I've let down my inlaws and my marriage

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I don't think you gave up on your marriage. You did the only sensible thing and binned it. Good for you. Must have taken courage.

If the in-laws moved close to you just so you could look after them, you have had a lucky escape imo. Let your husband do any looking after of his own parents.

Enjoy your present life, walk with your head, be your own person. I admire you. Well done and all the best to you.

head high

You're well out of that marriage - amazing that it lasted so long. You need to put YOU first - you don't owe anyone any explanations, not even your children! As others have said, get legal advice, change the locks and look for counselling for yourself for emtional support whilst you negotiate the tricky road ahead; time to lean on good friends and be HONEST about what's gone on (women in abusive relationships - and wow that really was abusive - often hide what's going on from friends and family; time to stop all that). But get the legal side sorted out ASAP>

I think you need to see a councillor and get this sorted out .this is domestic abuse...he is a bully. and you don't need that .you wre right to kick him out. as for inlaws well maybe a family conference is needed..

Having Fibromyalgia you need to be in a calm situation to give your body the best chance of recovering. Stress is likely to exhaust you and over stimulate your immune and nervous systems which are malfunctioning in this condition. Be kind to yourself. You have been in a situation where you have been treated very unkindly. Don’t internalise critical voices and blame yourself. In the community, people don’t really care much about other people’s lives and soon forget. You have a responsibility to enable your children to have a relationship with their father and grandparents but you are not responsible for your husband’s parents care. It would be extremely difficult to do that when you have to support yourself and your children while being unwell yourself. Do not rely upon them to validate your perspective. It may be too difficult for them. You know what the truth is. Validate yourself. Be calm. Self soothe. Take all the legal steps people here recommend and find support from women in the same situation if you need it. Good luck.

I am so very sad to read what you have been through but as others have said, you have been in an abusing relationship and been brainwashed by him.
Having worked for Citizens Advice and having therefore dealt with cases such as yours, I would strongly advise an appointment with them before seeing a solicitor.
You’ll get all the information you’ll need to make decisions about your future and it won’t cost you anything to begin with. It helps to order things in your head.
I was in a verbally abusive relationship for 11 years and it wasn’t until I did a course on abuse that I realised I had been brainwashed to believe it was all my fault.
I wish you every happiness in the future and that you find the peace that you deserve.

There is a great deal of good advice in the various posts.
Please remember the abused rarely recognise the level of abuse that they have been subjected to
Children are often used by abusers as a control mechanism
Being abused is very isolating. Seek help and support from support groups and, if you have managed to retain any, friends.
Remember none of it was your fault.

Bird40 you haven't let anyone down - it is you that's been let down. You have an abusive husband who has been playing mind games. He will not change and he probably gets satisfaction from seeing you unhappy and at a loss because it makes him look good (or so he thinks in his sad twisted way). I was married to such a man who revealed his true self as soon as I stopped paid work to raise our family (at his insistence I might add) he would make lists of 'my faults' as he saw them & make cruel remarks to me all the time putting on a show for others. He too had warnings from work due to his arrogant attitude to rules - he was never, ever wrong nor would he apologise. Life became hell, he threatened to take the children away from me etc. But although I put a brave face on things others weren't fooled, when I started to admit what was happening they were supportive and most of all, they believed me. You need to stop covering up for his appalling behaviour and protect your sanity by telling your GP, getting legal advise and support from organisations. Keep a diary as you may need to provide information in due course. Don't be afraid, get counselling for yourself if you can it's a real help. It will help you gain the confidence you need right now, it won't be an easy path but it will be a better path than the one you've had. Your children will mature and grow to realise the hell you've endured. You are stronger than you know - you can do this. My ex, well he divorced me because no woman was going to divorce him! I got counselling & she really threw light on his mental state (narcissistic) which answered a lot for me. I was roughly the same age as you too at the time of the divorce. You cannot worry about your in laws to be blunt, they're his problem - don't carry that extra load right now. And don't make excuses for him - there are none. I wish you well, stay strong.

