Husband wants to end 30 year marriage

I am so sorry this has happened to you. It’s a dreadful thing to be accused so unjustly. A similar thing happened to a friend in the 1990s, except it was HIV..

Medical fact: HPV is contracted by direct sexual contact. If you have been faithful, then he hasn’t. It would probably be very unwise to accuse him. From what you say, you have caught it from him. His verbal abuse proves only the degree of guilt he has, and the control he currently has over you. Please get away from him, as it is very likely to escalate. Your safety is far more important than your ‘understanding’ him. You are not his therapist. Understand that you don’t deserve his nonsense. Your husband needs help, but not from you, as he sees you as the problem.

You will need good friends to help you through this. Your adult children should also know asap from you what is happening: don’t let him get his word in first.

Please keep us posted {hug}

I hesitated to post this but the situation is virtually identical to a friend of mine. Her husband of 15 years turned out to be homosexual and turned out to have a history of multiple male lovers. He too protested loudly that my friend had been unfaithful.

BlueBelle you are getting your viruses mixed up. you are correct Herpes virus is for life. However the OP has Human Papiloma virus is as extremely common and most people will have one form or other of it during their lives. There are over 100 HPV viruses some can cause pre cancer of the cervix (one of the few preventable cancers which is why all women should have smear tests. The others can cause different things.

sparklygrandma you are quite wrong the herpes virus does not disappear after a couple of years you couldn’t be more wrong it can live quite happily for all your life after contracting it either dormant or causing trouble

Your husband has, and is, treating you abominably! Kick him out NOW - if he doesn't trust you then that is the end of a relationship in my book. It is your husband's problem and not yours - basically I would tell the a**hole to eff off if that is what he REALLY belives. My husband accused me of being unfaithful (whilst very drunk) - apparently I ran up a hill and knocked him out! YOU are not the problem, your husband is - how much effort you want to make to resolve it is completely your decision. However, its not uncommon for a partner who has been unfaithful themselves to try and push the blame on their innocent partner.

SparklyGrandma there are over 100 variations of HPV and some can remain dormant for many many years in cervical cells until a woman's immune system is compromised. Not all versions disappear after two years. This is why we have cervical screening.

The HPV virus usually disappears after two years I have heard, so is there a way to ask how has it been introduced into your marriage?

Sometimes men act angry when it is guilt that’s bothering them.

I have lived with a paranoid husband, it’s no way to live and can be damaging of your health.

Stay safe.

Minimoon is correct the HPV virus can be contracted by either sex and passed on to a partner. Even from a relationship before you were married. There are are about 13 versions of these viruses that can cause pre cancerous cells on the cervix of a woman. Yes your immune system can usually keep most HPV viruses at bay but your immune system was seriously compromised while you have been ill with your brain tumour. HPV is quite common. I suggest your husband reads up on it before accusing you. He could quite easily have given it to you from a relationship with someone before you got together ( or any fling since).

Dear CrochetGranny

I'm so sorry for your continued heartache, it sounds as if your DH definitely has complex mental health issues (sadly you seem to be at the receiving end!)

I've attached a link which you may find quite enlightening.

I agree with a comment on here by another GNetter that maybe he's suffered some sort of childhood (emotional or other) trauma. It's beginning to be understood how such trauma can lead to severe issues in later life ... just a thought that might explain his vitriolic outbursts.

I also agree that you need the support of your children at this traumatic time, they're bound to sense somethings going on.

Sending

psychcentral.com/blog/why-so-angry-irritable-it-might-be-depression/

I think the time has come for you to put yourself first. It sounds like a dreadful situation which can't be helping your fragile health.
1. Talk to your doctor. He may be able to call your H in to check him over.
2. Check your financial situation. If, say, you decided you have had enough, what will your financial situation be like? This is something you really need to think about.
3.Take some time out. Go to your cottage or somewhere else, maybe with a close girlfriend, where you can relax, get some sleep and begin to recover from this very stressful situation.
4. Decide what you want to do.
For the sake of your health, and for the sake of your children, this can't go on.
Thinking of you and sending all good wishes x

As others have said - the first thing you should do now is find someone safe and insightful to talk to - you need support from, for instance, a counsellor or other good therapist. In the agonised state you are understandably in, you cannot make good decisions - please get help soon. Ask Relate if they can find you someone to talk to urgently, or ask your GP - but do reach out and find help before things go further. I wish you well.

My DH also has Parkinson's with associated dementia, and he got to the stage of saying the most vile things to me, and accused me of going with other men. He wanted to tell people we knew how awful I was, even in front of two DGD's aged eleven and fourteen. He also talked about getting a divorce, though he couldn't have looked after himself. In the end, he left home to go off with a woman that, as far as I know, he hadn't seen for over thirty years. He is now in a nursing home. This kind of behaviour greatly lowers one's self confidence. You can't go on like this. As others have said, there seems to be two possible scenarios here - unfaithfulness on his part, or a mental health issue. Whatever it is, it must be addressed. Do tell your family. The only person that I confided in advised me to tell my DD's. I didn't, as I didn't want them to think badly of their father, but when they did find out, they were shocked, and felt guilty that they weren't able to support me. Get help.

