My daughter and my partner

Someone who knew what they were talking about advised me when I was first married never to tell a sister/family member any about any marital problems as they will remember long after you have forgotten all about the issue.
I have always regretted the one occasion I ignored this advice.

I no longer tell my daughter much about things I don't want her interference with. She can't be trusted. It was very sad for me to realise that a couple of years ago, but it's true.

She badly let me down by being vindictive in the recent past, and although we have partially rebuilt our relationship, I will not allow her to do it to me again. SO. She is no longer privy to details of a lot of my life. She knows I feel this way and frankly, only has herself to blame.

My daughter fell out with my husband about 8 years ago. I see my daughter occasionally (she lives quite a distance away) but she will never visit our house. My husband has said he wants to get back on track with her but she is not having any of it. I am torn and very unhappy but feel powerless to change anything. My D is very strong willed, there was fault on both sides and I am stuck in the middle.

I'm so sorry about this, cassy! Same w/ the other posters here who are in similar circumstances.

"I know I should have not said anything, but after a fairly mentally draining relationship in the past, I don't wish to hide things from anyone."

I get this ^. But if you felt the difficult period you were going through was on a par w/ that draining relationship, maybe your D has a reason to be concerned.

Even if not, please remember that she probably recalls that relationship, too, and so is more likely to be worried if you tell her anything negative about this one.

Besides, as you tell us, she has been against all your relationships since she was a kid. So it's almost inevitable that she'll grab onto anything negative you tell her about your partner and not let go of it very easily.

Given her negative feelings about him, I don't think his talking to her will help the situation at all. Instead, I'm afraid it will fan the flames of her resentment and make things worse.

Please just remember that your relationships are not up to her. I think PPs (previous posters) have given you some good advice about what to say to her or her partner if/when either of them bring it up again. Don't engage in a conversation/argument about it. What's the expression? - "don't JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain)" any further. Keep your reply short & sweet and change the subject. If they try to change it back, end the conversation or visit. Hopefully, though, they'll respect your decision to change the subject.

Shropshireless, what a difficult position to be in! Is DH (dear husband) your D's dad or stepdad? If he's her stepdad, how was their relationship before their falling out?

It's lovely that DH wants to begin to reconcile w/ her. But if she's not interested, it's not going to happen. IMO, the person who LEAST wants the relationship tends to control how much of a relationship there is.

"I am torn and very unhappy but feel powerless to change anything."

I get that this is hurting you, but, IMO, you're right, you are "powerless to change anything." So please don't waste your energy trying.

You don't need to be "torn" or in the middle, though. Please just continue seeing D on your own and let go of the idea of
her coming to your home or getting together w/ DH, as well. (Hopefully, you don't spend any of your time w/ her trying to change her mind about DH). Other than that, please continue to just enjoy your life w/ DH. IMO, you can be as sympathetic to him as you like if he voices the wish to "get back on track" w/ your D. Just please don't dwell on it. Easier said than done, I know (sigh).

Cassy not knowing what exactly your partner did that prompted you to tell your daughter - it is hard to know if she is over reacting or whether she is genuinely worried about you?

You said somewhere that your D has disliked other partners? Then why did you give her fuel to dislike another?

I may have missed something along the way of the threads but sounds to me like you use your D as a sounding board? But once you forgive and forget you want her to do so also? Obviously she can't!

Don't think you can force any sort of reconciliation with your partner and daughter. She obviously cares for you a great deal and is worried.

My advice would be to apologise to her and tell her either you were wrong OR you made more of it than there was OR she is right but you think he deserves a second chance but don't want to lose her.

In time, she may see how happy you are and soften a bit? Who knows? As said, we don't know what he did to start with.

Our children aren't here to carry our burdens. Talk to friends or support groups like this or free counselling services...

I can't understand this at all.

Once your daughter has had her say, that should be an end to it.

I think a lot of people don't like their family members choice of partner; most would be on their own if they waited for family approval.

I think its the fact that her mother told her about problems in the relationship rather than her just not approving.I know when my daughter had an abusive partner that she wouldn't see sense about I was angry that she wouldn't leave him.
Justifiably so as she almost died after he beat her to a pulp.Maybe the OP told her daughter something that worried her in the same way and she thinks her mum is making ahuge mistake staying with him .

It is impossible to advise without knowing what your partner did. Not everything can be safely forgiven and forgotten. Even knowing that she hasn't liked your previous partners doesn't help us to advise you because some people just do keep picking partners who abuse them and treat them badly. And abuse doesn't just mean physically hitting you either. This is a topic I am currently very concerned about in my family and I realise victims often aren't ready to face up to the seriousness of their situation. Is it possible your daughter considers there is a real reason to be worried about you or were the things you told her normal things that might happen to anyone if a relationship was going through a bad patch?

"The person who LEAST wants the relationship tends to control how much of a relationship there is". Starlady I'd never thought of that before but that really resonated with me.

Generally speaking AC will tell their parent(s) if they are unhappy or having problems with their partner, and no doubt expect that when their parent(s) see their partner, if they're trying to make a go of the relationship, that their parent(s) will be civil and keep what they've been told to themselves.

IMO it isn't unreasonable for parent who has confided in their AC to expect the same.

To avoid any confusion I am not of course including a situation of abuse.

Per se

I think it's best in these situations not to share with your family,as when the situation resolves,you are feeling a ok again and naturally your DD is feeling angry still on your behalf and protective over you. Unless she has another reason she doesn't feel enamoured towards your partner.

This is why you never vent to family members. They see the other person through your comments and depending on the offence, it may be hard to unring the bell.

In your OP, you say it took 3 months to patch up the relationship with your partner after what happened.

It must have been a big issue if it took 3 months to be able to fix it.