Bird, no way have you failed. You've done so well to achieve as much as you have.
Don't expect to much give from the in-laws. Mine never saw me again, and after a while, saw nothing of the kids. No cards/presents, nothing.
Find yourself a de-stresser x

I just wanted to say Bird40 that you owe NO ONE and explanation for the breakdown of your marriage, not even your pleasant in-laws. I hope after some time has elapsed you'll be able to be a helpful and friendly DIL to them again.

You know the truth and I am so glad you say you feel better now he is no longer in the house.

That is a move in a positive direction I feel. No one, man or woman, should endure bad treatment or lack of respect.

The children do love their father, naturally, so do not bad mouth him in front of them, but explain gently that you can all be happy again because Mummy and Daddy won't be cross with each other any more. Distract them from the idea of separation if they are too young to grasp what is going on. Make it a positive move. You may have to be more attentive but try to make the house a happy home for them once more. I hope your husband will continue to see his children.

I wish you well and hope you gain in strength both physically and mentally from off-loading a man who seemed to delight in damaging you. Good luck.

A few years ago I could have written this post myself. I have Fibromyalgia and ME, plus osteoporosis. I'm 39.One of my daughters us from a rough non consensual union.

It's bloody hard to get them out.
You've done the hardest part - honestly.
Treat yourself well and kindly. It sounds like your children are older than mine.
They must have seen or heard him behave unreasonably. No one has the right to call you mental or force you into sex when you don't want it.
It sound to me like he has beaten you down physically and mentally over the years.
It's hard to pull back from that. Especially with the added strain Fibro leaves you feeling.
Go to the mirror. Say to yourself " I have worth. My needs and wants are important and I deserve to be happy.". Every day. Feels daft, but it's true.
You have suffered systematic abuse for years. Time to remind yourself you deserve better.

The relief is amazing. Don't feel bad or guilty about this feeling.

Women's aid are a great help. So is counselling. Rely on your friends a little.

You need to let your GP know about what's happened. It will be hard to talk about but it needs to go on record.

Legal advise to protect your finances and the roof over your head is another huge step but one you need to crack on with.

With regards to your in laws, find a time to visit when they are alone. Have a frank talk about everything that's happened - another difficult conversation. Let them know that you would like to maintain a relationship with them, but they need to understand what their son is like. He will move on to them most likely - it's a habit he clearly can't control. He is only happy when he can be a narcissistic arse to someone.

The children need yo starts seeing you as fun and enjoying yourself and with them. They need to see you happier without his controlling ways.
If they say Daddy doesn't know what he's done say he does and that's why he had to leave. Say Mommy is happier and relaxed and in a better place without him. Give them a hug and show them the fun you. It's still there. Just bruised and battered.

Good luck. You can now enjoy life xx

Your husband must be quite older than you as his son is 28 and you are only 40.
Why did his other relationships break down? Was it because he bullied his first partner?
I think this man is the worst of people, playing mind games with you to the point you are apologising and not knowing what you have done.
You did the right thing by getting rid of him and please do not let guilt for his parents make you take him back. He is already using your children to get into your head.

He most definitely does NOT have aspergers to any degree. He is a manipulator and always will be, I'm quite sure his mother already knows why you have got rid and I'm sure when he left home she felt the relief you are feeling now.

I also really take issue with the inlaws moving a great distance so YOU can look after them. My parents are very elderly and they don't want my help other than to order prescriptions once a month and buy daft things on eBay (never over £8 - as that is just extortion). You were already doing enough.

Please remain strong and however much you waver DO NOT give in.

As for what he says about you behind your back, who cares! You have your freedom and that is worth so much more that idle tittle tattle and keeping up appearances.

Good luck to you xx

Bird40 - well done you for doing what clearly needed to be done. Don't look back. As you health and sanity recover you will also be able to be a fun parent as well. Give it time.

As for your In-Laws. Write them a letter. Explain to them that you have tried so very hard to make it work, but that you just cannot be in the relationship any longer. Don't criticise their son, even if it warrants it. Not at this point anyway. Explain that they have been wonderful in laws, and that you are extremely sad at the end of the marriage, and fully hope they will maintain a full part of their grand children's lives. This should appease any worries they have, and by not blaming their son, even if he isn't being so fair regards to you, you are coming off as the better, more adult person. If they ask you a direct question, then of course be honest, but tread gently if you want to keep these lovely people in your life. By sincerest best wishes to you.

