Is my friendship formula wrong

My husband has made lots of friends since he joined a bowling club. In fact I now go out for lunch with one of his bowling pals who I met through him. I met her when I visited the bowling club one day and we started nattering and found we had a lot in common.

hopeful, it's not easy is it? I had loads of friends from the "school gate" years...all gone now. One of them is perpetually busy, I won't be asking again if she want to do something.

I have pushed myself into volunteering and doing an Art class. I don't see friends on the horizon but it's human contact which easily disappears if you are not careful.

Keeper1 A few years ago we talked about exactly that, and in fact we had a meetup in Edinburgh which we hoped would be a blueprint for other meetings. 20 people came to it, from all over the country, from Devon to Argyll, and some of the far-flung ones still meet up.

The question was raised again more recently, but nothing came of it. The problem is - who would arrange it? and where would it take place?

The Gransnet admin people have too much else to do, so it would fall on a willing volunteer - if we could find one! No-one rushed to offer. The venue is another hurdle. York was suggested as fairly central and with good transport connections, but there was a cry of "That is too far north to travel!" though it seems that those who thought so didn't also think that it would be too far for those from as far again to the north as York, if they had to travel to a southern "central" venue.

It fizzled out.

Go to church as you can attend without making friends immediately but you can sing, listen to the service, etc so you are joining in while at the same time people are getting used to you and getting to know you without you having to make an effort. Also people at church are very nice to everybody so you will find friends there I promise you

Wow, this seems to be a much bigger problem than I realised, I thought it was only me. I have moved around a lot due to DH work, I do have some wonderful friends, sadly they are either hundreds or thousands of miles away. I feel it even more since my daughter and family moved abroad for son-in-laws work. Sorry I can’t offer any advice as I could do with some myself lol.

Ask your partner what he means and what you do that "drains his life". Migh t help you to see/understand the problem better

I sort of know what the partner means. I know some people who are so intense that one really just feels drained after time with them. Just a light approach helps rather than instantly wanting to be best friends with anyone and bombarding them with phone calls/texts etc or trying to involve people in plans.
Friendship can take time to build. I don't think there is a 'formula'.
Don't try too hard but get involved in group social activities with others and keep attending.

Your husband doesn't sound very supportive!
The swimming club is a good idea, but will you have the chance to talk to the others outside the pool? I go to a swimming class and we do talk in the pool because we are not very good at swimming and also sometimes I have met up by accident in the cafe before the lesson. If they ask for volunteers for anything to do with the club put yourself forward as that might be a way to meet people and also see if there are any other classes or activities to join. Try as many as you can until you meet some people you 'click with' but try not to look desperate. Please don't blame yourself making friends is hard and even harder as you get older.
Also are there any

Sorry *hopeful,, I have just seen you say slimming club not swimming! I must get some new glasses! I hope the rest of my post makes more sense and still applies

Just in case this is useful ... I know someone who is very keen to make new friends and, to be honest, she always comes across as a bit desperate and, surprise surprise, people just back away from her (even me because she can be exhausting to be around). I would say get busier, volunteer in something you're actually interested in (lots of good ideas already from others), and then you'll have things to talk about to anyone you meet. Take it one step at a time. I know someone-else who has been going to the same fitness class for 3 years and she said it took her 2 years to really be seen as one of the regulars, to be start being invited for cups of coffee, and she has finally made a new friend. These things can take longer than you think.

Has *hopeful1 found a friend and gone off into the sunset with her ?

You can try too hard to make friends, I moved too, only 6 months ago and have joined a crafting group 10 miles away, only a few hours every week. No friends yet but people smile at each other and pass the time of day. Tai chi group soon, I am not expecting any prolonged friendships. I am friends with my new neighbours but want to keep it all at arms length, I know I could call in and I take their parcels and they take mine but there are friends and there are acquaintances and they aren`t friends like the friends I had at school, anyway they are male and I would want a female friend

The local small theatre, I got chatting with another widow, all good but it takes ages to make a real friend. I don`t honestly want any more energy-sucking friends, I know I am an energy giver and it drains me. So maybe do as I do op and just paddle about dipping toes in here and there and it may or may not happen. No point in yearning for friends like we had at school, that is long gone

Be busy, it stops the loneliness

When you're introduced to a new (but already established) group of people, remember you don't have to have a smart response to every topic, don't try hard to be too witty, smile and nod, no grumbling or moaning, take a relaxed approach, don't try too hard to be liked. Good luck.

Jane10
I know exactly what you mean. 5 of us who all live in the same Close go out regularly. But there is one of the group who irritates us. She always has to be home at a certain time because she always eats at a certain time. Worried about everything and anything. Won't do anything her husband wouldn't have done although he's been dead years!! And on and on it goes.

I had the same problem when we moved out of the area and although I joined a few groups found it hard making friends. I even attended an Alpha course through one of the local churches but everyone knew each other and didn’t welcome me to join them. Do you have Red Hat group near? They can be found in many towns, google Red Hat Society. I joined one and found them to be friendly. I’ve also heard good things about the U3A. I’m happy to be a pen pal too if you want to pm me. Sending big hugs.

Oh Ethel slimming and swimming!

Thank you so much for your kind and honest messages, certainly given me food for thought. I will try to hold back the desperate bit lol and get interested. Didnt realise so many people feel the same. Can be a lonely world out there.. thanks again for the support. X

I think it's more difficult to make friends when you are older. Everyone 'seems' to be in long-standing friendship groups. I'm really sorry to hear what your partner is saying to you. If this is indicative of his general responses it can affect your self esteem. Sometimes it's absolutely nothing you're doing wrong in trying to find friends; and more indicative of the people you are meeting are already established in friendship groups.

I actually do not have any friends at all. I have a full-time job that drains me. I've always preferred not to nurture friendships in my working-life, but I'm now paying the consequences of that. I am friendly and I know most people would say, if asked, that I am a nice person. I'm also single so have no one to go to a move with, walk, or coffee and chat when I have a little free time at the weekend - aside from my sister when she is free.

Apologies I hit the return too quickly! Despite a lack of friends, I've established a lot of meaning in my life, and have a lovely daughter and granddaughter. I am trying to practice gratitude, and nurture hopefulness that when I (eventually!) retire that I will make more connections with others.

I hope you find what you need

What does he mean you're draining his life? Has he explained that to you?

It's a complete mystery to me . I have joined lots of different groups and l have never made any lasting friendships. Do l try to hard or not hard enough. Some
people seem to make friends so easily. It would be great to have a local Nottingham group

Being too intense and demanding of time and attention? Being too serious? Worrying too much about tiny things? Going over and over old discussions? - I'd find these draining.

That was for cas58

I'm not sure this " joining things" is all it's cracked up to be.

I can remember when I was a teenager and so much wanted a boyfriend. I told my Gran and she said I should stop trying to get a boyfriend and focus on doing lots of interesting things instead. Maybe its a bit the same with friends. If you concentrate on doing lots of things you enjoy then you meet more people and become more interesting to them because you have lots to talk about. I have three volunteering jobs and in two of them I enjoy long chats with other volunteers just like you would with a friend. We dont meet outside of the jobs, but it doesnt matter. Once you have spent a few hours working alongside someone, talking as you work, you tend to get your friendship needs met. The only volunteer role which is not particularly friendly is listening to readers in the local school. I enjoy the time with the children, but I am there on my own to carry out a specific task and dont meet other volunteers, nor do we sit with the teachers. The friendlier jobs are with the Royal Voluntary Service at the local hospital and on reception at U3A.