Opinions wanted.

I have two sons and the three of us are very close. For years they both said they don't want children. My 35 year old just got married in May and in June the 30 year old moved in with his girlfriend of over a year. I love both girls and we get along very well. Both sons have said in the past that they don't want to bring children into the world, but as of today the older of the two and his wife are planning to have a baby in a year or two. The younger son has decided that wants children, too, but as of now his girlfriend feels she probably would not. I have seen her gush over her niece so who knows!

Point is, situations and feelings change one way or the other so you never know how things will turn out. As long as they are all doing well I don't care. I have no expectations other than a hope for their continued happiness. I feel it's best to just offer love and support.

So your Dd's OH speaks to his recently bereaved mother every evening. Is that wrong? Quite frankly, I would rather be with someone like that , however annoying or frustrating it may be than he has no contact whatsoever - at least he cares.
I think that as they have been living together for 8 years, you can't really assume your daughter "puts up with it" unless she has actually stated this fact.
When you become part of a couple there has to be a fair amount of compromise on both sides or it will not work. Your daughter would have been aware of how close her OH was to his parents (guessing he's an only child) and so prepared .
There seems to be an idea amongst many people that post on this forum that when people become a couple, that both sides of their extended family will be treated the same - without both sides having exactly the same relationship, with their own families this is not possible.
In your case, at least your DD visits you. Some people are just not comfortable visiting people - however welcoming their hosts may be and in this case, you need to accept that is the way it is. If they both seem happy, just leave them to it. It is nobody else's business what goes on between couples unless it becomes an abusive situation.
Cut the poor guy some slack! If they want to get married etc, they will do, but in their own time - no guarantee it will make them any happier than they may be now!

I completely understand your concerns. You love your daughter and have only ever wanted her to be happy. My daughter and I can usually talk about anything and if we don't agree we say so. She knows I only want to help and doesn't mind too much if I speak up when I'm concerned. Equally I don't mind if she voices her concerns. Makes life nice and easy.
I wish you and your daughter all the best and hope it all turns out ok in the end.

Just maybe your daughter accepts her partner for who he is and is understanding that his lost a big part of his family.

There doesn't seem to be anything that suggests his a horrible man more his a caring guy.

They may carry on forever living without getting married. You can't enforce your values onto them. Just let them be simply because what will be will be.

I wonder if it might be nice to ask his mother over with them next time they come over and get to know her a little? Or perhaps ask for her contact details ... facebook or email or message and say you have been thinking about her and wonder how she is doing. You may find she has similar concerns and thoughts to you. She sounds lonely. I have three sons and we decided very early to make bridges with their chosen partners parents The kids were very jittery with how it would go. We are all so so different but we call ourselves the outlaws and get on well. Go out to dinner, meet up at the kids homes, have been away weekends. Both with and without the children now all adults. Admittedly the one thing we do have in common are the shared grandchildren but it's so worthwhile. Two couples became great friends ... independent of us ... which initially I found a bit weird but I like it now and think if their daughter hadn't met our sons none of us would know each other and because they value our sons I have nothing but good thoughts about them. Maybe ask your daughter how she feels about bringing her with them next time they see her?

I think your feelings are totally understandable. My advice would be to always listen and not be judgemental so your daughter knows she has your full support, no matter what they decide. Perhaps open up the conversation by asking her how she feels about his mother coming to stay but keeping your opinion to yourself.

He sounds lovely. I think you should just ask her if she wants kids and advise her to get on it if she wants that. My husband's parents were questioning whether we'd be happy with kids after we were together for 9, married for 1 year and my husband was 41! I was 33. I was already pregnant at the time, but my husband said he didn't want kids just to send my FIL into a panic. We ended up telling them shortly after about the pregnancy and they are delighted with our baby who is tye first but not the last I will have. I'm 34 now.

My family, on the other hand, were very vocal about pushing and urging me to have kids if that was what i wanted and we had a lot of frank discussions about child rearing and fear and the human condition. My entire family knew when we were trying, but his didn't.

I think you should just ask her privately and let her know your fears about her leaving it too late (not stringing her along, though).

In the end, it was fear keeping me from having kids and I'm glad I waited. I'm a "fantastic" mother, says my husband...but everyone has to come to this decision after very careful thought.

Unless your daughter has expressed concern about the relationship herself, I doubt there is anything to worry about.
As for the mother, having been widowed myself, I can fully understand how she would appreciate the daily phone calls. People grieve differently and she is obviously lonely and needing that contact. It is early days for her yet. I am quite sure that, if your daughter has any problems with the daily calls, she will say so.

Not long , I expect, before his mother moves in permanently but, as others say, it's up to your daughter to sort out her life.

I would be concerned too.

When non married long term relationships break down it is usuallt the women who end up in the worst position financially.

