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Do you socialise independently or together..?

(73 Posts)
birchermuesli Sun 15-Sep-19 14:35:19

Because my husband doesn't enjoy socialising or any of the things I like to do, I've spent more hours than I can count staying at home watching TV, in order to be with him and not make him feel like I'm having a life without him. I'd love to get out more and do more things on my own. But I've realised that when I want to go out for a whole day's shopping, or visit family independently, I seem to feel guilty at abandoning him, and almost have to have a cast-iron reason why I need to go, not just 'I feel like it'. Has anyone else experienced this, and how do you handle it?

notanan2 Sun 15-Sep-19 14:41:03

I really am happy if DH goes out without me as I would HATE to spend my evenings at the kind of work dos he gets invited to.

If he stayed in because I didnt go I would feel pressured to go so he could go so Im glad he goes without me.

He goes to some of my work dos because he enjoys them, they are more relaxed and low key than his.

I go out with friends sometimes without him sometimes with him

notanan2 Sun 15-Sep-19 14:43:48

I wouldnt be enjoying his company if he stayed in when he really wanted to be out.

On the flip side I have a friend who begrudgingly goes to whatever she goes to and I wish he wouldnt. Either go gladly or not at all.

Pantglas1 Sun 15-Sep-19 14:45:43

Both in our case birchermuesli.

I cherish my friends and arrange lots of meet ups now that I’m retired and have more time to do so. I do space things out though so that we have our time together.

DH doesn’t have lots of friends but is close to his brother and they arrange to go for a pint when I see one particular friend.
He’s not as sociable as I am anyway so it’s not really a problem and if it became one, we’d talk about it and manage it somehow.

Luckygirl Sun 15-Sep-19 14:46:09

Heavens above! - why feel guilty? If you go out and he stays in then you are both doing what you want to - what's not to like, as the saying goes?

You only have one life - you cannot waste it on TV, if there are things you would rather be doing.

Go forth and have fun - now!!

And ditch the guilt - it has no place in this situation.

I have always gone out and done my own thing as OH likes to stay in.

janeainsworth Sun 15-Sep-19 14:47:43

Both. We have our own interests and we do things together.

Does your DH have no interests of his own, Bircher?
That would seem to me to be the essence of the problem.
I would go bonkers if I was required to sit and watch the telly all the time and I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect anyone to do that.
On the other hand, if you’re in a relationship with someone, it’s not unreasonable to expect a certain amount of companionship.

Greenfinch Sun 15-Sep-19 14:47:59

We do both.It is nice to socialise independently because it means we have more to talk to each other about.

glammanana Sun 15-Sep-19 14:48:24

We socialise together and separatly and it works very well.
I will go and see my friends or family without him and he goes and see's his pals at their local 3/4 times a week for a couple of hours where they put the world to rights.
We will eat out together maybe once a week and may enjoy a night at a comedy club in town followed by a meal every so often.
I also go on holiday with just my DD twice a year as he does not enjoy some of the things we like to do,he will stay at home doing DIY or walking the dogs.

Day6 Sun 15-Sep-19 14:57:55

I have more friends than OH. He has joined in with certain groups and enjoys himself.

However, I value my independence and go out with friends and leave him at home. He finds things to do or he watches TV and he is quite happy. He'll also happily spend all day in the garden. It's his hobby and he is much relieved that I go out and mooch around the shops on my own. It's better alone too, as he is a reluctant shopper.

I think you have to strike a balance bircher.

It is healthy to have your own pursuits and friends. I think occasional time spent alone is a bonus too. Do test the water and get out on your own. It is up to your husband to find things he enjoys doing - alone if necessary.

seacliff Sun 15-Sep-19 15:07:43

We do some things together (mainly his interests which I go along with) and some apart. I go and see friends, walk, choir etc without him. He doesn't like it very much, as I go out more than him. He is a bit of a loner and recluse, turning into his Dad!!

I also go and see my family in London for a few days several times a year. He never comes now. He is always made welcome but says it's not his home and he is bored. I enjoy myself better when he's not there as I don't have to worry about him.

I made it clear some years ago that going out and seeing people makes me happy, and I will always do that, as long as I am able, as I need to for my mental health. He grudgingly accepts it.

I am envious of friends going out to lovely places with their husbands. I suggest you tell him you don't want to waste the rest of your life watching TV, and you will be going out regularly. Then book something up/ go and have a walk and a coffee - start enjoying yourself.

Maggiemaybe Sun 15-Sep-19 15:08:13

It's an even split for us. We're both sociable and do go out a lot together or with mutual friends since we retired. But I also meet up with my own friends and follow my own interests and so does he. We still have a lot of nights in together in front of the television. smile It works well. Sometimes it's nice to have an evening in on your own - I think we both appreciate that.

You can't feel guilty about living your life, birchermuesli, and I don't think you should stop going out just because your other half doesn't want to. But perhaps you could think of a regular thing he might like to go to with you, so that you could enjoy time together out of the house? Pictures, pub quiz, meals out? Something at the U3A maybe?

paddyann Sun 15-Sep-19 15:14:16

I'm very content with my own company ,I'm happy to go out with OH but not every night .He's a real people person despite working with the public ofr over 50 years so he has a group of friends he meets up with at the local pub and a different group he meets at their mens shed where they all keep their track cars and work on them .He#ll happily offer to do DIY or help with stuff for friends while I have the GC here ,especially if its all the girls.Their chatter does his head in .So this weekend he's been buildong a wall for hi sbest friend and I've been baking with a 12 and 8 year old .Decorated birthday cakes for their mum and loads of cupcakes and piles scones and pancakes to put in their freezer for another time .Everybody's happy .

