DD (only child) going to live in California

My heart goes out to you but you will develop a new norm and with your friends support will get to grips with it.

When my twin went Australia 26 years ago it was £1 a minute to phone. My parents did go and see her 3 times over the years but there was no Facebook, WhatsApp and only airmail letters. It was 5 years before I saw her after she went.

Out for lunch today with a friend whose son is in America she said I probably hear from him more than I would if he was here. I miss a physical hug but knows he loves me.

I certainly hear from my sis a lot more than my brothers and have seen her more in the last 2 years than my eldest.

Good luck ?

Hi cotswold lass
I know exactly what you are going through. My eldest DD emigrated to California 20 years ago with her childhood sweetheart partner, (they are now married) with our 2 grandchildren 3&6 years
I was beside myself. It was like someone had ripped the heart out of me.
I learnt to live with it and carried on studying to become a Beautician and opened my own salon
My youngest daughter then met an Australian In London where her company was and that was it
I knew she would emigrate as her sister had done so, and she was going and froing back and forth and then she did it. I was in despair, they got married there and I went over for the wedding 10 years ago, they have had 2 beautiful girls who I adore and have been over a few times to visit.
I had to have counselling and antidepressants as I just couldn't accept both my DD and 4 grandchildren gone and was crying all the time.
I have no other children.
I no.longer have counselling but still on the meds I have learnt to accept it and recently retired so when I go visit I can stay longer, my DD give me the most wonderful time when I visit them and we love each other very much.
It is hard even after 20 years of it, but I know they have good lives, good husbands and wonderful family
So I have to be thankful for that
X

My 2 DD went to live in New Zealand and son went to the USA. We decided to move to NZ......2 years later DD2 comes back to UK, earthquakes hit NZ DD1 moved to Australia and eventually we came back to the UK. We saw them all this year for a family wedding, we are all going to Australia for granddaughter wedding in 2 years and we have visited USA several times.

Our son is keen for us to move to USA now we are older but the health care costs would be prohibitive and it’s not easy to get in unless you are well off or have a job etc etc.

My advice is let them go, yes it’s hard but you bring your children up to spread their wings and fly, don’t tie them down or put them on guilt trips, give them courage faith and lots of support. My children both in USA and Australia have fantastic lives, homes etc. While we here in Blighty live in very small homes, pay all kinds of bills not found anywhere there and have to choose carefully what we spend our money on if on a small income. It will get easier with time then there is Skype so makes everything seem that much closer. You can sit with a cuppa in front of the screen and your daughter can have her cuppa and you can have a right old natter but no hugs is the only thing. I hope you find a solution, my advise would be don’t follow your children to another country, we learnt that the hard way.

No flack from me, Gonegirl. I'd be just like you.

I think I'd feel similar to you. But obviously they must go and take up the job offer. However it might well not be a permanent one and they might well be back. For those who say, 'go and join them' - have any of you faced the US immigration dept? They aren't keen on anyone just wandering over there and setting up home!

I like to see and hear from my four children. I don't miss them, though, when they're not around - and never have. I always think my 'parent' job is done and over with. It was tough so it's a sense of relief. Two of them have lived on the other side of the world and I'm proud of their independence.

Maybe because I've had a career, my own friends and interests, I've never felt lost or abandoned without their company. Cotswoldslass should consider moving close to her daughter, I think, as she feels so strongly attached to her.

If they settle Winter in California and summer I the Cotswolds

Hello Cotswoldslass, I think the first thing that I would do is to find out that should the breast cancer return ( I hope not) what would be your options be re further treatment in America.
Maybe take it one step at a time and slowly think it over. You may be happier and also your daughter being closer to each other. I wish you well, chew it over. xx

It must be hard to face your only child moving so far away. I’m sure that you will grow to accept the situation, and hope that they keep in regular touch with you. Hopefully, they will decide to return to the U.K. if not, it’s something that you will come to accept, I’m sure. Four of my five children moved to Australia, the first over twenty years ago. One daughter came back after seven years, when she split with her husband, and now lives very near me.

I will be making my ninth trip over there in November - this time to walk my daughter down the aisle. It will be lovely to see them all again, especially my 2 year old granddaughter, and I will be there until the end of January. In the meantime we will continue to have lots of chats on social media.

The USA is much nearer to visit, and I’m sure that you will enjoy going over to see them. It’s natural for you to be sad, but try not to let yourself get too depressed. Our children are meant to fly the nest. Some fly further than others, but some migrate back home again!

I had three children in two and a half years. They all went off to uni, one at a time, and when the youngest one went it was a bit difficult to begin with, but I had a fabulous career and my husband and I had some great holidays.
My daughter always wanted to work abroad, I always told my kids the world was their oyster, don’t get married too young, embrace your youth and freedom, so my daughter did just that. She is soon to be 40 and has lived abroad, in four different countries since she was 24. She comes home at Xmas and always for a couple of weeks in the summer.
My eldest boy is married and lives in Scotland, Edinburgh. We live in the South of England, but we see him also twice a year.
My youngest lived abroad for five years then came home when he and his wife were expecting their first child. We adore having them close by, but....and it’s an interesting but....I realised our choices are really limited because they live locally. I have always been a very happy and keen European, I am not happy to have my freedom of movement removed so would really like to move back to France where we used to live. The dilemma is that my son was probably be very upset that we chose to move away.
We always raised our kids to be very independent, I didnt expect any of them to end up half a mile from where they were brought up!
Children should live their own lives and feel they can live anywhere, I left home at 18 and never lived closer than a three hour drive from my folks. Maybe it’s how you are brought up, I’ve never felt the need to live close to parents or children. Modern life means families are seldom living nearby unlike 50 years ago. But technology is so brilliant, FaceTime, Skype... all keep us in close contact.

