Lost soul

People often think that 'giving up' is a failure but I think that is the wrong way to think about. I stayed in a job I hated for far too long because my mother talked me out of giving up when I was part way through qualifying and I didn't have the emotional strength at the time to say that I knew that it was the wrong thing for me and that it wasn't so much a waste of the time spent as a potential waste of the rest of my life.
You have tried marriage. It probably worked for some time and you gained experience of living in a different country but it no longer works.
That is not failure it is just life.
If the marriage is definitely at an end then it takes courage to admit that and to act on it.
It won't be easy, but start by getting financial advice. Do you own a house together in Spain? Even if it is not in joint names, you may still have rights. Find out how much you are likely to have.
Would you be able to work either here or in Spain? I presume living in Spain is a bit cheaper but then salaries are probably lower too and their unemployment situation is even worse than ours.
If you are able to work and have enough to pay a deposit on a small flat and a few months rent, then you might be able to do that. Don't be embarrassed to ask for help from anyone that you know here (or in Spain) that you could perhaps stay with a for a while or who could help you find a job. It won't be easy but neither will staying where you are.
Take your time but spend it doing as much research as you can. There are probably sites dealing with starting over at your age and there might well be support groups.

Whatever you decide to do I'd make a start as soon as you can. Although 60 isn't old if you leave things longer along with the stress that you already have, presumably, your health will start to suffer until you find yourself accepting the situation that you're in because you'll no longer be/ feel bothered about uprooting and starting again.

You wouldn't be homeless as there are housing associations in the UK who would house you and also help/assist with any financial problems. I can't envisage any problems with that. Just visit the appropriate department within the town hall of the area you wish to settle in and take it from there.

It's not failure Berbel it's brave to think of starting a new life. I remarried and moved abroad at your age.
However you do need to think about practicalities such as money and a place to live. You need to talk to your husband and clarify things between you . If things cannot be resolved between you then independent advice. Have you got family in UK who could help you find out what your entitlements are.

Don’t understand the failure aspect, if you think that then half the population would be, it’s no fun for either of you staying in a joyless marriage, you have a lot to think about. Talk to your husband. Make plans, of course it won’t be easy but it can be done, take one step at a time. Wishing you lots of luck in your new life hope everything goes well for you

Berbel
Were you born in the UK? if the answer is yes then you are a British citizen with a NI number.This will entitle you, eventually, to receive a state pension .You may have chosen dual nationality when living in another country but this will not prevent you from getting the benefits that british subjects receive. I suggest you now start looking if you feel your marriage is coming to an end and if you have relatives in the UK then contact them as you will not then be entirely alone if choosing to return.

What is the alternative? There’s your answer.
Believe in yourself.

Don't feel a failure - it takes two to tango and you clearly made decisions to do things together by leaving the UK in the first place. You don't mention children. Are you totally alone - without family and friends here in the UK? I would try to discuss this with your husband as you say he will never be the one to end the marriage - why not - what is it about the marriage that he would still want to cling on to - does he believe it's joyless or is he getting something that satisfies him and if he is and can identify it you have every right to ask him to provide you with whatever it is that is missing from your relationship. If you give him this chance and he doesn't take it, if he wants the marriage to continue purely for convenience then take the plunge and return. You may have no income of your own but do you have property and in a divorce wouldn't you receive half? Lots of questions here but I advice you to explore them before walking away from whatever you might have accumulated wherever you live now.

I have accommodation available for any one in this position, having been there and done that! So no one needs to be homeless and alone in UK. P.m. me .

Everyone thinks they can return or arrive to uk if they have nothing,and will be given everything.But as a few others have pointed out,its no longer like that.unless youve got family here you can live with you might be homeless even.speak to your husband see if you can inject 'joy' or whatever's missing into your marriage again? I think if you reach a certain age its not going to stay full of joy all your lives,doesn't it settle in to a quieter existence? If hes not hurting you in any way,but its just boring, i think you have to accept it may be less roses& romance at your age?& if thats the case then you may have to balance a quiet life against no life alone.

You give so few details that it is really difficult for anyone to properly advise you.

Where are you living? Do you have a work pension lined up?
What part of the UK would you want to live as prices vary enormously.

So much rests on your financial situation, so maybe the first thing would be to get legal advice about where would stand financially if you split.

Before you decide think hard about your ultimate decision ….I lived in Europe with my second husband until he died last year . The laws as you know in most European countries are different to those in the UK as regards divorce and entitlement ...that is if you decide to divorce him ...and take into account he may not agree. If you can afford it go and see a Notaire (although you would need either an Avocat or an Abagado ..depends where you live) This would be long and very costly. If you chose to simply abandon your spouse and if he were to become ill, in France you have a legal obligation to 'provide security, safety and nourishment; to a spouse (yes, really !) as I thought about leaving during the 21 years we lived in the EU ….and then there is the law of Succession as regards any property you own and rights of the children if you have any. Look carefully into all of these things. If you ever worked in the UK you should have a right to top up your contributory payments to the DWP so you do at least get a full UK pension. I did this when I left the UK. Have you any children in the UK ? maybe they could help ? If not, trawl the government web sites on Benefit Entitlement, and Age concern has items on its website as regards the rights of returning British citizens (a lot, I suspect, will be doing this when the full impact of Brexit is known, so get in now !) There are 'rent a room' schemes where you share with an ederly (sorry, but anyone over 40 in the UK is elderly !) home owner ...details on web ...looked at it myself once ..something like 'Share a room; ….have to take a risk though ! or a mobile home ...I found several cheap ones to rent when I was looking …..and of course you could try Citizens Advice or any other charity BUT do a LOT of background research before making a snap decision ! Personally I stayed, although it was hard ...just made my own life and we jogged along together ….looked after him until he died as he had a degenerative neurological disease, which was hard, but I am glad I did. Good luck

