Husband cheated - are you glad you found out?

Aepgirl, I found the comment by BradfordLass very interesting. You object to her comparisons but I don't think that you can compare today's marriages with those of previous generations either.

There used to be a strong stigma to divorce. Couples stayed married for life due to social pressure and financial necessity. There was no welfare state. You had to 'make your bed and lie in it'. Generations of children were raised by parents who hated each other. I can't see that as a tradition to be proud of.

I had been married 21 years and on holiday with 2 of our children when I found out my h was cheating on me. I rushed home and he was not there. I text him and and asked what he was doing. He lied and told me he was at home watching TV. I was at home so knew he was lying. I packed up all of his stuff, had the locks changed and text him to come home and get his things. I asked a friend to be there with me when he came and he made a lot of fuss but did go eventually. I went to solicitor the next day and filed for divorce. He fought against the divorce but had no choice in the end as I refused to speak to him. A year later I found another partner and married him a couple of years later. I have now been married for 14 happy years. Very glad indeed to good friend who rang me, and was crying because she was so worried about telling me. I still to this day do not know how long he had been cheating on me. MUch happier with second dh.

Thoughts...
If someone genuinely loves and cares for their partner/spouse and is happy, why would he/she hurt them by having an affair? Is it a weakness whereby a person is flattered, unable to resist temptation and throws caution to the wind?
An honest person who has made a commitment to a partnership surely has more integrity.
After all modern society does not force people into marriage/partnership. Commitment is entirely voluntary.
To answer the question "Yes I would rather be told of any adultery". Devastating I am sure but personally I feel I wouldn't be able to live with someone I could not trust.

CocoPops, in my case my husband had decided to go off with his new woman so I felt the marriage was definitely over.

A physical affair, apart from the risk of nasty diseases, maybe one could forgive, but I personally think, as you say, when trust has gone it would change the relationship for ever and I could not live with someone who was so deceitful.

It`s a deal breaker and something I couldn`t forgive or forget .
I would get my revenge when it suits me even if it took years and the other women would be in for a shock and a half.
Hopefully in front of her family.

Same as sodapop.
Happy days.

same as gordh.

Best thing my ex husband ever did, she was welcome to him.

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Reported.

I had it done to me. Then 5 years ago he had a stroke and has severe aphasia and epilepsy. I have decided to stay, because he is completly helpless. I was married for 30 years and I never thought he would do that to me!

I found out my first husband was having an affair with a mutual friend after we had been married for 12 years and our twin daughters were 8 years old . He didn't want us to split up or make a new life with her but I just couldn't get over the betrayal. I also suspected she wasn't the first. I kicked him out and he moved in with her. I spent 10 years as a single Mum , working and bringing up our girls. They did go to his occasionally but never really liked his girlfriend. He had 2 more daughters with her and I met and married my second husband, I was 43 by then. He's a wonderful husband/ stepdad / grandad to our 3 grandchildren. My first husband cheated again and she left him around 4 years ago now . I don't regret my decision at all

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sodapop

No comments from any male posters. I can't believe infidelity is restricted to men. In fact I know it isn't. I'm not sure that not having sex makes it less serious, the attraction and intention are still there.

I have no idea how many men post on here, not sure it is many though.

I have one friend whose husband cheated all their 50 plus years together, she didn't know though. He died a few years ago and often says he never had eyes for anyone but her, She was happy but her marriage was a big lie. I would never stay with someone who had an affair. I would never trust him again so it would be be pointless.

My partner had two affairs. Well, one affair spread over two separate periods with the same man. I wish I never knew, to be honest.

BradfordLass72

There are many things around this subject with which I disagree - but this is absolutely NOT a dig at CanuckaLatte.
Love the name, I had great coffee in Canada !

Some people fall genuinely in love with another person even though they have a happy marriage
It's ridiculous to say you can't love 2 people at the same time. Humans have proved this wrong since time immemorial.

It's not easy to leave a bleak relationship, especially if you know you will destroy the well-being of someone else, especially children.
It is easy to believe that the comfort, affection, relief and friendship received elsewhere can be enjoyed parallel.
It is not always a cynical move to try and have both. Sometimes it is desperation.

Monogamy, to men as well as women does not always come naturally and is a religion-based idea.

There are quite a few cultures where it is not practiced. The 'walking marriage' of the Mosuo people has worked for generations. The women choose whom they want to father their children, sometimes a different man each time. The man never lives with the mother

So whilst we are strapped into a false Judeo-Christian tradition which goes against the nature of so many, we will have what we see as 'marital problems'.

We will say 'unfaithful' and 'cheating' and other blame words because we need to absolve ourselves and have a focus for the bitterness, anger and grief which comes from not understanding human nature and possibly even the person with whom we shared our lives.

When the Communists took over Viet-nam, they deliberately took people from the professions they had chosen and forced them into re-education.
Dancers were made to be prison guards; writers beame cleaners; artists (if they survived) were 're-educated' as slaughterhouse assistants.

If you try to force someone into an alien culture you either destroy them or risk they will rebel.

A very few will simply accept and carry on, as Thoreau said, 'in quiet desperation' .

The fact we are seeing so many partnerships "fail" (another blame word) seems to indicate the truth of this.

Unless you are speaking about someone forced into an arranged marriage, this post is complete bs.

It is a choice to get married. It’s a choice to lie, betray, sneak around and cheat.

Only a loser blames “society” and “culture” for their own cowardly choices.

Couldn’t agree more with you BlessedArt 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