Whenever I see an unhelpful or self-centered post I look up to see who's made it and nine times out of ten it's from a certain person who should definitely be ignored

What a silly post.

Whenever I see an unhelpful or self-centered post I look up to see who's made it and nine times out of ten it's from a certain person who should definitely be ignored. However it's great to see the loving and supportive comments and advice from so many others who are in a similar position to the OP and wonderful to note how much their distant sons or daughters want to keep in touch and visit, whereas some people can live around the corner from family and never see them.

Hang in there Cotswoldlass and keep your sights on all the positives the future will hold. And if you feel it all becoming overwhelming you can always vent on GN again and know 99% of people here will help you get back on an even keel.

Mind you, as one who absolutely hates video chats.....

I didn't know I did feel sorry for you sarahellenwhitney. Don't think I've read your post.

I understand how you feel. My daughter and grandkids live in the USA and we haven't seen them for 5 years. (Visits aren't easy for everyone, often for financial and/or health reasons.) We do speak regularly on Facetime and I know their life is good, which is a comfort.

But from the point of view of those left behind... You are grieving. In private, let yourself howl. Cry as much as you need to. Get it out of your system. You can't keep a stiff upper lip all the time. When you are alone, grieve as much as you want and need to.

It does get better in time. The sense of loss does not disappear completely but it gets bearable. Hang in there. I wish I could give you a hug!

Gonegirl
You don't need to feel sorry for me.I see myself fortunate where my children who live the other side of the world are concerned. Hardly a day passes, and through technology, when they or myself are not able to (not do not want to) see or speak to each other .
Through GN we see many although having family living almost on the doorstep are from some dispute not on speaking terms, or allowed to see their grandchildren and visiting out of the question.So are we long distance grans that unfortunate.?

By going on I mean about me lol, didn’t read back correct

Cotswoldlass........ everyone has said the same but wanted to add, love to give you a hug. You’ve done an amazing job with your daughter and she will know this and love you to bits for this. Going through this for a few years now myself well my only child daughter lives three hours away not the same but when the traffic is bad it’s five hour drive to see her. I miss her terribly and always will. One thing I learned was to always be there for her and she rings me twice a day after three years but I’d feel just the same as you. Don’t want to go on though

I haven't been in your situation, but I really feel for you.

This has come as a shock and you are reacting to the shock.

Try to be proud: you brought your daughter up to be independent and have obviously succeeded. Like all mothers you wanted the best for her.

Right now, she and her partner feel the best thing is this move.

You know you will miss them, they will miss you too, but that probably hasn't struck them yet.

It is all right to be weepy right now, but try to find a way forward in your changed circumstances.

Don't promise to move - moving to a completely new country is difficult at any age, but IMO gets harder the older we get. Could you really afford to live in the USA? Do you want to? You may be able to take your pension with you, I don't know, but you would find yourself paying for various forms of health care etc.

Try to find a new hobby so you have something to fill the hours where you feel really blue.

Remember that Skype etc exists. If you are not confident about using modern technology, enrol in an evening class and learn all about it, and hopefully meet some new friends, some of whom are in the exact same situation as you are.

Your daughter has said the move might be permanent, so they might decide to come back home again.

My daughter went to live in the US 8 years ago and her parting words were 'don't worry mum, I'll be home in a year and I won't marry an American!" - guess what - I have a lovely American son-in-law and a beautiful American granddaughter. I am so proud of my daughter's independence and fearlessness. She has a lovely life there and I would never encourage her to change her lifestyle for me even though I miss her everyday. It's very difficult.
Negatives - California is horrendously expensive, particularly LA and San Francisco so please look into this very carefully. I don't know how you are going to get healthcare as I am not sure how this works. As for residency, it will take your daughter a few years to get residency if she has gone on a green card with her job, and another few years to get residency for you so don't expect things to happen overnight. Esta,- the visa waiver, only allow you to stay for 3 months and the US embassy site is a nightmare to navigate. Positives - who wouldn't want to live in the Californian sun permanently - it's beautiful there, the coastline is magnificent and the people friendly. Let me know how it goes - I would love to hear updates.

Gone girl
No flack from me, I would be just like you.

Maybe she will make a better life for herself over there,Britain is not in the best state at the moment.
You will of course miss not seeing her as often and that will be so hard.She could be putting on a brave face for you too so maybe you can both have a good cry together.
I awake the flack for saying this.

One has to stop thinking of oneself. Let others do what they want to do. Some people do not even have a dog, cat or WI!

I brought my two girls up on my own from ages 3 and 5. We were always the '3 Musketeers', and they were my whole life. Then came Uni and they both did well, moved to London, got good jobs and partners.
I was empty inside for ages as I couldn't see them as often as I wanted. The main thing that I found helped a lot was having lots of photos around and Skype/telephoning every week.
They have their own lives to lead now and the hardest thing for me was realising I was no longer the centre of their lives and having to step back and hold my tongue until I was invited to give my opinion. But now, 2 grandchildren later, I see them 3 or 4 times a year and I think that's good as they have confidence enough in me to look after the children while they go away too.
I'm here if they need me and we text all the time. It's fine.

My son went to Australia 20 years ago and stayed. He now has Australian citizenship. He has been back for holidays several times, and we go over there when I can face the long plane trip. He now has a lovely partner and a beautiful baby son - and they are moving back here! They say they want their son to grow up knowing his family. They probably won’t stay for ever but we are thrilled that we will have a few years of their company and watching the little boy grow up. So don’t despair, you never know how things will pan out.