Unkind elderly parents

Agree.

I know from personal experience , some people of that generation , still favoured males ...?

It's harsh and unfair .

Especially when needs arrive, they often think that female children / spouses, should support them......

Each family unit needs to travel their own journey. Usually care in = care out . X

Bear in mind , we choose to have children and bring them up.

However for many , the support for ageing and often difficult parents can be different.

Christable...so sad for you. Lots of great advice on here and I agree the only thing you can do is distance yourself.

How do you get on with your brother?

My mum had a similar story with her mum (my Grandma) and her brother. I never knew what the true story was as I rarely saw her (my mum distanced herself) but after Grandma died..my mum and her brother got really close. My mum has now died but I am close to her brother now too.

Whatever is going on in your mother's head. Try not to let it affect your relationship with your brother. (unless he is nasty to you too?)

I know exactly how you feel Carillion, it took a lot to write this out at the beginning, it makes me feel extremely sad. Counselling was suggested earlier on but I’d be a mess talking about the years of hurt. I get by by acting strong and try to get on with it. I’d love to have it out with them. But that would be pointless! I’m not strong enough...
That is why I put it on here to see if anyone else has the same. I take comfort in the fact I’m not the only one it’s happening to.
I’m going to make small changes. Visit less regular. And look after myself and my family. (I do think there’s an element of jealousy with the parents-my boys have turned out very well I’m so proud of them. And my brothers son is a good for nothing layabout. Even though they are always telling me how intelligent he is!!)

What CaroDane describes is in my experience also and I'd like to write more of it today but I just can't. X

Lesley60, I'd believe you too.
Christable, sometimes in your life you have to walk away, especially if you've done all you could. It's difficult to wonder for years how lots of people have wonderful relationships but you don't.

The best thing in my life was when I met and married my dear DH from whom I've always received the kindest and unswerving unconditional love.
Look after yourself.

Lesley60
I know some people would believe you.

I would

I’m 61 and I haven’t spoken to my mother in 42 years, she is extremely toxic and narcissistic, and feel she would have made both mine and my daughters lives hell if she had been involved in them, there have been times when I’ve really needed a mother. divorce, miscarriage illness etc but I knew she would never have helped or supported me or my family.
If I said half the things she had said or done nobody would believe me.
I think if someone in your life is toxic cut them out who needs it, I’ve never missed her but I did miss having a loving mum, but my wonderful husband ,daughters and grandkids have more than made up for her.

Chritable,
I know exactly where you are coming from.
My husband sister was always the favourite, as were her children. They got the long weekend holidays, the days out, they were always doing so well at school. I felt for my husband and our children.
My daughter once asked me why she was never asked to stay over at her grandmas like her friends do.
It is heartbreaking for the children what do you say.
When it came to later years it was my husband who was there for his mother and father.
We can't change people like this the only thing you can do is make the very best life you can for your husband and children and be happy.

Look, you are not going to change your parents now.

Either you tell them, that no more help will be forthcoming from you because you are sick to the back teeth of their attitude to you and the fact that they have always preferred your brother or you will have to grin and bear it.

In your place, I would have left my parents to fend for themselves. You don't owe them anything, you know. They had children either because they wanted them or by accident. You didn't ask to be born, or choose them.

You have your own family, who you love, and who love you, so see as little as possible of your parents.

grammaretto, You should have a real conversation with your son, I’d hate for the air not to be cleared and him to really feel you do favour his sister

It sounds appalling and only hope this be a warning to us all as parents and grandparents to never, never become like these biased, racists sound. I really pity you having to put up with this. Good advice here to give them a wide berth.

I sensed recently when with my eldest son, that he felt I was inclined to favour his sister over him and his children. He made a barbed comment which I tried to brush aside.

I hope I don't but the wee ones are so cute at present with their antics . Oh dear. I guess I expect the older brother/uncle to be as interested as we are.

I should know better. DM favoured my brother but at least there were 2 of us (the ugly sisters) and we could laugh about it. She was also of a generation who thought every mother wants a son. When I was born, the second DD and I was told this! My DF said " we can always try again for a boy"

I once had a 'friend' who was evil to DD1 and openly favoured DD2, blamed DD1 on the death of her DM and cut her out of her will. Now, DD1 is a lovely and kind girl, lifetime best friends with my DD and did not deserve the treatment she was given. It upset her so much that she had counselling, whereupon she was told the best way to cope with this treatment was to treat her mum like a business colleague, be polite but don't let her hurt the girl's feelings. It worked for her, she takes her DDs to see their grandparents but she doesn't engage with them and has come to accept that this is the way it will be.

BTW, we stopped being friends with her mum (can't say DM!) 15 years ago as we couldn't condone this kind of abuse. Which is great because the girl is like a DD to me instead and she loves us as if we were her parents.

