How often do you see your grandchildren?

Please do what you feel instinctively is best for your baby, your mother is so lucky to have her grandchild so close, but she needs to build a life for herself apart from with him.

My heart is aching this Christmas because my son is living abroad with my two beautiful GDs, and says he is not going to set foot in this country again. He says their rented accommodation is not fit for visitors, so we are not allowed to visit either. When/if they move, then we might be able to go, but not until, and his pride would not let us stay in a nearby B and B either. Meanwhile our DiL lives with us three days a week when she is working in this country, and tells us how much the GDs are missing us, as we know from their text messages!

I agree there is no harm in gently suggesting that she needs other interests including joining Gransnet? But everyone wants to feel needed, so be kind but firm with her!

If she's going to be that way, I'd suggest just putting him in nursery all 3 days and telling her that she won't be seeing either of you until she loses the attitude.

As long as you're not abusing your son (and nursery is hardly abuse), she has NO say in your parenting. Period.

Two of my kids (with kids of their own) live a 30 minute drive from me. One comes over about every two weeks for the afternoon, the other I see roughly monthly, for the school day, say 9.30 am to 2.30 pm. She does FaceTime a lot as well.

My grandchildren sometimes stay here, especially in the school holidays or if their parents have an evening out. My teenage grandson stays most often, as I brought him up until he was ten.

My youngest daughter is a 3 hour drive away and has a one year old. I only see her three or four times a year. Either I'll take the train up there or she'll drive down with her husband and stay for a weekend.

My eldest lives in NZ and usually, I see him yearly, when he stays for a month or so. He doesn't yet have kids. He also FaceTimes and they all phone and email occasionally.

I think our arrangements are fairly normal. Sometimes, I do really miss them but I'd never be demanding or pushy about access to my grandchildren. They all live very busy lives and I like to be independent.

I have 2 DGC, both girls They are both just coming into their teens. They live a 5 hour drive away. When they lived nearer we often had them without their parents for a weekend. Now we go to see them about 4-5 times a year and they stay with us for a week in the Summer. We would of course love them and their parents to live next door !!!. But they have busy lives and this arrangement suits us all.
I should add that the whole family usually come to us for a week at Christmas. This year however they are going abroad with their other grandparents. A real adventure for them all

This has caused a big fallout with her saying that it's cruel to put him in nursery for any length of time at this age and that research has shown it makes children more aggressive later on. The rest of my family apparently also feel the same way.

This is not for them to decide. You are the parent. You do whats best for your child. Their job is to support you, and that means supporting your decisions too. Of course they are not mandated to do this, so if they disagree with a parental decision that's specific as to whether or not the child goes to nursery - you go ahead and enroll your child into nursery for the amount of time that you deem best, if this is what you decide to be best for them.

Her parenting days are done. She needs to get something else to do with her life.

April

Nurseries are wonderful places, my youngest child, and all of my grandchildren went to nursery, and all of them loved it.

When she visits, is she any practical help to you? Or does she just spend her day hogging the baby?

I agree with what others have said, four days is way too much, just start saying you won’t be available every day, she seems extremely needy, but try not to give in for a quiet life, you are definitely right.

Please tell us how often and for how long she came round before the baby arrived.

This can’t go on, it’s not fair to you and you will blow up. She had her time as a mother, being a grandmother is a different role. Did her mum or MIL do the same when you were a baby?

It will cause a huge row but you have to tell her it’s too much and it is suffocating you. Her loving her grandchild and being happy to see him is lovely, saying he is her whole life now is unhealthy and inappropriate for both of them.
30 mins drive is nothing. Go out to those baby groups.
I’d avoid having a set day when you see her as it can become a millstone, decide how often you want, 1 or 2 times a week, - whatever, and invite her round. Ask what time suits her, then arrange something either before or afterwards do it isn’t a whole day.

I hope she doesn’t have a key and let herself in. If so I’d change the lock. You can usually do it yourself with YouTube videos.

The nursery thing is bollocks. I’m feeling stressed for you! I don’t know how you’ve coped.

She needs to find some interests and friends of her own. Your son is not responsible for her happiness and you will never get these weeks and months with your scrumptious baby back.

Me and my husband work full time due to restricted finances! However we only see our grandchildren every couple of weeks now. But when the y were little probably still only once a week or once a fortnight. Does seem a bit too much for you. You need to have a talk.

Could she not do the drop off and pick up from nursery one of the days? It'd save you the rush AND she'd see how happy he is.

I'm lucky at the moment. My single daughter and grandson live with me. But I'm moving soon and I'll be lucky to see him once a month then. It WILL break my heart, but it's normal for grandparents not to see their children weekly.

I'm a teacher and I TOTALLY disagree with your mum, re the nursery. Children that are in nursery develop far quicker than children who aren't. My GS isn't in nursery, because my daughter can't afford to pay it, and he is directly suffering as a result.

Make plans with other mums. And tell your mum you're busy that day.

Your son isn't going to want to spend ALL his free time with his granny soon. No child would!

If I was you I would be wanting to take my 9 month old son to mum and toddler groups, sensory class, mummy fit and so on. It let's you make friends with other mums and gets uour son used to socialising with other little ones. Explain this to your mum. Regards nursery, could your mum look after him for two days providing she takes him to the groups you want your son to go to. With the money you save from that extra day your mum does, you and your husband could have lots of treats together with your son. A holiday even! Worth thinking about in my mind.

