Past hurts

You both need to start planning for his retirement asap. Good luck

Gingergirl
Your question is how now to cope /live twenty four seven with painful issues you were once content to forget /push to the back of your mind. Seek professional help on your own for a start. Would H object if you were at some point to suggest he accompanies you ?

Sashabel sounds like my situation. Things have been "difficult" for several years but both working we spent a lot of time apart. When he retired I realised what an even more selfish, self centred man he was who still expected me to do cooking, cleaning etc despite still working. A couple of years down the line and Im getting a divorce. He was surprised I had the balls to do it and its not going to be easy starting all over in new house etc but I've lived alone before and can do it again. He on the other hand will realise just how much this "lazy woman" does and that its not just the bricks (which he regularly tells me is his as he paid mortgage) that makes a home. If I take out all the things that I have paid for he will be left with 2 white goods,a sofa, a shed and garage full of tools. Sometimes the anger has been there for so long it takes a change in situation for it to really show. My option is better than murder/serious harm which is possibly what would happen if we stay together. Good luck op in whatever you decide to do.

Anger is such a negative and often scary emotion, whether it’s out or in. I hate seeing other people angry and I hate it in myself. I agree with posters who are saying you need to release these negative feeling.
Whether releasing them to your husband is the best idea is a completely different question. If he’s tried to put past misdemeanours to bed, thinks he’s been forgiven and generally doesn’t like shows of anger, what will your revelations do to him?
Will he counter attack with his own seething resentments over your past behaviour? Or will he be shocked that you are still angry? There are two individuals involved here, possibly both have things to regret?
Lots of things to consider here. Will it make the relationship better or worse? Will it take the shine of the future? Has he changed for the better? Do you have a prospect of a happy retirement together? What cans of worms are you likely to disturb?
If what you really want is for the past to never have happened, and can’t really forgive or forget, then maybe the retirement is the time to end things?
If however you really want to continue, I think the suggestions about trying to release the resentment alone or with a counsellor on your own are most sensible. If neither of these solves the issue, both of you discussing the past in a supportive environment may be the way forward.

Gingergirl - if you can afford it, go and visit a counsellor for half a dozen sessions - you may get some low cost counselling in your area and it's not uncommon for people facing retirement to do this because they're entering a huge transition with identities changing and new aspects of life to be contemplated. You can be open with a counsellor and talk about the past hurts and things your husband has done that you have suppressed in order to keep the peace. The counsellor will 'hold' these things for you and you don't have to go through the process of writing which may serve a very useful purpose of course, but it will nonetheless, make all these things become concrete (until you burn what you have written). There may be other influences contributing towards your anger that you haven't thought about so my advice is to seek professional help and you don't need to tell your husband anything at all unless you are in a position where it becomes necessary and then you can rightly say that retirement is marking such a change in your life that you feel you want to discuss it. Good luck.

I had quite a lot of counselling in the past and one technique that helped me was the empty chair. Picture the person that you have issues with sat in the chair, then let go. I thought it was a bit bonkers when I was asked to do it, but within a couple of minutes it really did feel like I was finally getting to have my say. Who knows, it might help. x

Ask your GP to recommend a good private counsellor. For different reasons (conflicting demands on me when I was ill and disabled) I saw a counsellor and it was life changing. I'd particularly recommend a female counsellor. As a widow, I have no one to chew things over with, and my counsellor is good at being non judgemental and helping me work out what is right for ME, not anyone else. I had a few sessions close together to start with, then could make an appointment whenever I wanted. Haven't been for at least 6 months, but know it's time I saw her again, to "offload".

A useful saying is that "If you can't leave the past behind, it will ruin your future" or words to that effect. My mum lived in the past, endlessly dragging up things from long ago. I try never to do that. I look forward, make plans for holidays, trips out, even redecorating to make a room just how I want it. As a widow you are so LUCKY to have your husband still alive and well. Make the most of it while you can. Mine died of a heart attack at the age of 58, so didn't even get to his retirement!

Gingergirl, you do well to recognise your anger AS anger. It's far better for your health to be angry than depressed.

Do be prudent about who you express your anger to. I approve of anger but thousands don't, and your husband may be one of those. You have a right to your feelings. You have a right to protect yourself against your husband's disapproval.One way to manage this is to accept him warts and all.

I sometimes write process letters. I write to the person, no holds barred , exactly what I’m angry upset about. But I don’t send it. I read it the next day and usually I see bits that are OTT, small stuff, not quite true, exaggerations etc and cut them out. Next day I look again and do the same. Finally after three days I’m left with something I do need to say but by then I’ve calmed down and I can deliver it in a way that is heard, understood, and taken seriously.

Anger sometimes hides fear. Plus we transfer our anger from somewhere it can’t be expressed to somewhere it can. I noticed I used to stuff anger at my mum and lo and behold it popped three days later at my hubby for nothing .

Ginger girl, the past is the past and we know we are unable to change that. I understand you have a lot of anger. Could I suggest you writing it down in a letter so you can get it all out of your system. Address it in your husbands name Don't show it to him then burn the letter or take it to a special place that's meaningful to you and rip it up and LET IT GO.

