Travel to see daughter and GD

Just wondering London1948. You say your partner thinks your daughter should visit you more than once a year and then you go on to detail all the problems you have...so is it your partner? or you that thinks your daughter should visit more often? Be honest with yourself.

Personally IF I found it too much I would just be honest and say to my daughter...."I simply can't do it any more". No need to involve anyone else.

Up to daughter then to decide IF and WHEN she can visit you really isn't it?

P.S. Most councils have a list of licensed private hire drivers who should be happy to give you a quotation.

My OH was a private hire driver during the latter part of his working life. He had several grannies who used him as transport for family visits. One used to take two cases of wine with her when she was babysitting! It was cheaper than train tickets, they could take more luggage which they didn’t have to carry and enjoyed the door to door service. One client commented that she enjoyed having a man to chat to as most of her contemporaries were widows like her. Win win for both parties especially as one lady’s family lived a few streets away from my middle brother-in-law.

A private car with driver (like a taxi but not) from my door to London (a few counties away) actually costs less than train tickets there for me these days unless I find an unusually good deal.

Although its percieved as a luxury it can actually be a cheap option.

Taxis are more expensive ask firms that specialise in private hire & airport transfers

Is there any way you could afford a taxi maybe one way then public transport for the other?

If you cut down your visits to perhaps three a year it might be affordable. Train fares certainly aren’t cheap so the difference in price might not be that great.

If it were me I would be willing to make sacrifices somewhere to save the money for that taxi.

I am not a fan of public transport!

You can visit her less but it doesnt mean she will visit you more.

Houndi, it's beautiful that your mum was your best friend, etc. But I don't think we can assess other people's relationships by our own. I doubt you know what issues there are between your SisIL and MIL. If you don't like SIL, you don't like her. But please don't judge so easily. You've cut SIL out of your life for your reasons. She hasn't done that to her mum, but my guess is she has her own reasons why she doesn't visit her mum that often.

@bingo12

That turmeric paste you mention, is it taken internally or applied to the joint?

As for the person criticising a daughter for visiting more to wind up the estate than when she was alive. I had to clear out my mother's council flat in a couple of weeks. That entailed a five-hour journey with my small child every Friday evening, working in the flat all weekend and then back again on Sunday evening. It is not that easy when you have young children and a job to make those journeys.

I mean we had to drive her half way as she wouldn't fetch her mom
She retired and her mum 90

My mother in law daughter is a selfish cow she has only visted her 3 times in nearly a year.The time she allowed her to stay with had to drive half of the distance to a service sation so her daughter would turn up to allow her to vist.She lives in Norwich but she might as well live the other side of the world the interest she takes in her mom.When she was seriously ill in hospital we cancelled our holiday to Australia and visted everyday and she came up once and didn't even stay over
My mom diedclast year was ny best friend i rang her every day and visted 3 times a week
Her attitude to her mum completely sickens me that i no longer have anything to do with her.When she does come up for the royal vist i do not vist.She is a complete waste of space

I think it’s fantastic that you are willing to travel 3 trains 200 miles to see your daughter, well done you. And for the record I’m not patronising you, you sound like a lovely mum. I do think you should talk to your daughter though and explain that your arthritis is getting worse, I agree she should visit more, but if you have been visiting every 3 months maybe it’s not crossed her mind that she could make the journey to you more, she’s most likely oblivious to the fact you are finding it harder now

First: do you enjoy visiting your daughter three times a year and does she enjoy having you? If these are purely duty visits, I would suggest cutting out at least one of them.

Even if you both enjoy the visits you may soon have to go less often, as obviously the journey is a difficult one for you.

Talk to your daughter and tell her honestly that the journey is becoming to difficult, but you detest the thought of seeing her less. Suggest she comes to you twice a year instead of once.

Trully I think you need this conversation with your daughter. It's not about who's right or wrong more that it's fallen into a pattern and if you don't speak up how does your daughter know that the travelling is getting too much. No one is a mind reader. Daughter or not we all fall into our own patterns of life that can become quite selfish to someone else and lack empathy. That's why you need to be talking to her. She may in fact think you enjoy the journey over, it gets you out. But who knows. Good luck.

