Nosey dil

Rifling through cards which are on display and asking who is this who is that does not seem intrusive - pretty normal for a member of the family . I might not say the same about an electrician doing a job and looking through them ! As for rifling through personal possessions- depends - going through bedroom drawers or handbags definitely out of order - but a kitchen drawer ?

It is your ex’s place to speak to her about what happens in his home. You only need to address what happens in yours. Just say its not acceptable to riffle through personal stuff.

What do you mean by rifles through personal belongings?
Do you mean shuffles papers looking to extract a book or magazine from the middle of a pile (as you would have to do here!) or do you mean opening drawers and deliberately poking around specifically to look at personal items?

When I was in India on holiday, the tour guide explained about the different caste system. The daily paper had those looking for love. The man wanted the lady to have a degree, be able to cook and clean house. Those with degrees had servants to do that ? I was asked many questions about my life style, how much I earned etc. I gave my tuk tuk driver 500 rupee note for 2 of us back to the hotel. I had nothing smaller. Keep the change I said. He smiled as it would feed his family for 2 weeks. The cost about £5.50. I learnt so much about different cultures that week. Your DIL is probably the same ?‍♀️

I worked with a girl like this - she was Thai and just blunt - if it was in her head then it was out of her mouth. My favourites were “I saw you in your car - you look so pretty through the windows and I can’t see how fat you are” another was “Oh, your home is very classy - I didn’t expect that”
There were loads more to all the staff but she was kind and efficient in other ways and would do anything for anyone. We just laughed and accepted it. Try to focus on the good bits.

Rifling through cards which are on display and asking who is this who is that does not seem intrusive - pretty normal for a member of the family
I wouldn’t like that, I wouldn’t say anything but I wouldn’t like it.

That’s nothing compared to our Sil. He has searched our bedroom when we were out and stole the card inside our video camera, he also searched through our personal papers and looked through our bank statements and looked through the text messages on my phone. I know all this because we suspected it was him doing other things so my husband set up a secret camera. The problem is if we confronted him as the nosy liar we know him to be, it would cause a big bust-up in the family and we could end up not seeing our grandchildren and upsetting our daughter who we have not told what he has done. We now lock our bedroom door when we go out. They keys to our house to check it when we are away.

Perhaps DIL doesn't realise that what she's doing could be interpreted as being rude? If she isn't aware of this she may be behaving the same way in other people's homes and unwittingly causing offence where none is intended and that would be a real shame because she sounds a nice woman. It might be kind if you could find a way to gently explain to her.

For the PC credential badge wearers: if someone, whether a family member, friend or visitor, is behaving in a way that makes you uncomfortable when they're in your home, your perfectly entitled to say so. You shouldn't be barred from feeling that way just because of their culture or colour of the skin. That's doing no one any favours.

Take-away point 1: it might not be her culture, it might be just her.
Takeaway point 2: I disagree with Hetty58 - we all need to adapt to each other, fine, but we don’t need to be doormats.
Takeaway point 3: there is no harm in answering intrusive questions with a cheerful “nothing to discuss” or, if push comes to shove, “none of your business, love” said with a smile and a hug

Good grief driver! I dont know how you manage to keep quiet!!

As for someone else saying that cards are out on display fkr people to look at....yes to look at the picture on the outside not to pick them up and read the nessages!!!

If you have a good relationship other than her odd behaviour just have a kind word with her. She may be embarrassed to realise her actions cause offence.

People who are nosy belong to any culture, any race, any religion. Instead of back-biting, just tell her that you don't like it when she pokes her nose into where you don't want her to. Practice a bland smile, and a poker face -these are better than confrontation - and remove what she has picked up, from her hand, and replace it where it was.

I think you have passed on your tolerance and acceptance to your son, but perhaps the others need a little more training! ?

i agree with everyone who's said best not to take on what happens in other's houses, but it's up to you how you deal with things in your own. i also think best not to tell her she's being rude, as that's bound to upset her, and probably your son too. but no reason why you can't say, i'd rather not answer that; or can you please leave those things where they belong. but maybe better to say hey can you help me peel the spuds/sort my fine or books into alphabetical order/something to help her feel useful and a part of things. it's always difficult trying to be part of a new family, where everyone's built up their ways over the years. so maybe help her to feel a part of it all.

Oh Tigertooth, I laughed until I cried.

Not Egyptian is she??? I lived in Egypt for 13 years and because families tend to all live together they don't seem to have 'personal space' everyone is in everyone's house/rooms and nothing seems to be private. I guess there are many cultures that are this way, your son needs to explain to her that it is not acceptable here.

I used to married to a Chinese guy. His friends were very intrusive (to British standards) eg I like your shoes. How much were they? It was most definitely cultural (we offend other cultures regularly as customs and upbringings differ greatly across the world). If you have a problem don’t stew over it chat to her in a friendly manner.

I totally agree with easybee. I think it very rude to rifle through people belongs also cards. They weren’t addressed to anyone but the sender and I do believe it is their choice to display as they choose. It’s for the recipient to invite people to look through if they choose.

It just seems bad manners to me for anything else. But I wonder if anyone cares about manners any more ?

This is just like my sister, she would read letters and then comment on how much money we had in savings/current account - hospital appointments etc.
She is a wonderful person other than this horrible trait.
She babysits at least twice a month for us so in the end we put a lock on my husbands office and every letter goes straight in there.
Now she just comments on what is in the fridge/freezer.

It depends on how personal the questions are!
I would say that she either has no filter or that she feels so comfortable with being part of your family that she feels it is ok to do these things.
If your ex is not happy with her moving stuff around or advising him on what he is eating, he can sort it out for himself ! He only has to say politely that he would prefer that she didn't move things or to thank you for her advice - doesn't have to run to you , as if it's your fault!
NB I have had people from my own country do similar things, including walking into my bedroom while I was changing, without asking!

You are describing a person who has no boundaries and does not respect yours. Forget the red herring of different culture - there are people who operate on a narcissistic spectrum everywhere. People with boundary issues - porous/non-existant etc will see this posting as no real problem - they prolly overstep the mark a lot too, and are not self aware. See if saying "No" to her causes a balistic reaction: if so you have a narc in the family, bad news, I'm afraid. Do not confront, and steer clear of her at all costs, this is the early stages - for your own sanity.

Kircubbin2000 it seems like this poor girl has been hounded and really all over being annoying. Lots of people are annoying!!
It does seem a bit petty when you can easily say sorry I don't want to answer that! Or please don't touch those. Simple.
And then the people at work, jeees that is a bit much. They presume she's posh and wouldn't eat an Asda biscuit so don't offer her one and you know all about it!! They don't sound very nice people to work with.But would this not be called nosy on your part?
If anyone over steps the mark they will never know unless you politely tell them.

I think you should give as good as you get. When she asks you a question, ask a similar question back, etc. But I would also ask your son to correct some of her behaviour.

kirkubbin2000
My response to S wife when personal questions arise is 'ask your husband.' End of.As for his wife moving personal items or being asked to explain who cards are from therefor causing distress to your ex, inform your son that this is unacceptable and he is the one to advise his wife of this not you.Is S not aware of his wife's behaviour. ?

Where is your DiL from, btw?