Am I disrespectful

I’m still in touch with one of my sons ex girlfriend....lovely girl. The fact their relationship didn’t work is irrelevant. Ask your sons wife what she expects from the grandkids? Are they ok to still love their mum. She sounds like a bunny boiler....rude to speak to you like that. I would speak to both your son and his wife together...explain she is the mother of your grandkids and whilst your son may not like her...that’s nothing to do with you.

Perhaps she is insecure because she is not married to your son? Feels some jealousy of former wife because if this and feels you are on former wife’s side? Is son doing his best to make her feel at ease? Does he care to? He is on good terms with all of you... he might be an angel but he certainly has it all at the cost of others. Her real grief is probably with him not you and she is not clever enough to get you onside.

Absolutely not. You are doing what is best for the children.

Having a relationship continuing with your GC and there xDiL is important and should be maintained, however are you sure there isn’t more to reason for going NC in October? Knowing Mumsnet posts for example about “to be” MILs and issues, a number of advisors there tell the OP to go NC and wouldn’t be surprised if this was the case! She is probably feeling she will never be good enough in your eyes - and yes she will be feeling insecure quite naturally if you have a particularly strong relationship with xDiL. She has been your DS’s DP for quite some time so please don’t disrespect her either. I would suggest you need to think carefully about how you go forward - reach out to her and try to build a relationship. There are a number of things we can do to upset people without even really realising - just have a read through some of the Mumsnet posts to get an idea! I remember a few - not giving them equal portions at dinner, always serving the man first, not allowing them to bring something or do something or being over controlling all spring to mind...

Chiming in with the supportive belles above.

How odd that after five years odd that this issue comes about for your DS’s partner. Also that DS should tell you. Clearly something is awry between them & they need to resolve it for themselves.

You say that you dislike confrontation & are unable to approach yr son’s partner. Really?

If you have had fond feelings for her, can you open up to her by declaring your fondness, ask her how she is & you have the sense that something is troubling her. Would she like to talk things over with you? Invite her round or out for coffee. Approach her in person or in a nice letter - face to face allows you to read her responses or by letter allows her some privacy & does not put her (or you) on the spot or defensive.

I have a glint that your son’s comments about her have hit a hot button for you -as you did say that you were fond of her until your son spoke up. Maybe your son has need to adjust the relationships around him for his own needs, e.g he wants out & is freezing her out of the family.

Don’t accept hearsay about someone who you are/were OK with. Find out for yourself directly from her what is going on for her & adjust your perspective accordingly.

Am close to my ex-DiL

My aunt kept in touch with her ex daughter in law. It made her very nervous as the ex would call unexpectedly and my aunt was sick at the thought of the new wife turning up at the same time. The new wife stole the husband away from the ex wife by the way.

No your not disloyal as a ex dil im grateful for all my ex inlaws m f and 2s we are all good friends much to the annoyance of the ex but as one sil said we are friends and your children are my nephews its not going to change

No, you're not at all! You say you have contact and a good relationship with the grandchildren so why you cut their birth mum out of your life?!

New partner will just have to put up with it. How can she expect to have any kind of relationship with the children if she is so set against their mother?

Carry on as you are, you're obviously a great albeit ex MIL and ex DIL is no doubt happy to have you in her life and that of her children.

If you need to mention it to sons partner say it's easier than applying for grandparents access through court! You are loyal to your GC's and your friendship with DIL. I'd call that very loyal!

Oh course you are not. Not only that it must be lovely for your grandchildren that you get on with their mum. When my husband left he wanted nothing to do with his girls so they didn’t only lose a dad the lost one set of grandparents too - very sad

Hi, I'm Blind I use the computer with the aid of assistive technology
Sorry, but I have to say "YES" you are being disloyal to both your Daughter in Law AND your son, what on earth do YOUR family problems have to do with anyone else? Have you considered the level of embarrassment you cause any of the people including YOUR grandchildren

This really childish attitude must mean she is insecure; I've seen this in others who think because they have fallen out with an individual, everyone else that they are freindly with mustn't speak to them either. Pity she feels like this, but as you don't keep on about your ex DiL I think she is just going to have to get on with it . I do wonder why your son told you this....it was never going to help your relationship with her!

Friendly. Must use spellchecker...

No - good for you! Ideally she should try to form a friendship with your ex DIL and you need to be friendly to both of them - the children need to forge good relationships with all their extended family and I do hope that in time DIL2 can recognise that your son will always have a corner of his heart devoted to his ex, which doesn't take anything away from her.

Hi gustheguidedog I Am thrilled that you can join in with the help of assistive technology. Don't take this the wrong way, but am wondering IF this assistive technology sometimes gives you different information to what is actually written?

If you are addressing the original poster, what are the problems you mention other than Original Poster not being able to talk to her son's new partner very easily? And why would it cause the grandchildren embarrassment to stay in touch with their mother? Maybe it is me that has missed something?

Mother of your grandchildren.
No doubt you are NOT being disloyal.

No you are not. Your sons partner should respect that you can be friends with whom you like just as she is. It really means that she is insecure in her relationship with family. She needs to grow up.

Not at all. My own mum kept in close contact with her ex DiL - they both came from the same place so on the rare occasions that they met up. they spent time gossiping!
She also kept in touch with her ex SiL .
When children are involved, be they GC or nieces and nephews, it is so much better to keep in touch - after all, when a relationship breaks down, it is more often what has happened between 2 consenting adults - rarely are the in laws involved.
Mind you, she didn't keep in contact with her ex SiL - but then, he didn't keep in touch with anyone either, least of all his own child!

You do not have to explain to anyone why you have contact with the mother of your GC.The children are your priority and it would be unnatural and could affect them if you were not to be in contact with their mother. Tough if your sons new lady in his life cannot take this on board.

Your son's ex was part of your family a short time ago. You can't be expected to just discard her because the situation has changed.
Good for you for being loyal to her.

Hi
I wish my ex-mother in law was lovely, like you. You sound supportive of both partner and ex. The current partner sounds very insecure and rude to be honest. Does she try and force her opinions to you son regarding the ex? Is she just insecure or awkward and possibly controlling?
It so lovely that you have warmth and love for both. You'll be securing a good relationship with your grandchildren too and showing them the right way to behave.

She sounds like a thoroughly selfish cow to be truthful. I would not give it a moment’s thought. Just ignore her. If she speaks to you, be civil, but if she doesn’t, don’t even let her know that you have noticed. She seriously needs to grow up.

Most definitely not. I think that was rather nasty of her to say that. Why should you break off the relationship especially as she is the mother of your dear grandchildren.

Could you explain that she is just the mother of my GC but you are my DiL. I only have contact because of my GC.