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Don’t know how to feel

(33 Posts)
Kartush Fri 08-Nov-19 09:10:16

About a month ago my husband was talking to our son (who lives over 2500km away) and asked him what they were doing for Christmas (were they thinking of coming up our way) as we were thinking of visiting. My son said they were staying home as he had used up all of his holiday time and it would be nice if we visited. It was my birthday the other day and my son video chatted so my grandkids could say happy birthday. Towards the end of the conversation I asked him if Christmas was still ok. He said well no because they had decided to go camping at the coast, at which point my granddaughter piped up and said .. you should come camping with us granny cos you know ...and she mentioned my daughter in laws sister and her family. I found myself slightly flabbergasted, and just went no it’s ok we will do it later at which point my son looked very relieved and said yes maybe January would be better. I am at a loss, did he suddenly find holiday leave? Did he forget that we had asked if we could come, did they really not want us to come. I really don’t know how to feel

FlexibleFriend Fri 08-Nov-19 09:47:12

Why try and second guess? Just assume he forgot about you visiting and has accepted an invitation to do something with his kids. There's no point fretting about it. Just visit in January and enjoy yourselves, way too much is made of Christmas.

Gonegirl Fri 08-Nov-19 09:52:38

Why didn't you say, "Oh, I thought you'd used up all your holiday leave"? I would have done. Better out than in.

Why do people pussyfoot around each other so much? confused

Too late now. No Christmas presents for them then.

Gonegirl Fri 08-Nov-19 09:54:44

Could you perhaps afford to go away somewhere really nice yourselves? Not horrible camping of course. A really nice hotel somewhere.

No need to keep it a secret from son either. smile

Kartush Fri 08-Nov-19 10:32:05

Gone girl, the reason I didn’t call my son out on the situation was that there is a possibility that the decision to go away camping was my daughter in laws as it is her family that appear to be accompanying them and I did not want to put my son on the spot or make him uncomfortable
And Flexible friend, I understand what you are saying but ...he forgot ? We only are able to visit once a year and he forgot? Hence my struggle

FarNorth Fri 08-Nov-19 10:52:27

How long is the camping trip? Maybe DiL had arranged it with sister and DS didn't know, at the time he spoke to his dad.

Or Son said "It would be nice" and then forgot about it as it hasn't been made definite.

If your son has a good relationship with you both, I expect there's nothing to worry about.

March Fri 08-Nov-19 10:56:42

He could of already booked that off as holiday weeks/months ago. It could of been planned for a while and forgot, felt guilty and didn't say anything.

It could of been a few days holiday.

He could just want a holiday instead of hosting.

There could be lots of reasons. I honestly wouldn't worry.

jaylucy Fri 08-Nov-19 10:59:49

I assume that none of you live in the UK? Camping in December or January would be more of a punishment than a treat ! Although, my brother and SiL have often been in their caravan on Christmas day!
I'd guess he was thinking that no firm arrangements had been made for you to go and stay, or just that they will only be away from home Christmas day and Boxing day - travelling to you would mean that he would have to take more days off work if he has no leave left.
Just hope that they have a great time and look forward to a second christmas with the GC in January!

MamaCaz Fri 08-Nov-19 11:02:17

I think that once our adult children are in serious relationships, we just have to accept that there are almost bound to be times when we will take second place, all the more so when those children are sons.
In my experience, the woman in a relationship is much more likely to be the one who arranges their social life, and most men generally seem happy with this.

Almost certainly, the OP's DiL really fancied the camping idea with her sister and family, and prioritized it (how many of us, really, wouldn't occasionally prefer a holiday away at Christmas with people of our own age, rather than having to host a visit from the in-laws?)

OP, I would feel a little upset too in your place, given that your son had sort of 'agreed' to your visit, but perhaps it wasn't seen as a done deal by his wife, or any big deal if you were to go a month or two later instead, rather than at Christmas?

rosecarmel Fri 08-Nov-19 11:41:30

Kartush, it was your husband that originally discussed holiday plans with your son so I would leave it up to your husband to address the matter with your son-

Towards the end of your first post you said, "we had asked if we could come," - But in reality it was just your husband that discussed it-

It's entirely possible that your son made plans without first checking with his wife then ditched being responsible enough to call his dad back and discuss the change in plans-

Yet somehow the responsibility for the confusion falls on the daughter inlaw?

No- smile

The men discussed it- Let them discuss it again- If they are man enough-

wildswan16 Fri 08-Nov-19 11:45:07

Just let it go. Hope they have a good break over the holiday with others of their generation - it's wonderful that they get on well enough to go away together. Be pleased they are all having fun.

