How often do you see your grandchildren?

I worked for many years in day nurseries, my children went there and it’s evident how much nearly all children flourish and benefit. Don’t be put off by relatives telling you they are harmful! Far better to be there a couple of days a week so that they expand their horizons, socialise with their peers and learn so much than to be permanently in a domestic setting, however protected and loving.

Well dd lives a five minute drive away and has dgs who is six months old. She comes here for Saturday lunch as her brother and Dad come here at the same time so it's a family get together.
I walk down there on Sunday morning and have a coffee just me and her and then she pops in on either a Tuesday or Wednesday for a cuppa and a sandwich.
We are both happy at that. I wouldn't impose on my dd anyway but she would tell me if I did. Your dm is expecting far too much IMO.

I adopted a hands off policy from the word go. Of course some things my daughter did I would not have done, we are two different people. But who says my way was better?

I made it clear that we would cover all sick leave and holidays the parents couldn’t cover. Worked well.

I made a promise to myself that I would never let my daughter down if at all possible.

Result?

We have a delightful relationship with grand children and children.

They are growing up now so their lives are naturally busy and outward looking, but at the moment in times of crises, like girlfriend giving grandson the elbow they come over when mums working so we can commiserate. That will undoubtedly cease as they mature.

You must be given your space and air to breath. It is your right.

It sounds like she isn’t even trying to do anything with her life - sad.

I moved to be near and support my DD and DSIL by taking my DGC to school every day. However that was a couple of years ago and now there is childcare in place (in case anything happened to me - we’re none of us getting any younger) and I see my DGC about once a month for the afternoon. My DD and I have always been very close and text most days but the family has their own life and now so do I despite having moved to a new part of the country. Your DM needs to join in HER community and become independent.

And it will cause resentment towards your DM which is in itself not healthy for you. Take courage and be unavailable except perhaps once a week and then only for a morning or afternoon. My DD lives 25 minutes away and thinks nothing of dropping in for a quick cuppa when she can so a full day is excessive.

I feel for you as when my DD was younger I too was reluctant to upset my parents but it needs to be done - you have to have space to enjoy your DS. Good luck

A bit over the top. Just say "I am out tomorrow mum - see you the day after" hopefully she will be ok with that. I would be,

Also - a 30 minute drive isn't too long. she could esily reduce to half a day .

I'd say it depends on the circumstances. It's nice your mum wants to see your baby but you need time to have your own life too. You need to socialise too ans make other mum friends and yout child will also need to mix with other children Your mum should understand that. Can you tell her that you are busy on certain days.

As for childcare. Let her have him for two days at first - eith the understanding that it will reduce to one after a few months or so. Also - make sure that one at least one of your days off your are doing something on your own, and let her know you have plans. For your sake and hers I think you will have to do this.

Poor you. I'm a grandmother but would never have blackmailed either of my daughters like that.
You have to stand up to her. She is obviously a sad and lonely woman and needs other things in her life. A visit one day a week would be plenty.

Oh please DONT follow maremias advice and take your mum along with you to toddler groups They are mother and toddler groups to give you the opportunity to meet other young mums and for your baby to play with other babies without a needy grandma scooping him up and onto her lap
I understand you are trying to find a middle ground and being kind to the mum maremia but it’s very very obvious that April10 needs to gently remove the strings tying her and the baby so tightly to the grandmum

My mum and dad were always there when I needed them and obviously I visited with the children but never never all day
I was the same with mine I was always there when needed sometimes it was often, sometimes not, but never never more than and hour or two if it wasn’t a ‘need’ and just a visit

Definitely too much, she's being very selfish in denying you the chance to meet and socialise with other mums and your little one to socialise too. It's an important part of his development now that he learns to co-operate with others.

Tell her that you're happy to see her once a week at most and that you have a life too! I like the suggestion agnurse made about turning it back on her, it does rather sound like a whiney child!

I think once a week is quite healthy . As your child gets older they will look forward to that visit once a week . Anything more is a bit suffocating .

Explain why you need/want to see other young mums- for yourself and for baby to socialise. If nec, invite her to go with you one time?

You need to tell her you are feeling overwhelmed and need to sort out a regular routine for yourself and your baby. Maybe say I’ve put you in diary for 1 or 2 days a week and be specific. Say you need the other days for other things. Then when she does come make it a special occasion for her (and you). Good luck.

