Confront sister about greed or let it rest

If a will has gone to probate it's very easy to get a copy online very cheaply,

I agree with sodapop -you think you have been unfairly and wrongly treated. Will you ever come to terms with what she ''got'' if you do not confront her?

At the end of the day it is only 'stuff'. Maybe your mother felt intimidated by your sister. Your mother would be upset to think your sister had the power to make you unhappy. take back your power by seeing it as only 'stuff'. Liberate yourself to leave feelings of unfairness and bitterness behind and enjoy the rest of your life.

My fairly wealthy sister used to put on a sob story to my mum to get money off her. She made up many stories about how hard up she and her dh were. Amongst other things, she once told her that her dh was only earning £100 a week and she didn’t know what they were going to do, so mum handed over money to help out.... think my sister only had 5 holidays abroad that year!! Mum did tell me about my poor sister’s dh, but not that she had handed over money, which I only found out about after mum’s death. When I pointed out the story about my bil’s job was utter rubbish and he had spent more than that in the local club the previous weekend, she tried to give me money, as I and my family did virtually everything for her, including personal care. After mum died she had to have first pick of things as she was the eldest, but was only interested in things of monetary value, not sentimental value.

You say that you think sister wants a closer friendship with you but obviously this isn’t going to be possible while you feel like this. Please be honest with her & say how you feel about everything, don’t just ask for a token item as this will still throw up issues because you’ll know you have just settled & the balance is still in her favor.

Things will go one of two ways so you may as well be as open & honest as you can & get everything completely out in the open, Personally I would write down how I feel before the conversation so I could go over it till I knew I’d got it right in my own head exactly what’s important & what I want to say, as often we say things that aren’t important ‘beating around the bush’ as they say, just to get to the bits that are.

The onus seems to be on you when actually I think it should be on your sister,
1) to do the right thing, for as you have said she’s already acknowledged that she’s had the lions share & she must know this isn’t right!
2) she wants a closer relationship with you so she should be putting things right to help make that happen & proving to you that you matter to her.
Talk to her, if it goes south then you’ll know that she only wanted the friendship because it benefits her & not because she values you & your feelings.
We can’t always have our cake & eat it which it seems is what she’s trying to do, be my friend but let me still get away with this wrong that I’ve done!
If she puts the balance right then you’ll know that she really does love you & you’ll feel so much better about not only getting some of the items but that you have a genuine equal honest friendship/ love of each other.
If it goes wrong then you’ll know that she doesn’t feel the same for you as you seem to feel for her & nobody wants that in any relationship so don’t waste your energy on it.
I do wish you the best & hope that your sister steps up & proves herself.

I agree with gonegirl, keep it light, pleasant but certainly be honest with her, tell her how hurt you feel. Avoid accusing her. Say how sad it is that your mum's actions could have caused a dreadful rift. That way she will know how you feel and hopefully address the inequality. Whatever the outcome you will have said something and you will feel better for that. My own mother gave away so many items that meant a lot to me, it was deliberate, if she didnt get her own way off would go jewellery, ornaments etc to my brother's family & others, then she'd delight in telling me. I'd to hide my hurt. It upset my dad but as her dementia became apparent this side of her dominated. Now I see many of these things from my childhood at my brother's house, some have been sold off. I have mentioned how much one item meant to me but it was water off a ducks back. I decided not to let mum ruin our relationship from the grave and put it aside as something I cannot change. It has helped to read how many others are in the same boat though, makes it more bearable.

I agree totally with GoldenAge Sun 01-Sep-19 12:36:39

My sister cheated me out of my share of my mother’s money. After my father died my sister decided to move my mother nearer to her. As Mums property would not cover the cost of the new one, my sister said she and her husband would pay the difference but they put the whole property in their name. My mother was very upset said she didn’t know what she was signing. My sister was wealthy but ruled and abused by her husband. My husband and I had always been poor but happy. My sister said she would make it up to me in her will but when she died her husband got everything. However money doesn’t mean happiness.