Housing associations don't just 'house you' -they have a waiting list just like everywhere else.like council do..otherwise people wouldn't be homeless would they

You marriage might be joyless, but life doesnt have to be. You need to look inside yourself before you 'blame' him or anyone else for your situation. Try getting out and about in the day and see if you can help other people in your community - become part of it!

Where does it say Berbel lives in spain?Op has told us very little but wants our advice.or info. We cant advise on her own situation much.However yes she does sound as though theres some depression maybe if things are 'joyless'? Maybe the start is the doctor,then marraiage counselling if at all possible?

Hi there Berbel I’ve sent you a PM.

Berbel I am in first stages of getting out of a loveless, joyless marriage but without the added problem of not being in UK. I had no idea what to do but after a free appointment with a solicitor (make sure you find a good divorce one) I had enough courage to start proceedings. We are in the same house, tidying it up for sale but as hard as it is I feel so much better knowing that once everything is sorted I am entitled to enough to start again (all be it on a somewhat more thrifty scale). I can get back to being me who had been missing for so many years. My friends say that Im already different, I think it must be the fact that I've actually been brave enough to start the road to a new life. If really unhappy go for it, its scarey but also such a relief.

Really sensible advice to find out your financial situation.
Talk to your husband if that is possible - not always.
Find out what you would be entitled to if you are in the UK.
Family in the UK - can they help?
You will not be eligible for re homing if recently returned from living overseas.
Where are you living now - which country, are there any benefits where you are now.
Have you joint property to sell and recoup money from.
Lots of questions to be asked before making a move.
But
You have not failed because every day you have done your best. !!!!!!!

why do you have no income? is it a house you live in ? half of what your husband has is yours? speak to some one .as you are 60 age-uk can help, or some one related to this in your country...

This story reminds me of my cousin who emigrated to Australia some years back with her husband and family.

She never settled, missed her family here especially her elderly parents and eventually her marriage broke down.

She was desperate to come back but her children of course were older and settled in schools over there so she was very reluctant to uproot them.

She now comes back for the occasional holiday whenever she can afford to but returning here permanently is not possible.

After her divorce she didn’t have enough money to return even with help from her parents.

All very sad.

What country are you living in? How long have you been there? Is your husband British? Do you have any pension of your own? Have you or your DH worked in the UK and paid NI stamps or into a company pension. have you seen a doctor? Do you have depression?

Nobody here can give you any help if we do not have any information about your circumstances.

Start your return to happiness by getting a pen and a piece of paper and start asking yourself these questions and writing down the answers. Research the answers when you do not know or are not sure. Get copies of all key financial documents and all life certificates. birth, marriage, divorce etc.

The best way to feel better is to start to do something meaningful. As for feeling a failure, we all feel like that at times. It passes.

To admit you are unhappy and need to start again takes courage so you are not a failure. We only get one life so it is what you will make of it. As suggested above research from where you are, look at jobs you could do, find out if you would get half assets from marriage. Do you own a house that could be sold? You can do anything you really want to do.

Berbel I am sorry you are feeling so down but let me say you are not a failure. Marriages fail for many reasons and only you know your own circumstances. What I would say is this, you are only 60 do not leave this until you are 75 (me) and wish you had done something a long time ago.

Think it through, be realistic and you can do it. I send you (((hugs)))

I have a friend who returned to the UK post-divorce and was employed as a house sitter. They prefer older, single people, but you do need references and a DBS check. She worked for a national company and drove all over the country for sits, sometimes in really palatial houses. She looked after dogs, cats, horses, rabbits, birds the lot. Accommodation was free and she got paid. Any gaps were plugged by staying with her sister, or every now and again in a room in someones house, sourced through Air B and B - sometimes she paid less than 15 pounds a night for the room and discovered quite a few older divorced ladies were renting out bits of their house, so made some friends. It worked for a good five or six years until she could get her state pension and settle.

Berbel, there really isn’t enough information here for anyone to provide you with advice. You obviously feel rather depressed, and feel that your marriage is joyless, but it appears your husband does not want to end the marriage. Starting anew is hard, but not impossible, and of your life is really that miserable it may be the best thing to do. However, you must not think that returning to the UK will mean you will be automatically housed and have an income. You do not say if you have an occupational pension that would enable you to rent or buy accommodation, nor if you will qualify for NHS healthcare. Do you have children or other family who could or would be prepared to help? Would you be able to work? Are you entitled to a state pension eventually? Where are you living now? Do you own, own jointly, or rent your current property? Have you any assets? Perhaps you could give us some more information.
If you are feeling lonely and dissatisfied, could you rectify this? Will you be less lonely and more fulfilled if you leave?

Hello Berbel - is anybody there? Have you left the thread?