Husband cheated - are you glad you found out?

Saraellen, I do think that no matter if a couple decides to remain married or to divorce that talking it through matters- Especially so when children are involved-

Unfortunately, it's not uncommon for people to want their cake and eat it too- Their allegiance is to their desires, not ethics, not truth- Not to the vows they took- And certainly not to any of their share of marital responsibilities-

The number of men that abandoned marriages and children and got off scot free is mind boggling- And granted plenty has changed over the past century but not enough to level the playing field just yet- Men have been offered one too many crutches and women not been given substantial support-

I am very happily divorced but my adult daughters would have preferred for it not to have happened.

Reading all these stories makes me feel less alone, and as though I can do it. I will be okay eventually. So many of us have felt and are still feeling this complete and utter devastation. My heart goes out to anyone, man or woman, who has been betrayed in this way.

I was phoned at work by my husbands ‘girlfriend’ of three years, he had dumped her and she as raging so decided to exact her revenge by letting me know of their affair. It was devastating at the the time to find out what had been going on but so glad it blew our marriage apart. Me and my children have been so much happier since, after I threw him out and divorced him, after getting over the initial shock of course. I always say she did me a huge favour.

My first husband left me for another woman, second husband had lots of flings then an affair, he was in love with her but she didn't actually want him. I married again, to a man who said all the right things about never being unfaithful, but then he fell in love with a woman on a dating site, he thought she was the love of his life and his 'bestest friend ever' I was devastated and told him to choose. She didn't want him, she had been seeing someone else all along, they didn't actually meet up, it was all online and on the phone. He thought its not cheating if there's no sex... Unfortunately our relationship didn't recover, he has no interest whatsoever in a physical relationship, blames it on me being 60 and obviously fat and ugly, but I think its more about his desires being for women young enough to be his granddaughters, and photo shopped.

Reading all of these stories makes me wish I had been born a lesbian! I hate the way "some" men are and the trouble is, 2 of them have been my previous husbands.

Classic, does your husband suffer from erectile dysfunction? Men often blame others for their inability- Perhaps it's why he didn't meet up with the person he met online?

I was the first to respond to this post and on reading the other comments, am amazed at how many of these men turned out to be serial adulterers
I discovered , after I had divorced my husband, that he had been having affairs all through our married life. Not only that but, I also discovered, not long before he died, that he had a daughter from before our marriage and had abandoned his partner and the baby.
After a very short time with the women I cited in the divorce, he settled with a lovely woman whom we had both known before the divorce. After a couple of years, he left her for a married woman with children, in almost identical circumstances to those that finished our marriage. She told me that he had told her that our marriage had foundered as a result of MY infidelity!
Maybe there is something in the theory that men are naturally polygamous - some of them, anyway.

The day after my second husband of 9 years died, I found out he had been having an affair. Purely by chance as I found the passcode to his phone on the computer and I was looking for phone numbers to inform people of his passing.
The fact he called her wifey, paid money into her account, all the while he was telling me he loved me, has destroyed me

Oh Jans3, I am so sorry. Please try not to let it "destroy you". You deserve better.

for you.

I feel angry when I read stories like those on here, and I have also suffered more than once myself due to betrayals by cheating husbands, and then someone comes along and blithely says that sometimes an affair can make a marriage stronger.

Yeah, right! And maybe - occasionally - that may happen.
But in most cases the partner has been crucified by what has happened, have emotional scars for the rest of their lives and all trust has gone.

Habitually lying and having sex with others behind ones back are not the actions of a responsible adult- Need more than one partner? Then say so- Afraid of having that discussion with the spouse you chose? Get over it- Own your decision to marry who you did and work through it-

Plenty of wives would agree to having someone else in their lives, as would husband's who have kept their vows- Work it out-

Without doing so, it isn't a matter of loving two (or more..) people- It's deceit and neglect, neither of which are loving actions-

Jans3 I am so sorry you have had to go through that. I think it’s the knowledge that there was a complete lack of respect and that the person you loved wasn’t really that person at all. Personally, I sometimes get lonely but I could never put myself through it all again as I know too much about men and really don’t believe there are many capable of fidelity, especially if they have the opportunity.

Wow. Wow wow wow. Just coming back to this thread after being away the last couple of days (digital detox!) and I want to thank all of you for sharing your thoughts, your hearts, your pain. I know first hand that being blindsided by a cheating partner that one loves and believes in, is one of the most excruciating things a human heart can face. Which is why I’m having a real internal struggle!!