We’re going through this at the moment and it’s more difficult because step siblings are involved. We were determined not to have any issues and just rise above things but a misunderstanding over cutlery has caused a lot of trouble and left me feeling the bad one! I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s unavoidable in these circumstances, sadly.

There were questions over the disposal of our parents possessions which was handled by my older sister and husband, but we let it go rather than fall out which would have upset mum more. Part of the trouble is that it has to be dealt with straight away but we were still too shocked and grieving to think clearly.

Mebster - you say your sister now wants to be close but you find resentment getting in the way. Fast-forward in your life and decide what you want in ten years' time - do you want a relationship with your sister or not, do you want to feel that resentment for ever and let it eat away at you? As a bereavement counsellor I have heard your story many times and seen how it can end. Several people have advised you not to confront her but there's no way you will ever put this feeling of injustice to rest if you don't. Put your perception of her as a money grabber out of your mind and stick with her open acknowledgement that she has always received more than you - make that the starting point of your conversation and refer directly to your belief that if your mum had not suffered with dementia and not known what was going on around her, maybe the wonderful gold necklace would have ended up with you - that will set her thinking. Then I think the advice you have been given about being specific and saying that as the person who has always received less you feel you have some entitlement to try to redress that balance so that you can go forward in a close and trusting relationship. This is where you can identify certain items that you would like to be offered before they go out of the family as you put it. And you can make it plain that you believe you have a rightful claim to them and are not a potential buyer. If your sister doesn't respond to this then you can't ever find yourself in a trusting and close relationship with her. You have to confront these feelings.

When our parents died within 3 months of each other we 3 elder sisters agreed that our youngest sister ( there where 4 of us) our younger sister was unmarried and lived with our parents.The family home was willed to be split between the 4 of us in equal values when sold but we 3 elder sisters decided to pass it over to youngest sister as she no other means of getting onto the housing ladder and buying a house even with a share of the house sale so we made the deeds over to her.
She was not in the house 12 months before she put it up for sale and made a massive profit and refused to give anyone a share,we where all lucky enough to be financially secure but a token amount would have been nice.
This sister moved away abroad and we have very little contact with her now,its a shame as we are all getting older and should have the contact with all our siblings at this time of our lives.

If there is a particular item, then ask - esp since she has acknowledged. “As you have almost all of mums jewellery could you please give me the gold watch/ ruby ring -whatever as I’d really like to have it and you have so much”. You might succeed in that.
I think you need to be direct and really specific.
I think asking generally for a fair share will just cause an argument and as most have said, let it go, unless you are really really struggling financially and it really would make the world of difference but you don’t seem to be in that position.

Hubby's brother did exactly the same thing. We were away when his dad died and when we got back the whole house had been cleared, with most of the stuff having been sold. The only thing we had was a grandmother clock which has pride of place on our living room wall. the same thing happened when his mum died. they cleared everything of value from the house, one evening, without telling hubby that they were going there. Just move on, because if you don't the strained relationship you have now will develop into a chasm which you won't be able to close.

I can sympathise with your resentment. I actually got a friend to buy back off ebay stuff my sister in law was selling of my mother's. My mother recently died and my sister won't even let me have copy of will. I just think myself and my daughters were given things by my mother through her life as I understand from your post you were too. Please try for your own sake to stop thinking of the unfairness. Your sister doesn't feel anything about this as you have contact and relationship. I haven't got a relationship with my sister as I can't accept all she's done. You can be like me and breathe easier as she isn't in your life or value your sister in your life and all you have had from your mother and lock the resentment away.

What is done is done. Think of the future. would you rather go to your grave having caused a family division which may go on for generations or have been generous enough to accept your sister's actions and keep a reasonable but not close relationship with her.

In our family we still have a childless second or third cousin who believes a maiden great aunt and her mother spent the family's fortune which should have been used to support the cousins widowed grandmother!!!

