Is my friendship formula wrong

I’m sorry to hear of your situation. Friendship is a fickle subject not always easy to understand. I remember having to try and explain to my 10 year old daughter that some people just have friendships fall into their laps and they’re not always the nicest in the class ! I think you have to work at friendship. You don’t say how old you are .(sorry!) or where you live town or country. Set yourself a task of finding some group ... slimming. Voluntary work... learn a language. Even if you have to make the first move invite some round for coffee. Partners comment doesn’t help. Might not make it if you say no supper you are going out to a class! You are not alone.. if you lived in London we could meet for coffee!

Try a local Primary School. Go into the office and ask if they use volunteers. Most welcome helpers to listen to children reading, practical jobs helping tidy Book Corners, libraries, stock cupboards and so on. You’ve probably got skills that would be useful especially in an Infant School. How about your local hospital, most have groups of “Friends of the Hospital who do all sorts of jobs, directing people and providing refreshments for visitors. Be brave and get out there and see what’s about!

Good suggestions about U3A & volunteering.
I also veto slimming clubs.

It’s good to spend time with other people who are following their interests or doing something positive- you are more likely to forge friendships based upon shared interests or values. Pitch in & give it time for the connections to grow.

If things going well, accept invitations to stay on for a cuppa & chinwag, or get there early to help set up or stay a bit to help tidy stuff away. Be helpful, not a doormat I hasten to add.

I am not impressed by your husband’s comments. He sounds mean spirited & prone to putting you down (disliked??). I suggest you cultivate some indifference towards him & develop some more positive relationships in your life.

Have you considered getting a dog, or walking someone else's? Dog-walking can be a great way of bumping into people (sometimes literally), and friendships can develop in that way.

Local primary schools do welcome volunteers, but be aware that you may have to have a DBS check.
www.reed.co.uk/career-advice/dbs-checks-what-you-need-to-know/

Yes to volunteering for reading support at your local primary. Chums who do this find this a rewarding use of their time & take pleasure in seeing the kids progress.

Although adult friendships are less likely to come from this, you will be doing something worthwhile & positive, & this will boost your confidence & self-esteem.

Very good suggestion from paintingthetownred

My eldest daughter, (38) who actually has plenty of friends got an allotment recently.

Her first day there she ended up sat with 3 other ladies having a glass of wine in the sun.

Very friendly and helpful

Could be worth looking into

The best thing I did when I retired was go along to my nearest National Trust house and volunteer. 10 years later I'm still doing it one day a week. We are valued, we make friends, have regular meetings and meetups, a lovely Christmas party and, with an interest in common, conversation is easy. I have made a couple of special friends and we meet occasionally away from the NT property. If you go along and offer to work on one particular day of the week you will soon become one of the team of like minded people.

Hopefull, I don’t think you need a ‘formula’ but I do think others sense if you are very needy, and possibly will back off, simply because we are all a little wary of each other and mostly,need to develop friendships slowly. I would establish what your partners comments mean exactly -they are very unkind aren’t they- but they may help you to work out how best to be with the others in your slimming group. It is often harder to make new friends as we age but we all want to. I would say, to forget that neediness for a bit, genuinely show interest in the stories others have...what brings them to the group...be quick to accept others there, and slow to offer any judgement or advice. See what you can offer in the way of listening, accepting and supporting. We all want compassion and friendship from others. Good luck. Let us know how you get on- it will help others on here.

Your hubby sounds like a barrel of laughs.

Try to try not being too chatty, and listen. Make a few bits of conversation and build up. Listen and be kind. Try not to be nervous. Good luck x

It’s hard isn’t it. How about joining WI or a local friendship group ,craft group or walking group. Hope all works out for you

Hopefull, I am in the same boat. I honestly don't know why, perhaps I come across as strange or off putting at a guess? However, I have now - almost -accepted that it is the way it is going to be, I certainly don't seem to be able to change it. I am the one person, who finds themselves sitting alone in a crowded room, or who is always the odd one out in any conversation!
I do, whole heartedly agree with Delilia's suggestion, to you to get (borrow / walk / foster) a dog. Whenever, my daughters dog Roxy came to stay with us and I took her into town, people would chat to me on the bus, in the street and in shops and cafes! Its a trip I used to do often, with and without her, (not now as sadly that bus service is no longer running). However, if I didn't make the effort to say hi, talk about the weather etc, with passing strangers, without Roxy in tow I could easily have done it alone and in total silence.

Keeping going, remember, if its of any comfort, that it is their loss as well as yours!

hopeful1, I fully understand what you are saying. I often wonder what is wrong with me too but my husband tells me that I don't do anything wrong. I know I talk to much but that is often nervousness but I guess it might be wearing. I am trying hard to just ask people about themselves just to see if that makes a difference but at the end of the day, I am me and I have come to accept that I am somebody who has a lot of acquaintances but nobody close. At least I've got my animals to keep me happy if anything ever happened to my husband!

If you look to make acquaintances instead of friends you may be very, very lucky and find a friend amongst them. It is harder as we get older but you can't make it happen except by being in the company of others.

