Daughters cold house at Christmas

Maybe your dd would be more open to visit her at her place if you did not try to convince her to change the temperature of her home?

If you know it will be cold - then pack hot water bottles, extra sweaters etc. I spend Christmas at my brother's v cold house - I wear more layers than I would ever do at home, and survive that way. I would not feel it was acceptable to up thermostat level. No doubt she has her reasons for keeping the house cold.

Sorry, I typed ‘sister’ instead of daughter.

I think you’ve taken a lot of criticism on this post, BarmeyOldBat. I think your sister is being difficult - particularly as the ‘professionals’ have tried to persuade her to put the heating on. I have no suggestions for you, but I don’t think your Christmas Day should be ruined .

My brother is like this her has Asperger and will not put the central heating preferring to us an electric heater. He even washes in cold water doesn’t matter what I say it is his way or no way so I just let him get on with it and when he complains about the cold once again suggest putting the heating on. He says no point he is only in one room?? I have also begged him to look into getting a transfer near to me and all he says is well I will have to one day only then it will be a frantic job to organise. What can you do

Oh Nannan2 what a sad story ?

If your daughter wont move to live nearer you,could you move nearer her,to support her better?but just for christmas,surely theres a small budget hotel nearby just on outskirts of the 'expensive' area? Theres cheap budget ones allover,and booking so far in advance brings price right down,or sign up to their websites for discount codes?or can her brother not help or put you up for just one night it sounds all 'do-able',plus xmas dinner can be bought nicely but cheaply at such as Aldi,Lidl,etc. I would look at all these options..maybe your daughter isn't the only one stubborn?

My late mum would not have central heating.there was some in a lovely new flat she got but she refused to have the gas turned on she said she wouldnt be able to pay both a gas bill and electric bill.(i was'nt in a position to help her financially then) she only had a 2 bar electric fire,a small electric cooker&small fridge & a tv, so smaller electric bill.the 2nd winter there she got bronchitis.she was coughing so badly it brought on a sudden heart attack.she was alone in middle of a freezing night.she died,aged only 69.she hadn't any other medical problems or anything wrong other than the bronchitis.But dr said lack of heating did not help.i wish I'd insisted she at least had gas turned on so could have used it when she really needed it.i still regret this.

Complicated. Say you'd like to get together at Christmas time and how about all going to XYZ for - meal - concert whatever. If no - say we'll pop in on X date for a quick catch up and coffee. If any problem with this just say 'Sorry but we are not able to cope with the cold the way we once were'. End of. Don't argue, don't feel guilty. She is being very unfair to you. (Having a cold house is a sure fire way of not having to put up with anyone for long... might not be just chance).

Those new little heaters from JML (approx £20) that you just plug into a socket are very good for the size- i use one in hallway to help warm up my unheated downstairs loo(i leave door open a bit to let heat in)works a treat. they're about 8" by 4" and they can be popped in the boot along with your thermals,electric blanket etc.and yes you can always leave her a £20 note when you leave for extra electricity.

If she is shivering too then i cant fathom that one really?my own 'boys' don't appear to feel the cold as much and say they're quite hot with the heating on,so if your daughter is shivering too then she surely must be feeling the cold,so i guess it could be a power struggle from her point of view? Is her behaviours and the way she is with you all part of her medical problems/learning difficulties? Can she get any help with that? Could it be a touch of ODD?(oppositional defiant disorder)my youngest son has a small degree of this but as its only just coming to light by drs etc its often overlooked. In the meantime,take extra woolies& socks,hot water bottles,an electric blanket for bed maybe?and/or a fan heater for your room only?and enjoy lunch.(would her brother not be able to have christmas with her if you cant go?)

Firstly I think you need to get rid of those guilty feelings. If she's happy on her own then I think you should accept that.
If you're staying over then maybe you could take a plug in heater to put in one room so you had a bolt hole to go to when you got really cold.
I get that it's a distance, (our daughter lives about the same distance away from us) but would you feel better if you just called to see her for an hour or two and then came home?
Obviously layering up will help, as others have said, and I like the idea of a hot water bottle or two.
i hope you find a solution, it must be a concern for you.

I agree with others an hotel (if you can book) would be a great solution and suggest a meal in the hotel too which you can take her to and from. I understand that travelling on Christmas Day is no fun so why not make a few days of it as even 50 miles is a goodly distance for some people.

My Mils neighbour was like this. Never had any heating on. He got stuck in the bath and died there from hypothermia. Was a very rich man but house was very damp and cold mouldy carpets etc.

Barmeyoldbat
On reading your comments hypothermia comes to mind.
You need to inform social services and although not personally knowing your daughter I do not believe from what you have experienced D is aware how living as she is doing is in her best interest.

My 2 youngest children (21&16) have mild cerebral palsy,plus some asd issues,youngest has asthma also,and they both like it colder- they both still live with me,so in winter when im ramping up the heating they still have their radiators in their bedrooms turned off and the window open.i sometimes ask if they can at least put them on the 'frost' setting,(lowest) as it sometimes interferes with boiler system if ive got all other radiators on but thats as most as they relent. They don't have much in way of bedding either,and older one prefers to sleep on top of the duvet rather than under it,and youngest prefers to sleep in just boxer shorts and has a spring weight duvet even in winter,hes often got a fan on in his room too! I cant understand any of this as i like to be warm,but its how they feel comfy- would your daughter allow you to compromise by having boiler turned on so you could turn on just the radiator in your own room if you stay at hers maybe,as a compromise?or as other posts have suggested,stay overnight somewhere and go to your daughters for christmas lunch? If you book ahead theres usually rooms to be had quite cheaply at such as premier inn,travelodge,holiday inn etc(ive done this sometimes at christmas when ive gone to one of my older kids homes for lunch,they live 70 miles away)as my sons can be cooler so not inconvenience to others, ,including staying a couple of extra nights when one of my GC arrived boxing day!