How isolated is the cottage? Not a pleasant thought but would you be safe there?

My Mother had an affair from when I was about 5 years old. I was a teenager when things first came to a head. I had one older brother and two younger than me. It came out then that we were all aware of the affair though we had never discussed it with each other so I doubt your grown up children are as unaware as you imagine.

I would suggest you make an appointment to see your GP so that his behaviour is documented. Your GP can’t discuss your OH’s medical condition even with you but should be made aware.

I’ve been on several vulva cancer forums and most of the other members have cancer related from HPV. I understand that the HPV virus can be dormant for years. Even safe sex with condoms doesn’t always protect against HPV as the warts may be outside the covered area.

I am sure you don’t want to live out your life with all the unfounded accusations. It must be exhausting and stressful. It doesn’t sound as if your OH is willing or able to make changes that will lead to a more contented and happier life.

Sorry but perhaps you should move in to the cottage and stay there
He is not your life
You can have your own life
And i said sorry because i wondered if he has been projecting on to you all these years
Someone else tried to be subtle about it but i think it is he who has been having the affairs and now is a bitter resentful old man
See to yourself and your own health

So sorry to hear what you are going through. Being wrongly accused of an affair over and over again is horrid - I know. I put up with it for 10 years.

If you haven’t been unfaithful then there is only one answer - he has. The HPV needed to be passed on.

For me, I didn’t know until after we separated that it was indeed his guilt that he was deflecting into me.

I have to say I am so much happier without him. Without the 20 questions when I got home on where I had been, who I had seen, what are they to you etc etc

I was seriously worn down by it and ended up depressed and suicidal. This is not depression for him - this is control and manipulation and abusive.

Stand strong. You are, I am sure, stronger than you think and there is life after a long marriage.

Good luck

Deflect not reflect, stupid predictive text grrr

I have to agree with some previous posts, I don’t think this is purely down to depression or related things. The way he’s behaved to you is out of order, whatever the reason, mature adults who have spend so long together should be able to communicate without abuse.

Can I ask or presume that much or most of his behaviour towards you has been behind closed doors & others weren't there? If, as I suspect this is a yes, then you could be looking at a particular kind of being/behaviour. Someone else did mention “personality disorder”.

This sounds a lot like what I’ve been through (apart from not having another place/home to go to/accused of infidelity). I came out of a 30 year old relationship almost a year ago & have learned a lot, studied what I suspected. This had been awful/toxic for at least a decade, but we got caught up in son’s & daughter-in-law/small kids life as both adults disabled. We were almost bringing up Grandson & it was hard, plus my health went down the pan & I became disabled. I now believe he has narcissistic personality disorder(NPD) but funny enough he said way back he had major depression in early years & used to shut himself in bedroom for days at a time. When the nastiness/arguments started in later years, was almost always behind closed doors, because narcissists want to keep the “mask” on & for everyone to believe they are a “good person”, heard this often. They project their anger, emotional angst & failures (in his case, never held down a job for long) on to you, closest person to them. He also made out to his family & my son, how “difficult” I was, so it would deflect from him. Anyway, there is so much on this, could be here forever. There is a lot more around now online & on youtube about NPD.

Though I thought son sided with his Dad, he did tell me recently that when I became disabled/chronically sick about a decade ago, ex-partner couldn’t deal with it. He said I was the one who always sorted £ home, bills & more, plus working & he was annoyed this had changed. They are so selfish, like a child.

Anyway, hope you gain some ideas, hopes from people’s posts/answers. It will be painful getting through this, no point in sugar coating it.

There’s something about this site/page that makes you feel you can write about your issues & respond to others too. Don’t recall posting as much elsewhere ? Take care.

Is it possible that it was your husband all those years ago that had actually had an affair and in his guilt he has been blaming you to reflect from himself?

First you need to decide whether you would prefer a divorce to staying with your husband and putting up with his accusations and irrational behaviour.

Secondly, if you know, as it sounds that you do, that you never have been unfaithful to your husband, then surely you must have contracted the HPV virus from him?

Make an appointment with your doctor and tell him of your husband's accusations. Ask whether the virus can have been contracted by you before ever you married your husband, if you before marriage had relations with anyone else. If you didn't, then we are back to the only source of infection being your husband.

If you opt for divorce, then you need a good lawyer who can advise you as to whether you should sue for divorce on grounds of your husband's infidelity, his abusive behaviour or mutual breakdown of the marriage.

You need help deciding whether you do have grounds for divorce and what you will have to live on if you divorce.

It doesn't sound as if your husband will be amenable to discussing any of all this sensible with you, so perhaps you do need to involve your adult children. Your doctor son should be in a position to judge whether his father is mentally fit or not.

