Is this emotional abuse?

Manny, just one question: why are you still with this man?

Sounds like he could be on the autistic spectrum. Possibly Asperger’s syndrome. Knowing this doesn’t change the situation though. x

You can live seperate lives without divorce .You said he is so busy with his hobbies so why don't you get on with your own life . He probably wouldn't notice you wasn't there until meal times ( like most men ) . Join a few clubs , start having lunch out once a week with girl friends and see where life takes you . He probably take more notice when he realises you've got a life .

Manny, he won't change and dont think for one moment he will. If you can live in one house, let him get on with it. I personally would not put up with this *p for one minute.

Family visit where Manny? Do you live abroad but have a house in UK? Not sure where you flew to where he didn't contact you?

Doubt you will change him t.b.h. Still doesn't sound like he is controlling you though. Sounds like he just doesn't care?
Sounds like you just want him to care more than he does?

Up to you what you do. I know what I would do.

I’d certainly like a man who hasn’t squeezed my family out!
He’s been given a lot of support from me over the years. It’s very disappointing. It’s also very controlling. What I want is ‘for him to be different ‘ Sure - I’d like to have family visit for a couple of weeks a year without all the tension. Too much, do you think.

Manny from what I read you have been like this for several years? Also read that you go and visit your family alone?

Sounds to me that your husband doesn't stop you doing what you want and what you want is for him to be different?

Not going to happen is it?

If you have two houses and can go to either then why not go there, live your own life, forget about him. No need to worry about divorce because doesn't sound like he will follow you?

If you hang on hoping for something that won't ever happen, you are just wasting your life.

Not sure of finances etc but you can always re-write your Will?

But reading between the lines I feel you just want a man who isn't the man you are married to?

I had an official separation when all financial stuff was officially sorted. And a new Will made.Jj

Later I divorced him.

I can see that not one poster has suggested you would be wrong to leave. Please take care of yourself.

Let him get on with it. It's unacceptable behaviour, can you continue staying married but do your own thing? Tell your children how things really are, don't cover up. Do what is best for you. Would divorce and splitting the home be so daunting? I would rather be on my own than live as you do, I couldn't handle the stress. Ask Yourself why you stay with him.

You arent being abused, manny- You are being neglected- He's neglecting to address his own issues and whatever issues that have arisen that you have with him as a result- Its a vicious cycle- You obviously care about the man- But you can't force him to change- You took a step and left, removing yourself from the environment- But you come across as still stressed, not experiencing any relief despite not being in his company- And that's on you, not him- There's no eggshells to walk on, nobody else in the home to neglect you except you- Just enjoy the peace of being alone with yourself, quiet your mind, and take care of yourself- Nobody is pressuring you to leave or stay at your current location- Use the time wisely- Instead of wasting time wanting him to be someone he isnt-

Grapefruitpip You're absolutely right. That's why he does it. He's painstaking and very good at it. What worries me is that he has no other resources to draw on, and when he's no longer able for it, he'll be at a total loss. Difficult to endure, as the focus is always on something other than his relationship.

I dont really understand how you both got together, given he must have known you had family when you met. I find it increasingly disturbing the amount of posters on here, whose lives seem to be made hell by inconsiderate and downright selfish men. It seems they get worse as they get older, dont stand for it. If you are in one house, let him stew in the other. I wouldnt go running after him and yes, I do think it is emotional abuse.

Is he perhaps slightly autistic? If you still feel affection for him you might consider not divorcing him. From what you have written you seem not to share whatever it is he follows online.

He may have an interest which very few people share.

He at least deserves an ultimatum from you.

I promise you being on your own is better than living with emotional abuse ( you are) Divorce is stressful but worth it. Get legal advice, get support, but leave . You deserve a better life than this.

What's " in it" for him organising reunions? Avoidance of emotion,obsessive attention to detail, plans, routes, facts, numbers.

CrazyH
Just put the name in the search box ?

I believe what you are suffering is emotional abuse. DD3 has just finished her relationship with my GC’s father as he behaves in a similar manner. DD’s father and wife did not want to visit and I have found being in the same space as him could be very intimidating although I continued to help with child care and said very little. TBH, bad manners didn’t even start to cover his behaviour.

My DH was very involved with the local fishing club and spent many hours doing club business but he usually found the time to be sociable with friends and family. Yes, it was lonely sometimes but he did his best.

Personally I think you would be better off emotionally without him.

I have also had the emotional abuse when the other half has tried to prevent me from seeing friends and family. It left me very depressed and blaming myself for not being good enough. Eventually with the support of others I left with no idea of the future other than to keep some sanity. This was an earlier relationship.

Two DDs have also gone through very obstructive divorces but they are happier now. Divorce is not easy but I hope your family would at least give you some moral support.

Good luck, whatever you decide but nobody deserves to exist in such a relationship in this day and age. ???

If you aren't happy with divorce then why not apply for a judicial separation? I know that it can be useful if you need to sort out financial affairs but don't wish to divorce,perhaps for religious reasons. You can still divorce at later date if you so wish.

It doesn't matter if it is emotional abuse or not, if you are unhappy then you should do something . I don't see that staying as you are is really benefiting you is it?

No - at the beginning he wasn't - otherwise I would have run a mile! He organises reunions, basically. Not just a few people. Its a big commitment and takes up quite a lot of time. In the run up to these, he becomes very tense. I don't want him to stop, I just want him to put boundaries on it i.e. length of time spent on internet. What worries me is that he has no other outlet. He's not going to be able to do this for ever, and he has nothing to fall back on, so that'll be very uncomfortable for him.

I think, give him a chance. Book him an appointment at a very good GP. Check there is nothing underlying, physical or mental.

Has he always been like this?

The bloody hobby sounds hideous....is it collecting something?

After the chance and 6 or so weeks, look out for yourself.

Divorce may be horrifying but it can't be as bad as living like this. I think you would be happier on your own. The decision is yours to make and I hope you resolve things soon.

It may be emotional abuse or has he a mental health problem? I know this is often a 'fall back' excuse. He has alienated all his children - my dad did something similar. He was a bully and everyone in the family suffered. Mum should have left him but people of her generation didn't, they just put up with it. I'm sure you don't have to.

It's very hard to see what you could possibly be getting from this relationship, Manny. I am assuming he is not the father of your children? From what you've told us, your children & their families give you much more pleasure than your husband ever will, whether it's called emotional abuse or anything else.

Go and see a lawyer or contact Women's Aid, who could help you find a way out of this. Also, protect any money or savings you may have, in case he decides to play dirty. Good luck.

Manny as another person on here pointed out, you posted this problem on here 2 1/2 YEARS ago. Nothing has changed then? You've got 2 homes? (You say you've gone to your full-time home), so why not live there, alone, and leave him to be on his own?

As the thought of divorce horrifies you- and indeed it will surely be an unpleasant and undoubtedly expensive business, would it work to unofficially separate- just lead your own lives. I say this as I am assuming you have two homes, which would make this arrangement simpler- without all the aggravation. Just let him get on with his life and you get on with enjoying yours and your family without him and his negativity.

It does not really matter what you call it - it is making you miserable and what matters is that you need to get away from this. Divorce or whatever makes no odds - just take whatever steps you need to lead your own life. Challenging I know - but what is the point in letting this continue. You don't have great chunks of life left now - don't waste it being miserable.