Lost some confidence with my son

I can't see that it was any of his business. I sometimes think that when we get to a certain age, our children assume we are doolally. It makes me cross.

Im afraid my older kids try lecture me ooccasionally,& I have to remind them who'se the mother.I think sometimes because they are the parent to their own child,therefore the one doing the 'telling off',that they sometimes get carried away.

As for ebay,ive noticed that if you put a 'bad' experience on the sellers feedback then they pester you with emails till you give them a good review wether you want to or not! I reported this fact to ebay,so its up to them to follow up,but i pointed out that if the sellers only ever want 'good' feedback why ask for it in the first place?! Anyway i now find its easier NOT to review them at all,& just delete any emails asking to review them till ebay get fed up.

I agree with some others though,the ebay thing really isnt 'news' as such so i wouldnt have mentioned it in first place,unless you just wanted to rant about it to someone to feel better,which in that case ok but its still not your sons place to tell you off for it! Youre not a child.maybe he needs reminding NOT to do that to you,nor to his wife? But if its some other 'major' news that you now darent tell him then dont,leave it till you really have to.Also then reminding him youre an adult & and can do what you like.

Pah! If your son is saying it from an eBay sellers point of view then ..... he should also know if you don’t get it right you are in line for negativity.
It is unacceptable to treat your mother as a fool or make her feel like one.
But I agree with the comments re “perfect daughter “ sounds a little loaded.
Mothers and sons ..... Fathers and daughters !

Difficult to comment when non of us know the circumstances or the type of relationship you have. Sometimes kids outgrow their parents....not suggesting it’s the case here....but I’ve seen kids who against all odds, be the first in a family to go to uni...become a professional, maybe end up with a doctorate and the common ground between parents and child is lost over time....in fact apart from upbringing...there is no common ground. My mum had more than a passing relationship with alcohol....I used to drive three plus hours to her house to take her out for lunch and she could be falling down drunk. I know at one point I told her that none of us, her kids could continue with her rudeness to us. If your son is assuming you and he have changed places...ie. he is now the parent...remind him who gave birth, brought him up....nurtured him and suggest he save his smart mouth for his daughter...then carry on the conversation like you hadn’t said anything.

I sympathise with you, just before Christmas the same thing happned to me I was so humiliated I burst into tears, which didnt affect my Son, he just kept shouting almost threating me, this was infront of hs teenage Son who didnt dare to comfort me in front of is Father later he sent me a lovely text message.I realise later my Son was deperate in a financial sitiuation he couldnt cope with, he has never apologised but we get on again, although its like stepping on egg shells approaching some subjects.
I think its the disappointment about having brought up a Son so well, and this kind of thing happen,I send my good wishes to you Alexa.

alexaI don't really think it was any of your sons business really. It's up to you what you do with your purchases and also how and what you feedback. I'm sorry you have been made to feel bad. I would perhaps try to shrug it off. Tell him your news and if he is rude, bullying tell him he is out of order and he is not to speak to you that way.
Good luck!

Still confused as to why son has to know about £15.00?
Surely it's your business.

Alexa. I have to say I am jumping in (sorry) having only read as far as your explanation regarding the eBay sweater. Jumping in there because I am simply so shocked!

I too, like GoodMama think your DS is way out of line! I don't care if there is an optimal way of dealing with a disappointing purchase on eBay. You weren't to know. We all make mistakes. You have the right to fill in the "How was your purchase?" form in an honest way, even if you haven't contacted the Seller!

To be honest, eBay's returns method is quite complicated. I once was sent the wrong item, which had the same name as mine but was a later edition. The Seller had put in his own note saying to contact him before complaining on eBay and he would sort out any complaints. This message - a little slip of paper - fluttered to the floor, so I began the eBay returns process. Then I found out why the Seller said don't use it!! Anyway I got a really nice and understanding Seller and I learned a bit more about what to do...

Life is about learning! We do what we believe to be best at the time. We do not deserve to be made to feel small by anyone just because they are a clever Dick who knows the "right" way to do it! I maintain that it was your right to choose the way you did it anyway. Plus it was your right to make a kind donation to a Charity. I have done that so often with internet purchases which people probably would tell me I ought to send back. Sending back is a hell of a palaver. Letting a Charity benefit is your good deed for the day.

I was bullied by my children, harangued about what I bought etc. Then my friend got really mad when she heard about it and said:

"They have no right to speak to you like that! You are their mother! They should show some respect! It's none of their business what you do with your money! Don't allow them to talk to you like that! Remember, they are the children! You are their Mother! Tell them to show some respect!"

This was a friend who sat on the Magistrate's Bench for about 20 years.

