Lost some confidence with my son

I have no idea what my AC get up to on a monthly basis let alone on a weekly or daily basis and certainly don't bend their ears with the minutiae of my own life.
I know for a fact that they know more about their friend's and colleague's lives than they do about mine and that suits me just fine.
I get none of the aggro or problems that some other mothers get so it's a win/win situation.

Usually when someone is disproportionate in their response, it is due to a pattern of behavior that makes them so annoyed. Maybe you need to find out about deeper issues. Just an idea.

I don't know why people are suggesting the OP shouldn't have mentioned this to her son.

If it's the sort of thing they usually talk about, in general chat, that's up to them.

My ACs live far from me so we don't usually tell each other small things, but when we see each other in person then minutiae might be mentioned.
No-one gets worked up about it, tho.

Leaving bad feedback on Ebay may be inappropriate but it's hardly the crime of the century! I thought he must have caught you smoking dope at the very least, or in bed with a toyboy perhaps!

My kids wouldn't dare criticise me that much. Anything more than a mild ticking off would have me (deliberately) in tears and they'd feel rotten - especially when their siblings found out!

It is quite difficult to know what is news. I usually assume that news is not to do with me but my son. so the one in Australia I tell him anything I know about this old school, a neighbour who went there , a teacher , or some recent planning decision concerning the school. The one in england I ask him how he is doing etc and may mention the garden, or some visitors we have had. I would not mention shopping for things unless it was something that Aldi had that he might like say a hand tool or a Pizza oven.

So it seems that one may have to adjust to what one's son considers is worthwhile talking about.

I would tell one of my female friends about a cock up with shopping for a jumper but not my son.

We are all different so I think it might pay just to reflect on what is news that is of interest to the person you are speaking to.

Tillybelle, it's okay, and thank you for your kindness. You are right it's s wide range of ideas from grans which is what makes gransnet so good for us really.

Annodomini, the reason I mentioned this minor matter to him was simply for some small topic to chat about, and I was amazed when he thought it mattered one way or the other. He is very very good at solving problems. It's his way of talking that sometimes upsets me. He actually does know best about all manner of things and does get a little impatient when I am slow to understand. At least this is not patronising me.

Sorry but I have no idea what the OP mentioned to her son. Have I missed something as I’m totally bewildered here!

Our children often forget who the parents are. If any of my children (that's a joke when they are 46 and 44) go to far, they are slapped down, normally it's my daughter.

However I have always encouraged them, gc and ggc to challenge things that they disagree with, within their competence and paying respect and regards to sensitivities. That also means that whatever is my or my wife's business is not normally open to discussion.

Our children often forget who the parents are. If any of my children (that's a joke when they are 46 and 44) go to far, they are slapped down, normally it's my daughter

Is it normal or healthy to maintain such an authoritarian relationship with one’s adult children? Or even one’s young children, for that matter.
Doesn’t there come a point where it has to be recognised that AC are adults in their own right and just as deserving of respect as the parents are?
‘Slapping them down’ - if my parents had ever treated me in that way, they wouldn’t have seen me for dust.

I am really quite shocked at some of the authoritarian responses on this thread!

Sounds like the OP’s son was annoyed at his mum for leaving negative feedback on the seller’s account. He is an eBay seller himself, so probably seen it from the other side. That kind of thing can really ruin someone’s business. And surely, very minor disagreements like this are just the nature of relationships?

Now, if the son was screaming and shouting at the OP, I would understand, but surely a “Darling, I’m not an idiot” would be appropriate if you felt like you were being lectured. Claiming to be worried to tell him your “news” in the future is a massive overreaction. And please, please, please don’t “remind” him who the parent is! You are his mother, but your days of “parenting” him are long gone.

To clarify, my last two sentences were in response to absthame’s ridiculous post, and nothing to do with anything the OP has said.

It’s not about her adult son speaking to her kindly because she’s his mother and his authority.

They are peers. Both adults. Both with things they can learn from each other.

It’s just about rude behavior. He speaks this way with his wife as well. I doubt be speaks to his colleagues in this manner.