So to give some background, I am on a swinger site. I only meet single men and state it clearly in my profile. So many of the guys posing as single men are in fact married. One guy that contacted me confessed that was married, and said he preferred to be upfront because he had integrity and wasn’t a liar. Anyways long story short I told him no (no, NO!) and suggested he actually talk to his wife if he was sexually unfulfilled, but that cheating always comes to light eventually and he owed her more than that. He’s a really smug little pr*ck - says he only chooses classy women “out of respect for his wife” - honestly - you couldn’t make this delusional sh*t up if you tried .

Meanwhile, reading his “verifications” the last few months, he’s still going strong and in one verification mentioned that he’d “met many sexy women over the years”. So, his story to me about how he was doing this because his “wife has hit menopause and gets as much sex as she needs but [he] doesn’t” is, obviously, not true. I think this guy is a dirtbag, and if it were me I would want to know who I was married to: she is 55, kids are grown, and she (according to him) suspects nothing and they have a good marriage. I know who they are, as he sent a face photo which I did a reverse image search on.

I really really want to not tell her - I have had my heart broken similarly and I know the pain that comes with finding out. But is it worse than finding out 10 or 15 years down the road that half your life was lived in a lie? That when that photo was taken or that holiday pic there - he was sneaking around shagging someone else? Personally I WOULD want to know and I wouldn’t care who told me, because despite the pain it caused me, it put me in control of my life and I chose the future for myself based on facts, not a web of deceit.

This was why I asked the initial question. The overwhelming consensus seems to be that as horrid as it was, finding out/being in the loop was better than finding out once the partner died. () I want to tell her for her empowerment, but I know it comes with a heart being ripped out. I’m 50-50 (actually more like 70 against telling - 30 for telling, because I know the storm of pain that would hit her).

So, do I tell this woman? Do I not tell her?

Canucka, I've seen this situation unfold, each time uniquely - The worse one was when a neighbor told another that her husband was not only cheating but going to leave her- And take their only child with him when he went- The woman lost it, completely - As he knew she would- She fell into a state of shock from the trauma- Living right beside her in the next flat over I heard her screams and sobbing- I would go over there and gently knock on the door to soothe her, to let her know that she wasn't alone in the world since she refused to accept any visitors-

A good friend of mine years ago was told her husband was cheating on her- She dashed right on over to the house they were hanging out at and approached them- Having seeing it with her own eyes she turned and never looked back- Not physically at least- But it remained first and forefront in her mind- She then set out and has since had numerous affairs, one night stands, BDSM/fetish relationships, so on and so forth- As far as I know, he never cheated again while she did so relentlessly - They are still married 40+ years and counting-

Rosecarmel is there a sisterhood code? I mean there’s a “man code” where guys protect their cheating buddies - is there any sort of comraderie amongst women where we don’t let other women be blindsided or mysteriously acquire STI’s? Or do we “mind our own business” and say to hell with other women. It’s pain either way. Cheating always comes out. My sister found out after 16 years of marriage that her XH had cheated their entire marriage. Sixteen years of “happy” photos to destroy. She had a big bonfire. A girl I worked with, father died suddenly, found papers in his home office - he had a whole other family across town. She said her mother wanted to punch him but never got the satisfaction - or the opportunity to ask questions, get closure.

I've longed.for such a code .. Canucka ..

A universal women's code, that despite our differences and personal preferences any one of us could send out an SOS and all would converge-

But as it stands, many of us just carve out our own paths- And there's just as much strength in that as there is coming together in numbers-

When I was 19 I married a dude who collected no moss .. It was a shotgun wedding- I gave birth to our first- I was over it before our second was born! At the time I hadn't a clue about marriage- Was it like my family, neighborhood families, families on tv? But in the process of making it my own didn't really care that he slept with other women- Some of the women were our co-workers and friends- Some informed me that they had sex with him, some with regret and others with agendas intending to break is up- He of course never spoke of it and I was alright with all of it so it worked out- What did eventually do me in was realizing that he truly collected no moss and would not be responsible-

And that was that- So, I doubt women will ever have a universal code- Although #metoo was proof that we can stand together- I hope that whatever you decide to do is right action for the circumstance-

Dipping back into this thread ... Gosh Canucka ...
I can only speak for myself in that I find knowledge = power. Back to my post on page 3, it was the feeling of constantly being wrong in some way, not understanding why "he" was so angry around me. I didn't want to have sex with him because I knew he was imagining I was someone else, it wasn't really me in the bed with him. And it was sex, not making love - I really think through this period he didn't like me (because, as he saw it, I was the one keeping him from being with the much younger woman he was lusting after). Months of doubting myself, awful!
When I saw my GP citing depression after all this came out she asked if I wanted an STD test. I think part of me died that day.
I'd need to know, but it's your call.