I have had a genealogist search for the money through looking at wills. There wasn't any!!! The maiden great aunt's mother had a trust fund from her father that only she could use on her needs, due probably to the fact that her husband was hopeless with money and had none hnce his son had none and when his son died there was no money for the widow.

Just amazing how this cousin still hates my dead great aunt!!

Sorry, but I would probably have it out with her in no uncertain terms, tell her what a grabbing cow she is, and then don’t give her another minute’s thought. But that’s just me...

If you had let go I don’t think you’d be writing this. So telling you to let go seems a bit pointless. What I would say is two things a) confrontation doesn’t have to be nasty or aggressive and b) I would never allow anything to divert my truth. So I would be smiling chatting and drop truth in in very small doses for example ‘ x ( your son) seems to be itching to get his hands on mums stuff doesn’t he ? Not even his ! ‘. Or ‘we both know what you did i don’t like to think of you as that sort of person really’. Well I’m disappointed you’re not the person I thought you were’. ‘ when we were children I thought you were loyal .

What sort of relationship can you have if it depends on lies and you ignoring the elephant in the room. Even if you don’t ask for half, at least let her know what your truth is which can be said very matter of fact.

I confronted my mum about an inheritance issue so quietly she wasn’t sure she’d heard me right. I said ‘you might not have given me anything of my dad and GP ( dad side) but I think it has brought you bad luck ( she has lost a huge fortune in her life, and is left with very little) . I’m not nasty but I’m not going to pretend I think it’s fine.

I wonder if it’s more to do with how loved you felt? There has been great inequity in my family with my sister who was much closer to my Mother than I, ensuring that she has been the major recipient of my Mother’s possessions. In reality it is just stuff though, and now that my Mother is dead and my sister has ended up estranged from most of the family (including her son and grandchildren) I count myself really fortunate to have had a loving relationship with my Father and Grandparents as well as having good relationships and spending a lot of time with my children and grandchildren. It’s the quality of the relationships we leave behind us which seem, to me, to be the most important and enduring things.

This so often happens in families - one expects more in possessions from parents than the other - happened with two of my cousins - both now have nothing to do with each other.
I think you have to come to terms with the fact that those items have gone, whatever and whoever has possession.
Now decide if you want to get closer to your sister - I get the feeling that you don't - just in case some of your possessions given to you by your mum get weaseled away!
Personally, I'd keep her on the same terms as you are now - don't think you will ever trust her, sister or not and I wouldn't have any problem telling her why !

Let it go, remember the happy times and forget the ‘stuff’ however precious or fond of it you are/were. Your children won’t want it or value it in the same way you do and as the old saying goes..’shrouds don’t have pockets’.

My best friend's mother recently had to go into a care home and her flat had to be emptied and sold to help pay care home fees. Friend has a sister who lives at the opposite end of country and, in the last 20 years, has only visited their mother a handful of times and has had no input into her 24/7 care or choosing an appropriate home for her; this has fallen entirely to friend.

As soon as sister became aware that the flat was being emptied, she arrived at their mother's flat, let herself in and cleared it of anything of value; war medals from their father, jewellery, small items of value etc. She did it within a couple of hours, saying nothing to my friend and had vanished with the everything of value before my friend even knew she'd been in the area. She left the flat in such a mess whilst she'd ransacked the place that my friend thought their had been a burglary and was about to the call the police. It was only cctv footage from the concierge of the flags that they discovered the culprit.

There's seems to be no depth too low that some people will sink where money is concerned.

Contrary to popular opinion, if I was in your place I would say something, and next time she admits to her greed tell her maybe she should give some back, but that is just my opinion.

Greed is a horrible trait, it's like a disease and has ruined many a person's life. It's usually those who don't need anything that are the most avaricious-----hence the word, greed !
I have a few tales to tell, but I won't bore you to death.

You need to stop looking at it as “your share”

These things never belonged to you. They were your mothers.

In a perfect world, you’d have gotten half, but the world is far from perfect.

Confront your sister if you’ll feel better, but you need to work on letting it go, for your sake. If you let go the relationship with her too, then so be it.