Now, whether you dealt with the jumper your DS's way or your way is irrelevant! He should NOT be putting you down! That is a serious breach of respect. It is bullying. He has no right to speak to you like that, whatever you have done. To go on at you for some length about a £15 jumper is cruel. It is way out of line as has been said by GoodMama.

I think that Bluebell has hit on the right explanation and her advice is good.

I certainly am very careful about what I share with my children. I have one SoniL in particular who has a senior role at his work and is "always right" and always telling you what you "should have done". For example, I bought a new car on a special day at the main dealer's for over £1000 off. I had free maintenance and Service and the road tax paid for three years. Three years later I sold it back to them for the same price! I had had a car for free for three years and only had to pay for petrol! This SonIL started telling me what a bad thing I had done etc... Eventually I asked him how many cars he had bought or sold. Answer; "None"!

If you don't feel like telling the family something because you fear your son will chastise you and make you feel small, this is a very bad thing. This is not a healthy relationship.

Your problem isn't about not being able to tell them something or how to get round him. It's about his not respecting you and bullying you.

It is about how on earth he thinks it is ok to talk to his mother like this and put her down! No son should ever do that!

In my book it is immoral. If he wants to help you do something a better way, then he says, "Mum, next time, you could try doing this.... It works for me and is less hassle..." He never assumes he has the right to upset his mother and treat her as though she is stupid!

Sorry to say it rather bluntly Alexa but I think you need to get back to basics with your son. Become the mother again, this time the lesson is teaching her son how to respect people. I'd say to him that you realise you have not done your job as a parent or that he has forgotten the lessons you taught him so you need to start again.
Lesson 1: Respect his mother! Do not speak to her as if she is his subordinate and can be put down and lectured. He needs to learn to show some thoughtfulness and respect for his elders. Not everyone does everything the way he says. He does not lay down the law to you and criticise you. He may respectfully explain that he has a different way of doing something. But only if he explains respectfully!

As for I now feel I can't tell him my news. I would be inclined to say openly that you have something to tell them but in the shocking light of how your son has shown such disrespect for you and upset you so much, you have decided not to put yourself in a position whereby he can bully you any more. You will not be telling them because you cannot trust your son to treat you with the loving respect any normal son would give his mother.

Maggiemaybe gives some examples of behaviour which might lead our AC to be shocked at us, but even then I would expect them to show some sensitivity and perhaps say wtte: "Mum! You mustn't say things like that! It sounds Racist! We are not a racist family!" This is because unfortunately I had to deal with my mother's dementia, she used to say things she thought were ok, in the early stages, which she would never have said when she was well. It was as if she had lost her understanding and was living in the ignorant days of her upbringing when people did not understand what being racist was or how cruel it is. If a parent is not ill and is determined to be ignorant and racist or rude, then I would definitely accept their AC showing their disagreement and dissociating themselves from such behaviour. But that isn't the issue here.

Good luck Alexa! Your son will only treat you like a stupid underdog that deserves a good telling off, if you behave with him as though you are a poor subservient meek underling who gets everything wrong and doesn't deserve respect.

I said on another thread recently, When told to stop being a door-mat, the person said "How do I stop being a door mat?" The answer was "Stop lying on the floor and letting them walk all over you."

Stop appeasing him! Stand up to him! He was wrong to be rude. He was a bully. Are you proud to have a son who picks on an old lady and makes her feel put-down and frightened? Isn't that what bullies do? Isn't it time he learned to behave decently?

KatyK. I totally agree. Well said!

Are you proud to have a son who picks on an old lady and makes her feel put-down and frightened?

I think referring to another Gransnetter, when in all likelihood you have never met them, and can’t have a clue about their actual age, and imply they’re weak and helpless and can’t stand up for themselves, is just about the most patronising thing I’ve read on GN.

It’s cruel as well.

Nanny41
I am so sorry to hear about your son.

You have given some examples of things that raise "red flags" or warning signs about your son. Despite the financial problems, he sounds like a very difficult person to live with. I am worried about your DGS. What a wonderful boy he is. I would simply say that your DGS would benefit from spending as much time as possible away from his father and with you. It is extremely likely that your DiL is having a very difficult time too and would benefit from your support.

I do hope that things improve soon. Your DS's reactions and his disregard to your crying cannot be entirely explained by his financial worries. It is likely that he is like this no matter what his circumstances. Please try to do what you can for your DGS.

Wishing you much good luck. Love from Elle x ?

janeainsworth Thanks, It should read OldER lady.

My letter was entirely based upon Alexa's letters.

Kind and considerate always trumps confident and knowledgeable. Would he talk to a stranger like this?

What a furore over a £15 jumper. What I can't understand is why the OP had to mention it to her son in the first place. If I buy something that I have to either send back or have refunded, I don't bother my sons with it. Both have responsible jobs and their own families and far more important things to think about than concern themselves with what was, after all, a minor purchase.