I have a friend who when visiting her daughter and partner faces the same problem. However, both girls are well off and can afford heating but choose not to have it on.
My poor friend does not want to lose touch with her daughter so she sits and shivers in silence. She takes warm socks, a hot water bottle and stays in bed in the mornings reading..

I have nothing but sympathy for you as you are obviously doing the very best for your daughter. Would she object if you took a small fan heater with you and just positioned it so that the warm air blows on your feet? If only in small bursts.

If this is not possible, and the thought of her spending Christmas alone upsets you (as it would me), wrap up warmly and limit the time spent in her home.
A 54 mile trip can be very pleasant and the roads will be quiet so you can enjoy a warm car and some lovely Christmas carols on the radio.

Good luck

NotSpag, what a good idea I will give it a try. Thanks for that. As for note from the boiler, no it doesn't make noise at all.

I would stay at home. You have made it clear to your daughter that you will be ill if you cannot have some heating on when you visit her in December, but it doesn't suit her to show you so much consideration that she puts herself out to heat at least one room properly for you when you come to visit.

That says it all, doesn't it?

She is an adult, and apparently both her carers and her GP deem her competent to look after herself.

She has made it fairly clear that she isn't bothered if you don't come, she would rather do without your company than accede to your reasonable request for a little heat during your visit.

Forget all the talk about central heating not being necessary for some of us, I am at one with you here, proper heat is necessary, if we are to be able to move, sit, lie, walk or even think properly.

Invite someone to your place for Christmas who enjoys being in a well-heated home. Phone your daughter by all means on Christmas Day to wish her a Happy Christmas, but please do not feel you need to feel guilty about putting your husband and your own health first.

Someone in my ME group has just told us about warm, light, fluffy throws that plug into the electricity that Aldi are selling after 24 Oct for about £35 pounds. Might help you to sit with her on Christmas Day or perhaps make a present she might use. I had a sick daughter. Not sick in this way but still very difficult. We really cannot take pain away from them because we love them and feeling miserable ourselves won’t help them or us. There is only so much we can do. Try to be kind to yourself too. But I know it is not easy. My blessings.

If she is concerned about her tenancy then that is a good thing. She obviously wants to keep her independence so it seems to be that this is the way to go.
The housing association family support may well be your best support as they may be able to "insist" in a way that families can not.
It's a very very thin line between safeguarding and interfering in some cases I know.
Thinking of you. And what a great solution for Christmas Day itself.

Sorry about the oil heater suggestion - they just seemed the most benign form of heating I can think of!

Regarding the post about there being no noise from a boiler or radiator mine is a quiet boiler but I can still hear it (if I'm sitting quietly reading or working) from all the downstairs rooms, but the thing that annoys me more is the new gas meter outside which I can hear both inside and out! It's annoying ticking is apparently "normal" - but not to me. Some of us are very conscious of noise around us. My fridge is humming at the moment and I had to go into the kitchen to see what it was. It sounded like a tumble dryer from the sitting room!

Lets get this straight, I do not expect the house to be boiling hot and accept that she does not like it hot.,we only have the heating on for an hour or so in the morning and light the fire at night. I have tried suggesting, as others have maybe heating two hour in the morning then on again a bit in the evening and set it for 18.

I have now to the point where I will not visit during late Nov, Dec and Feb unless I have heat. I have told the Social Worker the problem and she does know it anyway and asked the carers to inform the Social Worker with any concerns. I am now 72 as is Mr B and I have my own medical problems so I have no intentions in going along with her unreasonable behaviour.

Can't do anything with the boiler as its a Housing Association Bungalow and they won't do it, I have asked.

Wear lots of cashmere (and get wrist warmers from Turtle Doves - they make a huge difference), thermal underwear, take an electric blanket, have lots of hot drinks and try to enjoy yourself. You visit her at other times so why not Christmas? It's only a couple of days out of your life.

Is there any way that you can turn it round so she could see how the cold affects you and your husband?
It sounds as if being told that she is cold and if she doesn't have the heating on , it will affect her by XYZ, that she is grabbing the only bit of control that she can.
By saying that she doesn't care if she's left on her own for Christmas means she is actually feeling the opposite, it's a bit like a stroppy teenager stamping their feet and saying "I don't care so there!!" and stomping out of the room.
I am surprised that the cat even stays with her! They notoriously love warmth and will always pick the warmest spot in the house.
I wonder if it would be possible to speak to a heating engineer to see if it is possible to have the heating controls set so that she cannot fiddle with them ? There is a system called Hive that can be controlled remotely, from a smart phone, or maybe it would be possible to have the thermostat moved into a cupboard that can be locked or put out of her reach. The fact that she was sitting there shivering when it hasn't reached the coldest time of the year yet is worrying and suggest you involve her care team before anything more is done.

Maybe she likes it colder, I hate being hot and would much rather be in a cold house. I don't think you should be altering her heating, how would you feel if she sneaked in and turned off your boilers and radiators?
If you find it cold you can always take extra layers