Lost some confidence with my son

GabriellaG54
Me too. Just once when I had been ill. The AC decided they "knew" what was best for me and entirely messed up my house! It was very difficult because I didn't want to upset them as I felt they had been here doing something as a kindness, but they could have asked me if it was how things worked for me!! I'm disabled so some things have to be in places I can reach for example.

Anyway, I am careful, on the phone for example, about what I say in case they decide to come and "put it right" or that I am doing things all wrong!! I was widowed when they were young so I'm pretty much trained in looking after things!

A lot of my friends say that their children speak to them in ways (e.g. off-hand, disparaging,) they would never have dreamed of speaking to their parents. Do other people find this?

Is this another thread? - sorry!

Ianhandthemback, Yes. That's it. Actually he is cleverer than I although he will concede to me sometimes.

Tillybelle, my kind and clever son believes it's best to speak one's mind, and I agree that is best.Don't worry Tillybelle.

GG65 Spot-on

And thanks to everyone for your interest and interesting thoughts. I was doubtful if I should raise this trifling matter with the grans but it has been so worth while for all concerned. Than ks again.

PS I told him I had apologised to the seller and he said Ebay lets you withdraw a -ve feedback so I will try to find out how to do that.

Typo; don't worry, Tillybelle.

FarNorth, yes agreed, petty and manipulative BUT I've always found that the very best way to get my kids to rethink their attitude or behaviour is to appear hurt. It works like magic every time!

Thanks Alexa. I hope all goes well with no " awkward silences if I cannot tell him my news in case I get another put-down."

I do hope you do not give in to your son too easily and that you trust your own judgement. I maintain my view that it is not loving of an AC to make his Mother feel put down and so upset she is worrying about what will happen if she does not tell her news or is fearful of another lecture that makes her feel put down. A relationship between generations in a family is not good if you are unable to speak freely for fear of his speaking unkindly.

Your original post is not written as if you felt it was a trifling matter. I am concerned that you really were upset and had agonised over what to say. I am concerned that you have lost confidence here, maybe are scared of being put down again for not facing up to your son or maybe this is just getting too much, which is absolutely understandable. I do hope you feel that your first distress is resolved. By that I mean the feeling of being put down and not as good as your perfect granddaughter and the feeling of fear about how to or whether to tell him your news for fear of enduring another lecture and being put down. For someone to leave us in this state means they have a lot of power over us. If not you wouldn't care about the news and you wouldn't even notice he had lectured you and he would not have been able to make you feel "put down". His lecture has left you frightened to tell him your news, you have told us, you think it best to let things "settle down". Now, if this is trifling, it wouldn't have been stirred up enough to need to "settle down". You would not mention that there would be awkward silences if it was not a problem, and your words "I now feel I can't tell him my news in case I get another lecture and feel bad" are not trifling.

I do hope you find a place where you can get help so that you may feel confident about the decisions you make in your life and that you do not have to appease others or agree with them to avoid their "lecturing" you and making you "feel bad".

I'm sure everyone here sends you their best wishes and hopes all goes well regarding your news and how it is accepted and hopes that you receive no more lectures in which you are put down again!

Good luck.
Love from
Elle x ???

Tillybelle, it was a trifling matter, however that sort of 'conversation' happens now and again. it really is his delivery that troubles me. I usually try to ignore the tone of delivery and pay attention instead to what he is explaining . But just this once I thought the grans might help , which they have.

That's good. Thanks for taking the time to let me know.
I hope you'll find a way of laughing off his rather serious manner and not letting his delivery make you feel "put down".
I'm so glad you feel better, which I assume you do as the Grans have helped!
Best wishes and lots of love, Elle x ?

I am with GG65. Treat the AC children like friends. No need to pull the parent card as it does not work since respect cannot be demanded but is earned.

However I also believe in communicating that a certain tone of voice is hurtful and not acceptable (with anybody)

OP, I would advise to bring up your issue with DS sometime soon and let him know how it made you feel. He may apologise as he isn’t aware of his tone and the impact it had. Everybody makes mistakes.

Tillybelle, I was also widowed when my four were young so I'm used to being in charge. I was alarmed to feel the tables turning when I injured my back and needed some help.

It was suddenly as if I were the helpless child and they were the adults. (Of, course, they ARE adults but they assumed control.) It made me feel very old and helpless, treated as a naughty child if I did anything unwise that might hinder my recovery.

The 'pretending to be fine' phone calls, when actually I couldn't go out or even get up the stairs! I didn't want them to rush round and take over so I'd think 'OK, I'll cope, there's food in the fridge and I can crawl to the loo. The dog can miss her walk and I'll just take the painkillers and use the TENS machine today'.

Just because someone is more 'clever' than you, doesn't mean they are right in everything.

Lumarei, well said.