New Partner

You each need to agree your own spaces perhaps if that is possible. So your spaces your rules, her spaces her rules. Where it is a real pribkem is when either one if you insists their rules over the whole house

My words
“It’s when she is making decisions for herself that it goes wrong and I can’t work out why“

Cooking, missing out ingredients or adding wrong things
Shopping list, will miss needed items and bring odd ball things, impulse buys that don’t get used. Lots of other impulsive things too.
I need to understand why it’s happening, before I try to change anything.

I remember Peter Cook, who lived separately from his wife but nearby, that he thought marriages would last a lot longer if everyone could afford to do that!

I moved into my new partners house 4 years ago , I travel light so didn’t have much stuff but I did feel like a fish out of water . Even though my partner told me to make it my home it was very difficult he still laughs saying I used to creep around like a quiet little mouse . I used to ask to put the heating on etc I didn’t want to do anything wrong . It’s very hard being in someone else’s home . My partners a nightmare very untidy and a hoarder and I’m extremely tidy or was , I think we’ve found middle ground now I’ve relaxed a bit and found my feet so I’m slowly getting the place in order . In time you’ll work it out it’s hard for everyone to adapt . If it bothers you that much speak to her but if you want it to be her home aswell you need to accommodate her things aswell and allow her to make it her home .

I thought this would be a big problem when we both retired but its turned out the opposite. I have always hated clutter and my OH never really helped with the housework but he has turned into a tidyfreak!
He has finally got the message that I don't need him to reorganise the kitchen cupboards. I just wish he wouldn't leave dirty water in the sink - and as for all the unused tools in the garage - don't get me started!!

Could you put up shelves or a new chest of drawers for her stuff to slip into. When it is not visible it is soon forgotten.

If you’ve never told her about these habits she has that you’re unhappy with then how can she know they upset you? If you’ve never mentioned this then she’s every right to assume all is well with the way you live as a couple! I agree with others - talk to each other. Communication is the key to the fostering of most relationships.

Hi Hector

Had you not visited your partner in her home before moving in together?
Was it messy, had a lived in kind of look?

If so, then that was a clue.

If however it was tidy with no mess then I hate to say it,
but as she is working, all be it part time and you are retired she may feel you have the time to clear away.

As others have said speak up, don't let it fester

good luck

“It’s when she is making decisions for herself that it goes wrong and I can’t work out why.”

This worries me ....why is she not allowed to make decisions for herself I can’t see this working if you're wanting to control her

Does romance have a place in this relationship?

Would she object if you tidied up? Most untidy people don't mind, as long as they have a work space which you don't interfere with.

IMO it is not worth the hassle trying to get a person our age to change their habits, so put her dirty clothes in the dirty clothes' basket and take her used crockery into the kitchen.

Agree some ground rules. A period of adjustment is necessary when you move in together.

Yes, my husband found it difficult to accept that I made decisions without consultation sometimes. I'd lived alone from the age of 18 as both parents had died, and I'd had to make decisions. I wasn't used to asking for permission for anything.

In my experience homes can only be tidy when everything has a place. Without adequate storage it's going to be untidy. Does she have her own space for her 'stuff'? Can you fit extra storage?

When my DD and DGS are here it's very untidy, and I wait for opportunities to tidy behind them. When they've gone it's a very tidy home, without love and laughter and fun.

If you like having her in your life, make some changes to accommodate her belongings and just enjoy being together. Swings and balances.

Do you feel there is enough storage space for all her stuff? Perhaps you didn't account for just how much stuff would need to be accommodated hence leaving it all over the place. If her own place was the same before moving in with you surely you had an insight into what was to be. For the sake of your relationship you need to talk about how you feel about the untidiness. Good Luck.

My part time lodger is a messy, untidy, lazy slob. He can leave a mess in his own room (I keep out when he's here) but I've imposed strict rules about the kitchen and living room e.g. put stuff in the dishwasher, rinse the sink, papers and books in the basket if you're leaving the room, hang up coat, put shoes away - oh, and sort out the cushions when leaving the sofa! (Not that I'm fussy at all!)