Just read thru some of these posts and it struck a chord
I found out my husband had been online cheating at a very low point in my life where there were family health issues and bereavement to deal with
I couldn’t really handle this as well so blanked it out in my mind ( with difficulty)
Roll on a few years and I found that online had developed to ad-hoc encounters in hotel rooms and at massage parlours
I had the indignity of having to have STI tests twice and the doctor suspected may have had a part to play in a painful condition I developed Thankfully all was clear
Again due difficult family conditions I’ve not yet fully dealt with all this
I am appalled at how common all this is and must have been very naive and trusting ( but that is my way)
I’m currently building a great social existence and thinking about the future
I have no idea if current status of his activities and not sure I want to know either currently

Oh how many terribly sad stories and sad to say mine is one of them.
My ex had affairs since even before we were married and had at least 2, possibly more other children. Unbelievably I was aware of this as he disappeared 'on holiday' several times and I know that he went to spend time with one child while his 'girlfriend' had another baby, leaving me with three children. Why did I put up with this? I have no idea. It was just the way it was. I finally gave up when he got us into so much debt the bailiffs became involved and what a relief when I insisted he left. He had another woman to go to even then.
I did not divorce him (couldn't afford it) but he reappeared 15 years later and claimed his half of everything even though I had paid the mortgage and supported our children entirely. I had to pay all solicitors fees and give him a third of the value of the home so I had to work well past retirement to pay for it.
His children would have nothing to do with him though we still kept in touch with his family. After all they did nothing wrong. He is now dead and when I discovered the cause of his death went straight to the GP for tests. Luckily I am clear of the possible STDs he might have passed on (and did do in the past) . I now feel strong and independent but cannot understand how I let myself be used so badly for all those years. I have never shared these details before and none of my family know.

In reading through all these posts again I’m appalled at the secrecy and deceit and risk to their partners health these men cause
It seems like I’ll do what I want how dare you to question it - when we may have sacrificed so much effort to family , bereavements etc
Sharing our knowledge is very difficult
Who do you trust ?
In my case I think my children would be devastated if they knew the truth about their father
But also our silence means they ‘ get away with it ‘ over and over again and we are left with internalised pain

Another sucker!
My first husband was having an affair (her husband rang me to tell me they`d gone away together, I`m grateful). I packed up his things (not his passport, I wanted to be a bit mean) and dumped them on the pavement. Divorced him as soon as I could. Apparently it came out that he had had two marriages before and two kids he walked out on. He has vanished off the radar, my children were older and wanted nothing to do with him.
Years later his woman friend rang me to talk. I didn`t mind, I had no feelings for him one way or the other. She was having an awful time with him, womanising etc and was seeking a divorce. I expect he has gone on to more affairs, children perhaps...
It was the deceit that got to me. And I was furious that he could do that to ME! Hearing what a toad he was made me feel a lot better, it wasn`t all my fault then.

Many of these stories chime with mine. Happily married for 30 years until I found out he had been seeing another woman for more than 2 years. I didn't hesitate in divorcing him, even though our off-springs didn't want me to. I was so angry, and still are. Its also making me angry that I'm still so bitter. I don't want to feel like this but I can't help myself, and I certainly don't want another relationship - ever.

My ex husband joined a men's group that seemed to have lots of meetings and golf weekends.
Recently I met the wife of his neighbour and she told me her husband had joined the same group.She was pleased for as she said you know where they are when they go there.
I didn't like to tell her.
The club only actually met once a fortnight and had no away weekends.

So many sad stories. It happened to me about 23 years ago. I think it was the only affair. I do know she came on to him initially seeing it as a challenge. When I found out I was out of my mind. I rang her partner, who didn't know and was very nice to me. He confronted her, it was over. But things were never the same again. Trust was broken, I should have left then.

In answer to the question - If I had never known about it, and it had ended for some reason, and then he'd decided in his own mind it had been a mistake and he loved me, and didn't want to lose me, and it would never happen again? Then I'd have been better not knowing as we'd have carried on with our nice life and I'd have been content and felt loved. Ignorance is bliss.

BUT the likelihood is that that scenario would not be what happened.

I hate the fact that my feelings of self worth were destroyed by that affair. I wish I was not so reliant on another person, and they had the power to destroy my peace of mind.