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Husband cheated - are you glad you found out?

(114 Posts)
CanuckaLatte Thu 05-Sep-19 12:37:03

NC for this.
Question for those that thought they had a happy solid marriage/relationship and found out their partner had been cheating: despite the turmoil and the pain, are you glad you found out? Or in hindsight, do you wish you hadn't?

Disgruntled Fri 06-Sep-19 10:19:43

Another good, interesting and measured post from BradfordLass72. Once again, I do wish they'd let us give a thumbs up.

Helennonotion Fri 06-Sep-19 10:25:14

BradfordLass72 Brilliant post. Totally agree with everything you said. Jealousy is a most destructive emotion, but, marriages can and do thrive after infidelity. It can actually make the marriage stronger.

mazgoli Fri 06-Sep-19 10:32:03

I'm glad I found out but devastated that it happened - over and over again and I was totally oblivious! I found out three months before our 40th wedding anniversary and all the flings and affairs began just 6 years into the marriage. I would definitely not have wanted to remain ignorant of all this, I feel betrayed, humiliated, used, lied to and also disbelieving. Six months on I'm just beginning divorce proceedings because I haven't been coping well and have been seeing a therapist. I am very scared for my future (as in, I've no idea what it looks like and that doesn't feel exciting as people are suggesting it might), but I know I could never live with this man again. I posted at the time and had many kind replies. That meant a lot to me and I found them so helpful. Later I asked Gransnet to remove the post because my children had found it and I didn't want them to get more upset.

TrendyNannie6 Fri 06-Sep-19 10:34:05

I’ve never been cheated on but I would want to know so that I could get rid, some of these posts are heartbreaking , I’ve always been surprised when ppl say oh all men will cheat if they get the chance, my answer to that is men n women both equally cheat, men do not cheat with themselves!, To spend your life looking after your husband etc and to suddenly find out it was all built on a lie must be devastating

harrigran Fri 06-Sep-19 10:38:17

Golfing holidays seem to feature a lot in infidelity.
DH's secretary had one that was always going off with the lads to play golf, when she told DH that the next tournament was at a course near us we said we go and watch. Her husband sent a message to say that it was cancelled so not to bother going.
Poor lady never guessed he was a lying scumbag but we did, he is now on his third wife and probably still going on golf weekends.

karen1962 Fri 06-Sep-19 10:44:15

Don’t we always know deep down?

Jang Fri 06-Sep-19 10:46:31

saddest to be the last to know.. my Son found out first saw his dad in a telephone box ( before mobiles remember those times?). ..His Dad had at least 3 affairs I know about (I could go on for hours boring you with it all but I won't) I tried to keep the family together as twins were doing GCSE's.. but in the end after 10 yrs I threw him out- I deserved more and was terrified of being alone as was married at 19 but after over 25 yrs of unhappiness I did it -managed just fine -divorced and met a lovely man - my DH... things are so different with him. EX did eventually apologised and am told he is not very happy in his new relationship and he told DD he had made a mistake but she said too late Dad Mum has moved on and is very happy! Love my DD

icanhandthemback Fri 06-Sep-19 10:48:47

I grew up with a woman who openly cheated with somebody whilst married to the man I thought of as my father. It was highly embarrassing as the whole neighbourhood knew and the pain it caused scarred me emotionally. My biological father had long since abandoned us, his marriage to my Mum had ended so badly with them both cheating that they can't bear to be in the same room 50 odd years later. I grew up not really knowing the boundaries in relationships, what was acceptable, how to work as a teams, etc. Consequently, my first marriage ended after 18 months and second marriage similarly although we had a ten year relationship resulting in 2 children. So desperate was I for the children to have their own father, I stayed even though there was violence and abuse. Fortunately, I met my husband of 23 years as his marriage was crumbling with infidelity on both sides and we'd both been scarred enough by our own actions and actions of our partners that we were able to agree that fidelity and honesty would have to be the bedrock of our relationship. His childhood had given him the skills and knowledge of how to resolve problems, work as a team, etc, and he was very patient with me as I learned the same skills. If I ever found out about any infidelity we'd be blown apart but I like to think that would never happen.