BTW I agree with oodles, she almost seems to be writing about me!!! Quite frankly I’m ready to leave and I think I’ll see if I can get somewhere after Christmas. In the last 6 years he’s been rank Labour and a Corbynista and it’s caused no end of rows. He’s that controlling he even signed a form on my behalf saying I wanted a postal vote when I didn’t. He also told his Labour buddies I had a bad heart, I’d kept it from him for nearly a year, I know he only told them to get sympathy for himself, I don’t know any of these people and don’t want my private medical details discussing with them.
At my age, early 70s, I don’t see why I should have to live in this misery, tho he thinks I will never leave because having 4 dogs means I’ll struggle to get anywhere. During a row a couple of weeks ago I told him I could not believe how nasty he was and was told ‘well you know what to do’. He’s always been nasty and controlling and I NEVER should have come back after 3 times of leaving. 37 years I’ve put up with it. No one is worth this misery at my time of life!!!

Hi CrochetGranny, what you describe sounds like domestic abuse to me?
I am so sorry that your having this. Please take care of yourself. If you don't mind, I got the information below from Refuge charity, and hope it helps, I understand that the help line is free and does not show on your phone bill. There is more information on their website.
"Domestic violence is the systematic pattern of behaviour on the part of the abuser designed to control his partner.

The abuse can be physical, emotional, psychological, financial or sexual. Anyone forced to alter their behaviour because they are frightened of their partner’s reaction is being abused. It can begin at any stage of the relationship. Domestic violence is rarely a one-off. Incidents generally become more frequent and severe over time.

Domestic violence can happen to anyone, regardless of age, social background, gender, religion, sexuality or ethnicity. Whilst domestic violence happens in all relationships (heterosexual, lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender), statistics show the vast majority of domestic violence incidents are carried out by men and experienced by women.

Domestic violence is a crime. We all have a role to play in bringing domestic violence to an end.
National Domestic Abuse Helpline: 0808 2000 247 or email [email protected] "

Rene72

Why are you the carer of a person who did all that to you? Why in the world are you still in contact?

Leave! What are you waiting for?

I hate to say this but as he keeps blaming you for having an affair, are you sure it wasn’t he who had one? I’ve been down that road myself, where you get blamed for what they’ve done. My OH didn’t have an affair neither have I, but he has blamed me for doing all sorts of stuff! I left him when he lost our house, car etc. doing a contract for a company I told him I’d heard was going bust, they took us for £250,000, they busted the company and sat back pretty while we had no home! After 4 years apart I went back to him because he said he had prostrate cancer, his son who I brought up thinks he’d lied about it because his ‘treatment’ stopped within weeks and he was supposedly given the all clear, though he would never let either of us go to any of the hospital or doctor’s appointments!
He tells so many lies, he’s even put on his Facebook account that he did social and environment studies at Hull Uni! He actually did a 3 month course on bricklaying after leaving school!
We now only ‘live’ in the same house and thanks to his constantly overeating which eventually made him seriously ill, I am also his carer and I now hate him because he controls everything, even expecting me to make his political friends my friends.
If you have a chance to set up home on your own wouldn’t it be better than living a miserable life!

My ex kept accusing me if infidelity all through our marriage, I never ever was, never even thought about it. But eventually I discovered he was being unfaithful , and had been at times through our marriage. When talking about it in the innumerable final conversations he brought it into the open and asked me all sorts of questions to which the answer was that the only potential infidelity would be kissing some colleagues at a Christmas party 30 plus years ago , nothing more, and I think he was disappointed as he wanted to be able to say well it's ok for me to be unfaithful cos she was, well be couldn't.
No idea about the lifecycle if HPV, could it lay dormant from a ore marriage boyfriend? If not it came from him somewhere along the line probably
Ex persistently brought up something from our past frim the early years of our marriage that was minor, just phrasing something that was reasonable a bit clumsily. Honestly so minor that once apologised for should have been forgiven and forgotten, within minutes. But over and over again he made it seem like crime of the century. I haven't worked out what he got from that yet but my son said that when he saw him recently he was behaving very erratically and just not coping with simple things and he did wonder if he was going gaga. But when incident happened he was early 30s so can't blame that on dementia . But I do think I enabled him in a way to go through life being inept at so many things, as it was just easier and quicker to do things myself but what was the alternative, ties about how hard he worked during the week so why should he have to do things at weekends, it was a choice between the devil and the deep blue sea, it was to avoid arguments that disabled me. New woman won't do anything for him, and he has to accept it as it's her house
It's common for men to go through periods when they seem to do things that make you happy but if then comes the downside of behaving upsettingly and it keeps happening, look back, is it a pattern, it's how they keep you hooked

If he doesn't want to be with you can't make him stay and it would be silly to try and make him stay . I think you would both benefit from therapy together to get to the under lying problem .