He needs to learn to speak to all people with kindness and to be polite, regardless of their relation to him.

She should stand up for herself because he was rude and his delivery was insulting. There is no excuse for it.

She shouldn’t have to accept his behavior because he’s knowledgeable in tech or eBay. Or even because she believes he was right.

Just like she shouldn’t expect him to be deferential to her because she’s his mother and authority.

They should be able to have disagreements and educate one another while remaining cordial and polite because that’s how people treat one another.

Alexa. Thanks so much for telling me! I couldn't stop worrying last night! I really am in support of you! I do know how horrible one can feel if an AC decides to treat us like a naughty school child and tells us off as if they are our Teacher! I do hope some of the replies here have helped you think of a way to deal with your other news. remember, you are in charge of your life. You have the right to make decisions. Like anyone you have the right to make mistakes, do things in a way you realise would have been better done another way etc. That's what life is about!!

I just wonder if your DS is worrying about something in his own life. To become so intense about a small matter that you were just chatting about - which shows it dint bother you - might suggest he is not quite comfortable about life in general. I know that my daughters' husbands have very demanding jobs. One in particular is always under pressure to perform and although he is something of a genius (imho) he is only as good as his last "invention", and has to prove that what he creates is the best by it making money in the International Marketplace. I am always in fear he will crack under the pressure or get burn-out. The other two SiLs also have to work extremely hard and even be available over Christmas for example. Life today is relentless to the people who are around our children's age at work. They are usually in the Management level and have to take so much responsibility.

I do hope you and he will soon be able to laugh about the jumper!
Take care of yourself! Try and have a bit of light-hearted fun. God Bless you. Elle x ?☕️?

GoodMama

I just had to say thank you for putting so well exactly what I want to say but can't put into words without writing too much!!

You made 8 points and I was cheering at each one! Perfectly expressed! Exactly right! Thank you!

my daughter does this with me. you have to turn round and say please dont speak to me like that .its really hurtful.. my daughter made me feel an inch high when she spoke to me in front of others at a church meeting .i was in tears. thing was one of the lady pastors said .mums always get treated like that. i asked whether she spoke to her mum like that .she did blush and say no. it can be really hurtful and you have to say that it hurts when you talk to me like that.

GG65

The Son was rude. Rude and unfeeling in his treatment of his mother. He should be polite no matter to whom he is speaking. With his mother, one would expect he would show a level of care and respect. Respect embodies a knowledge and humble appreciation of the person, their qualities, what they have done for you, a desire to do what is best for them and to treat them well and not hurt them, a desire to show them you love and appreciate them and would not hurt them. That is not authoritarian.

I hope you will take on board what GoodMama has written above.

It is not authoritarian to remind a son who is being rude and unkind that he is speaking to his mother. The relationship is very special and the bond of love is huge. His ability to hurt her is therefore so much greater than if her were talking to a person with whom he works. He does need reminding that it is unkind and disrespectful to give a lecture to his mother about a small matter and to make her feel a level of distress that made her lose confidence with him and to say "I now feel I can't tell him my news in case I get another lecture and feel bad." Her words demonstrate he has damaged his relationship with his mother. He needs to take responsibility for this, make amends, show that he realises that lecturing his mother is not right. To compare her unfavourably with her DGD is inappropriate and hurtful. Anyway, it is only his view.

It makes me wonder why his daughter is so perfect. I imagine with such a controlling father who has such rigid views about small things and who is given to rendering stern unsolicited and crushing lectures when he is displeased with the behaviour of someone over a small matter that is of no concern to him... well... being raised in a regime of vigilant control with strict rules regarding the right way to do things and heavy penalties for infringements, wouldn't that lead to behaviour that is immaculate? Wouldn't a child living in this condition, knowing there is only one right way of doing a thing, fearing a crushing telling off, follow his rules to the letter? No child would dare put a foot wrong living in that atmosphere of threat! Living under the constant knowledge that any step out of line will bring down such soul destroying heavy criticism, would lead to very careful and perfect behaviour.

