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Husband wants to end 30 year marriage

(76 Posts)
CrochetGranny Thu 21-Nov-19 09:06:58

I have never posted in a forum like this before but I don’t know what to do or where to turn for help.

This might be quite a long post.

25 years ago my husband falsely accused me of infidelity. He left me and two small children. During the time we were apart he received treatment for depression. After 6 months he wanted to try again and so I agreed.

We rebuilt our marriage - moved house- had a third child. I thought we were very happy. Occasionally we would row about my alleged infidelity. I would protest my innocence and eventually he would apologise and life would resume normality.

5 years ago I was diagnosed with a brain tumour. I had surgery which saved my life by left me permanently disabled. My husband was amazing and in the aftermath our lives seemed to take on a new happiness. We bought a holiday home and moved to our dream home. Live was blissful and I couldn’t believe how happy we were. This was compounded earlier this year when our eldest son, now a doctor, got married. We are also planning our daughters wedding next year ...

Six weeks ago after a delightful evening with some close friends and completely out of the blue the 25-year old accusations came out again. He was vilely verbally abusive. The next day he continued and so I went to our cottage for a few days hoping they he would cool off. He apologised after a few days and begged me to come home. The only condition I gave was that this could never happen again. He agreed.

Two weeks later I had a routine smear test and tested positive for HPV. He went apoplectic and said that this was proof of my infidelity all those years ago. He was vile to me. I cannot repeat some of the disgusting things that he said to me. The difference is that this time it has continued and now he says our marriage is over. He has recently been put on statins and blood pressure tablets ( which he did not tell me about). And is receiving help for depression again something he has not shared with me. I am trying to hold our marriage together but he keeps verbally berating and abusing me.

I have done nothing to deserve this. I cannot understand what is happening. The most hurtful thing is that he really me he has been unhappy for all our marriage and only stayed with me for the children. I cannot understand this as I thought we were very happy. He is my life and I don’t know what will do without him. Neither of us have told anyone else. I am desperately worried how this will affect my children - despite them all having left home and now living their own lives, especially if he continues to slander my reputation.

Please help me - we are living apart in the same house and it is killing me. I am distraught he won’t talk to me or associate with me in any way.

MiniMoon Thu 21-Nov-19 09:49:20

The human papilloma virus clears up itself in about two years, unless it's the high grade type which can cause cancer.
Since your doctor is not worried about it we can assume it will go away, like your original infection did.
Here's something for you to mull over though.
What causes HPV in men?
Both men and women can contract HPV from having vaginal, anal, or oral sex with an infected partner. Most people infected with HPV unknowingly pass it on to their partner because they’re unaware of their own HPV status.

Missfoodlove Thu 21-Nov-19 09:53:01

You have been through so much, I’m so sorry.
It is such a dreadful and fragile situation, I really would not dare to give advice.
I sense he has a deep rooted problem that is causing the outbursts and depression.
He is clearly insecure and very troubled.
I hope you are able to share this with your children, you need the support.

Curlywhirly Thu 21-Nov-19 09:59:15

Could his recent aggression be down to his change in medication? Could it be the beginning of dementia? Have you noticed any other changes in his behaviour?

jaylucy Thu 21-Nov-19 10:06:21

I feel so sorry for you at this so difficult time.
There must be something that started the accusations in the first place and I would guess that you have worried over this for some time. The fact that he keeps bringing it up, time and again makes me wonder if it is connected to his depression.
He sorry to say this, certainly has some mental health problems and is blaming you as the cause of them .
Did he have counselling when you split up before? Is there something from say his childhood that has affected him, but never been acknowledged?
I think you need to be honest with your children. They are adults so should be able to handle it. Maybe the son that is a doctor could have a quiet word with him. Whatever, he needs to be seen by his GP for other than high BP and cholesterol treatment - men frequently don't tell the whole story.
Thinking of you. Really hard to share a house under these circumstances.

NanaandGrampy Thu 21-Nov-19 10:06:25

What a horrible situation .

Has he been tested for the virus also ?

I don’t know what to suggest - counselling maybe ?

Smileless2012 Thu 21-Nov-19 10:16:27


As Curlywhirly has suggested this could be related to the changes to your H's medication or even the onset of dementia.

The treatment he received 25 years ago for his depression may not have been as successful as you and your H believed. He may have been inwardly trying to deal with it all these years by suppressing it and now, the pressure has become too much and it's pouring out of him and he's targeting you.

Could you see your own GP and talk this through with him/her?

None of this speculation though is going to help you so I was wondering if it would be possible to go back to your cottage for a longer stay. This would give you both a break from this terrible situation and may enable him to reflect on what the real problem is.

You can have daily contact but at least this way, if his abuse becomes too much for you you can stop it.

Maybe you should consider letting your children know what's going on. As Missfoodlove's posted you need their support and your H needs it too.

Please stay in touch if you can so we know you're OK.