Picking up on a few comments, we are very romantic, like a couple of teenagers and I’m very cautious not to spoil the relationship. There is not enough room for stuff, it would need a shipping container in the garden, it needs sorting seriously, her previous place was a tip I’m sure.
I’m not sure about her impulsiveness, it may just be trying too hard, maybe insecurity, or something else. Thank you all for your comments, you’ve given me a few approaches to change things

Untidiness can be a problem in a shared relationship especially if it develops into hoarding. However merging two households worth of stuff into one is inevitably problematic. It needs a joint conversation and a fair agreement on storage arrangements and tidying up frequency. If your partner has moved in permanently, and you are living together as a couple you will need to discuss whose stuff is to be kept, what is to stored, why, and for how long., And what is to happen to surplus stuff?. Many women have and feel a need for significantly more shoes, handbags clothes, and toiletries than men which will need a storage solution proportionate to the available space. Most of my tidying and cleaning up is done at the weekend as I am at work during the week, and work very long hours, but I do load the dishwasher as I go, and put dirty. stuff in the laundry basket. The ' can't be bothered' approach has occasionally crept into my life when I've been depressed, which fortunately has not been too often, but I am aware that others find this difficult to overcome especially if it has become habit forming. I recommend you have the conversation but fully expect to compromise on the solution. You may have to be willing to get rid of some of your own stuff and to provide more storage, to pave the way to an enjoyable life together.

*her previous place was a tip I’M SURE’ this make it sound like you never went to her old house as you are only presuming it was a tip
This is going to sound harsh but was it a quick relationship and quick decision for her to move in built on the teenage romance
If it’s a yes to both those questions it could be a big old problem as there sounds some BIG differences in your ways which are much harder to change the older you get and the longer you ve lived alone and much much harder to control once shes ‘in’
Romance would never make me share a house again my last partner ‘took over’ much more subtly and gradual than your lady but nevertheless eight years after, when we split I realised that 90% of the house were his things which had gradually manoeuvred mine out He wasn’t untidy and it was all done ‘for me’ This isn’t the same scenario at all but to me it feels it’s all happened quickly and without planning or conversation about what she would bring with her it’s almost too late now as all her stuff is there but you need to sit down and see what can be sorted, thrown, given away and perhaps buy some new free standing containers/ cupboards and a second/third wardrobe
Good luck on this one

Hector, if you have a garden (you mentioned garden lol) can you between you afford one of those garden studios for her to base her stuff in? They're better than sheds at keeping stuff in good condition. But there are clues in your posts that give the impression that this is an extremely new relationship and you may continue to find out things about each other that mean she has to move out again as you're not compatible with sharing a home.

I am sitting here surrounded by balls of wool, crochet hooks, knitting needles etc. as my hobby is knitting for dementia patients at the local hospital. My OH tolerates the mess and if we had unexpected visitors, I could sweep it all up into a bag. I am just untidy. I think 'second time around' we maybe decide what is important and I think we are more tolerant.

A Garden Studio - no, it all gets very complicated, power, lighting, heating. There is plenty of room for 2 of us it just needs organizing, none of my stuff is in the house I have a shed for that.

I am expecting the house to be taken over, that’s what women do isn’t it, but I do have friends and family visiting so it needs to be reasonably tidy.

calm and impulsive.....what an interesting combination.

Chuck her out and admire your clear surfaces would be my advice.

that’s what women do isn’t it

Oh dear

How long have you known your partner, and how long were you both single before you made the big step of moving in together?
It’s always difficult to change your ways when you only have had yourself to consider previously.

Hector11 I really hope it works out. x

Hector, why don't you have a conversation with her and ask if there's anything about you that irritates her. You might have a few unwelcome surprises! However, that would open the way for you to tell her that her untidiness irritates you. Be open with each other.