Is this Infidelity?

In general I have no objection to my dh having friends of either sex but a woman he has previously had an affair with? No way!!! It doesn't matter how long ago the affair was it's a terrible betrayal and the fact he claims he worries about her indicates he still has feelings for her. If he had any regret about the original affair and how it must have affected you at the time he would steer clear. He must know that his continued contact with this woman is bound to make you feel very insecure. The fact he has kept this contact secret indicates that he knows it would upset you. Doesn't matter if there's a lot of water under the bridge and the friendship is entirely innocent, his focus and priority should be on how his continued contact with this woman makes you feel ...not his own wish to stay in touch with a woman he betrayed you with.

I have no clue about whether I could continue with the relationship or not in the same circumstances but I do know that for all the reasons you state I might well come to the same conclusions as you. It is not always best to break up a very long relationship which is still happy in many ways. Good luck op. Hope things work out well for you.

What I meant to say was that staying together would be entirely conditional on him giving up this 'innocent' contact thought. That would be non-negotional,

Sorry, your husband is at fault. This woman contacted him but its down to him to say that he does not wish to resume contact. Im the type of person that would not put up with this. You have given your life to your husband and family, what has he given to you? I bet when you were young with a colicky baby, you needed his support, where was he exactly? It is irrelevant the fact that she has problems. You are his wife and should be his priority- not her. Only you can decide what you want to do if he continues having contact with her. It wouldnt be me.

I did once visit a woman my partner was having an affair with. I laid everything on the line, told her some facts and said I had no intention of leaving him, that our relationship was much stronger than the one she had with him and told her to back off. It worked!

He has let you down by not assuring you he'd rather have been with you all these years than with her. He actually has been with you all these years. He must be a very good actor if he has consistently wanted to be with his old sweetheart, and at the same time appeared to be a happy man.

Whatever happens, you are learning to think of your husband as rather less reliable than you previously did. It's possible to revise your opinion of him and still feel affection towards him. Whether or not you still feel affection for him still is not something you can choose but reflects who you are, not who he is. Your self esteem can survive this.

If he is decent man at all he will sit down with you in a friendly way and listen carefully to what you have to say about how you feel, and what you need.

Good luck kaycee I am pleased you have come to a decision that feels right for you. To be honest I think I would do the same. And don't apologise for thinking about financial considerations, it is important.

Kaycee I'm glad you have thought this through and come to a decision; we none of us know what we would actually do, only what we think we'd like to do under those circumstances.

I hope that the OW realises that things are never the same, people grow older and may suffer illnesses and that your DH takes off his rose-tinted spectacles and realises that the reality he has with you and your family is far more precious than any make-believe, unreal dreams.

I'd have done what Kaycee did if I'd had the chance. Lucky Kaycee

For better or worse you forgave him all those years ago and you stayed on even though his bad behavior could have ended your marriage. For that reason alone, I would think long and hard before giving up so easily and giving this woman any more attention than she already has and doesn't deserve.

Prioritize saving your marriage first, because as you said, you still love him and you've invested many years of your life into it. Bringing in the third party would be like stirring the proverbial pot. This is between you and your H and honesty is the best policy. Consider having a quiet talk with him, instead. Let him know that you saw his text and how that made you feel.

You may want to consider that after fifty two years, ending a marriage is no small thing and that at this stage in his life, divorce may not be a practical solution for him either. He may actually come to terms that it's time to end this so called 'friendship' for once and for all.

Weighing all these options ahead of time before you actually do anything is a sound strategy so you don't end up with any regrets going forward.

Best, Willa

Kaycee, you’ve made the right decision. You have a lovely family so don’t risk breaking it up. Think of the total devastation, the unhappiness it would cause.

You do need to let him know that you are aware of this other woman, my guess is that she is just a friend now and that he doesn’t see it as being unfaithful. Have that talk with him for your own piece of mind.?

It is sort of cheating. He obviously is keen on her or has a soft spot for her. Unless you want aggro let it burn itself out. You don’t want to be the loser.

i would lay the cards on the table. tell him you seen the mesages on his mobile .and say its her on me? harsh maybe .but he camt treat you like a door mat .maybe he think its ok to carry on ,seeing you forgave him last time. say enough is enough.but then again is it only texts ? or something more. ask him..

Confronting him and giving him an ultimatum means nothing. He knows OP won't leave him or give him any consequences, so it is an empty threat.
She will continue to be the dutiful wife no matter what

Why not try asking him why. What is it about their relationship that he can't let go of? Maybe just maybe he needs a friend as some of the others here have said.Being his wife is the most important relationship in his life otherwise he would have left you all those years ago but we all hang on to silly memories that lets face it in reality are no where near as glamorous but letting go of them is too painful to face.

It doesn't mean he doesn't love you it just means he feels a need to keep her as a friend, special, but a friend, secret because it is more exciting but it is something that is his. Try having an interest or activity that he doesn't do with you make new friends of your own. You never know what will happen but at least you will have something that is yours and not shared either. Lets face it its not likely to turn physical so what is there to be scared of, its you he is with.

kaycee

From my perspective, I think you made the right choice.

Yes, he's been deceitful but at the end of the day, it's you he chose to be with for 52 years!

Sure, confronting the other woman and 'teaching both of them a lesson' might bring satisfaction and feel good, but not necessarily get you what you need or the outcome that you want. That's the risk of allowing emotions to drive our actions, instead of reason.

I commend your decision.....A break up at this stage in your life would likely destroy everything you've built during your lifetime. It would also be detrimental to you physically, emotionally and financially. Lastly, it would hurt your entire family.

In life, we often choose the lesser of two evils and still rediscover happiness.

Best, Willa

The way I see it we never 'own' somebody (thank Heavens). So he texts an old girlfriend - so what? He's an ill elderly man, physically incapable of any real infidelity, just reminiscing about good times in the past. It's just not a problem unless you make it one.

Oh bless you. Poor love you sound like you've really given up here, and it is no wonder; it's the 3rd time he's done this to you.... shame on Him. Reading between the lines I believe your just too bloody tired to fight this right now knowing deep down he's done this 3 times now. so you know its bound to happen again.
I believe you will get immense help by seeing your doctor and getting a referral to councilling to help you fund the inner strength you so dearly have lost from your OH disloyalty. I have found councilling very helpful in the past. It will help you to get some oomph back to Confront your OH when you feel ready too.
In the mean time let your OH know you are aware of his 3rd betrayal and leave it at that (for now). Hopefully he'll cool it down or stop this again.
Deep down you know he is bound to repeat his behavior but by then you will feel in a better place, much stronger and ready to confront this and decide if this is how you wish to live the rest of your life?
Wishing you some peace if mind and sending heaps of strength and love your way.
Good luck. Please let us know how you are getting along in the future ❤️❤️??❤️❤️. Take care

One final thing....
I am in agreement with Callistemon. She has give. You some real sound advice.
Good luck hun xxx

Thank you all - given me lots to think about and reflect on.

52 years of loyalty from you this is absolutely not on.

I've been married 50 years and this is what I would do.

I would have no problem with ringing this woman up asking for her address and say you would like a long chat with her about your husband.

Tell hubby what you intend doing.

See what he says, I don't think there will be anymore cosy texts and drop his phone accidentally down the toilet.

Thank you jeanie99 - that made me laugh. Yes the toliet seems a good idea.

I would leave him. This isn't the first time with this woman, he obviously hasn't learnt that it's not right to cheat on you.

Mawbe is spot on.
She has mental issues ? I think she knows just what she`s doing the nasty cow bag.
You deserve better Let her have him.
And id`e give it 6 months max.