Nosey dil

Does it matter hugely? Aren't there more important things in life than cultural differences or even a little rudeness? Like - is your son happy with his wife? Are you close as a family? If so, don't spoil the broth. By all means gossip about her irritating little ways with your ex , your daughter and Gransnet and by all means do let off steam. But at the end of the day, live and let live.

Not culture, just personality. Stick to your normal boundaries!

I know some cultures find things acceptable that might be considered rude elsewhere, including here. There are some questions that, if asked, I might deflect or point blank refuse to answer, and I wouldn't appreciate anybody going through my personal belongings. Years ago I was in hospital for a while and my sister had a friend who, along with her couple of weeks old baby, had been made homeless - I let them stay at my flat. When I eventually got discharged and had the opportunity to talk to her she said something along the lines of....I know you haven't lived here yet and I did look in kitchen cupboards for cooking utensils, pans, crockery etc but anything else with a cupboard or door I figured would be private. I felt good to know I'd helped a decent person at a difficult time and that she had been respectful and not nosey (even my mail was in a neat pile). Come to think of it my sister has had about half a dozen good friends from school and 40 years later they still arrange an annual holiday together. There will always be family clashes, cultural clashes etc we just need to find ways to get on, compromise, talk about any problems before they become major issues.

If the ex was comfortable explaining the OCD maybe your daughter-in=law might be more considerate and understanding. If she has a difference of opinion about what food is eaten would it be an idea to see if she would like to cook sometimes, shop, choose ingredients or cooking methods etc. She might be a nosy person or she might be trying hard to fit in, adjust, be accepted and be part of a new family. Keep conversations light rather than confrontational - you might both learn about each other and there might be opportunities to slip in nuggets about things that might be construed as intrusive. Good luck - I hope you can all find ways to rub along.

Far èast

The questions I wouldn't mind, you can choose to answer or not, but the rifling through personal possessions is a big no no with me wherever she's from.

Different cultures do have different standards for what is considered polite.

Until and unless you gently point out to your DIL that rifling through other peoples' personal belongings is considered extremely rude in your country, which I assume is the UK and that asking how much things cost is considered intrusive rather than showing a polite interest, the poor girl is just going to go on obeying the dictates of her upbringing and offend others.

You need to talk to her about this yourself. Asking your son to do so would put him in the position of more or less having to say, "My mother has been complaining about you" to his wife. Definitely not the best way to deal with the situation.

I live in Denmark where children are allowed to ask adults how old they are and adults as a matter of course ask each other things like," how much did you pay for this house?" "Have you a mortgage?" "How much do you earn?". Having grown up in Britain it took me a while to get used to this, even although my mother was a Dane.

Equally, I didn't know when I moved here that it is the height of rudeness in Denmark not to begin a telephone conversation by mentioning your own name. I know I unintentionally offended a lot of people before someone tactfully pointed out to me what I was doing wrong.

Reading others' Christmas or birthday cards is considered as showing a courteous interest here too, so please do tell your DIL nicely NOW that manners are different and what not to do.

Tell her too, that she is supposed to tip her soup-plate away from herself to get the last spoonful out of it. In other countries you tip it towards yourself, or drink out of it.

Expecting DIL to behave in a manner consistent with your own culture may be unrealistic if she hasn't been exposed to your ways or customs.

Learning new ideas and behaviors is often more difficult than learning the language. It may take time depending on how different her culture is. There is also a lot that can be learned from her as well. Keep in mind also that there's a difference between behavior that is driven by bad faith or behavior that comes from natural curiosity.

Perhaps a quiet talk with your own daughter in advance might soften any perceived transgressions by your DIL With your support and patient guidance, your DIL may hopefully adapt much sooner.

just tell her that your ex is unhappy about it & ask her to stop.

Lemongrove, it is not acceptable in the US to ask how much money one makes. That has always been taboo. I don’t know if that information came from someone in the younger generation, but it has never been acceptable in my generation.

I wouldn't like someone going through my personal possessions, and I look at people's cards, but I always ask first. Burr as for asking questions I think that's quite nice she wants to find out about you. Although it can probably get irritating after a while.

Tiggetmu is right.

Asking about salaries in the US is a question for super close friends or people you trust the most.