Christabele We used to joke and place bets on when we met my parents, how long it would be before they mentioned my brothers name. Average time - Eight seconds!
Don't think of them as your parents, refer to them by their Christian names instead of mum and dad. It helps to take the sting out of it. Be happy. You sound like a lovely person who's doing a great job in their own family. As someone else said the best way of dealing with this is using your parents as an example of how not to parent x

Omg CaroDane your experience is the same as mine apart from your ending but guarantee it will turn out the same.
I did once try to speak to them. A complete waste of time. They are obsessed. They phone him everyday to check he’s ok (a 55yr old man!) never phone me. If I’m in their presence and he texts everything stops to read out with glee. Don’t even reply to my texts!! They over speak me when I talk as if what I have to say is worthless.
Honestly I could write a book about it!!

It has made me unwell in the past with stomach problems caused by the stress. I’m glad of your advice in general ladies and will make a distance for my own well being.

Sorry, I. Reply to lessismore

Gosh, how true this is. My grandmother was a nightmare, never a kind word, always screaming at us, But expected us to show up and present ourselves to her. Wasn’t she in for a shock when we all stopped going. No one deserves abuse. Even by family.

My parents always favoured my brother and from the day he was born I became invisible. My father was so delighted he had a son to carry on the family name. My parents worshipped the ground my brother walked on and extended that to his wife and their children. My family were virtually ignored.
Fast forward and guess who was expected to look after the elderly parents. Me. Brother wife and family too busy despite living ten minutes away.
Did my parents appreciate what me and my family did for them?! Not one jot. They were like that until the day they died. In fact my mother died first at home and within half an hour of arriving I watched my father give my brother's wife ALL my mother's family jewellery. He gave me and my children absolutely nothing.
Live your life well and be happy with your own family. Your narcissistic parents will never change. Don't do what I did and feel guilt tripped into looking after them. They never loved me they only ever loved my brother and its taken years for me to accept it.

Look after your own wonderful family and leave them to it. Visit when it suits you, don't invite them for Christmas and look forward to your own grandchild. You are obviously a far better parent than your own have been and will be a far better grandparent and mother in law too. There is a myth that all old people are benign, smiling, kindly cuddly souls, many are far from this.

People think elders will be benign and kind. Often they are anything but.

Just saw your other posts, Chris. I agree it's time to stop doing for your parents since they clearly don't appreciate it. If you somehow feel as if you still need to b/c of their age, etc., please do only what's easy and comfortable for you to do. And definitely don't invite them for Christmas. Let them wonder why (maybe) you didn't. IMO, you don't need the negativity they bring at your Christmas, anyway.

" Usually I let it go but I felt like they ridiculed my son and dil with snide remarks. I saw red."

So would I. But this is worse than "ridicule," as bad as that is. From what you told us, it's racism. No need for you or your DS and DIL to tolerate that. I hope you feel free to speak up if it happens again.

I agree w/ distancing rather than a complete cut off. However, if they continue to express racist ideas, I would keep them out of the new baby's life as much as possible. That's more up to DS and DIL, of course, than it is to you.

Brilliant advice yes enough is enough. I feel happier just reading this, thank you. I am 57 so therefore I should be able to handle it. Usually I let it go but I felt like they ridiculed my son and dil with snide remarks. I saw red. Think there’s no turning back now.
Yes Tangerine my 2 sons see it. They think my parents are obsessed with my brother also. If they visit them (which is rare now) their grandparents spend all the time telling them how wonderful my brother is. How amazing is gf is. So therefore they so it as a waste of their time. It’s a terrible shame as my boys are very descent men and understanding.
Makes me adamant never to be like them. Just be interested in your family, it’s not much to ask??!!

Crossed posts with Bradford

I think Nams is absolutely right. They will never change for the better but only get worse - more unkind and demanding. They will never be the parents, grandparents and great grand parents you wish for and it’s hard and sad to accept this. However, you are still relatively young and should think about the rest of your life. Your parents behaviour has the capacity to overshadow the rest of your life long after they have died - I guess for example the will will reflect their feelings as well and only add to the problems. I’ve heard of family favouritism of course but this sounds so extreme. I’m finding it hard to explain what I really mean but it’s something on the lines that you need to start protecting yourself from the emotional harm they are doing to you and you family.As others say, stop doing anything for them - that taking time off for hospital appointments - what was going on there? Why do you feel the need to help? Why keep asking about Christmas ? Why allow yourself to be frankly abused? You are worth more than that - your sense of self worth should not depend on saying to yourself that you are doing the right thing by your parents. You can never do the right thing by people who forever do the wrong thing by you. I hesitantly think if you can afford it might be seeing a counsellor help you break the ties of this toxic relationship?

I've just posted on another thread about my own regrets about misplaced sympathy and my need to try and please my awkward, often unpleasant mother. (a losing battle)

Your problem has been going on all your life Christable and it is never, ever going to get any better.

Accept that now, protect yourself and your loving little family.
Let the old people do what they wish - but make your own arrangements, especially about Christmas and BBQs, in a way that makes for a happy time and not one of conflict.

Grasp the nettle dear Christable - and put your happiness and your family first - enough is enough

If they make hurtful comments I think you should say' I think that is rather rude/ insulting/ hurtful' Don't let them get away with it.