After four years of retirement we decided to see a counselor. We felt a bit "silly" because we have been together 33 years, but after two weeks we are already doing better. Whether it is reitrement or realizing we needed help, it was a good choice. We needed a way to navigate our life now and be happy and not let things fester like you said.

I would definitely see a counsellor to talk over what's festering - you never know; just telling SOMEONE can actually defuse anger, and she/he will be able to unpick it with you, and together you can plan a way forward. Having someone to discuss a problem with who is not involved in your life, who can be completely neutral, can be SO liberating. Good luck.

Ginger girl
As your husband retires soon, sit down with him and have a long chat about what you both intend to do when he retires.
You probably have your own ideas about things you want to do, make plans, realistic ones that you can enjoy together, to stay together you need to enjoy each other’s company.

Writing things down does help.I have writen all sorts of things on my computer,when things have been difficult, and it does help, in fact it is almost like a novel there is so much written, maybe a cue to writing one.Good luck Gingergirl,I hope you get some help.

Those who row have marriages and lives that last longer. Bottling up feelings leads to ill health and broken marraiges.

You need to find some way to communicate your feelings to your other half whether in a letter, or with a counsellor or face to face.

I do wish people realised that anger is a normal emotion and bottling it up is bad for your mental health! I am not an adherent of stuff upper lip! And believe that a robust but constructive discussion when someone has upset you or vis versa is often healthy and useful! Hats off to you being able to live years with someone who required you to bottle things up but I am not surprised you are feeling it now!
The counsellor idea sounds like an excellent one.

I read the OP with interest and wanted to ask a question , if you don’t mind Gingergirl , IF you did sit your husband down and relate all the past hurt one by one - what would you expect the outcome to be?

Are you looking for him to acknowledge that he did them? Or apologise for them? ( The chances are your memory of them will be either different from his or he won’t remember them at all) , are you prepared for that?

I agree you might benefit from counselling but I also think you need to take a long look at the things that caused you anger and work out what you want from releasing that anger?

Good luck!

I would write it all down, put the letter in a locked drawer or some other place where you can be quite sure no-one will find it for a couple of days or so. Then take it out and read it through, trying to make believe that the letter was written by someone else who has asked your advice. Write down the advice you would give her.

If this process leads to you feeling you must talk to your husband about some of the issues, or all of them, do so. If it doesn't, burn the letter and your notes on it. This is important, as a letter of that sort can cause immeasurable hurt if it is found when you are no longer here to discuss it with the finder. (Don't know if you have children.)

Apart from this or counselling, have you and your husband discussed what you would like to do once he retires? If not, please do. It can make the transition much easier if you both know what your own expectations, hopes and dreams are and what your spouse's are.

If he says he has no idea what he wants to do, suggest that the early years of retirement while you both have your health is the time to try and do some of the things you haven't been able to while working.

I must admit, I was very surprised when my husband asked me how I visualised retirement as I had just thought life would go on as it was just minus the job I was happy to stop doing and I was startled when it turned out he had other hopes for our future, but these have made life much more interesting than it would have been if my "vision" had come true.

Lots of 'bad stuff in the past for me too' and it is hard to forget it. Like you, I came from a family where anger wasn't expressed (my mother could give us the silent treatment for days though, which is just as bad!). When things are bottled up so long, I know it can all come out at once which just puts the person at the receiving end on the defensive and gets you nowhere. I beat myself up for years for not having the courage to leave but, a few years ago, around my 60th birthday when I had a party for women friends, I realised I had a lot of friends (only two I would trust with secrets though) and this made me feel better about myself and my choices (or non-choices some thought). My husband had already been working from home for some years (as was I) before retirement so there wasn't the big fear that you have of being in each other's company too much and, as he has always been involved in various groups, I began to make a separate life for myself too, doing things I like (that he doesn't) with friends. This may not be what other couples do in retirement but it suits us, and that's what matters and our relationship is at least on an even keel and we do see family together.

I also started writing a gratitude diary about three years ago, at first, every morning (I use an online app), jotting down three positive things. I don't do it every day now but it really does focus the mind to look at all the good things in one's life rather than dwell on the not so good.

I wish you well - just do whatever feels right for you, and enjoy your retirement.

hi there

could you write him a letter.............. I did this some twenty years ago and my husband still has it to this day. He never said much but I told him exactly how I was feeling.

Do you honestly still love him, have you asked yourself this?Could your feelings be telling you something? (Just a polite question not meant to judge at all)
We also recognise that retirement is a chapter in our life that we either welcome or resent, it is a sign of getting old and moving into that 'last phase of life' which can of course can be exciting and comfortable.

You really do need to get this out of your sytem as it is festering, and clearly you are feeling bitter. I imagine 'he doesn't like me to get angry' must be a major source of rage; I bet he doesn't - so you have been stifled and shut up in order not to annoy the person who has annoyed you so much...mmm.....sounds like a recipe for an ulcer to me!
There is much good advice here, as always, so I can't add anything other than please take steps to deal with it somehow, and then enjoy life - retirement can be wonderful. x

It makes me feel sad to read this.Does anyone else feel like me,and wish they still had their husbands?

Hello all you lovely grandma’s out there who are providing an excellent and cherished service looking after the little ones, I live in the Wembley area of London and would love ? to know if anyone knows of a group in the area that gets together for coffee moments and chats. Thanks carol. X