Oopsminty Fri 08-Nov-19 11:47:30

I'd be a bit peeved.

But as others have suggested, maybe his wife had made plans. Maybe he took unpaid leave. Maybe lots of things.

Best thing to do is wish them well and see them in the New Year.

But I can understand your feelings

Esther1 Fri 08-Nov-19 11:59:51

Try not to over think this - be cheery when you speak to your family and let it go. I know what sons are like - often pulled in several directions and it’s impossible to keep everyone happy. Just don’t make an issue of this even if you are puzzled and hurt and they’ll all love and respect you even more for it.

Buffy Fri 08-Nov-19 12:08:15

Don’t be hurt. Our D’s plans are always changing so we try to remain independent and fit in if and when it suits them and/or us.

rosecarmel Fri 08-Nov-19 12:10:33

Yes, of course- Because excusing irresponsible behavior is how healthy relationships operate- smile

larikon Sat 09-Nov-19 20:27:28

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M0nica Sat 09-Nov-19 20:50:39

I cannot see you expressing your puzzlement to your son should be limited by the fact that the camping had been organised by his wife.

It would have been quite OK to say 'Oh, but I thought you said you had no leave left when we discussed a visit. In fact I would have blurted that out without even thinking because I would expect DS to explain why - as he would and that would be the end of it.

I must say I am another, who is constantly puzzled by the trivial things so many families feel unable to discuss with each other.

timetogo2016 Sun 10-Nov-19 13:50:48

Agree totally with FlexableFriend.

Hithere Sun 10-Nov-19 14:12:12

So your dh talked to your son about Christmas a month ago - apart from visiting, did any other details got finalized ,such as dates, for example? Or it was just - we go to son's home for Christmas?

So you talk to your son a few days ago, weeks after your son and dh talked about Christmas plans and now your son and family has plans.

Was the initial plan of visiting your son in stone? Or just left as a possibility?

Whether your son just got more days off, the camping trip fits their schedule and days off given by law or any other factors we do not know, I think it is a miscommunication between your dh, you and your son.
I like the answer you gave your gc.

One hard question- if the camping trip was only for your son's family, not his ils, would you be less annoyed?

Kartush Mon 11-Nov-19 04:25:22

Hithere, I questioned my husband about the conversation he had with our son, he said that he asked our son if they were doing anything for Christmas and would they like to come here for the holiday and son said no they were staying home - lack of vacation time etc, so my husband said if they were staying home then could we make plans to come down, son said yeah that sounds really good. no dates were specified as we both have to sort work but my husband said it was pretty clear that we would like to go there for Christmas.
as for your question would I have been upset if his inlaws were not going, my reaction would be the same. I don't ask much of my son, I don't interfere with their routine but sometimes it appears that when things get changed it is always to our detrement. I know that sounds childish and selfish but our chances to visit with them are severly limited
I will say that my son and daughter in law have not been to see us in over 4 years it is always my husband and I that travel to them.

BlueBelle Mon 11-Nov-19 05:19:14

Far too much pressure put on young people about Christmas visits, far too much expectations
Perhaps when the camping offer came up, because there were no firm visitations already set up, it seemed like a fun thing for them to do Surely the grandkids will have a lot more fun camping than sitting at home, can’t you be happy for them?

I wouldn’t care two hoots if I was on my own as long as I knew all my kids and grandkids were all having a great time be happy for them try and chase the jealousy away

Kartush Mon 11-Nov-19 06:30:05

Bluebelle there is no jealousy

ladymuck Mon 11-Nov-19 06:32:20

When our children marry, it's easy to forget that there are then two families in their relationship...yours and the spouse's. Naturally she wants to spend time with her own family and your son will be expected to join them. Just as she is expected to be there when you visit.
It can be difficult to juggle arrangements to suit everyone. It seems things have got a bit confused on this occasion.

Pantglas2 Mon 11-Nov-19 06:35:27

We’re all different aren’t we! He obviously thought it wasn’t a done deal that you were coming for Christmas, just a vague thought (on his part) and maybe DIL wasn’t keen anyway. When something else cropped up that they preferred to do they went with that - it’s what kids do without a second thought!

Just get on with your own plans and let it go. It’s not worth a row about it.

Kartush Mon 11-Nov-19 07:23:58

Thank you everyone for your input, and you are all correct it should not be a big deal and I am sure the kids will have a wonderful time. Its just I have not seen my grandchildren in almost 15 months and have only spoken to them once in that time and I was really looking forward to spending some time with them but yes it is what it is.