Don’t know how to feel

Awww Kartrush I always find it sad when DIL's dont regard their in-laws as part of their family and leave it to their spouses to deal with also knowing that wives generally have the upperhand when it comes to 'arrangements' .

I think I agree that neither you nor your husband 'dropped the ball' I think when your son mentioned it, his wife stated what they were doing i.e. camping with her family! He probably feels bad, letting you down, but knows it isn't worth arguing with his wife about?

Not a lot you can do about it except be determined to have a fabulous Christmas doing just what you want and making those arrangements to visit when you can. I feel your disappointment though.

@Hithere. Our last visit was in september 2018. I try to phone, text, message as often as I can but probably only manage to speak to someone once in a blue moon, mostly my son. My son did message his father for Father’s Day
They live 2500ks from us Which is about 18 hours drive. It is a three day drive for us as I do not drive but two days for them as they can share the driving. Fly/drive could be done in one day but would have to hire a car
My grandchildren are 10 and 8
I honestly do not believe my husband dropped the ball, he did what we always do when we go to visit them, ring first and find out if it is ok to come, then if it is ok we sort our end to get specific dates then ring back and check the dates with them. It has always worked in the past.

Tedlbar ....speaking directly with my daughter in law is sometimes problematic as she doesn’t always answer her phone or reply to messages and she usually leaves things to do with us to our son

Isn’t it horrible when things we have built up in our minds get changed or haven’t been set in the stone we thought they were I can certainly understand your disappointment and empathise with you but as others have said can you visit in January it’s not too long after to wait and you can have a ‘second’ celebration with the grandkids
I hope you can get over your sadness and enjoy Christmas anyway

Hi Kartush, it seems to me there has been a bit of a misunderstanding between your husband and son.
I'm surprised that when your husband suggested the visit that your Son didn't mention, "running that by" his wife, to see if any other plans were in the pipeline.
If I ever invite either my son or daughter, I can guarantee that they will say that they will have to check arrangements with their partner first.
I think this is all that has happened, your Son has agreed for you to visit without checking with his wife if she had any plans.
Make firm arrangements and dates for January and you have that to look forward to.

I can now understand the true source of your disappointment.
So the issue is that you haven't seen your gc and family in 15 months and only talked to gc once in 15 months (the Skype call for your birthday I assume)
How often do you communicate with your son and family, especially during those 15 months?

You wrote you always travel to them.
When was the last time you and your dh went to see them?
If you haven't seen them in 15 months, is it safe to say you visited them September 2017?

How much distance is there between you? How long does it take by car or it has to be by plane?
How old is your gc?

It is not unusual to have parents travel to see families with kids as it is easier to pack or/and pay for plane tickets for 2 people vs 3 or 4 or 5, etc.

If it is a well established pattern that you always spend Christmas with your son at his place for years, yes, your son dropped the ball.

If visiting them for Christmas is sporadic and once in a blue moon, I can see how "we visit you for Christmas and I don't talk about it anymore for weeks" is seen as non committal for your son. Your dh dropped the ball.
What did your dh expect, just say in December "hey son, we will be there in 2 weeks and leave by January 2nd" or for you to jump and arrange the details? What was his plan to organize this trip?

I would work on the relationship with your son and his family all year long.
It is not realistic to put all the hopes in Christmas and have a hallmark meaningless perfect family visit.

I can understand your disappointment. In your mind Christmas was sorted and you were looking forward to spending it with them all.

Wouldn’t spend time speculating the whys or who said whats. Like you I doubt son just forgot but you don’t want to put him on the spot.

Do you speak to DIL? Perhaps you could arrange a date in January with them both so you know there is no confusion or double booking? I always think it’s “flat” after New Year so it will be something to look forward to.

A trip to see you would take a lot of holiday days. Maybe they are only going camping for a couple of days so not using holiday.
In the case of sons the in-laws always get priority it is just the way it is I am afraid.

Thank you everyone for your input, and you are all correct it should not be a big deal and I am sure the kids will have a wonderful time. Its just I have not seen my grandchildren in almost 15 months and have only spoken to them once in that time and I was really looking forward to spending some time with them but yes it is what it is.

We’re all different aren’t we! He obviously thought it wasn’t a done deal that you were coming for Christmas, just a vague thought (on his part) and maybe DIL wasn’t keen anyway. When something else cropped up that they preferred to do they went with that - it’s what kids do without a second thought!

Just get on with your own plans and let it go. It’s not worth a row about it.