I used to visit my mum once a week she was 30 mins on a bus. My 2 granddaughter who live 5 mins away I used to kook after them whilst parents at work. My grandson 3 hours away I saw 5 or 6 times a year. But made sure we always tried to do something nice .I think you should do what is right for you and your son. And don't give in to your mum about how often she wants to see him. Hope it all works out for you.

Get her to subscribe to Gransnet- other Grans will help her to get a bit of perspective!

I agree 4 days a week is too much so you need to develop your own plan for the good of your son, yourself and your Mum- swimming, 'baby noise', soft play, meeting up with friends- a social life for him and for you.

It's our granddaughter's 1st birthday today - she is in Glasgow we are in Eastern England - we'll probably Skype then go up there for Christmas. We have a WhatsApp group for all those involved with our GD; we text and have phone calls with our daughters ( both in Scotland). We have our lives, they have theirs and our GD is happy, healthy and loved by a network of friends and family- it's not about us.

Well he is your son, so you need to do what you think is right. It does seem like she's trying to take over. You must set the boundaries now, once a week is fine. Tell her that you are out/busy and will see her Wednesday or whatever. 30 mins is not far, so a couple of hours is plenty too.

Oh dear! This is not good, so she presumably wants to look after him for the three days that way she’s the only one looking after him, what on earth is she talking about it saying it is cruel, you have got your work cut out haven’t you with your mums attitude, how on earth she thinks it makes children more aggressive later on is beyond me, I personally think she is controlling you telling you what you should and shouldn’t do, it’s outrageous! She’s being very selfish, so the rest of the family feel the same way, so sorry to hear this April0 she’s not thinking of what you would like to happen at all, in that case I would be putting YOUR baby into nursery, and this spending time with him 4 times a week would be stopped, if she cannot support your decision, she would be seeing him once, please let us know how you get on, really hoping things go well for you, sad to hear this

Can’t you go to baby groups with your doting mum?
Will she have baby at all when you go back to work?

How old is she? You need a lot of energy looking after babies and toddlers.

I am 74years old, and whenever I look after my dgs, four years old, for any length of time, I’m knackered.

I often have to refuse childcare as I just can’t do it for more than a few hours at a time,

Daycare never damaged my dgs. He had learnt to socialise with others.
Maybe have to be more assertive and it’s difficult, I know. I have the reverse problem.

Heavens! You need to start as you intend to continue and lay down the ground rules straight away! Firstly, you need to network with other young mums. These people will become life time friends and their children are vital in creating a little group for your baby to socilaise with too. Secondly, the comment about children who go to nursery turning out more aggressive is complete rubbish!!! I have worked in education for 40 years snd childten who ho to nursery learn social skills earlier, are more confident and enjoy social interaction. These skills are so important. In a well run nursery childten have fun and enjoy themselves. My son went to nursery from the age of one. He is now a gentle giant of 6 foot 3 ins!

Who's child is this her's or yours? May I enquire how old your mum is and if she's still with your father?.
I see my grandchildren when their parents want me to look after them or I pop over for a coffee if I didn't if never see them ? yes I do think your mother is a bit OTT you need to sit down and discuss this with her

You poor thing, you need time for you, I would just say straight out that she needs to come less often. Suggest twice a week and don`t fall for the emotional blackmail. You child your decision about work, childcare etc. Be firm or you will never change the situation.

Oh dear. How sad that you have this problem spoiling your precious time on maternity leave. Obviously you don’t want to damage your relationship with your mother but she is being very insensitive .we are there for our daughter if she needs help but wouldn’t dream of imposing 4 days a week

Good idea from Hert2Hart. Get her on to Gransnet, it will give her a better perspective. She really does need to get her own life, imo.

Too much ! My in laws used to 'pop in...just passing' (not really, as they lived 20 miles away and I lived in the middle of nowhere !.....I used to be ;out; sometimes ……..they meant well, and we never fell out but they were a bit over the top ! Now, I have a grandchild I have NEVER seen and probably never will ….as far as I am concerned, it is their loss not mine ….how my daughter choses to live her life is up to her ….I did my best in bringing her up, University, her own car...….just chose not to communicate with me …….I have no problem with that !