Like spending time with AC on my own without 2nd DH

As a married male I do not get why you married your current husband if you want him to not be fully integrated into your family.

I understand you wanting to have some limited mum son time, but your words imply that when your son is around that you don't want your husband there at all. Maybe you need to reassess what you do want.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I'd guess your DH is trying in his own way to also get to know your son while he is there.
I don't understand why it is, that many women post on here, complaining about their DH and seeming to expect the poor men to be mind readers! Please talk to them and be honest with them please!
Nothing wrong with wanting to spend time with son, but like others, go out for a meal or lunch or something to spend time with him and why do you say "Fairly happy with DH generally" as if he is something that you bought from a supermarket and are reviewing?

There's always the possibility that your DH feels he has to be around when your AS visits so as not to appear rude by going out - he may even prefer to go out, if you suggest he might like to nip down the pub. Or you could see your AS alone in a cafe

Have you tried mentioning this matter to your husband? I'm not clear about that reading your post.

When our son comes for a visit, I sometimes want to discuss things with him without my husband present, so either my son and I go for a walk, go shopping together, or simply say to DH that we have matters to discuss alone.

Our son and his father do the same when they want to be sans moi. No problem.

I don't think it really matters whether they are the children of both partners in the marriage or not, after all when they were small you didn't always do everything as the whole family`, did you?

I’m afraid my husband is the same. I often think it boils down to ‘retired man syndrome’ - whereby they have very few interests and hobbies and need their wives to be their companion all the time. So it follows that they feel as though they are missing out and do not know how to fill the time if you want to see children alone. I do not have any tips on how to surmount this but I know it can cause problems.

Talk to your husband?
And why the need to all sit there on your phones when the three of you are together?
Do pleasant stuff as a three
And then do stuff just work your son having had a kind conversation with your DH

Hi my adult son and I meet about every six weeks for a meal to catch up even though I see him every week briefly when I’m at his house looking after grandson no 2 for the day while parents work. It works well for us. My partner understands my need to see him alone and my sons wife is ok with it too.

Hi Hetty I don't think wanting to spend time alone with one's adult children is only an issue in step-families, I think it can happen in born-of families too. I really like spending time alone with my AC and that includes not always having their spouses around!

So I grab opportunities e.g. a walk to the local caf with my son when he is sent to buy more milk/bread/ice cream, or tagging along when my son takes my grandson to the park so we can chat whilst the little one plays, or picking my daughter up for a coffee, and we leave her husband at home.

Sometimes our children will be here and my OH will be watching sport on TV and rather than having the guests lapse into fiddling on their phones, I suggest a walk or decamp to the kitchen for a chat. No one needs to be banished to their room!

I'm a big believer in letting people "do their own thing" and "going with the flow" and I make sure everyone in my family knows that so there are few expectations to conform to rigid plans when we have visitors. Otherwise, it's just too damn hard!

My point is, it can be done!

Have you mentioned this to DH?
Suggested how you would like things to go.
You can't expect DH to stay in the bedroom while DS is visiting so what would you like to happen?

I agree Summerlove don't see why your husband should leave his home HettyMaud
If things are a bit strained then a meal or drink somewhere else should give you one to one time.

My daughter is coming to visit this evening and staying overnight. My (second) husband does not like Chinese food so I am taking the opportunity to go out with my daughter. He can have a peaceful evening on his own. He will be happy with that.

I have the opposite problem. I often include my husband in visits to AC. The grandchildren love him. My husband on the other hand always wants to see his AC alone. Then they come at Christmas and I'm supposed to know how to chat to them. I have asked him How can I when they are strangers to me? So I think it's nice that your husband wants to be included but it's still nice to have time alone too. It's easily arranged.
I too miss living alone sometimes. Being married can be claustrophobic, especially if you lived alone for a few years before marrying. Perhaps you are together too much.

Could you tell your husband you want time alone?

It seems extremely unfair of you to expect him to get out of his house without speaking about it, but is it possible you and your son could go out for a meal?

Thank you for such a kind reply Stella 1949. I am going to ask my son if he would like a coffee in town tomorrow. Very difficult with families and 2nd marriages isn't it. I often feel very torn.

Yes, I know what you mean. My son and my 2nd husband are just not "on the same page" about anything , so we rarely spend time with my son at all. I used to invite DS over for a meal sometimes, but the atmosphere, although polite, was never relaxed so those dinners have been cancelled.

I guess I'm lucky that , because I take my son's children to and from school every day, I do see my son on his own at his house and we have a chat.

Could you ask your son if he'd like to go out for a coffee or lunch in a cafe , just the two of you ? Or would your DH expect to come along too ? I know it's difficult when your husband isn't your children's father. You feel you have to be loyal to your DH but the deep emotional ties are with your children. And having your mother there too - you really are stuck !

I hope things get better OP. Sorry I'm no help .