If they are not going to marry she needs to keep her lease/mortgage in her name. Men tend to look after themselves financially in non married relationships whereas women tend to trust that the man will do right by them if they split, and then is shocked if they dont.

I hope she has her own pension, savings, lease/mortgage

Thanks all. Most comments have been really helpful to me, not having brothers or sisters of my own to talk it through with. My own friends are all knee deep with their own families and as it’s all a bit sensitive I wouldn’t tell them about it. Being anonymous on here is a real help. I think I’ll send the mum in law a Christmas card with a note in offering a coffee and chat and meet next time she is in our area. That was a good suggestion from one poster so thank you. Other than that, I’ll carry on being supportive but cheerful. I’m not an interfering mum so will keep thoughts to myself. I am worried he’s stringing her along but as many point out I cannot interfere, so won’t.

Notanan: yes she has her work pension, savings and she works full time. No mortgage as they rent.

Thats good.

Marraige gives women some financial safetynets if a relationship breaks down. Without it women need to be extra savvy.

& a lot of people still believe that there are "common law" wife rights in UK. But there aren't.

Let him help his mum. When my husband of 45 years died my children did nothing gor me. Still dont. Would love to have a child who cares about me even if they are in a relationship. Leave them alone to live their lives

There's no problem with him helping his mum so long as it doesnt impact the DDs life/home/finances/plans.

I help MIL a lot but its different because I'm married. IMO if he doesnt want to make that commitment to her then she needs to live her life separately, like a "single" person but with a boyfriend IYKWIM

I had a similar situation with my son and his partner they met when he was 17 and she was 15 they got engaged after 2 years. He is now 38 and she is 36! She was in charge of relationship my son was enveloped into her family they saw them saveral days most weeks (mother left her and father when she was 16 so although they lived with me for 2years before they bought their house she has never really wanted to be part of the family ). They surprised us all by getting married 3 years ago the ceremony which they arranged and paid for themselves. Then 2 years ago my grandson arrived. Since then I get to see him every week (sometimes only 1 hr but it's better than nothing. I know she sees her mother a couple of times a week and granny looks after him every Wednesday while my dil works. I have offered many times but have only been granted the honour 2 in 2 years. My point is not how I feel pushed out but that My son is happy and that is all that matters to me. I'll take what I can get.

My mum always said that a man who is good to his mum is a keeper.
He can put others first and shows compassion and consideration.
Next time she comes to stay why not suggest that you all go out for a meal and see how the dynamics work.
As for grandchildren - why not just ask your daughter if she plans to have children? I have two friends who started trying at 36 and 38 and it was too late.

In general I think the way a man treats his mother is very significant. It often shows he respects and cares for the women in his life. I’m speaking in generalities here.

I would try to help and actively support your daughter’s partner especially at the moment and form a stronger relationship with him. It’s not just the amount of time you spend with him/them it’s the quality of that time.

Crossed posts Tigertooth we seem to be saying the same thing.

You said you see a lot of your daughter. That is lovely. Do you see your daughter while he is on the phone or at a different time?
Maybe they have arranged "you see your mother and I'll phone my mother."
If she is happy that is also lovely. And all you should want.
We cannot choose their partners.
Take care and enjoy them both. X

My daughter spent 8 years with the ‘love of her life’ with no prospects for marriage or children, which she wanted. Luckily she someone else and at 39 started a family and is happy. She’ll never forget the other man but knew she had to move on.

All you can do is let them get on with it. Hopefully if it all gets too much for your daughter she knows her partner well enough to put her foot down and stand up for herself. My MIL gave us a terrible time when her husband died. Wanted my husband constantly oho ed all the time,etc. We had two young children and it was just too much. Eventually hubby and me sat and spoke to her asked her what she wanted. She wanted my husband to move back in with her. So he said ,let me get this straight,you want me to divorce my wife and move in with you? Yes? She said. Well that's not going to happen. I ended up being the one who visited nearly everyday when she became housebound, shopped for her ,cooked for her,everything. Until eventually it was too much for me and she had to live in a care home. But such is life. I can imagine how worried you are but you have to let them sort it out on their own and don't interfere.

You are obviously concerned about your daughter but at the age of 34 she is the only one who can change things for herself. So long as you are there for her I don’t see what more you can do. It really is best not to interfere.

I m worried he’s stringing her along may I ask why? If it’s because they aren’t married with 2.4 children do you really think that’s justified they re still together after 8 years I lived for six happy years with my second husband he insisted we got married i was perfectly happy as I was but we did and less than two years on he told me he was leaving me for someone else Marriage isn’t necessarily any more permanent than a partnership
Just chill out about it nothing in your original post or subsequent posts seems to indecate your daughter is unhappy