't think she ever really forgave me for being right.
She was very young at the time and I don't think either of uso were ready for such a huge problem to appear in our lives.
One extra problem is if there are going to be more DC because then there will be so much heartache in the future.
From my perspective twenty years later there are still repercussions because of the children.
We don't disagree about him anymore but I am sad to see the effect he had on his Step daughter (my granddaughter) and the child he had with DD.
I think if I could have had more wisdom I would have spoken to DD but less direct in my views.
btw she divorced him asap,,,, but that relationship harmed her and the effects still go on.

If he shouts at you on the phone then expect more of it. Why would he stop?

And by the way Karen, what did your DD's best friend do to upset him? You're assuming - as do most people here - that she was right and the boyfriend/SIL was wrong. Are you quite sure?

Is there a way you could in confidence speak to the maid of honour and see how she feels about the relationship?
If she too has concerns maybe you both saying the same things to your DD she may listen.
If he is naturally a shouty person especially around your GD I personally would say something.

Good luck xx

Definitely you should tell her your concerns - and remind her that she absolutely does not have to do this - he’s clearly going to be s crap controlling aggressive husband for her - she may feel railroaded. 100% remind her that it might be a little messy to cancel the wedding now but better than living it for a lifetime. Tell her, she might just just need to hear that she can, with support, out the brakes on.

Karenl2859 my heart goes out to you as a troubled mum. I think she needs to understand that if she wants the wedding can wait or be cancelled. I know you aren't the person to say this but as you say, your husband might be. But he must stress that you want her to be happy and if she is happy, you are too.
Unfortunately, if she's being controlled, she won't feel she has the power to cancel so don't leave it too long.
Good luck to you all. X

I agree with CarlyD7! My daughter fairly recently came out of a seven year relationship where we actually really liked her partner but he had a short fuse and anxiety issues due to his own past which made him controlling. There had been several warning signs which my daughter did discuss at the time but she made excuses for him because of his background, and they sort of got brushed under the carpet. The split was heartbreaking but a year down the line, she looks back on it and realises how much she'd been treading on eggshells and trying to steer clear of his trigger points. How much more difficult her life would have become if they'd had children.
Could you maybe say that there's something you want to say to her, mother to daughter, because you love her and your grandchild? Say you're only going to say it once – and after that you'll completely respect her decision whatever it is. Then go on to say what CarlyD7 above suggests?
I think saying something like that on the day is definitely too late! Just stress that you're saying it because you love her and are concerned for her – just as she loves her own daughter. The chances are she'll still go ahead but at least if it falls apart you know you did you best as an obviously very caring mother. Good luck.

I wonder how he would react if you or your DH voiced your concerns to him ?

I agree with much above EXCEPT excusing it as pre-wedding nerves. If behaving like an outsize agressive toddler is his go-to position - he is a manipulative, emotionally retarded F'wit.
Telling your D may, sadly have no effect if she's gone as far as agreeing to marry him.
Unfortunately its not possible to take out a contract on him but that is what he's doing with your daughter.
If this stn is not a lot worse within 2 years I'll eat my hat.

I'm in agreement with agnurse on this.
You're allowing yourself to be 'ill with worry'. Why?
She's an adult.
Don't ruin your health over someine else's problems and if your future DH or your DH are abusive on the phone...end the call immediately with no explanation.
I can't understand why so many mothers allow their AC to walk all over them.

DH DD and future SiL

Oh my goodness what a lot of responses. Thank you everyone for taking the time. I’ve spoken to MOH and she is of the opinion DD wouldn’t listen if I did speak to her. It’s not an isolated incident so not just pre wedding nerves. It’s so hard to know what to do.

This could be awful for your granddaughter if there’s a problem with his anger. I can see why you’re concerned. Is your DD putting him before her child?

Changed my username just in case SIL DM is on here! I don’t think DD puts him before DGD, they say they don’t argue in front of her but I’m concerned she will overhear arguments (she’s only 4 and has told us things in the past).

Whatever those things are, listen to her. She won’t have the ability to lie yet.

Have you told your DD what has been said by your dgd? If not...why not?

I think you should probably have a go at talking to your DD. If you start the conversation by being critical of her fiance, she will probably become defensive and dig her heels in, though. Could you ask her how her fiance is feeling after the wobbly he had and suggest that if he is stressed or maybe having doubts about getting married, you would understand if they decided to postpone the wedding. You could say you want them to choose the future that's best for all three of them and there is no need to stick to the planned date just because other people have it in their calendar. Reassure her that it is about what's best for them; postponing while they decide if /when they want to get married would be understandable and you will support her whatever they decide to do.
I'm now very happily married to my 3rd husband. My mum wasn't too keen on first two ( and , in hindsight, she was right), but she didn't try to talk me out of marrying and I know I wouldn't have listened. So glad she met my current husband before she passed away - she adored him and he is a fantastic stepdad and grandpa to my kids' 8 children.
Just be there for her whatever happens and try not to make yourself ill with worry - look after yourself too.