Sorry, to answer your question, for the first 5 years my in-laws saw their grandchildren once a fortnight and my parents about every 6 weeks. We lived just over an hour from in-laws and nearly three from my parents.
We then moved much closer to my parents (work related) and further from his, so probably saw in-laws about 3 times a year and my mum (dad had died by then) about once a fortnight.
My mum stayed with us for 10 days when my firstborn was about a week old. She cooked cleaned and washed and had cuddles of course, but she was primarily looking after her daughter (me) not getting first dibs on the baby over MIL, as some people now seem to interpret maternal grandmothers spending more time at the house in the early days. I was nursing the baby and mum, so kindly, ran the house as DH was back at work.
My parents never commented during the 5 years my in-la

- in-laws saw the children more, nor did my in-laws comment when the situation reversed.

Your mother is emotionally blackmailing you. She wouldn’t have visited you 4 days a week pre baby as you would have been in work, so how did she fill her days then?

I see a lot of my grandchildren now because I relocated nearer to them but previously saw them about once a month sometimes less when we lived 3 hours apart. Half an hour is nothing to drive I do that to get to work. Does she stay overnight for 4 days or drive back and forth? Please encourage her to engage again in her own life . She must be driving you mad and you need your own friends and baby groups

I wish I had had nurseries when my children were small. I see my pre-teenage grandchildren, happy, kind, popular and clever and know that their parents are doing a great job. I always kept my distance but rushed to their aid if needed, 75 minutes away. Always available but never ever pushy. I see them now maybe 8 times a year but that suits me and them. When they come here to stay then I teach them crafting, with wood usually, they feel very grown up handling a drill and sharp gouges safely

April0 it sounds as though your mum is the needy one. She needs to back off and make her own life

I omitted that they went to nurseries

Three of my grandchildren went to the same nursery that their mum went to. She has such happy memories of being there, the same lady runs it, and going to pick up my granddaughter is like going back in time!

That sounds like an excellent arrangement April, your son at nursery 2 days and with your mum for one day.

She'll be seeing him a a regular basis and have him all to herself the day she does have him. She's a lucky lady and I hope she'll be able to realise that.

April10 You need to have a serious talk with your mother about all of this. It's not good for any of you for her to be so focussed on her grandson. Four whole days a week is just ridiculous and leaves no time for you to be a family together. Not sure if you have a partner but I can't believe they would be happy with this arrangement. The idea of a nursery placement is good and didn't have a detrimental effect on my children or grandchildren. Your mother needs help to go back to the life she had before her grandson, its not going to be easy but you need to stand firm. Good luck.

Totally agree with your post Sodapop
Please please don’t let your mum overrule you over the nursery and don’t let her blackmail into believing the rest of the family agree with her
Stick FIRMLY to your plans one day a week for mum and two days a week at nursery where your baby will get a much rounder day than being drooled over all day by your loving (over loving) Mum
If your Mum puts up a fight tell her it’s that or three days at the nursery Do it all nicely she obviously means well but it’s not her baby she’s had her chance now it’s yours
Don’t look back with regret when your little chap is older and wish you had been firmer with the situation

Just need to tell her that her coming over 4 days a week is far too much & that you want to be able to do things with him just on your own.
Encourage her to find other things to do such as Volunteering, U3A etc as it sounds as though she is lonely etc.
What is she going to do when your son is ready to go to nursery? If she has things in place then that time wont be so hard for her

Your baby your rules. My mother had me in tears many times when my first baby was little. She didn't get the chance to do the same with my second. You don't need to fall out with her, just ignore the advice. As for all day 4 days a week, that's ridiculous. Gently tell her she is welcome 1 day and that you must be allowed time to do what you want the test of the time. Your baby , your home, your rules or nothing. No atgument.

I'm a great believer in a mother's instinct and think you should do what you want ,yes be guided by other's experiences but not ruled by them.
I was fortunate to be at home for 12 years but then worked in school,some of the time in the nursery. The children were happy, entertained got lots of outside experiences. Once settled their confidence builds, they bond with friends.
Don't give in to anyone, you are in charge of this generation and have to do it your way.
Mum just needs to know this and that it doesn't affect your love for her it's just the modern way.
Best wishes

For a start April0, join a Toddler group. Don't make it a big deal. I would find it hard to follow some of the more assertive advice here. If it's on one of your Mother's days, take her along to it as well. You will make friends at the group, and might arrange play dates for the children. They could come along to your place on days when your Mum was there to help out. The best of luck.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oh dear. Once again we have the argument of who has rights to do what!
As far as I am concerned, seeing a GC is not a right, it is a privilege!
4 days a week is a bit much as far as I am concerned. Sorry for your mum, but your mental health will vastly improve if you are able to meet up with friends, and other mums in your own time.
Maybe you could arrange to meet halfway one day. At least that way, you can just about come and go as and when you wish!
As far as the nursery arrangements go, your mother's statement has absolutely no foundation. It is your choice and if she is not happy, suggest you tell her that if she doesn't want to look after her GC, you have someone else that would be very happy to , on the terms that you want and see how her attitude changes!
I really don't understand why so many women on here either have mothers claiming or say that their AC or GC are their whole life! For heaven's sake! Woman up and go and volunteer somewhere ! Be happy as well as proud that you have done such a good job as a parent that your child is running their own life, and you have GC that are or will be leading an equally happy life due to your parenting skills!