Apricity Fri 06-Sep-19 10:49:25

Bravo to all the brave and honest Grans who have responded so openly to the poster's question. It takes real guts to be able to talk about such deeply personal and painful issues. I salute you all. ?

Sparklefizz Fri 06-Sep-19 10:50:47

I don't think anyone can have a reasoned opinion on this subject unless they have been through it ... as indeed many of us have.

Sparklefizz Fri 06-Sep-19 10:51:51

Apricity We are survivors!

jaylucy Fri 06-Sep-19 10:58:17

Yes I was glad that I found out!
I had obstetric problems - 1 stillbirth, 1 miscarriage, before I had my son. During this pregnancy I had to undergo a lot of tests to check the pregnancy was progressing as it should.
I was feeling fat and frumpy, baby was laying with either it's head or bum up in my diaphragm so the walks and things that we had enjoyed became a problem as it was affecting my breathing. Moved house further from my GP, didn't drive so ex had to take me to appointments in his lunch break/end of day .
Boss he worked for insisted he went out for drinks after work / attend business meetings with him. This meant he was getting home at about 1am . I found out that this boss was having an affair with his secretary and had affairs each time his wife was pregnant! As far as he was concerned it was quite ok for my ex to visit massage parlours etc
Final straw was just before my son's first Christmas, ex went out on a "business" Christmas party and didn't come home until lunchtime the next day. He admitted that he had been with another woman- found out later that she was a workmate.
Took me a long long time to deal with it all. The twist in the tail is that ex came out as transgender 5 years ago.

Apricity Fri 06-Sep-19 11:01:06

Sparklefizz, I never doubted that. Women are wonderful. ??

ClaraB Fri 06-Sep-19 11:04:40

My husband had an affair whilst I was pregnant and left when my daughter was six weeks old. It was a long time ago, I had been married for just 3 years and was 23 when he left. I now feel he did me a huge favour, he was an absolute womaniser and got very nasty if any other man showed me any attention. He was also a liar and still lies to my daughter today. I met my second husband within a year and he has brought up my daughter as his own and we have a son. I've now been happily married for 36 years and feel I had a very lucky escape. It wasn't easy at the time though.

FC61 Fri 06-Sep-19 11:12:13

I would want to know and I would forgive and divorce immediately. I’d rather get a dog. Fear of disease and lies ie someone taking away my right to make my life choices would be enough to make me leave. I’m not part of a tribe I live in cities where tbh sexual health isn’t to be taken for granted! Integrity is everything to me and before I married I made it clear I wouldn’t stay 2 minutes. Not for the children ( who suffer either way) . I’m very grateful not to be the offspring of a cheater as I would have zero respect. My husband is a very attractive man and sometimes I think he likes to boost his confidence by having a smiley chat with a pretty girl but he will run a mile if she pays too much attention. In fact recently we met a lovely couple I really liked but he doesn’t want to meet up again because he says the woman made ‘inappropriate gestures’ and he’s uncomfortable. I felt so sorry for her chap. I thank God for my husbands integrity. I know it takes all sorts and that’s life’s tapestry.

Gymstagran Fri 06-Sep-19 11:12:52

As others have said it's the lying that hurts the most. I was naive and young enough to totally trust in my husband. He later went on to do it again with his second wife after delaying our divorce because he didn't want to marry her, so he told me. She wasnt the only one he cheated with. I didn't want to hear from other people/friends? That they knew all along that he was cheating after we had split up. Eventually I was glad he was found out as I had time to rebuild my life, my career and to achieve peace of mind. I lost my trust in people though.

4allweknow Fri 06-Sep-19 11:19:11

Bradfordlass72 You say forcing someone i to an alien cultures is sure to fail. The culture in UK is once you make a promise you keep it. Of course people change as do circumstances. If one party isn't happy then surely they should respect the other and be honest with them. In the tribe you mention who supports all the children. Do all the fathers help to feed and educate their offspring?