Now that you have reclaimed your life, STOP beating yourself up about it and enjoy your freedom.
You do not exist to be a doormat for another person.
You will probably surprise yourself about what you are now able to achieve on your own. Your children and everyone else will admire you for it and see you as a role model.
Your husband may even benefit from the split and become a different person himself.
Well done for getting off the treadmill. No go and forge your own path and dont look back.

Oh, I'd just love to give you a big hug!
Let's get one thing straight - the person that we have to think of first is you. If you are not well or in a good place, it will affect the way you deal with your children and anyone else.
Don't feel that you have let anyone down by your decision to ask your husband to leave because quite frankly, it sounds to me, like you should have kicked this mean, selfish, childish person into touch long ago!
It doesn't matter what his parents think - you have to be doing what is right for you and he is not helping by trying to play the kids off against you with his sob stories, same goes for the women he works with.
I would guess that your friends and family have been fully aware of what he is like for some time and perhaps not wanted to say anything for fear of upsetting you.
You are set on a path that is going to be hard as you will feel that many people will be against you but with the love and support of your friends and family, you will get through. I would suggest that you seek some counselling, not to say you have done the wrong thing (if they try to suggest that, walk out and go elsewhere!) but to reinforce the strength that you have. May I add, this will be your own business, it will be absolutely none of your husband's business!

Lots of different issues going on here but first and foremost U haven’t done anything wrong. U have been suffering domestic abuse whether your husband has Aspergers or not. I have Fibromyalgia too and know how painful it is and to work all the hours you do , keep a home and family is most admirable. Have you tried Counselling; not with your Husband but for you as I think you need to realise that the blame doesn’t lie with you. It takes two to make a marriage and when one person doesn’t pull their weight something eventually gives.

This is why you are his second wife . I only hope there isn’t a number three to take on this spoiled brat

As everyone has said you've done the right thing. He will continue to lie to people because me. Like him. An be v charming on the outside, to others, and paint a v different picture of you to anyone who will listen. Please do sort out a divorce as soon as you can, the children can still see him a d their grandparents . You can see the Inlaws with them if you want. The freedom programme is brilliant and I'd suggest you do it also. There is such a thing called trauma bonding, which keeps us tied to abusers, you can get over it, it's hard I know. It will take time. It your health will improve without the stress and anxiety of living with someone like that. My heart rate has gone down since I was no longer with ex. Something that hélped me was writing down as I remembered things what he did , it was a. Dry long list indeed and things kept popping up to the surface as time went on. If ever you feel maybe he's not so bad, maybe give him a second chance, read the list and tbj k do you want to go back to things like that again.
As for the Inlaws, well they have an adult son and an ádult grandchild living nearby who can help . The only person to let down the marriage is your husband, remember that
Divorce won't I'm sure be easy but get that decree absolute and what a relief

I am relatively new to the group, but always read the posts. I am very moved by Bird40 and her problems.

Without going into detail, my daughter had cause to take advise about an abusive relationship between her son and
and a girlfriend. She was given the link that give below, we found it so useful and a good guide to relationships in life.
http://lindagraham-mft-/triangle-victim-rescuer-persecutor-get/
Bird40 you have been a very strong woman. Please let me know if you find this a useful tool

Well done girl !
You deserve much better treatment
Aspergers is an insidious mental illness & very hard to be around I too left a husband with it
I’m so behind you
Move on & live life ???

Aspergers is many things to many people. It is not an excuse to be cruel. I feel my OH may have these traits and he is certainly not cruel.

Your husband is abusive both in a verbal and physical sense. You have admitted you have felt happier, more relaxed in the last couple of months than you have for a long time. That should tell you everything.

I agree with Gonegirl about the In Laws. Their choice to move closer, and it wasn't to help you. When the time comes for their son to do his duty and look after them, they will soon learn the truth about him. You are only 40, so lots of good times to come, on your own terms. Best of luck to you.

You poor thing. You were definitely in denial when you thought you were not in an abusive relationship. If it was me I would write a letter to your in laws explaining what your relationship was like with their son. If you have that conversation face to face, it may become difficult, but writing to then gives them time to digest how you've been feeling. Keep a copy for your solicitor