Alexa

Please don't be scared, it's me again!

I've been told I was cruel. So I must write to you quickly and make sure you know that I never intended to upset you or to be cruel. Not at all! I ended rather quickly because my post was already too long.

If I have hurt you in any way I am truly sorry!

I really sympathise, nay, empathise with you. As I said in my long post, my children were being cruel to me especially about something I bought. It was my friend whom I quoted who made me sit up and realise I was letting my children walk all over me. I was scared of them. I would shake even if I saw an email from them. So I really felt for you when I read about this prolonged "telling off" kind of talk your son gave you. I also felt angry for you because I remembered how I was unable to stand up for myself and to think of what to say at the time. I remembered thinking that they knew best being the younger generation etc.

But I did suddenly come to my senses at the rather stern things my friend said to me. She has always been a stalwart support to me since my husband died when I was 42. I realised she was right! I was letting the children bully me. After that, I saw a lot of other older women (Sorry about the "old woman" blunder!! It was supposed to be older!) who were scared of their AC. Quite a few scared of DH too. I became a Psychologist and did Counselling among other things.

But I am in complete support of you Alexa and I do understand. It happened to me! Unfortunately it is not at all uncommon imh experience as a Counsellor, to have us Grandmothers treated as if we are unable to cope, particularly with the internet, by our AC. Many women I met had sons who gave them lectures or even told them they were not to use the internet for shopping! It did amount to bullying, I'm afraid. I really didn't want you to be in this position.

It worried me a bit that you repeated that he was right and you were wrong. There isn't really a right or wrong in such an unimportant situation as the £15 jumper! I would say it was especially lovely that you gave it to a Charity! You are clearly a kind person and I would have been proud of you were I your child!

I have been accused of patronising you as weak and helpless too and told I don't have evidence as I don't know you! I strongly hope you don't feel patronised! I was just responding to what you said. I felt terrible when one of my children put me down with one scathing remark, so I couldn't help feeling awful for you when you said your son lectured you and "^I now feel I can't tell him my news in case I get another lecture and feel bad^". It is the famous "treading on eggshells" kind of remark that people make when they say they can't say something for fear of setting somebody off into another rage/anger/rant/telling off/lecture at them and making them feel awful.

Your very poignant messages give very good descriptions of what your DS did and how it made you feel and how you feel now and what you fear about the piece of news you want to tell them but are scared to do so. I responded entirely to what you said. I understood how terrible it is to be made to feel like that!

I imagine the accusation of my being cruel was about my very frank description of your son's treatment of you. I did it deliberately I'm afraid. Many people who are used to being put down or taking orders do not realise when they are being treated wrongly. They lose their ability to see that they do not deserve to be spoken to like that. My friend pointed it out to me. She made me ashamed of my children's lack of respect for me. I had to go through it in order to understand the reality of what was happening.

It really is better to take control of your life and not be able to let your AC "get to you" like this at the first possible instance when you recognise that one of them is not treating you with respect. This is because we are not getting any younger. If we do not remind them who is the mother and that our business is our business straight away, they can become very audacious. It can lead to many situations where we feel as you do about how tell them your news. We start to live in anxiety about our relationship with them.

If I upset you I am very sorry indeed. I was abrupt in the way I ended the long message so I am very sorry I didn't say that you are by no means alone. I know you are a very good and decent mother, and GM! I have been through this as have thousands, probably millions! So don't think I am judging you. We are all here to support you.

It's always good to remember, that out of the wide range of suggestions and ideas people send you, you will relate to what is best for you! You can ignore those that do not fit your life and situation. But I would say, as far as I can see here, everybody supports you and wants what is best for you!

With best wishes and good luck, love from Elle ???

A few days ago , I lost £ 20.00 which I pulled form my bag along with some receipts..I don't care..maybe somebody found it and enjoyed it. I didn't feel the need to share this.

Things happen, Lessismore. I like your name and wish other posters would take note of the advice it contains.

Lessismore. Well said!
I agree with annodomini on both! So wish I could be concise!

It's so sad when one of us, a Grandmother, is scared of their AC's opinion of us. Very sad too when AC thinks it ok to lecture their parent on an unimportant issue.

No harm in having a goal Tillybelle

I had an episode like this with my son when I had remonstrated with his new au pair about the (lack of) care she was demonstrating towards my DGSs - I tried to explain that the girl was there for her own purposes rather that what she was employed to do, and he bellowed at me in front of the GSs because the au pair was upset.
A few months later the au pair was arrested on a charge of child abandonment having taken herself to a gym leaving my 8yr old, who was unwell, by himself. I never got an apology though, and like the OP hesitate to approach him with matters that are important to me.