Chestnut Thu 21-Nov-19 10:21:58

Good advice Missfoodlove. The core of the problem is that your husband actually believes you were unfaithful and that belief is so deeply embedded that I think he will need professional help to remove it. Tell him that no matter how hard you try to reassure him he still holds that belief and it's destroying both your lives. It is essential that he deals with it. I hope you can also talk to your children about this as you will need their support.

Thomas67 Thu 21-Nov-19 10:36:45

This problem might be some form of dementia . It’s got worse over the years. Talk to your doctor about how you feel and ask him how you should react when your husband is bad.
My father in law was like this he had frequent urine infections

EllanVannin Thu 21-Nov-19 11:02:23

For a long time it sounds as though your husband has suffered from paranoia which lends itself to the depression he has/is suffering now, though I feel it's deeper. A personality disorder is obvious. Does he drink ?

It would have been better if he could have spoken to a professional a long time ago to give them an idea how this all began. There's always a root cause for anyone with depression and I'm a great believer in the cause before dishing out any sort of medication then perhaps paranoia may have been picked up and the correct treatment given.

The longer it's going to go on, the worse it's going to be. A good idea would be suggest you both attend someone professional together and see what happens.

He might have a guilty conscience himself, you don't know and the only reason he can justify himself is by getting at you.

JenniferEccles Thu 21-Nov-19 13:14:08

I don’t think it’s dementia. This has been going on for 25 years after all.

I also don’t think your husband’s dreadful treatment of you over all these years can be explained by depression either.

He hasn’t let this false accusation drop has he and he shouldn’t be allowed to use being depressed as an excuse for the terrible way he has spoken to you.

Unless he is willing to seek proper help to make him see how badly he has treated you all these years, I feel you have some serious thinking to do about whether you wish to continue with the marriage.

sodapop Thu 21-Nov-19 13:47:39

I agree JenniferEccles this has gone on too long. I would be considering my options as well.

grapefruitpip Thu 21-Nov-19 13:50:58

Please seek professional help. ASAP

grapefruitpip Thu 21-Nov-19 13:52:27

dishing out any sort of medication

This is not a thread about me, but I do find the above unhelpful.

kircubbin2000 Thu 21-Nov-19 14:13:24

You might be wise to get out before this gets any worse.

Grammaretto Thu 21-Nov-19 14:49:32

Speak to your children.
Speak to your doctor.
Get professional help.
You sound like a person who is far too accepting of abuse.
I hope your health improves. He should be looking after you, not the other way around.

Some men (and women) do get a bit strange around the time of their childrens' weddings. Mid life crises?

Alexa Thu 21-Nov-19 15:04:39

I know someone who behaved like this like this except he also has bruised her in jealousy fits. He needs her so much he was afraid of being deserted.

She simply tholes him and his bad behaviour. I don't know how she can do it but she does.

GagaJo Thu 21-Nov-19 15:24:39

My ex husband was told that I was unfaithful to him while we were married by a neighbour, on the basis of a man who was chasing me coming to our front door ONCE (not actually coming IN to the house mind...).

He never really believed nothing had happened although we did get past it. He was always a jealous type with me, and is now, with his current wife. He actually drove to check she was where she said she was a couple of months ago. This of a man in his 60's.

Ironically, my ex-husband considered (and may have been, who knows!) being unfaithful to me during our marriage. I caught him more than once with a girls phone number in his things (this was before mobile phones).

Have you considered that you contracted the virus from him? And that HE may have been unfaithful to you and hence is paranoid about YOU being unfaithful to him because he knows how easy it is to do?

Smileless2012 Thu 21-Nov-19 18:24:55

TBH the same thing occurred to me GagaJo after I'd read MiniMoon's post.

EllanVannin Thu 21-Nov-19 18:50:18

I'd be questioning his own guilt !!

Hithere Thu 21-Nov-19 19:02:38

I third Jennifer Eccles

Cheaters project their actions and guilt on others.

BlueBelle Thu 21-Nov-19 19:08:01

The first thing I thought was he could have given it to you and it would be very convenient to bring the old accusations against you up to cover it up
Had you thought of that

Sparklefizz Thu 21-Nov-19 19:26:36

The first thing I thought was he could have given it to you and it would be very convenient to bring the old accusations against you up to cover it up

I think you're right BlueBelle, attack being the best form of defence, as the saying goes.

Luckygirl Thu 21-Nov-19 20:42:06

It is common for those suffering from depression to be very insecure and to latch onto imagined sleights and to catastrophise about these. People who are depressed often ruminate on the same bleak things and find it hard to shed these.

He has latched onto your imagined infidelity and sadly nothing you do will shift this I feel. You have done so well to keep your head above water whilst dealing with these recurrent accusations.

Living with someone from whom you are estranged or who is planning to part from you is incredibly stressful. Might you be able to decamp to your cottage for the duration and take this stress off yourself?

I am sorry that you are having to deal with this sad situation. flowers

bingo12 Thu 21-Nov-19 21:07:56

Perhaps he needs to realize the next step is divorce - does he want that? It will mean you will get at least half of all (his?) assets. Tell him you will not tolerate his behaviour any longer. Ask him to move out.