I agree with one post ...my late husband's daughter (single, no work, two cats) REFUSED to come and see him when he was dying …(she was there every year for weeks in summer when we lived in Spain ...flights, meals, everything paid for by him) ..she said she was too busy ….. AS SOON AS he died she was asking about the Will and saying she could come over to sign anything the Notaire wanted signing ! I said how will you find the house > (another of her excuses .we lived in a rural part of France BUT she was picked up from the nearest airport (80km) the only time she did visit ……...now she says she is contesting her inheritance ! She is welcome ...by the time she has employed a French avocat and spent thousands on legal fees there will be no inheritance left !!

Thanks for all your comments , I shall put them in place and see if I can change the situation .

London1948 if you don't tell your daughter about your health problems she won't know. They think we're infallible and still have the energy etc we had years ago. You could suggest to her that you will have to reduce your travel to see her due to pain & hopefully that will encourage her to make the effort but sadly I fear it won't. I hope I'm wrong about that for your sake. The colder months are worst for arthritis so could you manage a couple of trips in warmer months if she does a chilly one?

I'm wondering if you could sometimes meet halfway? There's bound to be somewhere worthwhile to visit in the summer, perhaps with a picnic? Perhaps you could offer to buy the train tickets?

I have a three or four hour, three train ordeal to see my youngest, too. Recently, I treat myself to a minicab instead of the first train - and I expect to be collected from the station. She does drive down quite often, though, about four times a year, with a young baby too.

I've wondered about getting a friend to dog sit and staying overnight at her place or nearby, but I worry that I wouldn't sleep well.

London1948..... have you tried staying in touch via Skype or FaceTime .... I know it’s not as good as physical contact, but you could speak to her every week say... and if you have grandkids , you can also see and speak to them and catch up on schooling and what they’re up to in their lives. If you haven’t got these devices it is well worth the effort to get one or other.... if you’re a technophobe I’m sure somebody will be only too pleased to get you set up. Also your husband can become more involved.

While I think personally your daughter might make more effort I can also remember how my parents used to complain that I didn’t visit them in Scotland more often - well, a full time teaching job, three children and a husband with health issues plus finance, were among my reasons (excuses?) if you do need to do the journey, have you tried Mobility Assistance? You get help down to the platform, help getting on and off if necessary, often a special waiting room/lounge, at least at the bigger stations, and you can book your seat close to the exit. We used it a lot when DH was alive as he had hospital clinic visits in London and with poor mobility, travel was a nightmare. You don’t even need to be registered disabled, I once met Jenni Murray in the Mobility Assistance lounge at Euston station!

If your daughter works full time AND is a mum, the chances are she's too tired to travel at the end of a work week.

It isn't entitled to want to catch up with housework, spend time with your child and relax a little. Including commute time, my work week tops 70 hours. Doing that on top of being a mum to a young child... No wonder she can't travel much.

My partner is 70 and he travels all over the world, on his own. I'm not suggesting everyone should be able to do that at 70, but with all the free time you have on your hands, versus the demands she has on hers, it makes more sense for you to do the travelling.

Your daughter should make more of an effort. Offer to buy her a ticket. I think too many children these days feel entitled.

I'd say it's definitely not enough. She needs to make more of an effort. Talk it out with her as she's probably not aware that things need to change.

Never could understand this once is not enough Im sorry she should make more of an.effort you must talk to her about this she does have annual leave otherwise you met up half way
My former neighbour had this but when she passed wow her family were up quite often to sort out the will ,money the house
I told the daughter how I felt as it was I who did a lot for the mother .I didnt have a stiff upper lip. I told her my mind my honest opinion of what I felt about her and her brother.

Talk it over with your DD so that she is aware of any issues brewing with you.

If your daughter isn’t committed to work, kids, finances, it might be nice if you took it in turns every 3 months possibly? X