To get so worked up about the £15 eBay jumper is not normal behaviour.

To lecture one's older mother in such a serious and unfriendly tone, putting her down, making her feel apprehensive about talking to him about another matter for fear of another put-down, for a small thing such as this, is not normal behaviour.

It suggests a need to control. A need to condemn. A need to crush another person for something which is not important, and which is not his business and which was just an item of everyday chat. To turn an everyday chat into delivering to his mother a crushing lecture about the treatment of a £15 eBay purchase, that she gave to Charity, is crazy!

Alexa Perhaps it may be worth thinking, Alexa about why your DS is getting so worked up about such a small matter. Is he always like this or is this something new? Maybe he is feeling under pressure.

Whatever the situation, I think I would try and say to your DC that you are fearful of telling them something because you felt so demeaned/put down by your DS and do not want to go through that again. I think you have the right to say you feel it inappropriate for a person to speak to another that way and are especially hurt that your son spoke to you so critically in such an unfriendly tone, which the actual incident did not deserve. But refuse to discuss the eBay thing again!

Good luck! Try to let it go and not upset you. You know you are a decent and sensible person!

love from Elle x

would have me (deliberately) in tears

Seriously. I'm astonished - you actually do that?!

^^ That was to Hetty58.

moggie57. So sorry your DD has not changed. To put you down in public only shows her up as an unkind person. The others will know what you are really like and I am sure, felt very sad for you.
Lovely to hear from you.

FarNorth, oh yes, I could turn on the tap to make them feel awful if necessary!

Tillybelle, you have gone on to lecture me about how the OP’s son was rude and unkind to have lectured her!

I’m really not seeing the rude behaviour here. The son was clearly annoyed with his mum for leaving negative feedback on someone’s account and he told her so. Adult to adult. Peer to peer. He is also an eBay seller and understands the consequences of negative feedback on business.

You have then gone on to say that the son getting so worked up over a jumper is not normal behaviour. The son didn’t get worked up over a jumper! It doesn’t even sound like the son got worked up! The OP hasn’t mentioned voices being raised or anything that would be indicative of someone getting worked up.

You appear to be getting yourself rather worked up over this.

If the OP felt her son was being rude, she should have just told him so. There and then. In the moment. Adult to adult. Peer to peer. That is how people interact. Not by sulking about it.

What a fuss!

And Hetty58, that’s nothing to be proud of!

GG65. It doesn't matter what you think about what I say. Alexa will decide what is befitting to her situation.

Your comments do indicate that you have not understood all that Alexa has written. Your interpretation of the situation seems to be one which suits your argument so that you may put down others who are supporting Alexa. I think people with an attitude to crush the OP by misrepresenting what she actually said are not helpful and not welcome on Gransnet.

Similarly making untruthful digs at others such as saying "You appear to be getting yourself rather worked up over this." is of course your own imagination which you have written in order to be provocative and is not in the least helpful to the OP.

Hetty58 what petty manipulative behaviour.

Coco51

I meant to say earlier but so much intervened...

What an extremely good example of a good reason why the middle generation needs to pay attention to their parents - the oldies (us). Also you are kind to share your experience with your DAS. It is so very sad when they cannot accept that we are on their side and merely trying to do what is best. I imagine your DS's pride won't let him admit you were right. He must be feeling embarrassed that his child was actually in danger because of this girl about whom you had warned him and he had been angry with you in front of her.

I am assuming your DGS came to no harm. But what a terrible thing for her to do! When he was ill! It is good that she was discovered.

It is so sad that our children do become rather proud in adulthood sometimes and do not like it or behave with grace when we are right. Your example shows how the relationship breaks down and we become very wary of discussing things which are important to us after they put this barrier between us. In my own experience and from knowing many others', including back in the days when I was still working, this is not an unusual situation. That is, Grandparents stop discussing important matters with their AC because they have experienced harsh or judgemental treatment from them. I am so sorry it happened to you.

My friends and I have often said that our best support comes from each other - our own generation. I do hope you have somebody with whom you can discuss things when you feel the need.