Is my friendship formula wrong

Oh Ethel slimming and swimming!

I had the same problem when we moved out of the area and although I joined a few groups found it hard making friends. I even attended an Alpha course through one of the local churches but everyone knew each other and didn’t welcome me to join them. Do you have Red Hat group near? They can be found in many towns, google Red Hat Society. I joined one and found them to be friendly. I’ve also heard good things about the U3A. I’m happy to be a pen pal too if you want to pm me. Sending big hugs.

Jane10
I know exactly what you mean. 5 of us who all live in the same Close go out regularly. But there is one of the group who irritates us. She always has to be home at a certain time because she always eats at a certain time. Worried about everything and anything. Won't do anything her husband wouldn't have done although he's been dead years!! And on and on it goes.

When you're introduced to a new (but already established) group of people, remember you don't have to have a smart response to every topic, don't try hard to be too witty, smile and nod, no grumbling or moaning, take a relaxed approach, don't try too hard to be liked. Good luck.

You can try too hard to make friends, I moved too, only 6 months ago and have joined a crafting group 10 miles away, only a few hours every week. No friends yet but people smile at each other and pass the time of day. Tai chi group soon, I am not expecting any prolonged friendships. I am friends with my new neighbours but want to keep it all at arms length, I know I could call in and I take their parcels and they take mine but there are friends and there are acquaintances and they aren`t friends like the friends I had at school, anyway they are male and I would want a female friend

The local small theatre, I got chatting with another widow, all good but it takes ages to make a real friend. I don`t honestly want any more energy-sucking friends, I know I am an energy giver and it drains me. So maybe do as I do op and just paddle about dipping toes in here and there and it may or may not happen. No point in yearning for friends like we had at school, that is long gone

Be busy, it stops the loneliness

Has *hopeful1 found a friend and gone off into the sunset with her ?

Just in case this is useful ... I know someone who is very keen to make new friends and, to be honest, she always comes across as a bit desperate and, surprise surprise, people just back away from her (even me because she can be exhausting to be around). I would say get busier, volunteer in something you're actually interested in (lots of good ideas already from others), and then you'll have things to talk about to anyone you meet. Take it one step at a time. I know someone-else who has been going to the same fitness class for 3 years and she said it took her 2 years to really be seen as one of the regulars, to be start being invited for cups of coffee, and she has finally made a new friend. These things can take longer than you think.

Sorry *hopeful,, I have just seen you say slimming club not swimming! I must get some new glasses! I hope the rest of my post makes more sense and still applies

Your husband doesn't sound very supportive!
The swimming club is a good idea, but will you have the chance to talk to the others outside the pool? I go to a swimming class and we do talk in the pool because we are not very good at swimming and also sometimes I have met up by accident in the cafe before the lesson. If they ask for volunteers for anything to do with the club put yourself forward as that might be a way to meet people and also see if there are any other classes or activities to join. Try as many as you can until you meet some people you 'click with' but try not to look desperate. Please don't blame yourself making friends is hard and even harder as you get older.
Also are there any

I sort of know what the partner means. I know some people who are so intense that one really just feels drained after time with them. Just a light approach helps rather than instantly wanting to be best friends with anyone and bombarding them with phone calls/texts etc or trying to involve people in plans.
Friendship can take time to build. I don't think there is a 'formula'.
Don't try too hard but get involved in group social activities with others and keep attending.

Ask your partner what he means and what you do that "drains his life". Migh t help you to see/understand the problem better

Wow, this seems to be a much bigger problem than I realised, I thought it was only me. I have moved around a lot due to DH work, I do have some wonderful friends, sadly they are either hundreds or thousands of miles away. I feel it even more since my daughter and family moved abroad for son-in-laws work. Sorry I can’t offer any advice as I could do with some myself lol.

Go to church as you can attend without making friends immediately but you can sing, listen to the service, etc so you are joining in while at the same time people are getting used to you and getting to know you without you having to make an effort. Also people at church are very nice to everybody so you will find friends there I promise you

Keeper1 A few years ago we talked about exactly that, and in fact we had a meetup in Edinburgh which we hoped would be a blueprint for other meetings. 20 people came to it, from all over the country, from Devon to Argyll, and some of the far-flung ones still meet up.

The question was raised again more recently, but nothing came of it. The problem is - who would arrange it? and where would it take place?

The Gransnet admin people have too much else to do, so it would fall on a willing volunteer - if we could find one! No-one rushed to offer. The venue is another hurdle. York was suggested as fairly central and with good transport connections, but there was a cry of "That is too far north to travel!" though it seems that those who thought so didn't also think that it would be too far for those from as far again to the north as York, if they had to travel to a southern "central" venue.