Hi hopeful, I'm sure there's nothing wrong, could you ask your partner, to elaborate ? I've been told recently that I ask too many questions, and was quite hurt, but have thought about it a lot and think it's probably true, as my mum does the same, and I've only just realised ! It's just me though, I feel I can't understand, unless I know more, if you see what I mean.I think if you meet up with some one, try to keep things lighthearted, and show interest in what their saying.I'm still learning like you.Hope you make friends soon.

Oh hopeful1 just how i feel. I have tried most things even slimming group but still no friends. Husband pushed friends away and now hes died i am alone and feel so so lonely. When i am in a group i know i am fine and get on with most. But outside of that i am so sad and lonely. Pm if you want to chat or meet if poss

Please don’t believe your partner. My husband once said that to me when I was at a very low point and I attempted suicide. Making friends is something that I think evolves naturally, rather than being something that can be forced. I only have one or two friends, and I don’t see them regularly. Most of the time I’m happy in my own company, but sometimes long for someone just to have a chat and a laugh with. Don’t give up hope, I’m sure there are people who would like to be friends with you.

I've moved around the country a lot and it is difficult. I do have old friends and a couple of newer ones. I'm lucky in that I'm quite happy with my own company. I've joined choirs, have an allotment and a dog and do voluntary work two mornings a week. I didn't do any of those things to get to know people but I've got a lot of acquaintances to chat to. I live in a large city and I think that a lot of people are in the same boat and perhaps easier to know than in small villages - though forgive me if that's wrong. Groups are the best thing but go because it's something you're interested in. Good luck.

And your partner is bang out of order. What a dreadful thing to say.

I haven't read all the replies, so many people may have posted better answers, but -

Tell your boyfriend to go jump in the lake - he is not being any help and is draining your life. Then take a look at what your life consists of. Are there things in it that make you feel cheerful? Increase those things. Are there things that make you miserable? Cut down on them as much as you can.

Make your life as strong and meaningful as possible. Perhaps you need some help from a GP or a "mood doctor" of some kind, possibly a short course of medication to change your course a little, perhaps something like a mindfulness course or reflexology - whatever will lift your spirits and make you feel more positive.

Don't go to things on a specific quest to look for a friend. That is rather claustrophobic for the people you meet, so they back off a bit to protect themselves from being swallowed up. Go because the event or the experience or the subject of a class or a workshop sounds interesting.

When you are there, enjoy it for its own sake and talk about it to the others. They don't need you to be particularly "nice" to them, unless they are even more unhappy at not having friends than you are. (Don't be nasty to them, obviously) Talk about other, similar things that you have been to or done, pass on any further info or contacts you have about the event, ask whether they know of any similar things happening in the area.

When you are doing more interesting things you become more interesting, and as a by-product you find yourself spending time with people with similar interests and attitudes and they gradually become the friends that you don't get instantly just by deciding that you want one (as you would go to a shop to buy something when you decided you wanted it. That doesn't work with friends.)

Sounds as though you could usefully ditch the boyfriend.

Elegran. I so agree with your last sentence!.

Something where you chat while you are occupied is much easier to get to know people. Art groups, knit and natter, reading groups, volunteering with others. Don't give up. It takes time. Good luck.

Our local WI has been a great place to meet new friends, particularly going to eg the book group where you are meeting like minded people. They are always short of committee members too. But it does take time to bed in with friendships. I have started going to classes at the local retirement centre, and again have met like minded people to go on trips with. From there it might be an invitation to coffee or a trip to a stately home. All these things take time to develop trust and confidence so dong be put off by the first few sessions, where it seems that people know each other already. Your husband is not being very helpful or supportive though.

I too definitely think your partner was horribly rude to say such a thing. I hope he doesn't usually make remarks like that.
The only possible excuse he could have was if you have been talking a lot about how hard it is to make friends, because most men seem to feel that it is sufficient to mention a problem once whether you find a solution to it or not.

Not that I am excusing his really nasty comment. He was quite out of order IMO.

Could you perhaps find a club or the like that does something you really like doing and try just to enjoy whatever it is, putting your need to make new friends on the back burner for a while?

People do tend to draw away if we seem too eager, perhaps we come across as being needy.

Have you moved recently? Or what has caused you to feel so friendless? It can take a while to meet people if you have just moved, and perhaps even longer to adjust to retirement.

If you have moved, would it be possible to keep in touch with former friends by writing e-mails?

I hope you find some nice people with interests that correspond to your own soon, so you aren't forced to talk to the grumpy puss you seem to share your home with.

Just a thought I know we have local meet ups but with so many feeling that it is impossible to make new friends what if we had a few area meet ups. I am thinking of a forum I belonged to and we all met up near Manchester Airport so it can be done. We had members from Scotland, Devon, London, BIrmingham and Lincolnshire. Maybe arrange a North, Middle and a South not sure if I am explaining myself well. I can tell you that I am still in daily contact with those ladies after almost twelve years.