TerriBull Sun 15-Sep-19 15:33:35

Generally we socialise together. Husband's hobby is golf so he socialises separately with golfing pals when they play, generally a couple of times a week, I know one or two of them and we have been out socially with their respective partners, although I hate listening to golf talk hmm touch wood that doesn't happen too often. I go to a separate health club for swim and gym, husband has all that at his golf club. I tend to go to mine for the express purpose of gyming and swimming rather than socialising. I do meet up with my closest friends, several old school friends fairly regularly, also another friend from postnatal classes years ago and a couple of "mums from down at the school days" I'm having lunch with one of my oldest friends next week, we've known each other since infant school, she and I do that fairly regularly. Although again we also socialise with other halves as well, but I enjoy our female "one to ones". Our children work fairly near each other in London so they also meet up for drinks after work sometimes.

birchermuesli Sun 15-Sep-19 15:34:41

Thank you, all good comments. I appreciate your thoughts ladies x

sodapop Sun 15-Sep-19 15:35:23

We do both as well. We enjoy time on our own when the other is out but equally like to do some things together.
Don't feel guilty birchermuesli It's good to have some independence from each other.

gillybob Sun 15-Sep-19 15:43:38

I have the most boring almost non existent social life . Rarely go out alone or together . I don’t watch TV much either . I go to “that place”most days and read , look after DGC, cook, listen to music, or go for a walk in the evenings and weekends . Thrilling eh?

TerriBull Sun 15-Sep-19 15:44:40

Yes meant to add, what others have said, don't feel guilty birchermuesli hanging round the house watching tv if you want to go out is dead time and you can't be joined at the hip every day. I hope you can find a way forward that suits you both.

paddyann Sun 15-Sep-19 15:53:45

gilly I'd happily be like that ,especially after a day dealing with customers who think I can perform magic....for instance..
customer ,my sister is behind that woman with the big hat,,can you take the woman out of the picture so I can see my sister ?
Other assorted miracles asked for on other days ,usually from their own images and the y dont seem to understand that you can only work on an image that actually IN the picture .I love the house to myself after half an hour explaining why I cant take someones hat off to show their red hair .I am delighted retirement is on the horizon

Fiachna50 Sun 15-Sep-19 16:39:55

Both. My husband and I are into quite different things but we do eat out and go to an occasional concert.I read alot, husband occasionally. I made it quite clear before we married I would still be out socialising with friends. He has a few friends with the voluntary work he does. So when he goes out to his job, I go out to do my thing. We go on holiday together and help out with our grandchild together. No, I would say go out if you want to. Your husband may like to do his own thing at home.

anxiousgran Sun 15-Sep-19 17:08:41

gilly. I sympathise. I used to love the house to myself when I was working.

Before retirement, DH and I both had full social lives, both together and separately.

Surprisingly my friends although retired like me have all sort of fallen away, saying they’re too busy now for meet-ups. I have one school friend I see once a month. My other ‘soul mate’ friend has emigrated.

I do see old friends I was previously very close to at an organised thing once a month, but that is en masse, and only for an hour or too.

Otherwise I see friends when we have a party or invite friends for a meal but what I am saying is I would love to see my female friends on a more individual or more frequent basis.

DH on the other hand sees his male friends twice a week, as well as sundry other times, football etc.

I was off the scene for a while, so either friends have moved on, or I’m boring...

M0nica Sun 15-Sep-19 18:46:56

Both, we have mutual friends and independent friends and different interests and shared interests..

SalsaQueen Sun 15-Sep-19 20:25:11

I go to 3 exercise classes in the evenings, with a friend. On one of those evenings, my husband meets his mates for a drink (soft drinks, as he drives). Once a week, we go out together, and sometimes mutual friends are there. My husband sees our eldest son for a couple of drinks at our local, for a couple of hours every other Friday.

Apart from that, he has his hobbies - he's been restoring a classic motorbike, and he likes to watch films on Netflix.

I see a friend for aqua aerobics 2 afternoons a week, and I like to read.

SirChenjin Sun 15-Sep-19 20:28:06

DH is a total home bird and doesn’t have any hobbies or interests that take him outside the home, and doesn’t have any friends - it really worries me but he’s quite happy, and he keeps very busy with work and ferrying our 12 year old to various things. I’m far more outgoing so I will socialise with my friends and pursue my various interests on my own. We obviously go out together as well and have great fun, but I’d go mad if I didn’t have my own separate life outside of the family and full time work.

gillybob Sun 15-Sep-19 21:32:20

Apologies but Maybe I haven’t explained myself very well at all.

I do not have a social life of any kind. With or without my DH. I have no friends. It’s not about having the house to myself. It’s about being sad, lonely and having sweet fa to look forward to.

Sorry for the mini rant, But I just hate Monday eve, thinking about another shitty week in “that shitty place” doing shitty work that I hate with no sign of ever being able to get out of it ...ever.

GagaJo Sun 15-Sep-19 21:39:46

I'm quite anti social and my bloke is VERY outgoing. Most of the time he goes on his own. He'd LOVE me to be outgoing and friendly, but I'm not. And I'm getting even less so with age.

I go to work and stay at home. I do take my grandson out to playgrounds etc, but I really wouldn't thank you for pubs/parties/events. Those that I have gone to in the last year (2 or 3), I have been downright miserable and have spoiled them for the OH. He's much better off going on his own.