I never ask my friends unless they offer the information

My dh is Indian and the salary info is exchanged like candy. It is ok for them, but their culture has pretty much no social boundaries

lemongrove
DO people in the US ask how much you earn?. Having family in that country, having met US citizens in the UK as on my visits to the US have I ever been asked such a personal question. Were I asked 'how much' by anyone would give my usual answer 'money and fair words' a comment learned from my late grandmother.

Very rude to poke thro personal possessions!

For those of us who cannot see anything wrong with the girl's behaviour it's hilarious. The OP wants to 'confront this behaviour' yet is concerned about manners. How will she do this without being rude? Oh, the irony!

If I am visiting my daughter’s home and there are cards on display, eg birthday/ Christmas cards, I have a look to see who has sent them to my daughter or grandchildren. I don’t feel that I’m being nosey just interested in which friends have sent cards and how many of them I know.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

It didn't take me long to realise why you just don't walk into anyone's house, not even your brother's , without prior appointment......you've got to do everything yourself over here......cook, clean, look after children and the myriads of other things.
When I first arrived here in the U.K., my yorkshire sister in law told me that the only place I would feel at home in, was Wales, and by sheer luck, my Ex got a partnership here, and I have been here for the past 40+ years. And I love it!!!

What an absolutely stupid thing to say, nobody has the right to rifle through personal items, The word you should be looking for is "rude" no matter what her culture, if she has been brought up to not respect other peoples privacy then she has not been brought up right. Daughter-in-law or not she would be getting an ear-full from me. If this is what she does in her Mother-in-laws house how do you not know what she talks about to other people about her in-laws personal details. Definitely not the sort of Daughter-in-law I would like in my house.

I just cannot see how on Earth it is "Rude" to ask some one to not rifle through personal items.

I just do not understand some of the reasons people are giving about this problem, surely it does not matter which culture you come from, you just do not rifle through other peoples personal items. If you do then you are the ignorant one and you were brought up ignorant with no respect for other people what-so-ever.

She is forward and rude .
You have to find a way to gently stop her .Tidy up before she comes or ask her the same sort of questions.
Make no mistake this is forward rude behaviour

Maybe we are all different. I know I could not look through my daughters cards without asking whereas my son wouldn't care in his house.I think daughters can be more volatile when they are stressed. I know my friends daughter often falls out with her over minor things but her son is more easy going.

kircubbin2000 I know a lot of folk have said your DIL is either nosey or bad-mannered (regardless of her cultural background) but I don't agree. As a teacher/lecturer who has been working all over in the Middle East and Asia I am constantly surrounded by students and colleagues who would ask very 'personal' questions and rummage around with my stuff both at home and in the office. This is very much a cultural thing particularly where people are raised in large families and don't have any privacy in their own homes. Many of my students and colleagues considered the notion of privacy to be very strange and 'foreign'. There is no need to be confrontational but there is a need for you to explain to your DIL our cultural ideas about privacy. In face, it is really the job of both you and your son to do this or else she might find herself confronted by someone in an aggressive manner. My students and colleagues were never upset if I mentioned the issue and I often made it a discussion topic in class where we exchanged our experiences of cultural difference. There's no reason why you shouldn't do the same as you will help her in the long run.

What's hilarious Hettieabout you and others thinking there is nothing wrong with the daughter on laws behaviour?

Clearly there is something wrong there and it does not matter what culture she is from. Going down peoples possesions, asking personnel questions that are none of her business. For goodness sake get real Hettie and stop this PC rubbish.

Cant see nothing wrong what rubbish.

kircubbin2000

Most of us have very subjective ideas about what is 'proper' or 'improper'. Some behaviors can appear to be strange or inappropriate because they are colored by our own culturally biased perspectives.

What is considered rude in one culture may actually be very good manners in another. Take for example belching. In China, a good burp after a meal is a high complement to the chef, The Inuit tribes of Alaska like to pass gas after a meal to convey the same. Not my preferred examples, but these behaviors would be considered terrible manners in our own cultures.... not unlike snooping, so........I'm sure you get the gist.

As I mentioned earlier, you may need to coach DIL but be supportive...she just needs more time to adapt.