Elisabeth68 Fri 06-Sep-19 11:26:10

I was married to a serial adulterer. I stayed ( no money of my own and 3 kids)
I then fell completely in love and had a 6 month affair. And when my then husband found out, in order to try and salvage my marriage; I gave up a man whom 25 years later I still long for and miss terribly

My husband divorced me because of my affair, moved in before the decree absolute with another ( she would have been wife number 3) and tragically for my children, 5 years later had a heart attack one night in his sleep and died instantly. After the divorce I was homeless with a nurse’s income and a 13 year old still living at home. . However, I secured my first mortgage at 50 and after working myself into the ground, retired at 69, own my house and although I have to live very frugally and alone, I have a good life. ( and no ex to be the spectre at the marriages christenings etc that have taken place)
And yes, dear reader, I wish I had run away with my lover?

Yearoff Fri 06-Sep-19 12:02:24

I found out 12 years into my marriage, by contracting an sti, that my husband had been unfaithful. It unravelled thsg he’d been having affairs for most of the 12 years. I felt as though my whole marriage was a lie. It was like peeling an onion getting the truth out of him. I’m still not sure I have the whole story. At the time I wished I never found out. We had 3 young children and I was too afraid to go it alone. For the next 9 years I lived in the most horrible untrusting marriage and just couldn’t find the courage to tell him to leave. He was a sexual bully and things were very unpleasant. He eventually left me because I had refused to sleep with him. Now many years on I’m so glad to be rid of him and I am grateful to have found out. My only regret was feeling I was trapped and staying with him afterwards.
I need honesty and respect in my life and won’t settle for anything less now.

Yearoff Fri 06-Sep-19 12:04:33

karen1962 Not in my case. Yes the penny dropped as once I had the information but I genuinely had no idea.

Annaram1 Fri 06-Sep-19 12:13:32

My husband and I were always lovers. Only once did he get fond of a girl he worked with, 18 years his junior. We were watching TV one evening when he suddenly gave a great sob, and when I went to ask him what was wrong he told me about her and the fact that his boss had hauled him over the coals about it. I told him not to worry, I would always love him. A few days later his work held an annual party. He told me to dress in my best and I must say I did look very nice. When we got there he pointed the girl out to me and she was a stunner. very slim. nice hair, pretty face... But he had never actually had an affair with her, it was close but not quite. She was a divorcee.
A few years later I enrolled in the Open University and began a degree in science. In the Summer School I had to work with a very handsome man 6 years my senior, who made it plain that he fancied me. I was flattered and on the last night he kissed me and said he was in love with me. Nothing else happened but I went home all of a flutter, and my husband guessed something had happened. I did not admit it, The student, who lived a very long way away, began to send me sexy letters to my work and even phoned me at home, and I pretended to my husband that he was just helping me with a homework assignment. I was still in love with my husband but also with the student, so you can love 2 people at the same time. I did not meet him again as I enrolled in another course, on purpose, as I did not want to ruin my marriage and maybe lose my young children. The student confessed to his wife and she sent me a letter to my work, telling me that he had had numerous affairs and she was going to stay with him, so I might as well forget him.
I did not, but I tried not to think about him and gradually our long distance relationship petered out. If I had divorced my darling husband for this handsome charmer I would have regretted it because he would just kept cheating.
My marriage lasted 54 years and I still love my husband even though he is no longer around. Bless him.

tickingbird Fri 06-Sep-19 12:15:58

Whilst not wishing to tar all men with the same brush, there are extremely large numbers that either have affairs or use prostitutes. I’ll never forget an old friend who was told by her ex partner upon discovering one of his liaisons, “once a man gets a woman to love him, she can be shown a video of him having sex with another woman and she’ll deny it for him. That’s what men do to women”. To say this destroyed her is an understatement. My ex husband told me most men have dalliances and their wives/girlfriends don’t have a clue. I have done community work and a read of a vile site called UK Punting certainly brings home this secret world men inhabit.

sodapop Fri 06-Sep-19 12:42:29

No comments from any male posters. I can't believe infidelity is restricted to men. In fact I know it isn't. I'm not sure that not having sex makes it less serious, the attraction and intention are still there.

Purplepoppies Fri 06-Sep-19 12:51:58

Affairs are more common place than people realise. That's why if the police ever want DNA samples to identify a child they ask the mother.....
I have never been married, but I have had a partner cheat on me. I ended the relationship. I'm not a forgiving person I'm afraid.

sarahellenwhitney Fri 06-Sep-19 14:08:44

Bradfordlass72 How right you are.
No doubt there are and always will be those in love and yet love circumstances.