It fizzled out.

hopeful, it's not easy is it? I had loads of friends from the "school gate" years...all gone now. One of them is perpetually busy, I won't be asking again if she want to do something.

I have pushed myself into volunteering and doing an Art class. I don't see friends on the horizon but it's human contact which easily disappears if you are not careful.

My husband has made lots of friends since he joined a bowling club. In fact I now go out for lunch with one of his bowling pals who I met through him. I met her when I visited the bowling club one day and we started nattering and found we had a lot in common.

Just a thought I know we have local meet ups but with so many feeling that it is impossible to make new friends what if we had a few area meet ups. I am thinking of a forum I belonged to and we all met up near Manchester Airport so it can be done. We had members from Scotland, Devon, London, BIrmingham and Lincolnshire. Maybe arrange a North, Middle and a South not sure if I am explaining myself well. I can tell you that I am still in daily contact with those ladies after almost twelve years.

I too definitely think your partner was horribly rude to say such a thing. I hope he doesn't usually make remarks like that.
The only possible excuse he could have was if you have been talking a lot about how hard it is to make friends, because most men seem to feel that it is sufficient to mention a problem once whether you find a solution to it or not.

Not that I am excusing his really nasty comment. He was quite out of order IMO.

Could you perhaps find a club or the like that does something you really like doing and try just to enjoy whatever it is, putting your need to make new friends on the back burner for a while?

People do tend to draw away if we seem too eager, perhaps we come across as being needy.

Have you moved recently? Or what has caused you to feel so friendless? It can take a while to meet people if you have just moved, and perhaps even longer to adjust to retirement.

If you have moved, would it be possible to keep in touch with former friends by writing e-mails?

I hope you find some nice people with interests that correspond to your own soon, so you aren't forced to talk to the grumpy puss you seem to share your home with.

Our local WI has been a great place to meet new friends, particularly going to eg the book group where you are meeting like minded people. They are always short of committee members too. But it does take time to bed in with friendships. I have started going to classes at the local retirement centre, and again have met like minded people to go on trips with. From there it might be an invitation to coffee or a trip to a stately home. All these things take time to develop trust and confidence so dong be put off by the first few sessions, where it seems that people know each other already. Your husband is not being very helpful or supportive though.

Something where you chat while you are occupied is much easier to get to know people. Art groups, knit and natter, reading groups, volunteering with others. Don't give up. It takes time. Good luck.

Elegran. I so agree with your last sentence!.

I haven't read all the replies, so many people may have posted better answers, but -

Tell your boyfriend to go jump in the lake - he is not being any help and is draining your life. Then take a look at what your life consists of. Are there things in it that make you feel cheerful? Increase those things. Are there things that make you miserable? Cut down on them as much as you can.

Make your life as strong and meaningful as possible. Perhaps you need some help from a GP or a "mood doctor" of some kind, possibly a short course of medication to change your course a little, perhaps something like a mindfulness course or reflexology - whatever will lift your spirits and make you feel more positive.

Don't go to things on a specific quest to look for a friend. That is rather claustrophobic for the people you meet, so they back off a bit to protect themselves from being swallowed up. Go because the event or the experience or the subject of a class or a workshop sounds interesting.

When you are there, enjoy it for its own sake and talk about it to the others. They don't need you to be particularly "nice" to them, unless they are even more unhappy at not having friends than you are. (Don't be nasty to them, obviously) Talk about other, similar things that you have been to or done, pass on any further info or contacts you have about the event, ask whether they know of any similar things happening in the area.

When you are doing more interesting things you become more interesting, and as a by-product you find yourself spending time with people with similar interests and attitudes and they gradually become the friends that you don't get instantly just by deciding that you want one (as you would go to a shop to buy something when you decided you wanted it. That doesn't work with friends.)

Sounds as though you could usefully ditch the boyfriend.

And your partner is bang out of order. What a dreadful thing to say.

I've moved around the country a lot and it is difficult. I do have old friends and a couple of newer ones. I'm lucky in that I'm quite happy with my own company. I've joined choirs, have an allotment and a dog and do voluntary work two mornings a week. I didn't do any of those things to get to know people but I've got a lot of acquaintances to chat to. I live in a large city and I think that a lot of people are in the same boat and perhaps easier to know than in small villages - though forgive me if that's wrong. Groups are the best thing but go because it's something you're interested in. Good luck.

Please don’t believe your partner. My husband once said that to me when I was at a very low point and I attempted suicide. Making friends is something that I think evolves naturally, rather than being something that can be forced. I only have one or two friends, and I don’t see them regularly. Most of the time I’m happy in my own company, but sometimes long for someone just to have a chat and a laugh with. Don’t give up hope, I’m sure there are people who would like to be friends with you.