Dumped by text message

bradfordlass Probably was the first discard a day before my birthday April 2018. That was in person. Second discard was by text in April 2019.

I must be a masochist...no more!

This looks a very familiar story, have you posted before OP?

Hello, this is my first post on gransnet. Trueblue, I am sorry you had that experience, it sounds awful. I once got dumped online by a man that I was crazy about and it took me decades to get over it. It took me a long time to realize that truly it wasn't me, it was him (wanting to date younger, more attractive women). My self esteem has never been great but at some point in my life it sunk in that nobody deserves to be treated like that. Integrity isn't a selective, case-by-case process. A man either has integrity toward others in general as ingrained moral behavior (a.k.a. character), or else is capable of taking advantage of anyone as it suits him. Some men are just messed up. My daughter calls these types of men "life wreckers."

The best marriages and relationships I know of are between people who are capable of love to begin with, and that is not easy to find. Love to me means being able to care about someone else's happiness and well-being on par with one's own. For some people, it just isn't in them to care about others except in relation to themselves (narcissism) and you can't change them, it is a losing game.

The responses to your post have been lovely and very wise I think. Loneliness is hard. You sound like an amazing person with alot to give, and I hope you find someone worthy of your attention, soon!

As far as counselors go, I would be very wary in general. Just because someone has a degree doesn't mean they know what they are talking about. It might be good to shop around for someone else to talk with.

Dating is like fishing, if you get a poor fish, just throw him back and keep trying.

Good wishes your way!

Don’t chase after him in case you catch him . He will probably come whinging back soon .Remember revenge is a dish best served cold .

It looks like you fell for a bad boy.
I am glad he showed his true colours so fast

Tantra or not he still sounds a piece of work! Be strong and keep him out of your life. You deserve better. Xx

Thank you Elle for your kind positive words. I do feel quite felled at the moment, but all you lovely, wise gransnetters are helping to lift me out of my sadness & depression.

He made me question myself, but I see had was using and manipulating me. I'm not that much of a pushover and am aware of the sharks out there who want to prey on vulnerable women.

He is well-known on a certain dating site- has been out with a couple of people I know who warned me off. I even contacted an ex girlfriend of his on IG who said "..best avoided. He can be grandiose & difficult. He paid back money I lent him.. "

I always do due diligence, but my emotions were getting the better of me. Oh and btw, he goes to tantra events....hence the excellent bedroom manner!

trueblue22 Sorry! How come I missed page 2? OK your Therapist has her viewpoint. But does she understand yours? I mean, how could she be so judgemental? She would have been better to have asked you, if you could see if from his point of view, your message might have come across a certain way?
She's not my type of Counsellor. There are so many kinds. I think a person needs support, understanding and where they will benefit, gentle suggestions regarding insight on the effect they may have on others.

She has not bothered to find out about this man. That is clear. You do have a lot of insight into him now. I think he is displaying narcissistic behaviour. That, to put it simply, means, he's selfish and thinks the world should revolve around him. You have described a few things about him which show he is not thinking of you or your feelings before his own.
I do hope the excellent comments here (so many I won't name them) are cheering you up! You need to rely on us Grans! We are old enough to have seen life and know what people are like!!
Lots of love, Treat yourself!!
Elle x

He's messing you about. Read 'The Rules' - you are worth more than this! No more what if and looking back. Block his number and any other contacts. Move on with life. [I know this sounds harsh but You are letting him hurt you - stop now]

trueblue22
I'm so very sorry that this insensitive man has been so hurtful to you. I apologise that I did not see your message yesterday, I was out.
I do hope your visit to your Counsellor has helped a lot. You sound as if you really deserve emotional support. I was widowed young and also met a man who called me "Darling" and "Sweetheart" which my husband never did. But he was not at all right for me and took advantage of me terribly. We are terribly vulnerable when we have been widowed. These men can appear so very loving and kind. But they are in it for themselves, believe me. If I suggest anything, it would be not to contact him. It would just upset you. But you will know best, I really believe that.
I know how dreadful the pain is at the moment, but you must not add to it by blaming yourself. You have done nothing wrong at all! You are a kind, clever, sensitive and public spirited lady! Please do start respecting yourself for all the great things you do and have achieved! Moreover, love yourself! You know that you are kind and caring, give that kindness to yourself, you deserve it.
As time goes on, you will be able to find the parts of yourself that have grown stronger through this experience and you will feel more confident. It will fall into place as an interesting episode in which you discovered some very helpful things. In my experience, these things aren't what people expect! I realised just how much I knew and was able to do through having to cope with a very tricky man, for example.
God bless you Trueblue! I feel confident that you will get through this! Meanwhile, take life gently and give yourself treats. Lots of love, Elle x ?☕️?

I look forward to seeing your paintings. I'm glad you feel better and you will move on and life will be great again. I've been there so I know what I'm talking about and what you are going through. Take care and best wishes for the future. Xx

Oh pernillavanilla you make me feel so much better with your insights. I always had it in the back of my mind that he could be a covert narcissist.