When our children marry, it's easy to forget that there are then two families in their relationship...yours and the spouse's. Naturally she wants to spend time with her own family and your son will be expected to join them. Just as she is expected to be there when you visit.
It can be difficult to juggle arrangements to suit everyone. It seems things have got a bit confused on this occasion.

Bluebelle there is no jealousy

Far too much pressure put on young people about Christmas visits, far too much expectations
Perhaps when the camping offer came up, because there were no firm visitations already set up, it seemed like a fun thing for them to do Surely the grandkids will have a lot more fun camping than sitting at home, can’t you be happy for them?

I wouldn’t care two hoots if I was on my own as long as I knew all my kids and grandkids were all having a great time be happy for them try and chase the jealousy away

Hithere, I questioned my husband about the conversation he had with our son, he said that he asked our son if they were doing anything for Christmas and would they like to come here for the holiday and son said no they were staying home - lack of vacation time etc, so my husband said if they were staying home then could we make plans to come down, son said yeah that sounds really good. no dates were specified as we both have to sort work but my husband said it was pretty clear that we would like to go there for Christmas.
as for your question would I have been upset if his inlaws were not going, my reaction would be the same. I don't ask much of my son, I don't interfere with their routine but sometimes it appears that when things get changed it is always to our detrement. I know that sounds childish and selfish but our chances to visit with them are severly limited
I will say that my son and daughter in law have not been to see us in over 4 years it is always my husband and I that travel to them.

So your dh talked to your son about Christmas a month ago - apart from visiting, did any other details got finalized ,such as dates, for example? Or it was just - we go to son's home for Christmas?

So you talk to your son a few days ago, weeks after your son and dh talked about Christmas plans and now your son and family has plans.

Was the initial plan of visiting your son in stone? Or just left as a possibility?

Whether your son just got more days off, the camping trip fits their schedule and days off given by law or any other factors we do not know, I think it is a miscommunication between your dh, you and your son.
I like the answer you gave your gc.

One hard question- if the camping trip was only for your son's family, not his ils, would you be less annoyed?

Agree totally with FlexableFriend.

I cannot see you expressing your puzzlement to your son should be limited by the fact that the camping had been organised by his wife.

It would have been quite OK to say 'Oh, but I thought you said you had no leave left when we discussed a visit. In fact I would have blurted that out without even thinking because I would expect DS to explain why - as he would and that would be the end of it.

I must say I am another, who is constantly puzzled by the trivial things so many families feel unable to discuss with each other.

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Yes, of course- Because excusing irresponsible behavior is how healthy relationships operate-

Don’t be hurt. Our D’s plans are always changing so we try to remain independent and fit in if and when it suits them and/or us.

Try not to over think this - be cheery when you speak to your family and let it go. I know what sons are like - often pulled in several directions and it’s impossible to keep everyone happy. Just don’t make an issue of this even if you are puzzled and hurt and they’ll all love and respect you even more for it.

I'd be a bit peeved.

But as others have suggested, maybe his wife had made plans. Maybe he took unpaid leave. Maybe lots of things.

Best thing to do is wish them well and see them in the New Year.

But I can understand your feelings

Just let it go. Hope they have a good break over the holiday with others of their generation - it's wonderful that they get on well enough to go away together. Be pleased they are all having fun.

Kartush, it was your husband that originally discussed holiday plans with your son so I would leave it up to your husband to address the matter with your son-

Towards the end of your first post you said, "we had asked if we could come," - But in reality it was just your husband that discussed it-

It's entirely possible that your son made plans without first checking with his wife then ditched being responsible enough to call his dad back and discuss the change in plans-

Yet somehow the responsibility for the confusion falls on the daughter inlaw?

No-

The men discussed it- Let them discuss it again- If they are man enough-

I think that once our adult children are in serious relationships, we just have to accept that there are almost bound to be times when we will take second place, all the more so when those children are sons.
In my experience, the woman in a relationship is much more likely to be the one who arranges their social life, and most men generally seem happy with this.

Almost certainly, the OP's DiL really fancied the camping idea with her sister and family, and prioritized it (how many of us, really, wouldn't occasionally prefer a holiday away at Christmas with people of our own age, rather than having to host a visit from the in-laws?)

OP, I would feel a little upset too in your place, given that your son had sort of 'agreed' to your visit, but perhaps it wasn't seen as a done deal by his wife, or any big deal if you were to go a month or two later instead, rather than at Christmas?