He doesn't come across as grandois, but he does have an inflated opinion of himself. He reads complicated books, hasn't watched tv in 30 years (he's too intellectual) and seems to think he is a great undiscovered artist. He is good, but not great. He had two life coach businesses called Planet Bliss Club and Creative Dreams...can't get his own life in order...go figure!!

I started painting in watercolour this year, for the first time in over 50 years, and he and others were surprised how good I was...I surprised myself!

Going to Life Class in the Autumn and will post my art on IG, like I have with watercolours and shine in the adulation...

I feel better already having the scales fall from my eyes

Take the good bits from your memories of him to make you smile in quiet moments. Scoundrels can be great fun but they are not 'keepers'. You could decide that you 'practiced' on him and learned some interesting new skills. Now you are ready to think about the sort of person you would really like to have in your life. You will know him when he arrives and he will love you more than he loves himself. My mother used to say you might have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet your prince. Good luck.

Let's not forget that the therapist's feedback is based on a full picture, not a partial view we get from the OP's comments here.

No don’t think you have lost your marbles at all, but this man definitely isn’t the man for you. Better it happened now than later: wishing you all the best and happiness for the future

You are still young and have many adventures yet to come.
The hurt will gradually fade and life will go on. You met him so soon after your bereavement and in a way he helped you to get over it. Now you are stronger and can get on with your life.

Your therapist sounds hopeless - does she have any qualifications ? Much better advice on here. It hurts now but you will get over him. Good luck !

Please, please take the advice you're getting from us. Lots of us have been there, done that, and survived. Particularly, do what WhyWhyWhy says and get rid of the therapist. We have life experience and she probably hasn't!!
No question of getting back with him either. It would all repeat itself over and over. Besides, if you can attract one man then you can attract others. In the meantime a glass of wine or two and a good book.

TrueBlue, please don't take your therapists advice, she sounds like a confident strong woman who has never experienced what you have. You know that you phoned him like that because you had a gut feeling, trust that gut feeling, it doesn't make you controlling, just aware and cautious. Listen instead to all the lovely ladies on here who have been through it, who know what that vulnerability feels like, how it feels to reach out for that happiness that has gone, and to feel fresh love for it to be abused in such a cynical way. Real love will come your way, but not with a man who is highly attracted to younger women, but settles for an older one that will have him and look after him. Always remember you deserve to be treated fairly and well. Cx

I think you have had a lucky escape, as he has shown his true colours just in time. If he had rented off you, and you had then fallen out, there could have been trouble.

Get rid of the therapist, better advice on here. Take care x

Can I be your therapist trueblue? I'll tell you he is a narcissistic unfeeling shit of a man who has lead a spectacularly unsuccessful life and thinks a little bit of charm will compensate for all his failings. He has probably ratcheted up your feelings of insecurity to give himself a source of "supply" when you get upset. In dumping you by text he has shown you who he really is and you should take heed.

If he is narcissistic he will try to "hoover" you up again, don't let yourself be hurt again.

As for you? you seem to be a well balanced individual who has made something of your life through hard work and prudently managing your finances. I strongly suspect that in 2 years time or thereabouts you will be the happy one and he will be languishing in his bedsit, at over 70 having bee relabelled by those who meet him from a charming flirt to a straightforward dirt old man.

After reading your post twice I'll be honest and say that it's never going to work.
Too many break-ups. You seem more needy than he does and his use of a few endearments isn't a strong enough basis to support a normal relationship.
The fact that you rushed into intimacy and over-valued the words he spoke, tells me that your late DH wasn't the same kind of man and this 'new' impoverished artist cum journo has bowled you over with a kind of romantic, attic-artist laissez-faire attitude.
You are in danger of paying for love and romance (often not meant) with your money and other generousities.
Please take off the rose tinted specs and make friends, learn about the people you interact with and if you meet someone in future, dig into their background - Google is your friend.
Keep your money and property firmly behind closed doors. Don't tell everyone who talks the talk and makes you feel special.
When they've got what they want you'll be left poorer, in more ways than one.
It may hurt for a while but a knock now is better than a stab in the back down the line.
Best wishes and count yourself lucky.

I’d listen to your head, not your heart. There’s some great advice on here. I would sack the therapist who has made you question yourself and, as I understand it, suggested that you’ll get back with him. Totally unhelpful. Quite honestly you are far better off with the comments from fellow GNs who have been widowed and had similar experiences.

Leave him now. My ex could be very charming to every new person he met, even keep it up if that person was "useful" to him. But there was a heartless and cruel side which showed he wanted money.
They go smoothly from one partner to another and don't expect to be questioned. You BF wanted your apartment (are you sure he would pay rent?) but he also wanted to, live his life like a single man. You know at least one woman has escaped him, are there more? There usually are.
My ex went through two long term relationships after me, both for his convenience, to get money to build a business that went bust and another to buy a nice house he thought he deserved. He still lived a single life and both relationships were disastrous. Lawyers do well out of these relationships